I really try my best, but with no results... :(

[Drunken_Boxer]

Im workin in a internet club/caffe, and I had this conflict with a bodybuilder, I reserved a computer to a friend who promised me to come back in 15 minutes, and this bodybuilder wanted this computer, I said to him "Sorry you cant take this computer, it was reserved by a friend of mine, sorry", he replied "Why cant I, common dont ******** me, when he will come back", i said to this "No man, get up, you really cant, he reserved it and he will come in 10-15 min.." he was so angry that he just slapped the monitor with hes whole energy (power) and said to me "****ing *****, mother****er" I looked at him and said "Mother****er you too, dont talk to my mom like that", he came close to me, i thought he would throw a punch at me or somethin, but he didnt, he said "What did you just said, I will slap you boy", I know i couldnt handle this, I dont like fights, but m yheart bumped fast, I was a ll bit scared to fight with him, not cuz he looked liek arnold schwarzenneger...I had this fear since I was a child etc., I replied to him "If you got nuts common and slap me", he just leaved the internet club.
He is just a jerk, he know my father and he know him, so I dont know why he didnt slaped me, is it cuz he knowed my father, or i dont know...

How can I fight against my fear?I really try my best...but I just cant, I practice taek won do and the eagle claw, I was in some tournaments and lost, but when it comes to a streetfight...i dont know, im scared to fight with someone.
But sometimes you just must "fight".I must be ready for every fight if someone attacking me... This happened like half hour ago, and Im still think about that...was he right, or was it me?Who was the winner?He had more fear?I just cant ...
Please people, any advice?Help me...

Thank you!

 

[14 Kempo]

Well, IMHO, fear, of this sort, is a good thing. Nothing at all wrong with it, it will keep you out of some situations. You say you are fearful, but you stood up for what you believed was right and just, under conditions that would have coward most. If this guy was truly that large, then yes, most would have let him have it. I say again, the fear that you feel is a good fear. It will keep you aware of what is going on around you, keep you sensitive to your surroundings. You'll run into people that say they fear nothing, I tend to not believe that person. Every balanced person has some fear, it's how they deal with it that matters.

 

[Sukerkin]

The first thing to recognise is that fear is a perfectly normal human emotion and nothing to be ashamed of. It is only in comic books that people are not afraid when violence threatens.

Plus, and it may appear to be a platitude but it isn't, it takes more strength of character not to fight than otherwise.

I used to have the reverse problem to yourself, when I was young, in that I would fight at the drop of a hat. It took my father many years to knock that out of me .

I now have the mindset that allowing aggression free rein is more a sign of weakness and lack of real self-awareness than anything else.

The ability to communicate, reason, co-operate and reach amicable compromise is what makes a human, not having big muscles and adopting bully-boy posturing.

So, altho' at the moment it is no comfort to you, do not despair because you felt fear. If the time ever comes when you must fight because no other choice is left to you, then allow your training to come to the fore whilst you put your conscious mind on hold and let the cards fall where they may.

The key thing is to avoid that need ever arising. Situational awareness, common sense and a diplomatic approach can go a long way towards ensuring you never have to fight.

 

[still learning]

Hello, Sorry to hear about this sitution.

Please read "Verbal Judo" .....this will help you descalated the sitution next time.

Two ego's or one's pride can cause more trouble. Two wrongs do not make it right.

Fighting for the computer? What for? Just "ACT DUMB" and smile and keep saying " sorry the computer is RESERVED.

Let the other person go "nuts". Keep your cool. It is NOT worth dying for!

There will always be more than one way to solve a sitution....THINK OF SOLUTIONS!

"BETTER TO LET THE DOG THRU PATH , THAN GET BITTEN BY HIM!

Violence is NOT always the best answer! "unless you can win? " NOT!

Aloha

 

[Last Fearner]

I had this conflict with a bodybuilder,...
I said to him "Sorry you cant take this computer, it was reserved by a friend of mine, sorry",...
he replied "Why cant I, common dont ******** me, when he will come back",...
i said to this "No man, get up, you really cant,...
he was so angry that he just slapped the monitor with hes whole energy...
and said to me "****ing *****, mother****er"
I looked at him and said "Mother****er you too,....
he came close to me, i thought he would throw a punch at me or somethin,...

