Verbal Self-Defense, Best Verbal De-escalation Strategies for Kids and Adults?
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Cyriacus
Senior Master
First off, its not always possible. Some people need to 'work themselves up' before they can do anything. Its easy to confuse that with someone being a degenerate or feeding their ego.
Secondly, dont play the game. If someone asks what you were looking at, you were wondering what they were drinking. If someone tells you to shut the **** up and **** off, do it. If someone pushes you, you say easy mate, bring your hands up, and back right off. Let them 'win', and/or let them save face. You can rebuild your own ego later. But while youre doing that, prepare for the first possibility.
Thirdly, sometimes an insult or threat can be used to get your mind working in overdrive for a fraction of a second, creating a perfect window for a sudden attack.
School is a little different, because as much as some people might like to believe it, bullys arent cowardly rejects. Theyre either feeding an ego or letting off some steam. Sometimes, that comes back to issue #1, where the verbal part is purely a buildup.
Secondly, dont play the game. If someone asks what you were looking at, you were wondering what they were drinking. If someone tells you to shut the **** up and **** off, do it. If someone pushes you, you say easy mate, bring your hands up, and back right off. Let them 'win', and/or let them save face. You can rebuild your own ego later. But while youre doing that, prepare for the first possibility.
Thirdly, sometimes an insult or threat can be used to get your mind working in overdrive for a fraction of a second, creating a perfect window for a sudden attack.
School is a little different, because as much as some people might like to believe it, bullys arent cowardly rejects. Theyre either feeding an ego or letting off some steam. Sometimes, that comes back to issue #1, where the verbal part is purely a buildup.
It's important that you keep a cool head and don't let your ego get invested in winning. You win if you keep the confrontation from comming to blows.
I work nights in a hotel with a 24h bar.... alone, so I regularly have to deal with violent drunks fighting with each other and plenty of times getting aggressive with me, only once has it come to one taking a swing at me.
I find that no matter what they say to me and even of they start pushing me If I stay calm and very polite it can calm a situation.
The trick is keep your distance but don't appear to be backing off, sometimes if they think u might be afraid it boots their ego and makes it worse. Keep calm, don't try to make your self imposing, talk politely and softly. All depends on the aggressor to tho.
I find that no matter what they say to me and even of they start pushing me If I stay calm and very polite it can calm a situation.
The trick is keep your distance but don't appear to be backing off, sometimes if they think u might be afraid it boots their ego and makes it worse. Keep calm, don't try to make your self imposing, talk politely and softly. All depends on the aggressor to tho.
Chris Parker
Grandmaster
Hmm. The big issue with all the comments made is that they are circumstantially dependent... each will be best on different occasions. In other words, there is no "best" way that can be described here. A few of these options can escalate things, rather than de-escalate... but, in another situation, will be perfect. The reality is that the people involved, the social environment, the forms of aggression, and more all impact whether de-escalation is possible, or advisable, let alone whether it's more passive, aggressive, purely verbal, adds physical intimidation (another form of de-escalation), or anything else. So there can not actually be any answer to the question in the OP.
Cyriacus
Senior Master
Perhaps, but we can clean up the OPs perspective a bit. Which admittedly, youve done a better job of.
Either way, i for one was addressing the sweeping notion of de-escalation being 'expected', and the notion of hotheads being the only people who do that stuff. I think i succeeded to some extent.
I agree completely with you and Chris. Much of what has been discussed relies heavily on ones ability to read a situation and the people involved. Some of this is an acquired skill, and some an inate ability. Short of going out and provoking confrontations, acquiring the skills is a bit spotty. Some of the insights here may be helpful if one is faced with a situation and needs to figure the options. Suboptimal, but better than not having thought about it and rehearsed some scenarios on ones mind.
Well as Cyriacus said, sometimes, its not always possible to verbally de-escalte a situation. One thing I'd suggest is to do your best to remain calm, despite how upset, nervous, angry you may be getting. I've had many of those "What the **** are you looking at??" comments come my way. Whether or not I was actually looking at the person is moot. Sorry man I thought you looked familiar, someone that I used to go to school/work with. Hey, no problem man, I wasn't looking at you. I thought I saw a friend of mine behind you.
These are just a few examples that I used, but IMO, it's hard to pinpoint something for every situation, because every situation is unique in itself.
