Adoption?

[Carol]

I'm going to ask a blunt question. I'm not so much looking for right or wrong answers, but I'm more interested in hearing people's perspectives, regardless of their views. Why don't more people adopt?

A year or two ago, my sister surprised me with the news that she and her husband have decided to adopt children...and a sibling unit at that. My biological niece and nephew are young, but already out on their own in the world.

Last fall, four precious souls joined the family. State laws say my sis and bro-in-law had to become a foster parents first to bring them home, then the adoption can be finalized some months later.

I received a muffled message from my sister (I suspect she may have been on the receiving end of a pillow fight at the time) indicating ... I think ... that the adoption has been finalized. This is news that we were all expecting. I am thrilled, they are thrilled, the kids are thrilled.

Why don't more people adopt children that need parents?

 

[dancingalone]

Good question. It's usually more of an option for infertile or gay couples who can't have children.

Some of the explanation has to be at least biological in origin. Do you think parents might identify with and love their children more precisely because they look like themselves? It is a sad fact that minority children have lower adoption rates in the United States.

Thoughts?

 

[Stac3y]

There are lots of different reasons. Personally, I won't adopt because I've already got 2 kids of my own and can't handle any more financially or emotionally.

My father and stepmother tried to adopt, but had problems because he was almost 20 years older than her--they were told that the age difference, and his age, made them a poor risk. After striking out in the U.S., they attempted to adopt an infant from China. Due to their ages (she was younger than optimal and he was older), they were told they could only adopt a child with disabilities, and they weren't prepared to deal with that. They were eventually able to have a child of their own, though they had extreme difficulty doing so.

They could have much more easily adopted a child who was older, or a child with a disability, but they didn't want to do that. They wanted what most adoptive parents want: a healthy infant of their own ethnicity. While there are a lot of kids out there who need parents, there aren't a lot of healthy infants of the parents' own ethnicity available, unless you can afford an expensive private adoption.

Most people don't want to take on a child who already has problems due to neglect or abuse--they want a blank slate; a BABY they can bond with. Many people don't want the added difficulty or expense of rearing a child with a disability, or just don't know how.

I'm sure there are lots of other reasons, but those are some I've encountered firsthand.

 

[Stac3y]

Oh, I forgot to add that my dad and stepmom were turned down by several church adoption services for being the "wrong" religion.

 

[Carol]

Good question. It's usually more of an option for infertile or gay couples who can't have children.

Some of the explanation has to be at least biological in origin. Do you think parents might identify with and love their children more precisely because they look like themselves? It is a sad fact that minority children have lower adoption rates in the United States.

Thoughts?

I think it is certainly possible. The adoption rate for minority children, esp. minority boys...is rather depressing.

I know my when my sister and bro-in-law went looking, they said they were looking for kids that were a bit harder to place. They were willing to consider a child of a different race, or a child with difficulties. Older kids are also difficult ot adopt.

My 6 year old niece is an absolute princess. She is sincere, loving little girl. My sister had told me that her contacts had said there were several familes that wanted to adopt her, but just her. They had little interest in adopting her 3 older brothers (oldest is 13). They had already been split up in to 4 different foster homes and were hoping upon hope to be adopted together.

 

[dancingalone]

I think it is certainly possible. The adoption rate for minority children, esp. minority boys...is rather depressing.

I never wanted to have children really. But when I saw our child quicken in my wife, I felt an instant connection. This child is ours. He is part of her and me - us. The moment he was born I marveled over his minute perfection, and my heart still melts every time he calls me 'Daddy'.

As rational as we are, we're still creatures frequently driven by our biology. Would I love another child as much who does not carry my DNA, who is not of my blood? If I am honest, I would have to say perhaps not.

 

[Carol]

I never wanted to have children really. But when I saw our child quicken in my wife, I felt an instant connection. This child is ours. He is part of her and me - us. The moment he was born I marveled over his minute perfection, and my heart still melts every time he calls me 'Daddy'.

