So this might be the craziest thing you've heard of in a while. What do you do if you're attracted to the master of your dojo? Do you keep it hidden? Do you go for it? This woman is about my age, and I feel like she's attracted to me as well. I sometimes can't concentrate on the lesson because I'm so entranced by how pretty she is. I feel like it would be horrible if I wen't for it since she is the teacher and I am the student. Has anyone else been in this situation before??
Attracted to the teacher?
- Thread starter Knives
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Aikicomp
Purple Belt
A lot of times like these, the fantasy is much better than the reality. Just learn to control your thoughts and feelings as much as you can. Once a move is made or feelings confessed you cannot go back. It will never be the same. And there is probably less chance things would change for the better.
Bruno@MT
Senior Master
Bad idea. Just like having a relationship with your boss.
If you really want to go for it, find someone else to be your regular sensei. At the very least someone else should perform your grading. And if either of you breaks off the relationship, your dojo experience will suffer for it, and the entire dojo atmosphere might suffer for it.
If you are lovers first and then get a teacher-student relation as well, that would be possible, though it can be difficult too I guess. From teacher-student becoming lovers... that would be much harder and can cause problems for the entire dojo.
Just my 2 ct.
If you really want to go for it, find someone else to be your regular sensei. At the very least someone else should perform your grading. And if either of you breaks off the relationship, your dojo experience will suffer for it, and the entire dojo atmosphere might suffer for it.
If you are lovers first and then get a teacher-student relation as well, that would be possible, though it can be difficult too I guess. From teacher-student becoming lovers... that would be much harder and can cause problems for the entire dojo.
Just my 2 ct.
celtic_crippler
Senior Master
It could go either way really.
But you must consider the cosequences of it going either way as well...
Possible resentment from classmates if it goes well for you.
Possibly losing your place to train if it does not go well for you.
Many things to consider and weigh before determining if it's worth the risk for you to pursue it.
I do believe the popular concensus is that in the end it is a bad idea. Most likely because the risk it too high.
Ultimately, it's your choice but you must consider all the possibilities.
In the meantime... enjoy this:
But you must consider the cosequences of it going either way as well...
Possible resentment from classmates if it goes well for you.
Possibly losing your place to train if it does not go well for you.
Many things to consider and weigh before determining if it's worth the risk for you to pursue it.
I do believe the popular concensus is that in the end it is a bad idea. Most likely because the risk it too high.
Ultimately, it's your choice but you must consider all the possibilities.
In the meantime... enjoy this:
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Kajowaraku
Green Belt
I have to say, it is difficult. My wife joined for training when I started teaching. We were together well before that though, and still it was difficult for both of us. While on the tatami their is no hubbie & wife, but teacher - student. You cannot give a different treatment to her, or in your case expect that. While i generally will push women less hard in pressuretraining (unless they're clearly up for it), it's important not to be too soft on them either. That would not be respectful of their capabilities. That said: if the woman you love is groaning in pain because of a bad fall or a punch that connected: it's nearly impossible not to be affected by it. The trick is not to act on that emotion any differently than you would if it were somebody else with the same characteristics (by which i mean that obviously if you know a student has a bad back for example, you won't expect him or her to do backflips).
On her part, the difficulty was that while in our relationship we discuss matters in an open dialogue, on the tatami there is no room for discussion. If the teacher corrects your technique, attitude (eg. no leaning against the walls, etc), or etiquette you accept it and say "hai sensei!". The complete opposite of what we do at home (at home I get to say "yes honey!" and accept it
.)
However, the strict discipline on the tatami does help to maintain a healthy way of keeping both worlds seperated. It's clearly a different paradigm of dealing with each other, just because of these rules and the strict discipline. It makes things manageable, and disconnects both. I think if training would be very informal, and on first name basis, you'd easily revert to calling each other lurvnames on the mat too, and thus, if discipline or correction was somewhat enforced; it would be much more personal too, and you'd probably end up taking that feeling home after training.
Anyway, I've been teaching her for about a year now, and things have started to fall in place, finally. The main difficulty was my strong inclination to prevent her from getting hurt, and thus doing her short by the false assumption she can't manage herself, which she can.
However, It's great to be able to teach something you strongly believe in to your loved ones, but it's also exceedingly demanding and taxing. (not to mention tricky).
My advise to your situation though: be very, very careful.
On her part, the difficulty was that while in our relationship we discuss matters in an open dialogue, on the tatami there is no room for discussion. If the teacher corrects your technique, attitude (eg. no leaning against the walls, etc), or etiquette you accept it and say "hai sensei!". The complete opposite of what we do at home (at home I get to say "yes honey!" and accept it
.) However, the strict discipline on the tatami does help to maintain a healthy way of keeping both worlds seperated. It's clearly a different paradigm of dealing with each other, just because of these rules and the strict discipline. It makes things manageable, and disconnects both. I think if training would be very informal, and on first name basis, you'd easily revert to calling each other lurvnames on the mat too, and thus, if discipline or correction was somewhat enforced; it would be much more personal too, and you'd probably end up taking that feeling home after training.
Anyway, I've been teaching her for about a year now, and things have started to fall in place, finally. The main difficulty was my strong inclination to prevent her from getting hurt, and thus doing her short by the false assumption she can't manage herself, which she can.
However, It's great to be able to teach something you strongly believe in to your loved ones, but it's also exceedingly demanding and taxing. (not to mention tricky).
