Attraction and Hero Worship in the Dojo

[dancingalone]

My wife is a martial arts teacher and an attractive woman to boot. It's not uncommon for some of the newer students in her dojo to inquire about her availability until they find out about her status. We take it in stride generally. The need for companionship is part of the human condition, and any "crush" on Sensei is usually short-lasting as the student finds something else to channel his or her attention towards.

What do you do when the attraction lasts in the months however? And the student seems to hang onto my wife's every word, almost with a worshipful attitude? The situation is a bit awkward since we both definitely notice what is going on the student, and we really don't want any appearance of impropriety in the dojo.

I suppose I could say something, but I'm being cowardly. The student is a female minor, and I'm tongue-tied thinking about talking to her father about it. Single parent household.

My wife thinks we should just continue to ignore it and it will go away.... eventually. She's a lot more patient than I am.

Anyone ever had a similar issue? Paging Sensei Ann Landers!

 

[harlan]

What's wrong with hero worship?

As long as it doesn't manifest in unhealthy ways (calling the house, wanting to be 'alone' with teacher...), girls have crushes on adult females as well, and grow out of them. Or rather, grow through them.

 

[Blade96]

What's wrong with hero worship?

Nothing. as you said. I kind of hero worship my senseis, I love them, and they know it. I admire them, not because they are teachers or BB's or anything like that. I just became good friends with them because of personality and we share things in common. They also show favoritism towards me, obvious favoritism and they werent shy about telling me.

I think the girl in question should just remain on good terms with her sensei that she loves so much. and sensei in question should feel so happy the girl admires her much.

If she does indeed have an attraction, she should recognize the qualities about her teacher that she finds attractive and most desirable to her, and use that to seek out someone with the same qualities she is looking for.

and keep that teacher in her life; teachers, especially good ones she forms a bond with, can be the greatest people in your life; they can literally change your life for the better. believe me, I know....its happened to me! With university profs I formed a bond with; i wouldnt have my degree if not for them.

Thats my advice.

 

[harlan]

Absolutely! Have had similar bonds with mentors. This is why I am so adament that only 'good' people should teach. Sensei devotion, love, hero worship...it has it's stages. It can be confused, both by student and teacher.

As long as the attraction falls in the range of 'normal' (one has to expect the occasional student will walk through the door and fall hard for martial arts, sensei and archetypes), accept the gift (of devotion) and keep on task.

 

[Blade96]

Absolutely! Have had similar bonds with mentors. This is why I am so adament that only 'good' people should teach. Sensei devotion, love, hero worship...it has it's stages. It can be confused, both by student and teacher.

As long as the attraction falls in the range of 'normal' (one has to expect the occasional student will walk through the door and fall hard for martial arts, sensei and archetypes), accept the gift (of devotion) and keep on task.

well sure.

well also I learn things quickly in Shotokan. catch on quickly, and one of my senseis told me he thinks I've a talent for it. maybe I do. and probably no doubt tweaked my senseis interest in me, that and I know things, that they were surprised I knew them. like things of the history of our art. I also have a perfect attendance record (serious, I never missed even one class) and I train seriously at home, and sensei always like it when people do their homework.

All of those things, I suppose. helped me bond with my senseis in a good way.

Mentors and being friends with your teachers is great. If done in the right way. :angel:

 

[grydth]

My wife is a martial arts teacher and an attractive woman to boot. It's not uncommon for some of the newer students in her dojo to inquire about her availability until they find out about her status. We take it in stride generally. The need for companionship is part of the human condition, and any "crush" on Sensei is usually short-lasting as the student finds something else to channel his or her attention towards.

What do you do when the attraction lasts in the months however? And the student seems to hang onto my wife's every word, almost with a worshipful attitude? The situation is a bit awkward since we both definitely notice what is going on the student, and we really don't want any appearance of impropriety in the dojo.

I suppose I could say something, but I'm being cowardly. The student is a female minor, and I'm tongue-tied thinking about talking to her father about it. Single parent household.

My wife thinks we should just continue to ignore it and it will go away.... eventually. She's a lot more patient than I am.

Anyone ever had a similar issue? Paging Sensei Ann Landers!

Right now, I don't see anything to go to her father about. Indeed, this may be beneficial.

I know about the single parent household situation rather well, having been the father with girls ages 7 and 4 at the time when their mother left.

One thing I have always tried to find for my daughters are strong female role models..... and some of those have been their martial arts instructors. (Another is my wife, a university administrator and martial artist - but we have a commuter marriage. She isn't here most of the time).

I am very fortunate that each girl has received the attention at the dojo that they have, and it shows in the young women that they are becoming. So consider: the father may have encouraged his daughter to look up to your wife as mentor/teacher/role model.

 

[SensibleManiac]

Looking back to when I was 19-20 I used to worship my instructor as a hero.

Is it healthy, I suppose it can be unhealthy in the long run but as a phase it is normal.

Don't forget alot of kids might need these figures in their lives, I remember being so impressed that my instructor was doing what he loved for a living and I had never experienced that before so I really looked up to him.

Of course with time I realized that he was human and out grew this type of hero worship but in the end it had it's place in my growth as a person.

Was this healthy? Probably not if I wouldn't have outgrown it by since I did it's merely a learning experience.

 

[Ken Morgan]

One thing I have always tried to find for my daughters are strong female role models....

I agree.