Wow! and all this over a reserved computer?

I know you are asking about the "fear" thing, and how to deal with that, but I will get to that in a moment.

You are a student of Taekwondo (among other things). Do you really feel that you handled this situation in the manner, and with the attitude of a Taekwondoist?

"I looked at him and said 'Mother****er you too',"

Perhaps you should talk to your instructor about this in a private conference, and ask for some guidance. Your training should include how NOT to get yourself into a fight by not stooping to the level of the other guy.

As to how the incident got started, you said you work at this internet cafe'? What is your job there? Are you the security or bouncer? What are the cafe' owner's rules about "reserving" computers for "friends" or anyone else? If there are any rules, are these rules posted so that other customers (such as Mr. Bodybuilder) can see them?

My first guess is that reserving computers at an internet cafe' is like reserving a row of seats at a movie theater. Unless tickets are sold specifically for those seats, anybody who wants to sit there might be courteous and move on when you say they are reserved, but there is nothing that requires them to do so. If you are an employee, are you within your rights to reserve a computer, or is this not a standard policy, and you are expecting people to be courteous if you tell them it is reserved?

Was this the only computer available? If this bodybuilder fellow was a legitimate customer who had every right to use an available computer, and was ready to use one right then, it seems to me that it would be inappropriate for you to refuse him. If that is the case, perhaps you should have told your friend, "I will try to hold a computer for you, but I'm not allowed to refuse other customers access if they want to use it. Did the bodybuilder know that you are an employee? The fact that you are an employee, and carry some authority there might have frustrated this bodybuilder, and is why he became angry if he felt he should have the right to use the computer.

What about the words you chose to address him in the first place?

"Sorry you cant take this computer, it was reserved by a friend of mine, sorry"

Why tell him it was for your friend? This might seem to him like a biased decision. And what is with this "cant" take this computer.

i said to this "No man, get up, you really cant, he reserved it and he will come in 10-15 min.."

The truth is, he could take the computer if he wanted. Instead of telling him what he "can't" do, perhaps you could inform him that the computer was reserved, and ask him to find another one, or wait for the next available one.

Try something like "Excuse me, sir. I'm sorry, but this computer is reserved during this time slot by another customer. Let me see if I can help you find another one. I'm sorry, sir. There does not seem to be any others available, but I'm sure someone will be done soon if you wouldn't mind waiting a moment. Thank you, sir!"

Even if he became belligerent at that point, you could still politely remind him, "I'm sorry, sir. There is nothing I can do since the computer is reserved. Please wait until another one is available." If you are within your rights to reserve computers (it is only fair then that others can reserve them as well), then you should have the backing of the cafe's policy. If you were not within your rights, then you could have asked him to please wait for another computer, but then you should not have been forceful about the matter.

(btw, what about using a "reserved" note taped to the front of the computer. If you are allowed to reserve them then this seems like a way to avoid a conflict in the first place.)

was he right, or was it me?Who was the winner?

Were you right? Did you have the authority to reserve a computer? If so, then you were right about that, but not how you did it (in my opinion).

Who was the winner? I would say that neither of you were. He did not get the computer he wanted, and his forceful, bullying ways was wrong, and could have gotten him banned from the cafe'. You survived the conflict (fortunately), but you will be a winner when you are in control of your own words and actions, and don't let someone else's rude or violent behavior bring you down to their level.

How can I fight against my fear?

Please people, any advice?Help me...

Thank you!

Fear is your mind's reaction to the unknown, and things that you perceive to be unpleasant, painful, or harmful to you. You might have determined that he was capable of doing you bodily harm, and you might not have known whether or not you could defeat him. This 'not knowing' is what causes your fear. This fear will not go away until you either don't care about the possible harm that can come to you, or you gain the confidence that you will prevail in a fight. This confidence in a person can be a false one, or it can come from first-hand experience (either in realistic training, or in actual street fights).