My advise to your situation though: be very, very careful.
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You might find this thread of interest:
Trust or Fancying - Emotional Aspects of Training and Student/Teacher Dating
:asian:
Trust or Fancying - Emotional Aspects of Training and Student/Teacher Dating
:asian:
How long have you been training?
Not just inside a dojo, but we guys are really bad at picking up signals and we are really bad at interpreting those signals correctly. Many women are outgoing, fun, touchy, use word of affection and thats just who they are. Many guys will pick up on that as flirting/attraction aimed towards them.
Honestly I've had too many missed opportunities in my life, I say if you are reading the signals correctly, go for it. This may be the love of your life, and to do nothing about it would be a crime.
Not just inside a dojo, but we guys are really bad at picking up signals and we are really bad at interpreting those signals correctly. Many women are outgoing, fun, touchy, use word of affection and thats just who they are. Many guys will pick up on that as flirting/attraction aimed towards them.
Honestly I've had too many missed opportunities in my life, I say if you are reading the signals correctly, go for it. This may be the love of your life, and to do nothing about it would be a crime.
I have been involved in church choir for a very long time, and about six years ago, I found myself in the same position with one of the sopranos in the choir. She was a longtime member and well respected.
I thought that there was something there between us. I gave it a lot of thought before saying anything to her about all of the possible consequences, up to and including leaving the choir is my talking to her about it made her uncomfortable.
Turned out that there was something and we have been seeing eachother ever since, so it was a good decision.
Daniel
I thought that there was something there between us. I gave it a lot of thought before saying anything to her about all of the possible consequences, up to and including leaving the choir is my talking to her about it made her uncomfortable.
Turned out that there was something and we have been seeing eachother ever since, so it was a good decision.
Daniel
Ignore it, and it will go away. 
Barring that, attraction in the dojo is a normal thing. I tend to think that if your teacher is keeping you mentally busy/focused, there isn't enough time to notice. I also think there should be a certain amount of FEAR to keep the respect levels necessary, and give a healthy whack to fantasy. To keep the mind from wandering down any 'what-if' paths.
Barring that, attraction in the dojo is a normal thing. I tend to think that if your teacher is keeping you mentally busy/focused, there isn't enough time to notice. I also think there should be a certain amount of FEAR to keep the respect levels necessary, and give a healthy whack to fantasy. To keep the mind from wandering down any 'what-if' paths.
I know people who have dated in the dojo and have made it work. Yes, if you're not careful, thigns can take a fast downward spiral. IMO, the dojo is there for training. Much like working at a job with your spouse or significant other, it needs to be on a professional level. In other words, don't argue about personal things, the hugging, handholding and kissing can wait until later. Again, you're there to train.
I would take it slow and be cautious. And again, most importantly, be professional.
Just like a workplace relationship -- it can work. Or it can be a disaster. Either way -- it will effect your training and the harmony within the dojo.
Assess whether the risks are worth the possible rewards. One possible option is to do something very neutral, like have coffee after class to discuss the class -- and be open to lessening the neutrality.
Assess whether the risks are worth the possible rewards. One possible option is to do something very neutral, like have coffee after class to discuss the class -- and be open to lessening the neutrality.
Nothing to add to the advice pool here. What I would have said has already been said.
However, thanks for the "Hot for Teacher" vid link! I've not seen that for far too long. Dave and Little Dave etc ... huzzar!
However, thanks for the "Hot for Teacher" vid link! I've not seen that for far too long. Dave and Little Dave etc ... huzzar!
blindsage
Master of Arts
Sounds to me like a little infatuation beyond just general 'attraction'. Being unable to concentrate because of how pretty she is, is not the same as a general attraction to the person. Do yourself a favor and make an effort to detach yourself from your overwhelming physical attraction first. If she's still interesting as a person, and you think she may be (honestly) attracted in return then think about approaching her, but take it slow and remember, despite what our culture teaches "love" does not trump all, you still have responsibilities to the school you train in, and should respect those first.
dancingalone
Grandmaster
I am married to my aikido instructor. We actually met each other as students of another aikido teacher, although she has stayed on the aikido path longer than I have and so she is senior to me. Now that we have moved to another state from our aikido teacher, I have chosen happily to continue my studies under her.
It works in her dojo, because we stay formal in our interactions and we're careful to work with other partners all the time. Also my wife rarely chooses me as the uke to demonstrate upon. In fact, someone relatively new to her school once asked me why Sensei didn't like me.
From my perspective, I am mindful to think of my wife only as my teacher when we are training. In the dojo, she's the boss. At home, it is a partnership (OK, she's really the boss there too ).
It works in her dojo, because we stay formal in our interactions and we're careful to work with other partners all the time. Also my wife rarely chooses me as the uke to demonstrate upon. In fact, someone relatively new to her school once asked me why Sensei didn't like me.
From my perspective, I am mindful to think of my wife only as my teacher when we are training. In the dojo, she's the boss. At home, it is a partnership (OK, she's really the boss there too
).
Archangel M
Senior Master
I don't really agree that it's like the workplace..MA is really a hobby after all. You are paying to take the class anyway so IMO the responsibility would fall on the teacher. The issue would be the uncomfortableness if she doesn't feel the way you think she does, or if things go sour down the road.
Do it or don't do it just be prepared for the consequences if it goes wrong (or the rewards if it goes right).
Do it or don't do it just be prepared for the consequences if it goes wrong (or the rewards if it goes right).
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