If it matters, purely from what you've shared on here I'm confident you are better than 90% of people.
About you being a coward, you are not. When I was younger I attempted suicide, had a knife to my neck, but couldn't put enough pressure to actually do it - I thought I was a coward then. I was not. I've helped many people in the decade since, and just knowing you from this forum, I'm sure you've helped many others.
If you ever need anyone to talk to, feel free to message me. If you need someone to talk you down when you're at your worst, I'll give you my phone number as well, along with a certainty that I am not being bothered by your messages. I guarantee I would rather get a call from you while I'm asleep or busy, then one day realize you haven't posted and not knowing why.
You are loved, you are an amazing person who has only shown compassion on this site, and you deserve to life a life that you enjoy.