As rational as we are, we're still creatures frequently driven by our biology. Would I love another child as much who does not carry my DNA, who is not of my blood? If I am honest, I would have to say perhaps not.

That's some great input! And having not really had a desire to become a parent myself, that is not something that I have genuinely expereinced.

My sister's first two children (now 21 and 19) were biological, and had her childbirth with her second not gone horribly wrong, she probably would have had more, and not chosen to adopt later in life as she has.

 

[blindsage]

My wife and I would like to adopt one day, but we are not financially secure enough at this point, we both want to go back to school soon, and we'd like to have at least one biological child first. But when we do, neither race or gender are an issue to us, and we have even talked about intentionally adopting older children specifically because of the difficulties they have in being placed. If we can afford it, I would really like to be able to adopt a sibling unit.

 

[Nomad]

I've considered it, and frankly, the amount of red-tape involved is somewhat daunting, even though it was obviously put in place as a way to find the best homes possible for the children.

There is also the stigma that comes with adopting an older child; what have they been through, and what effect will that (continue to) have on them? How would he/she integrate with our current family? Would adopting an older child put our kids at more risk of abuse or trauma or otherwise disrupt the occasionally tenuous harmony in our house?

I don't really know the answer to these questions; they're just a few of the things that have gone through my head when I've thought about it.

I'll let you know if I come to a decision... and yes, I do also understand that not coming to a decision is, if effect, a decision in itself.

 

[KELLYG]

Other than the examples that have been listed above. Some folks just do not want to have children.

 

[Bruno@MT]

I am going to be equally blunt: unless you have ever adopted, you have no idea. In that regard, it is not much different from having kids. Full disclosure: I have 2 adoptive sisters that are younger than me. For obvious reason I am not going to divulge details. PM me if you have specific question about my post.

If my wife and I would have been unable to get kids of our own, adoption might have been an option. However, would only want to adopt a baby. I don't care about the color of skin or origin. My sisters are from india and I have never known any different than that different skin colors were normal.

The reason I would only adopt a baby is that it is a real blank slate. A child that has been abandoned by his or her parents will likely never trust another parent again. Building a foundation of mutual trust and love is impossible. Yes, I know that you can rationalize all you want, but studies have shown that this condition happens in a large percentage of all kids who were abandoned by their parents.

In a normal parent relationship, you can expect kids to listen to their parents and do what they say based on trust and love. Kids that are incapable of establishing this trust relationship will never be compelled to really listen to their parents or to actually do things out of love. That simply doesn't happen.

Knowing what I know, and with significant chance of getting that problem if the kids fully understands the ultimate betrayal by its own parents, I would never ever adopt a child that is not a baby. This sort of thing is capable of ruining marriages and relationships, if the kid tries to play one parent against the other. Note that the problem is fairly specific: kids that lost the love of their parents due to death or other non voluntary circumstances can learn to love again. Kids that were betrayed and know it ... the odds are not good.

I realize these words are harsh. But I do not look through rose tinted glasses. I know what I am talking about and the problem I've described is real.

Another thing to keep in mind: Never ever adopt a kid that is older than any of the kids you already have (adoptive or natural). Age establishes a pecking order. The oldest kid is the first to go out, to get a drivers license, etc. With each kid you get (in a normal fashion) a sort of hierarchy is established. The whole social structure is used to the newest kids being the youngest. Suddenly injecting someone in the middle (or worse: on top) has significant chances of disrupting the entire unspoken hierarchy, and causing long lived resentment. This might seem silly an unfair, but in the real world this is a problem that should not be underestimated.

EDIt:
I do have a foster kid though, through http://www.sos-childrensvillages.org/pages/default.aspx
This way my foster daughter can grow up and get an education in her home country and hopefully build a better life for herself.

 

[girlbug2]

If it were financially possible for us to afford another child, I would adopt. But, only a child younger than our biological kids and preferably a baby. Race would not be a big issue with me, although I will not lie, it would make things considerably easier all around if the child were the same race as we. We did at one point briefly consider adopting a baby girl from China, but the expenses for that kind of adoption really add up.

