What to do when betrayed

matt.m

Senior Master
Joined
May 16, 2006
Messages
2,521
Reaction score
121
Location
St. Louis
Touchy subject so I won't name name's specifically. However, I have an aquaintance that I thought was a friend, turned out he was more or less using me to "Chase a belt". He wanted help for a belt test so I spent a lot of time and sweat equity on him so he would be ready. This past Thursday I was worried he had been in a wreck so I called his cell 2x to make sure he was ok as he was late for Judo class. When he arrived he told me that he didn't have his cell phone. However the person he was with grabbed the cell phone from the persons pocket and called home to announce they had made it.

He and I had something in common, we are both military veterans. He seemed to be genuine, however he is not.

He was my judo student, not any longer......my decision to put it kindly. He is wanting to cross train in two other arts, which is fine. I do sword, escrima, bo staff, knife.....extra cirricular stuff. Extra cirricular is the key term, I may practice at home but it is material we do at the dojang as well. I am too passionate about instructing Judo and learning Lee H. Park's hapkido too much too bother about other stuff, much less other schools.

However, I saw this persons true colors when he not only angered me but made the GM of our organization so angry I was suprised he didn't "Get him" so to speak.

He wanted to be my partner in hapkido class and I wouldn't do it. I wanted to help someone else who genuinely wanted the help.
 

grydth

Senior Master
Joined
Jan 13, 2007
Messages
2,464
Reaction score
150
Location
Upstate New York.
The fact that an individual is a fellow veteran or martial artist sadly is not a guarantee that they will be honorable. This has happened to many of us; there are a lot of "users" out there.

Take solace that your own actions were correct and well intentioned.

Sever completely the relationship with this individual who has so disrupted your group's tranquility.

Put this person out of mind by spending effort on those who deserve it.
 

Drac

Sr. Grandmaster
MTS Alumni
Joined
Jul 16, 2004
Messages
22,738
Reaction score
143
Location
Ohio
Sorry to hear that matt...Jeeze, the users are out there, most of the time they can be ignored and put out of mind, but when its someone you considered a friend it really makes you angry...He made GMH angry too?? Not a wise thing to do...
 

terryl965

<center><font size="2"><B>Martial Talk Ultimate<BR
MTS Alumni
Joined
Apr 9, 2004
Messages
41,259
Reaction score
340
Location
Grand Prairie Texas
All anybody can do is pick up the pieces and carry on. I hope in time the wound will heal for you.
 

Drac

Sr. Grandmaster
MTS Alumni
Joined
Jul 16, 2004
Messages
22,738
Reaction score
143
Location
Ohio
If I had Father Greeks permission I would post his story of betrayal...Its a goodie but had racial overtones...
 

Kumbajah

Purple Belt
Joined
Jul 14, 2004
Messages
349
Reaction score
8
Maybe I'm missing something - the betrayal was lying about why he didn't take your call? Why did you think he was in a wreck? Just because he was late?

Did you ask him why? Maybe he was looking for a way to spare your feelings - "I didn't want to take your call" where it may be the truth is a bit harsh maybe he was looking to soften the truth. Maybe he was simply looking for instruction rather than friendship.

I don't mean to discount your feelings but it seems a bit excessive to cut ties over this incident.

Or is because he wants to cross train? Saying someone can't cross train at another school is a bit cultish imo. It's not as if he's beholden to a blood oath because he takes MAs at the local strip mall.
 

Andy Moynihan

Senior Master
MT Mentor
Joined
Jun 9, 2006
Messages
3,692
Reaction score
176
Location
People's Banana Republic of Massachusettstan, Disu
Maybe I'm missing something - the betrayal was lying about why he didn't take your call? Why did you think he was in a wreck? Just because he was late?

Did you ask him why? Maybe he was looking for a way to spare your feelings - "I didn't want to take your call" where it may be the truth is a bit harsh maybe he was looking to soften the truth. Maybe he was simply looking for instruction rather than friendship.

