What to do when betrayed

matt.m

Senior Master
Joined
May 16, 2006
Messages
2,521
Reaction score
121
Location
St. Louis
Touchy subject so I won't name name's specifically. However, I have an aquaintance that I thought was a friend, turned out he was more or less using me to "Chase a belt". He wanted help for a belt test so I spent a lot of time and sweat equity on him so he would be ready. This past Thursday I was worried he had been in a wreck so I called his cell 2x to make sure he was ok as he was late for Judo class. When he arrived he told me that he didn't have his cell phone. However the person he was with grabbed the cell phone from the persons pocket and called home to announce they had made it.

He and I had something in common, we are both military veterans. He seemed to be genuine, however he is not.

He was my judo student, not any longer......my decision to put it kindly. He is wanting to cross train in two other arts, which is fine. I do sword, escrima, bo staff, knife.....extra cirricular stuff. Extra cirricular is the key term, I may practice at home but it is material we do at the dojang as well. I am too passionate about instructing Judo and learning Lee H. Park's hapkido too much too bother about other stuff, much less other schools.

However, I saw this persons true colors when he not only angered me but made the GM of our organization so angry I was suprised he didn't "Get him" so to speak.

He wanted to be my partner in hapkido class and I wouldn't do it. I wanted to help someone else who genuinely wanted the help.
 

tshadowchaser

Sr. Grandmaster
MT Mentor
Founding Member
MTS Alumni
Joined
Aug 29, 2001
Messages
13,460
Reaction score
733
Location
Athol, Ma. USA
I am not in TKD but have had a similar experience. It ended with me leaving the organization I belonged to because the GM and my instructor more or less said that I should have seen it coming and that I could live with the person telling lies and causing trouble because I was the one that brought him into the organization and had him promoted. I had thought he was about to die but that did not happen and he started strutting around like he had earned the belt and causing me trouble by fabricating tales and misrepresenting himself and saying I had said things I never did about my instructor.
To this day I hold a grudge and will never be friends with him or the new GMs of my old organization.
Trouble is he will never step onto the floor if I am at an event. Take that anyway you want to read it
 

granfire

Sr. Grandmaster
Joined
Dec 8, 2007
Messages
15,957
Reaction score
1,568
Location
In Pain
The best revenge is living well.

The damage is done, not much you can do about it. Holding a grudge (and believe me, as I get older I am holding on to stuff longer) only hurts yourself.

be done with the person, but let it go, in your own best interest.
 

Twin Fist

Grandmaster
Joined
Mar 22, 2008
Messages
7,185
Reaction score
210
Location
Nacogdoches, Tx
visualize how you want your life to be, then take out everything thats not in that picture.

hard to do sometimes, but it's a pretty simple theory
 

DMcHenry

Blue Belt
Joined
Mar 28, 2008
Messages
245
Reaction score
5
Location
Houston, TX
I've been stabbed int he back several times. Can take a while to get over emotionally, and you never quite completely get over it depending on how close the person was. You just have to go your own way and disassociate yourself from that person. The longer you are away from the situation/person, the better it gets. You need to try to let it go, just never forget. It teaches you to be more careful in the future, but that doesn't mean it won't happen again with someone esle in some other situation.

Good luck sir.
 

Kacey

Sr. Grandmaster
MTS Alumni
Joined
Jan 3, 2006
Messages
16,462
Reaction score
227
Location
Denver, CO
It's hard to when you've been betrayed by someone; harder when it's someone you consider(ed) a friend. The best you can do at that point is take care of yourself, and concentrate on those around you that you do trust. Don't let experiences like this keep you from trusting others - that's the biggest risk at this point, or at least it would be for me. Don't let this other person have too big a negative impact on your life.
 

terryl965

<center><font size="2"><B>Martial Talk Ultimate<BR
MTS Alumni
Joined
Apr 9, 2004
Messages
41,259
Reaction score
340
Location
Grand Prairie Texas
Matt there is only one thing you can do, pick yourself up and carry on and remember the good times you had and try to keep the door open if he ever needs help in the future. Once a friend always a friend, but not allows one that you can count on in the near future.
 