One thing that I do prefer, as far as how we act, is to be confident, but not overly cocky. In other words, don't be an *** when you're talking to the guy but at the same time, dont act like a wimp either. No, IMO, being confident has nothing to do with being macho or having a big ego. You're still being somewhat nice with your actions, but you're not being a pushover either. I think that in some cases, acting like a scared child can do more harm than good.
It is totally based on the situation. The only thing that is always recommended is to stay calm. Don't let yourself get pulled into an angry situation or simply react.
Other than that you have to read people well to understand ahead of time how a situation is likely to go. This comes with experience. You can sometimes talk someone down, but occasionally you have an idiot dead set on hurting someone. Goes for bullies in school as well as idiots at a bar.
My tip is to look into behavioral Psychology. Lots of great information there. Just learn how the mind works. After all, every action starts out as a thought, even a subconscious one. With experience comes the understanding of when to back off, when to talk and when fighting for your life is going to be innevitable and necessary.
Other than that you have to read people well to understand ahead of time how a situation is likely to go. This comes with experience. You can sometimes talk someone down, but occasionally you have an idiot dead set on hurting someone. Goes for bullies in school as well as idiots at a bar.
My tip is to look into behavioral Psychology. Lots of great information there. Just learn how the mind works. After all, every action starts out as a thought, even a subconscious one. With experience comes the understanding of when to back off, when to talk and when fighting for your life is going to be innevitable and necessary.
MantisTLK
Yellow Belt
All the advice previously given is sound advice. Personally, I know I am a smart ***, and I also know I like to fight, it's what I do for fun after all... Not that my martial art is about fighting, it just happens to be a coincidence! SO anyway, I just stay silent and look at whoever is addressing me. I was at a formal dance with my girlfriend, some guy came up and was really revved up already, screaming really racist things. This guy just showed up out of nowhere, I was talking about basketball with someone else at the bar, everyone in the room is white. Still I'm not okay with his behavior. He walks up to the bar and grabs one of his hands around my throat.
For the people who already know this (which I hope is most of you) but for the newer guys out there, when anyone attempts to choke you directly, it is an attack out of anger, and it's a Really stupid attack.
At this point I stop myself from reacting, I am not in an appropriate place to beat the tar out of this guy, even though I can, and he's just given me the greatest opening I could ever ask for.
So I sit on my bar stool with his hand around my throat (he isn't squeezing, just has his hand placed there) and I sit and look at him in the eye while he yells N***** in my face. Eventually he runs out of breath, and then walks away, and that was the end of it.
This was incredibly hard for me to do, but I am proud of myself for being able to control my actions!
For the people who already know this (which I hope is most of you) but for the newer guys out there, when anyone attempts to choke you directly, it is an attack out of anger, and it's a Really stupid attack.
At this point I stop myself from reacting, I am not in an appropriate place to beat the tar out of this guy, even though I can, and he's just given me the greatest opening I could ever ask for.
So I sit on my bar stool with his hand around my throat (he isn't squeezing, just has his hand placed there) and I sit and look at him in the eye while he yells N***** in my face. Eventually he runs out of breath, and then walks away, and that was the end of it.
This was incredibly hard for me to do, but I am proud of myself for being able to control my actions!
grumpywolfman
Black Belt
According to psychologists, there are five basic strategies for facing conflict:
1) Avoiding (don't get involved, walk away)
2) Commanding / Competing (make a stand)
3) Accommodating (give them what they want)
4) Compromising (both sides give up something)
5) Collaborating (find a win-win situation that's acceptable to everyone)
[Apply these strategies with the excellent advice that Riffix posted earlier: stay calm, be very polite, and keep your distance.]
1) Avoiding (don't get involved, walk away)
2) Commanding / Competing (make a stand)
3) Accommodating (give them what they want)
4) Compromising (both sides give up something)
5) Collaborating (find a win-win situation that's acceptable to everyone)
[Apply these strategies with the excellent advice that Riffix posted earlier: stay calm, be very polite, and keep your distance.]
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Cyriacus
Senior Master
All the advice previously given is sound advice. Personally, I know I am a smart ***, and I also know I like to fight, it's what I do for fun after all... Not that my martial art is about fighting, it just happens to be a coincidence! SO anyway, I just stay silent and look at whoever is addressing me. I was at a formal dance with my girlfriend, some guy came up and was really revved up already, screaming really racist things. This guy just showed up out of nowhere, I was talking about basketball with someone else at the bar, everyone in the room is white. Still I'm not okay with his behavior. He walks up to the bar and grabs one of his hands around my throat.