I don't mean to discount your feelings but it seems a bit excessive to cut ties over this incident.

Or is because he wants to cross train? Saying someone can't cross train at another school is a bit cultish imo. It's not as if he's beholden to a blood oath because he takes MAs at the local strip mall.

Might be a good idea to finish reading all posts in a thread before coming to a final conclusion.

Drac has told us just before you posted that there is absolutely more to it than what you name, but the best way to describe it at this time is, "Not Public Business".

If we are to be told, those in position to do so will tell us.
 

Kumbajah

Purple Belt
Joined
Jul 14, 2004
Messages
349
Reaction score
8
I took Drac's reference as another story of betrayal. Not the same as the OP.

If it's "Not Public Business" why post it on a public forum. Still seems odd imo.
 

jks9199

Administrator
Staff member
Lifetime Supporting Member
Joined
Jul 2, 2006
Messages
23,440
Reaction score
3,750
Location
Northern VA
I took Drac's reference as another story of betrayal. Not the same as the OP.

If it's "Not Public Business" why post it on a public forum. Still seems odd imo.
In all honesty, I had the same thoughts. I am fairly confident that the story Drac alluded to is a different story entirely. But the detail's in Matt's original post just don't say "betrayal" as given, to me. Because of that, I just don't have anything to say by way of advice beyond trite "give it time and you'll get over it" or "live and learn" aphorisms.
 

Ninjamom

2nd Black Belt
Joined
May 29, 2006
Messages
882
Reaction score
84
Location
Solomons, MD, USA
Sounds like Matt is trying to vent in a kind, discreet manner, and not giving us all the details on purpose. Having read others of his posts, I trust his character and intent enough to think that he isn't just blowing smoke or making up something out of a non-issue. SOMETHING happened, and it impacted him, his friendship, his school, and his GM.

Realizing that we have very little to go on to be able to comment, Matt, I'd just want to encourage you to remember that your instruction has value and worth, whether the people receiving it realize it or not. In that respect, what you do, the sweat you give, and the energy you pour into others will never go to waste. I am sorry that you are not seeing the benefit of all that work in this individual's study (and character) at this time, but it will be there, none-the-less.
 

Ceicei

Grandmaster
MT Mentor
Joined
Apr 23, 2003
Messages
6,775
Reaction score
85
Location
Utah
Ninjamom,
Very well said and quite wise.
- Ceicei

Sounds like Matt is trying to vent in a kind, discreet manner, and not giving us all the details on purpose. Having read others of his posts, I trust his character and intent enough to think that he isn't just blowing smoke or making up something out of a non-issue. SOMETHING happened, and it impacted him, his friendship, his school, and his GM.

Realizing that we have very little to go on to be able to comment, Matt, I'd just want to encourage you to remember that your instruction has value and worth, whether the people receiving it realize it or not. In that respect, what you do, the sweat you give, and the energy you pour into others will never go to waste. I am sorry that you are not seeing the benefit of all that work in this individual's study (and character) at this time, but it will be there, none-the-less.
 

Tez3

Sr. Grandmaster
Supporting Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2006
Messages
27,606
Reaction score
4,898
Location
England
I took Drac's reference as another story of betrayal. Not the same as the OP.

If it's "Not Public Business" why post it on a public forum. Still seems odd imo.


Because he trusts us.
Because sometimes we all need to rant to like minded people and know they understand even when we don't write everything.
Because Ninjamom is right.
 

terryl965

<center><font size="2"><B>Martial Talk Ultimate<BR
MTS Alumni
Joined
Apr 9, 2004
Messages
41,259
Reaction score
340
Location
Grand Prairie Texas
Because he trusts us.
Because sometimes we all need to rant to like minded people and know they understand even when we don't write everything.
Because Ninjamom is right.

Just she and you are right, sometimes people need to bent and we are hear to listen and lend an ear. I know I appreciate it when people listen to some of the stupid rants I have had here on MT.
 