I don't recommend that you go out and get into fights on purpose (morality and ethics and all those things that are foreign to some people), but the fear is not a bad thing as long as you learn how to function when fear is present. It has been said that "Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the mastery of it." This does not mean that fear never goes away, because it can, but it means that those who are brave will act in the face of fear, and master their ability to function whenever fear is present.

My advice is to train well, and work on your attitude and self control when dealing with a hostile individual. Also, don't forget to talk to your instructor about this. It is something that he/she should be made aware of, and he or she might have some good advice for you.

Good luck,
CM D.J. Eisenhart

 

[shesulsa]

Last Fearner's post would be the ideal martial response, but streetwise, I think you did the right thing.

Saying, "Mother****er to you too," stopped that bully in his tracks - he got to hear how stupid he sounded and recognized that whether he had more might than you or not, pummeling you was not going to give him a victory.

You at least succeeded in that nobody got hurt that day. And I would also read "Verbal Judo."

What's already been said about fear is absolutely true - it is an alarm system. Don't kill the alarm system, it may save your life - just know what you need to do when the alarm is going off.

 

[Jade Tigress]

Last Fearner's post would be the ideal martial response, but streetwise, I think you did the right thing.

Saying, "Mother****er to you too," stopped that bully in his tracks - he got to hear how stupid he sounded and recognized that whether he had more might than you or not, pummeling you was not going to give him a victory.

You at least succeeded in that nobody got hurt that day. And I would also read "Verbal Judo."

What's already been said about fear is absolutely true - it is an alarm system. Don't kill the alarm system, it may save your life - just know what you need to do when the alarm is going off.

Couldn't have said it better. Kudos.

All that over a computer? Me thinks this *bodybuilder* may have a bit of a steroid use problem.

 

[zDom]

Mr. Eisenhart did a great job bringing up the most important issues.

But in regards to "heart thumping"and fear, let me share this with you:

With our without "fear," you could still end up with the same shakey, heart-thumping feeling. Adrenaline DOES that to you.

I have often known, on a cognitive level, that someone who is threatening me is most likely to be completely surprised and overwhelmed by my martial art abilities, if push comes to shove. But that doesn't stop the adrenaline rush from making me feel exactly as you did

Through training, you can learn to channel this adrenaline to to fast, powerful, effective technique.

But going back to Eisenhart: make sure you are doing everything to put yourself on solid moral ground so if you DO end up in a physical situation, you know in your heart that you did everything right to avoid, and not escalate, the situation.

Being polite and seeing the situation from all sides, not just YOUR perspective, can help you do the above.

Remember, if you are studying taekwondo, you should ask yourself:

In this situation, did you act with

courtesy? (even if HE is being rude!)

integrity? (were the rules on your side? Or is reserving NOT allowed, and you were
making unreasonable claim on the computer?)

self control? (prolly could have done with out the mother****er part )

I think you did a good job on the perseverance and indomitable spirit side of things

 

[Drunken_Boxer]

Hehehe thank you sooo much for the great advice, I dont know what to say.
I know that the "fear" thing is my best friend, but I dont want to be a scared girl who is afraid to fight with someone, I mean I dont like fights, i really dont like it, when I need to fight, then Im 100% ready, but to fight with a Bodybuilder only for a reserved computer?Common guys im not that stupid, that would be razy, and I would be the one who didnt think what did I just do?I punched him etc., but that didnt happened.
He came very close to me and said "You gonna get slaped boy", and yes I was a lil bit afraid and ready what he could done to me, I was "ready" and "scared", I replied with "If you got nuts common and throw a punch at me", he was sooo mad that he leaved the inet caffe.
To Last Fearner:

It was reserved 1 hour ago by a friend of mine, not my best friend, just a friend, and this bodybuilder was on a nother computer and he just wanted this "reserved computer", I really dont know why, cuz every computer are the same, nuthin special.I said "Sorry but this computer was reserved by a guy called Armin", the name isnt important, but I want that you understand this whole "story".
To fight with a bodybuilder because of an reserved computer?Man if thats not funny than I dont know what it is lool.
However...people, thanks for the greaaaaaat advice, I dont know if i did the right think or not, maybe I did, remember "Never hit your opponent first"

Hehehe.Greetings!