For the people who already know this (which I hope is most of you) but for the newer guys out there, when anyone attempts to choke you directly, it is an attack out of anger, and it's a Really stupid attack.
At this point I stop myself from reacting, I am not in an appropriate place to beat the tar out of this guy, even though I can, and he's just given me the greatest opening I could ever ask for.
So I sit on my bar stool with his hand around my throat (he isn't squeezing, just has his hand placed there) and I sit and look at him in the eye while he yells N***** in my face. Eventually he runs out of breath, and then walks away, and that was the end of it.
This was incredibly hard for me to do, but I am proud of myself for being able to control my actions!
Directly choking with one or both hands works, but as far as i know, normally it either requires the other person to be pinned down, or for there to be a nearby solid surface for the choker to beat the chokees head against. Ive also heard of a two handed choke being used as a restraint prior to headbutting.
Aiki Lee
Master of Arts
In my experience if things start to get really heated andthe other guy is screaming, you have to match his tone and volume andimmediately bring it down to calmer level.
Yelling “What do you want?” over and over again andrapidly lowering your tone and volume after meeting the aggressor’s tone andvolume will often cause the other person to get drawn into your softer speech.Asking “What do you want?” over and over again with deviating from it makes aperson answer that question (at least to himself if he doesn’t answer you) andtakes the aggressor’s intention off of you and make him focus inward.
This of course only works if the person is willing to bede-escalated, which most people are I believe.
Yelling “What do you want?” over and over again andrapidly lowering your tone and volume after meeting the aggressor’s tone andvolume will often cause the other person to get drawn into your softer speech.Asking “What do you want?” over and over again with deviating from it makes aperson answer that question (at least to himself if he doesn’t answer you) andtakes the aggressor’s intention off of you and make him focus inward.
This of course only works if the person is willing to bede-escalated, which most people are I believe.
Generally -- you want to match volume, not tone or emotional energy. In other words, you've got a guy ranting and screaming in front of you -- he's not likely to hear "sir, please calm down." But match his volume, without projecting anger of your own at him, and you can bring him down. So you literally yell "Sir, please calm down; let's talk about this" and your next exchange is a notch or two down until you're in the appropriate range. If you match the emotional energy -- all you'll do is feed them.
I've found just the opposite. I've personally found that people tend to be mirrors of each other, and that countering the loud and unreasonable with the calm, serious, and steady has the best chance of bringing a person down from the histrionics.
Aiki Lee
Master of Arts
I misspoke. I confused tone and volume. You are correct.
Aiki Lee
Master of Arts
Only if they can here you though. And if they are very angry at you they may not pay attention to what you say.
Exactly. There's a point where you can absolutely "outcalm" someone, and they'll settle down and speak to you more quietly. It's like chasing a dog... A lot of the time, the best way to catch a dog is to sit still, and let the dog circle into you. Otherwise, you just trigger prey and play drives, and your only hope is to wear 'em out. But... with people, when they pass a point, they can't hear you if you're not up there with them. It's kind of like that old episode of the original Star Trek where the people on one planet had got themselves accelerated to a state that they only seemed to be insects buzzing around... Nobody could communicate until they were at the same speed. When someone is worked up to that point -- you have to have the volume to get through. But -- if you match the energy as well, it's like throwing gasoline on the fire.
(The next step... they're past verbal. You probably won't de-escalate without simply leaving. Every once in a while, you can calm them by simply being calm yourself, but it's rare.)
One other odd de-escalation tactic, in some cases, is just to say something off the wall that just trips the sort-of-rational process going on. Think Pinky in Pinky & The Brain, responding to Brain's "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
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I think the key thing is to stay calm, and not say to much. Let the person say there peace, and apologize if appropriate. Leave ego at the door. If you avoided a confrontation then you won. In most cases fights escalate because both parties are unwilling to back down and/or admit fault. That being said, always be on guard for a sucker punch. Try to keep your hands up in a non-confrontational way. Meaning try to talk with your hands so they are in a position to defend yourself, but doesn't appear like you are ready for a fight.
Chris Parker
Grandmaster
Except that just standing there, letting the aggressor "say their piece", apologizing etc, can have you come across as a "victim", and actually encourage the aggressor towards physical conflict. Then again, sometimes it is the better option. There's just no way to say "this is the way to do it" without far more context... which was my point earlier.