 

[Deaf Smith]

Why don't more people adopt children that need parents?

Carol,

Cause life is too easy now. You don't respect life when it's so easy to just do your own thing. Way to many people want their pleasure now, right now, and pay later (if ever) and that 'meism' is a great part of the problem.

Add to that the loss of respect for life (Abortion, no-fault child abandonment, broken homes, etc...) and well, why go through the effort? And that is the attitude.

Sometimes I think we need a good depression or world war to bring back the 'greatest generation'. We seem to have lost our way.

Deaf

 

[Tames D]

I think the whole adoption process is what turns alot of people off from adopting. It's a major legal process that becomes very expensive. Why bother, especially if you can't get the "type" of adoptive child you want?

My wife and I went into our marriage with the agreement that we would never have children (we are able to). We were into our careers, and our lifestyles were something that didn't allow for children. We liked it that way. No restrictions.

Well, suddenly a girl we knew (very,very young) got pregnant and the father (also very,very young) bailed on her. She had no way of supporting her new baby and her single mother couldn't offer any help.

To make a long story short, we took that boy in and adopted him. A few months later the girl got pregnant again by another dude. He bailed too. Guess what, we brought home a brother for our son.

These guys are my sons. No one can tell me their not. They are 9 and 10 years old now. I forget that they were adopted until the subject comes up. They just happen to be white like my wife and me. If they were any other color I wouldn't care. My wife is now a stay home mom taking care of these little guys. My 9 year old is autistic. I wouldn't change a thing if I had to do it all over again. Unconditional love.

I understand those that don't want to go through this process. But I think it would be more rewarding than they realize.

 

[grydth]

Carol, after decades of life experience, I still have no idea why people act as they do. Sometimes I read things and wonder if I'm even in the same species with these individuals... I think some look at it as they would jury duty - - - they'll whine constantly about how bad things are, then dodge any action or responsibility every chance they get.

We have a "Brady Bunch", there's six of us.... my wife and her 2 boys from her prior marriage and myself and my 2 girls. While it can be challenging correcting "the other one's child", it can also be very rewarding. I think all 4 of the kids are great, with real chances to have good lives. I'm glad I got to talk the boys through some things, and delighted to have my wife as a mentor and role model for the girls.

Much of an effort - and it is a huge and sometimes difficult one - as it has been, I have to say parenting has been about as rewarding and worthwhile a thing as I've ever done.

 

[Aikicomp]

I think the whole adoption process is what turns alot of people off from adopting. It's a major legal process that becomes very expensive. Why bother, especially if you can't get the "type" of adoptive child you want?

My wife and I went into our marriage with the agreement that we would never have children (we are able to). We were into our careers, and our lifestyles were something that didn't allow for children. We liked it that way. No restrictions.

Well, suddenly a girl we knew (very,very young) got pregnant and the father (also very,very young) bailed on her. She had no way of supporting her new baby and her single mother couldn't offer any help.

To make a long story short, we took that boy in and adopted him. A few months later the girl got pregnant again by another dude. He bailed too. Guess what, we brought home a brother for our son.

These guys are my sons. No one can tell me their not. They are 9 and 10 years old now. I forget that they were adopted until the subject comes up. They just happen to be white like my wife and me. If they were any other color I wouldn't care. My wife is now a stay home mom taking care of these little guys. My 9 year old is autistic. I wouldn't change a thing if I had to do it all over again. Unconditional love.

I understand those that don't want to go through this process. But I think it would be more rewarding than they realize.

Well done and well said. Being adopted myself, I can relate to your story and luckily my adoptive parents were of the same mind you are.

Your children.......are your children......period. Whether they are biological or adopted you run the same crapshoot. You teach, love, care and dicipline them as best you know how and hope and pray it takes root.

Then you do the hardest thing a parent can do.......


let go.


Michael

 

[Aikicomp]

Carol,

IMO, it takes special kind of people to want to adopt in the first place (for all the reasons stated above)

I think it is due to that some people are just not up to the task.
I was blessed that my adoptive parents were, because without them my life wouls have been very, very different....and not for the better.