 

[Touch Of Death]

Im workin in a internet club/caffe, and I had this conflict with a bodybuilder, I reserved a computer to a friend who promised me to come back in 15 minutes, and this bodybuilder wanted this computer, I said to him "Sorry you cant take this computer, it was reserved by a friend of mine, sorry", he replied "Why cant I, common dont ******** me, when he will come back", i said to this "No man, get up, you really cant, he reserved it and he will come in 10-15 min.." he was so angry that he just slapped the monitor with hes whole energy (power) and said to me "****ing *****, mother****er" I looked at him and said "Mother****er you too, dont talk to my mom like that", he came close to me, i thought he would throw a punch at me or somethin, but he didnt, he said "What did you just said, I will slap you boy", I know i couldnt handle this, I dont like fights, but m yheart bumped fast, I was a ll bit scared to fight with him, not cuz he looked liek arnold schwarzenneger...I had this fear since I was a child etc., I replied to him "If you got nuts common and slap me", he just leaved the internet club.
He is just a jerk, he know my father and he know him, so I dont know why he didnt slaped me, is it cuz he knowed my father, or i dont know...

How can I fight against my fear?I really try my best...but I just cant, I practice taek won do and the eagle claw, I was in some tournaments and lost, but when it comes to a streetfight...i dont know, im scared to fight with someone.
But sometimes you just must "fight".I must be ready for every fight if someone attacking me... This happened like half hour ago, and Im still think about that...was he right, or was it me?Who was the winner?He had more fear?I just cant ...
Please people, any advice?Help me...

Thank you!

You aren't supposed to bicker with the patrons of the Cafe. If he slapped the computer, ban his ***. Don't tell them who the computer is reserved for, just that it is reserved. Sometimes you must fight but this ain't the time. I suggest you talk to an authority figure and run the cafe like you are told.
Sean

 

[Drunken_Boxer]

You aren't supposed to bicker with the patrons of the Cafe. If he slapped the computer, ban his ***. Don't tell them who the computer is reserved for, just that it is reserved. Sometimes you must fight but this ain't the time. I suggest you talk to an authority figure and run the cafe like you are told.
Sean

To fight with him because the computer was reserved?Hell no, Im not that stupid dude, but I know what you mean, he will never comeback, and I swear to god if he break the rules I must do somethin, because I banned him from the internet club.

PS: The inet caffe belongs to my fahter.

 

[kidswarrior]

How can I fight against my fear?I really try my best...but I just cant, I practice taek won do and the eagle claw, I was in some tournaments and lost, but when it comes to a streetfight...i dont know, im scared to fight with someone.
But sometimes you just must "fight".

Lots of good advice on the value of fear, and the morality of fighting, so I'm going to go a different direction and say, you did OK. You had a guy try to bully you into getting his way (Jade Tigress' point about steroids rings pretty true). You drew the boundaries for him--even though you felt fear--and he left without attacking. You did overcome your fear, not because you didn't feel it, but because you did feel it and did the right thing anyway (OK, maybe not the language, but the right idea).

As an old warhorse who in his younger days fought on the street a lot, I can tell you I always felt fear even though I pretty much believed I'd win every time. It's not about not feeling fear; it's about doing what you need to do anyway. And although your response was rough around the edges, I think you did pretty much what you had to do.

 

[Drunken_Boxer]

Lots of good advice on the value of fear, and the morality of fighting, so I'm going to go a different direction and say, you did OK. You had a guy try to bully you into getting his way (Jade Tigress' point about steroids rings pretty true). You drew the boundaries for him--even though you felt fear--and he left without attacking. You did overcome your fear, not because you didn't feel it, but because you did feel it and did the right thing anyway (OK, maybe not the language, but the right idea).

As an old warhorse who in his younger days fought on the street a lot, I can tell you I always felt fear even though I pretty much believed I'd win every time. It's not about not feeling fear; it's about doing what you need to do anyway. And although your response was rough around the edges, I think you did pretty much what you had to do.