OP
matt.m

matt.m

Senior Master
Joined
May 16, 2006
Messages
2,521
Reaction score
121
Location
St. Louis
Thanks all,

I have let it go. I pretty much did this past Thursday. I figure it was his problem not mine. Anyway, I would help him on a personal, non-MA level by being a good listener etc. if he truly needed.

I talked to the wife about it, being that she is smarter than I,
icon12.gif
, and well she agreed with my decision. I don't carry grudge baggage around. Life is too short and I have too much other crap to worry about anyway.

I have also learned in life that people who jump around looking for the "Best deal" never get anywhere anyway. To quote my wife, "You have patience with your belt ranking continuation in hapkido and you are putting a lot of effort in your 3rd dan thesis for Judo. You don't complain you just train, too bad he couldn't get that. His loss not yours." She is right of course, I have a strong class, heck even though I don't actively try and belt up in TKD doesn't mean that I still don't try and help as I can with the lower belts. I try and instill into the young ones that everyone has self worth and is a worthy friend until they prove otherwise, then it is off to kicking and punching drills we go. I am an upper belt in TKD but that cirriculum advancement is now on the back burner for a while. However, that doesn't mean that it isnt worth helping to share with those who want to learn.
 

level7

Orange Belt
Joined
Nov 16, 2008
Messages
60
Reaction score
1
Sorry, senior moment...He asked you for help in training for a belt, you helped him.

I don't understand where the conflict is. Are you pissed because he said he didn't have his cell phone?
 

JadeDragon3

Black Belt
Joined
Aug 24, 2007
Messages
575
Reaction score
11
Location
Lexington, Kentucky
Touchy subject so I won't name name's specifically. However, I have an aquaintance that I thought was a friend, turned out he was more or less using me to "Chase a belt". He wanted help for a belt test so I spent a lot of time and sweat equity on him so he would be ready. This past Thursday I was worried he had been in a wreck so I called his cell 2x to make sure he was ok as he was late for Judo class. When he arrived he told me that he didn't have his cell phone. However the person he was with grabbed the cell phone from the persons pocket and called home to announce they had made it.

He and I had something in common, we are both military veterans. He seemed to be genuine, however he is not.

He was my judo student, not any longer......my decision to put it kindly. He is wanting to cross train in two other arts, which is fine. I do sword, escrima, bo staff, knife.....extra cirricular stuff. Extra cirricular is the key term, I may practice at home but it is material we do at the dojang as well. I am too passionate about instructing Judo and learning Lee H. Park's hapkido too much too bother about other stuff, much less other schools.

However, I saw this persons true colors when he not only angered me but made the GM of our organization so angry I was suprised he didn't "Get him" so to speak.

He wanted to be my partner in hapkido class and I wouldn't do it. I wanted to help someone else who genuinely wanted the help.

Why do you say he was using you just because he said he didn't have his cell phone? That doesn't mena he used you. Am I missing something here?
 

JadeDragon3

Black Belt
Joined
Aug 24, 2007
Messages
575
Reaction score
11
Location
Lexington, Kentucky
The best revenge is living well.

So true. I say that all the time. Whenever me and a girlfriend break up I make it a point to go somewhere where I think she might be hanging out at and I dress really nice and have my car washed and waxed and look like I'm having the time of my life. Live well. Thats what I say.
 
OP
matt.m

matt.m

Senior Master
Joined
May 16, 2006
Messages
2,521
Reaction score
121
Location
St. Louis
The whole deal with the "I didn't bring my cell phone" pissed me off because his son pulled his dad's cell phone out of his dad's right front pocket called his mom and told her that "They had made it."

I was worried he might have been in an accident because he had always been early for Judo. He has caused grief to my father and the GM of the Org. I was standing there when he did it.