I also think one more reason that has not been mentioned is that some adoptive parents are scared to death that when their kids are old enough to understand what "adopted means" they will want to find their biological parent(s) as I did.

During my search for my biological parents, I spent many hours convincing my adoptive parents that if I found my bio's........

THEY WERE MY PARENTS NO MATTER WHAT and that would NEVER EVER change. THEY loved and cared for me, THEY made me feel safe when I was scared, THEY fixed my boo boo's when I got them, ect.

That brings a whole new aspect to the table for people contemplating to adopt or not.

Michael

 

[Bruno@MT]

Carol,

Cause life is too easy now. You don't respect life when it's so easy to just do your own thing. Way to many people want their pleasure now, right now, and pay later (if ever) and that 'meism' is a great part of the problem.

Add to that the loss of respect for life (Abortion, no-fault child abandonment, broken homes, etc...) and well, why go through the effort? And that is the attitude.

Sometimes I think we need a good depression or world war to bring back the 'greatest generation'. We seem to have lost our way.

Deaf

Do you have any personal experience with adoption or is this a general 'people are lazy nowadays' rant that could be posted in half a dozen different topics?

 

[Carol]

I actually strongly disagree with Deaf's comment. My sister lives in a part of the southern US that many people refer to as the "Bible Belt". The kids she adopted were from a different Bible Belt state. Many people down there feel as Deaf does with regards to abortion, etc, yet abortion in that region seems (just from my own unofficial percpetions) to be no more plentiful than it is here in in the Northeast. I remember going to the open house at their schools, and the 6 year old grabbed my hand and ran with me in to her classroom. She wanted me to sit down and read a book to her (which I did). When I finally had a chance to meet her teacher, she said with a smile "Who is this?" She smilled and said "Aunt Carol!!" I said "Hi, I'm her mom's sister Carol" She introduced herself and whispered in my ear "She is soooo lucky, she and her brothers are soooo lucky," and started shaking her head slightly as if she couldn't picture anyone adopting 4 siblings. (Which was generally the response whenever we meet someone that knows their back story). The kids feel lucky too, they stick very close together and they are very protective of one another. We are just as lucky to have them in our lives.

However, one of the factors in my mind when I posted the topic how having biological children seems to be something that is more prized in the tenets of religion. The Roman Catholic church and some minor Prostestant sects forbid the use of Birth control (although I think you'd be hard pressed to find a Catholic under 45 in the US that didn't use some kind of birth control). There are even natalistic sects that emphasize raising a large family. Now, theere are countless Christian sects that support the idea of adoption, and some even help run agencies to support the process. However, the sects seem to be hung up on taking"marry and multiply" as meaning "mary and mulitply biologically"

I have never seen any sect that emphasized adoption. Indeed there are sects whose actions appear to impede the process rather than encourage it. There are somesuch as the Qwiverfulls, and the agency's as Stac3y mentioned that will use faith as reason to deny placement,

Is adoption for everyone? No clearly not, and adopting 4 is...definitely off the mark. But that is also why I think adoption, for the folks that can make it work, is so special.

 

[jks9199]

Adoption is not an easy process, emotionally, financially, or practically. And that's if there are no complicating factors, like special needs or cross-race. Or issues like some rulings and decisions that have said that the birth parents can revoke their consent for an unforgivably long period... so that the kid someone's been loving and raising for years can suddenly be yanked away. It's not easy for the birth parent, either, to let go off their child.

Adoptive parents, as well as the birth parents who recognize that for whatever reason they cannot care for the child properly, deserve to be praised. Adoption should be more effective encouraged, though I admit that I don't know how it can be done.

One note on birth control -- Carol's oversimplified the Roman Catholic Church's teachings on birth control; only artificial birth control is prohibited. That includes surgical measures like tubal ligation or vasectomy. Anything that artificially blocks conception. Modern Natural Family Planning can be very effective, though it isn't easy and requires self discipline and self control.