I understand what you mean...but ok lets get serious, what would you do?
Just standing around and say nothin?He said bad things about your mother, i just reply the same thang what he did said to me, and I think I did the right thing.
I would never punch an enemy first, nah never.
The funny thing is when I sparring with my friends (I study Tae Kwon Do) full contact sparring, then I dont feel the fear, Im just my-self, relaxed and watch the opponents moves.
But when I really need to fight in the street, whereever, then Im lil bit afraid, im even afraid to sparring sometimes with my "teacher", he is quite large, muscleman and he is fast.

But thanks for the advice, thank you all.

 

[Kacey]

I understand what you mean...but ok lets get serious, what would you do?
Just standing around and say nothin?He said bad things about your mother, i just reply the same thang what he did said to me, and I think I did the right thing.

Yes... in fact, one of my students, in a similar situation, did just that. While in high school, one of my students was confronted by another student who tried to pick a fight with him - called him names, called his brother names, called his mother names... and Mason stood there and ignored him. Only when the other teen took a swing at him did Mason do anything, and all he did was block for several minutes until a teacher finally showed up, and pulled the other teen off him, letting Mason out of the corner he'd been stuck in.

Could Mason have responded to the verbal taunts? Certainly. Could he have responded to the physical attacks with more than blocks? Certainly. Did he do the right thing? Damn straight he did.

I would never punch an enemy first, nah never.

That's an interesting statement - beware of absolutes, they can come back and bite you when you don't expect it.

The funny thing is when I sparring with my friends (I study Tae Kwon Do) full contact sparring, then I dont feel the fear, Im just my-self, relaxed and watch the opponents moves.
But when I really need to fight in the street, whereever, then Im lil bit afraid, im even afraid to sparring sometimes with my "teacher", he is quite large, muscleman and he is fast.

That's because sparring is a game, and games have rules. One of the rules is that the amount of damage inflicted has a limit - beyond which the match will not go; if the limit is unintentionally passed, the match will end. These rules do not apply on the street, and your greater fear on the street is a recognition that you are aware of these rules on some level, even if you haven't quantified the difference for yourself.

 

[Drunken_Boxer]

Hey ppl, oh **** im so****ing afraid ppl, last half hour came he again, the bodybuilder with hes best friend, and hes friend is so large, he looks like schawrzenegger or somethin.He came to and said "Wheres your father?" i said "He is not here, why u ask" "My friend said that lookin for me and wants to fight wit me" i was like "I dont know what he said, but i can promise you if you touch my father i will break your nose", hes best friend replies to that "What did you just said?Zo break what?" and at this time i was really afraid, i had never this feeling, never.I came a lil bit closer to them "I said if you touch my father or somethin liek that that i will break your nose" they laughed so hard and was like "Ehhh ehhh ado, u dont have no idea", then i come close to them "Wait, so oyu guys take steroids and ****, killing your-self with that, and want to scare me away?You really think im afraid of your mukis?" they replied to this "Yes ado u should be scared" and then they just leaved the place.Thats it.

People seriouzsly what should I do?They lookin ****in large with huge mukis n ****...i dont want that they touch my father, people fast advice please.
This situation seems to be very serious, and he said that he will come back and talk to him.

 

[kidswarrior]

Hey ppl, oh **** im so****ing afraid ppl, last half hour came he again, the bodybuilder with hes best friend, and hes friend is so large, he looks like schawrzenegger or somethin.He came to and said "Wheres your father?" i said "He is not here, why u ask" "My friend said that lookin for me and wants to fight wit me" i was like "I dont know what he said, but i can promise you if you touch my father i will break your nose", hes best friend replies to that "What did you just said?Zo break what?" and at this time i was really afraid, i had never this feeling, never.I came a lil bit closer to them "I said if you touch my father or somethin liek that that i will break your nose" they laughed so hard and was like "Ehhh ehhh ado, u dont have no idea", then i come close to them "Wait, so oyu guys take steroids and ****, killing your-self with that, and want to scare me away?You really think im afraid of your mukis?" they replied to this "Yes ado u should be scared" and then they just leaved the place.Thats it.