The whole thing just rubbed me the wrong way. I am a believer that if you belong to an org. then you stay loyal to that org. I am a believer in cross training. However, I am not going to other orginizations to do it. He is do just that, while complaining that "Oh, I am being held back." A blue belt in hapkido after 2.5 yrs. is actually good considering it takes 4-5 in Tae Kwon Do to even be considered for black belt candidate.

My Judo takes at least 5 yrs of steady training. I just promoted a group that has been with me for a year and a half to green belt. White, Yellow, Green, etc.

If you get your Black Belt in Hapkido in 5-6 yrs. in MSK then you have real talent. In a way we are like the Marine Corps.......You really have to want to do it.
 

wade

Black Belt
Joined
Nov 24, 2006
Messages
695
Reaction score
19
Location
Saint Helens Oregon
Matt, even though you have let me go I don't hold a grudge. So, when you are betrayed, let it go, move on, live only for yourself. Revenge is best served cold, eh?
 
OP
matt.m

matt.m

Senior Master
Joined
May 16, 2006
Messages
2,521
Reaction score
121
Location
St. Louis
Yep,

When you don't live for yourself then you are just crazy. It is crap for people to act without honor but oh well who cares. If I stayed mad at everything that ever pissed me off then I would never quit being mad.

Me, I have been training and chillin' it is all good.
 

Deaf Smith

Master of Arts
Joined
Apr 25, 2008
Messages
1,722
Reaction score
85
Matt,

While I'm not a Dear Abby fan, I did once read a suggestion of hers that was so true I adopted it.

She said, "Don't get even, get ahead". That clicked with me. Changed me in an instant.

Now I've helped others many a time that didn't give me the time of day later. No big deal. I expect it. I know that many people are not like me and, well, have what is called, "Situational Ethics".

That's them, not me!


I'm politically to the right of John Wayne, so you can see what my ethics are pretty easily. But, people lying to me? Oh yea. People not going the distance when they said they would? Oh yea. Talking the talk but not walking the walk. Happens all the time.

But Matt, you are you, not them.

And are you not happy you did not grow up to be them? Right?

Me to.

Don't get even, get ahead.

Deaf
 

Lynne

Master of Arts
Joined
May 4, 2007
Messages
1,571
Reaction score
30
Location
Northeast, USA
Thanks all,

I have let it go. I pretty much did this past Thursday. I figure it was his problem not mine. Anyway, I would help him on a personal, non-MA level by being a good listener etc. if he truly needed.

I talked to the wife about it, being that she is smarter than I,
icon12.gif
, and well she agreed with my decision. I don't carry grudge baggage around. Life is too short and I have too much other crap to worry about anyway.

I have also learned in life that people who jump around looking for the "Best deal" never get anywhere anyway. To quote my wife, "You have patience with your belt ranking continuation in hapkido and you are putting a lot of effort in your 3rd dan thesis for Judo. You don't complain you just train, too bad he couldn't get that. His loss not yours." She is right of course, I have a strong class, heck even though I don't actively try and belt up in TKD doesn't mean that I still don't try and help as I can with the lower belts. I try and instill into the young ones that everyone has self worth and is a worthy friend until they prove otherwise, then it is off to kicking and punching drills we go. I am an upper belt in TKD but that cirriculum advancement is now on the back burner for a while. However, that doesn't mean that it isnt worth helping to share with those who want to learn.
I'm glad you have let it go already. Someone who is genuine and needs help may approach you in the future.
 
OP
matt.m

matt.m

Senior Master
Joined
May 16, 2006
Messages
2,521
Reaction score
121
Location
St. Louis
Thanks again everyone. I am telling you that I have once again did what I said and I said what I meant. I do stay in contact with this person, I also see him on a weekly basis. However, what is entertaining is the aspect that I keep hearing the same ol' gripe. "I am being held back, etc." It is ok, people have feelings and to them they are legitimate and should always be considered to a point.

The caveat to all of this is the following, "If you have questions then ask, it is the instructors job to instruct correctly. It is up to the student to apply. A two way street is just the ticket to always remember."


In many instances, I have been martial art challenged so to speak. However, I asked the intended question, got the answer and worked on that one thing until I got it.
 
Top