Tez3

Sr. Grandmaster
Supporting Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2006
Messages
27,606
Reaction score
4,898
Location
England
Just she and you are right, sometimes people need to bent and we are hear to listen and lend an ear. I know I appreciate it when people listen to some of the stupid rants I have had here on MT.


I rant too and while it maybe 'the internet', the thoughts of a lot of people on here mean a lot to me.
 

Kumbajah

Purple Belt
Joined
Jul 14, 2004
Messages
349
Reaction score
8
Sounds like Matt is trying to vent in a kind, discreet manner, and not giving us all the details on purpose. Having read others of his posts, I trust his character and intent enough to think that he isn't just blowing smoke or making up something out of a non-issue. SOMETHING happened, and it impacted him, his friendship, his school, and his GM.

Realizing that we have very little to go on to be able to comment, Matt, I'd just want to encourage you to remember that your instruction has value and worth, whether the people receiving it realize it or not. In that respect, what you do, the sweat you give, and the energy you pour into others will never go to waste. I am sorry that you are not seeing the benefit of all that work in this individual's study (and character) at this time, but it will be there, none-the-less.

I agree with the second part and Matt should take that to heart.

But as for the first part, apparently the guy is still at the school so it couldn't have been that big of deal. Again why choose here to vent discretely - not a place to be discrete - it's a Public Forum. With the small amount of details provided a fellow school goer could identify the person. Takes Judo and Hapkido and is former military and Matt won't work with him.

From the details provided it just doesn't seem like betrayal. Maybe some hurt feelings, maybe a misunderstanding of the relationship, seems like something to sleep on rather than making a rash call. FWIW
 

Tez3

Sr. Grandmaster
Supporting Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2006
Messages
27,606
Reaction score
4,898
Location
England
I agree with the second part and Matt should take that to heart.

But as for the first part, apparently the guy is still at the school so it couldn't have been that big of deal. Again why choose here to vent discretely - not a place to be discrete - it's a Public Forum. With the small amount of details provided a fellow school goer could identify the person. Takes Judo and Hapkido and is former military and Matt won't work with him.

From the details provided it just doesn't seem like betrayal. Maybe some hurt feelings, maybe a misunderstanding of the relationship, seems like something to sleep on rather than making a rash call. FWIW

Dear me, unconditional sympathy for a mate isn't there is it?
Matt posted up as he's hurt, I don't require him to be a saint to have my goodwill and support. I also don't require him to go into anymore details than he has. I don't criticise him for being hurt, I send him my support and understanding.
There's not a person alive who hasn't stumbled along the way.
 

Kumbajah

Purple Belt
Joined
Jul 14, 2004
Messages
349
Reaction score
8
I take a different view - he posted on a public forum looking for advice. I'm not his friend - I'm just a guy that likes Hapkido that also likes to chat about it. With the details provided I don't see betrayal. So rather then indulging immature handling of a socially awkward situation my advice is to reexamine the situation and see if he can gain a deeper understanding. Perhaps there is something else to the story that Matt's behavior contributed to the situation. Maybe he mistook a training situation as friendship and was calling the guy too much and the guy was just dodging him - I don't know - the details are scant. I don't think he has to be mollycoddled.
 

Kumbajah

Purple Belt
Joined
Jul 14, 2004
Messages
349
Reaction score
8
Again - it's a public forum. If you ask publicly for advice you may not enjoy all the comments. You may feel it's your place to give internet hugs - I don't. I think you are doing more harm than good.
 

Tez3

Sr. Grandmaster
Supporting Member
Joined
Oct 13, 2006
Messages
27,606
Reaction score
4,898
Location
England
Again - it's a public forum. If you ask publicly for advice you may not enjoy all the comments. You may feel it's your place to give internet hugs - I don't. I think you are doing more harm than good.

Your opinion only.
Matt is an friend albeit an internet one, I don't chose to criticise him.
You may chose to criticise him or his posts, I'm sure he'll answer you if he wishes. That's your perogative. Mine is to offer internet hugs. I'm a mother, what can I say?
 
Top