People seriouzsly what should I do?They lookin ****in large with huge mukis n ****...i dont want that they touch my father, people fast advice please.
This situation seems to be very serious, and he said that he will come back and talk to him.

What should you do? You're doing it! They've been there twice, and all they've done is posture and try to bully. If they were going to do something, in my opinion, they would have already done it. On the other hand, you may want to let the police know just so it's on record, in case they vandalize something when no one's around.

BTW, bullies aren't looking for opponents. They're looking for victims. You are refusing to be their victim, and that confuses them, so they go back for reinforcements, laugh to make themselves feel bigger, etc. Being afraid is OK. Letting it control you is not. This episode is part of your true MA training.

 

[Kacey]

They've done what they wanted to do - they have successfully intimidated you, as kidswarrior said. However, I'll go a little farther: you need to call the police today. You need to get this harassment documented against the day they stop verbal bullying and start doing something more physical. CALL NOW.

 

[jks9199]

Hey ppl, oh **** im so****ing afraid ppl, last half hour came he again, the bodybuilder with hes best friend, and hes friend is so large, he looks like schawrzenegger or somethin.He came to and said "Wheres your father?" i said "He is not here, why u ask" "My friend said that lookin for me and wants to fight wit me" i was like "I dont know what he said, but i can promise you if you touch my father i will break your nose", hes best friend replies to that "What did you just said?Zo break what?" and at this time i was really afraid, i had never this feeling, never.I came a lil bit closer to them "I said if you touch my father or somethin liek that that i will break your nose" they laughed so hard and was like "Ehhh ehhh ado, u dont have no idea", then i come close to them "Wait, so oyu guys take steroids and ****, killing your-self with that, and want to scare me away?You really think im afraid of your mukis?" they replied to this "Yes ado u should be scared" and then they just leaved the place.Thats it.

People seriouzsly what should I do?They lookin ****in large with huge mukis n ****...i dont want that they touch my father, people fast advice please.
This situation seems to be very serious, and he said that he will come back and talk to him.

OK...

I'm calling ******** on this.

The original scenario sounded a little weird, but was believable.

This? This is sillyness. (It's also damn hard to read... but I'll give the benefit of the doubt that English isn't their first language.)

You need to talk directly to an adult. And possibly call local law enforcement if you've got folks threatening your father.

Not seek advice on an internet message board where you may or may not get an answer in the necessary time frame.

 

[Drunken_Boxer]

They've done what they wanted to do - they have successfully intimidated you, as kidswarrior said. However, I'll go a little farther: you need to call the police today. You need to get this harassment documented against the day they stop verbal bullying and start doing something more physical. CALL NOW.

To call the police?Nah, that would make the situation worser.
To jks: My english is very bad but I try my best that you guys understand my words and my problem.
I always look for some good advices through the internet and it really helped me alot dude

I dont know, I was damn afraid lol, he said that i will get a punch from him.
I thought he will kiss me lol...i reply "If you got nuts come and punch me" i said that that night too when he was angry only cuz a computer was "reserved", and I said "if you touch my father i will break your nose" i said that twice to him, they just made fun of me and started to laugh and walked away.
I dont know if i did the right thing, maybe i did, but man, thats sooo funny tough, to get mad cuz of an reserved computer, i dont know what to say anymore, its funny...

 

[Kacey]

You claim you are being harassed. You claim that the best response to being harassed is to harass back. You claim that you cannot call the police.... but you say that you go the internet for advice and it's helped you alot. Given the above, I fail to see how coming to the net for advice has helped you, as all you have done is tell people that the advice you've been given is inappropriate.

Your public profile lists your age as 19; your location as Bugojno. Please recall that the majority of posters on MT are from the US, where calling the police would be highly appropriate. If that is an inappropriate response, then you need to tell people why - and what other options you have available - because in the US, it would be the most appropriate response, and I don't doubt that there are cultural differences that feed into that response - but since you have provided none of the information that might help people to understand those differences, you are getting advice appropriate to the culture of the responders rather than the culture in which you live.

You asked for advice, and you were given advice. The fact that you don't like it and won't take it does not change the fact that you got what you asked for.