This was what I was going to say as well. In some of the elementary schools I've been teaching in, its amazing how quickly some of the boys and girls will attach themselves to you. You treat them with respect, treat them like people that matter, throw in some humour, be positive, and they're stuck to you like glue sometimes. Most of them don't have that positive role model in their lives, and they badly need it.

I don't see anything harmful in the relationship you discribe, but I would keep an eye on it. Just in case.

 

[sjansen]

It's fine for now, maybe.

Watch what she does with a hawks eye.

If she starts sleeping with her master, which has been known to happen, many times, let us know. You are not unjust to keep a close eye on her.

If anyone says that hero worship doesn't lead to other things they are inexperienced. I have seen it happen again and again.

 

[Carol]

Its happened to me. I developed a crush on one of my (music) instructors when I was a teen. It lasted awhile...a couple years...which surprised even me. I probably looked like the teenage dreamy-eyed hero worshipper at the time, but if she picked up on that, or even if she was bothered by it (the practice studios were windowless compartments, smaller than a walk-in closet) she didn't seem to acknowledge it one way or another.

Had she relayed her suspicions to my parents, I would have been devastated. She helped me build an identity for myself. When things weren't going well at home or at school, I always had my music. I had something to strive for, I had something to desire, something that was "me", regardless of whatever was falling apart around me.

 

[Bruno@MT]

If she starts sleeping with her master, which has been known to happen, many times, let us know. You are not unjust to keep a close eye on her.

In all fairness, if the girl starts sleeping with his wife, I don't think he will feel obliged to tell us. After all, that would be a rather personal situation, best handled in private instead of before a large audience.

 

[Stac3y]

One of my most painful moments as a young teen was when a riding instructor I greatly admired joked (in my earshot) about me "hero worshipping" her with another instructor. I was devastated. Please don't talk to the girl's parents about this. It's part of growing up, and is not abnormal. Just let your wife's patience and sensitivity toward the girl continue. It sounds to me like she knows exactly how to handle the situation.

 

[Gordon Nore]

My wife is a martial arts teacher and an attractive woman to boot. It's not uncommon for some of the newer students in her dojo to inquire about her availability until they find out about her status.

I was just thinking to myself that your wife's status is also "black belt," which might influence how people approach her.

What do you do when the attraction lasts in the months however? And the student seems to hang onto my wife's every word, almost with a worshipful attitude?
...
I suppose I could say something, but I'm being cowardly. The student is a female minor, and I'm tongue-tied thinking about talking to her father about it. Single parent household.

I'm not clear if you think the young girl is romantically attracted your wife, or if she idolizes her as a person.

My wife thinks we should just continue to ignore it and it will go away.... eventually. She's a lot more patient than I am.

I'm inclined to agree with your wife. Obviously, your wife has been appropriate, and as long as the girl hasn't done anything that crosses a boundary or casts suspicion on your wife, I'd let it run its course.

 

[dancingalone]

I'm not clear if you think the young girl is romantically attracted your wife, or if she idolizes her as a person.

I'm inclined to agree with your wife. Obviously, your wife has been appropriate, and as long as the girl hasn't done anything that crosses a boundary or casts suspicion on your wife, I'd let it run its course.

Both.

Seems like everyone has pretty much the same thoughts. Thank you, All.

 

[Blade96]

I sometimes think MA senseis need to be good judges of character precisely BECAUSE people will be attracted to them on the basis of their status (BB, high sensei) instead of to them as people. They would need to be on their guard against people who only like the status and dont like them.

which makes me wonder Does this girl love her sensei because of who she is, or just only what she represents?

 

[Gordon Nore]

Both.

Seems like everyone has pretty much the same thoughts. Thank you, All.

If that's the case, bringing the matter to the girl's father is dicey. It's one thing to have a discussion with a parent if the attraction is opposite sex -- that's a delicate discussion to begin with. Without knowing how the parent might react to discussion of same sex attraction, it's probably best not to go there.

I recently attended a workshop on revisions to legislation here, during which I learned that school principals in Ontario have a little more discretion around reporting to parents. I'm thumbnailing this, but let's say a student is the victim of anti-gay harassment, the principal has discretion not report to the victim's parents if requested. There are other provisos that I won't get into, but basically the new revisions acknowledge that full disclosure might cause additional problems.

I would say you're wise to tread cautiously.

 

[jks9199]

It's simple, to me. Your wife stays professional, and makes sure that there's no inappropriate contact (physical or otherwise) -- but also stays "aloofly friendly" so that the girl feels that she can come to her for advise/help. No need to report anything to the parents 'cause there's nothing happening, and you don't allow a situation where anything can happen.

Time'll take care of it from there.

 

[Blade96]

so i hear someone has a crush on Teach. My reaction is usually meh.

Nobody's acting on it or trying to are they? If they arent then there isnt any issue. A crush can be fun to have, and who da heck among us can say and be honest, they havent had a crush or at least found something attractive about one or more of a teacher you had? I'd say, with a guess, most of us on this forum.

actually my Russian language prof at univ was pretty hot, a good nice person and handsome and all the girls had a crush on him. And I was like 'Ok you are now considered officially hot' and he was like 'Thanks!' he was my friend too. Of course I thought he was handsome. and he was my friend and I was one of his favorites. But i never crossed any boundaries. didnt want to either. We just remained friends. and still to this day.

So I would say then, no one crossed any boundaries or tried to have they?

Them: Nope.

Me: Then who cares. :angel: