Last Person #5

[Steve]

Things like that will fester and can kill a relationship. Needs to be discussed.

 

[wingchun100]

The important question is whether it's mean to be a guilt trip, or something else. Prerhaps it is a statement of a need not met (different "love language"), or simply an expression of general frustration that found a temporary target.

My wife is very supportive, but she needs time with me. That's part of why I don't teach more classes. I would happily teach every evening I'm in town and Saturdays, but that doesn't fit her needs right now. If I ignore her needs in some areas, she sometimes expresses that by asking if I can cancel some classes. Instead, I go looking for the unmet need.

That is where I think the problem is: the language used comes off like passive aggressive guilt tripping. Then again maybe that's how I'm hearing it. I just think that the way things are phrased is important, as well as tone of voice and body language of course.

 

[wingchun100]

Things like that will fester and can kill a relationship. Needs to be discussed.

Right, and they need to be discussed properly, maturely, calmly.

RIGHT WAY: I know you wanted to check out that class tomorrow, but I was wondering if we could spend some time together.

WRONG WAY: Oh, you're going to go check out that class tomorrow? That's cool. I guess you wouldn't want to spend time with me anyway.

That is not a direct quote, by the way. All I'm saying is, the first way would be received better. In my ears anyway.

 

[Steve]

That is where I think the problem is: the language used comes off like passive aggressive guilt tripping. Then again maybe that's how I'm hearing it. I just think that the way things are phrased is important, as well as tone of voice and body language of course.

Recommend you abd your girlfriend read 5 languages of love book. Quick read and really helofuk related to what gpseymour said

Also recommend you make a conscious choice to include yourself in this equation. So far she's doing things to yiu. What are you doing or not doing? That's what you can easily change.

 

[wingchun100]

Recommend you abd your girlfriend read 5 languages of love book. Quick read and really helofuk related to what gpseymour said

Also recommend you make a conscious choice to include yourself in this equation. So far she's doing things to yiu. What are you doing or not doing? That's what you can easily change.

I have that book, and it is next on my list to be read.

As for what I am doing, I already DID make that conscious choice to include myself. I was supposed to be working my part-time job, and the hours got cancelled. Instead of going to her and saying "want to watch a movie when I come home" or something, my mind went to this JKD class I've been wanting to check out. I never said I wasn't part of the problem. However, MY need is that issues get expressed in a less abrasive way than they were.

And if you read my previous post and think that wasn't abrasive, remember that I said that was just an example, not a direct quote.

 

[Gerry Seymour]

That is where I think the problem is: the language used comes off like passive aggressive guilt tripping. Then again maybe that's how I'm hearing it. I just think that the way things are phrased is important, as well as tone of voice and body language of course.

My experience is that some people don't express their needs until the unmet ones pile up and cause frustration. What seems passive-aggressive may be an expression of unmet needs she hasn't defined well for herself.

 

[wingchun100]

My experience is that some people don't express their needs until the unmet ones pile up and cause frustration. What seems passive-aggressive may be an expression of unmet needs she hasn't defined well for herself.

Then I think the issue becomes expressing the need before that happens...because when it comes out as an attack, people are more likely to be preoccupied with defending themselves rather than addressing the need.

 

[Steve]

I have that book, and it is next on my list to be read.

As for what I am doing, I already DID make that conscious choice to include myself. I was supposed to be working my part-time job, and the hours got cancelled. Instead of going to her and saying "want to watch a movie when I come home" or something, my mind went to this JKD class I've been wanting to check out. I never said I wasn't part of the problem. However, MY need is that issues get expressed in a less abrasive way than they were.

And if you read my previous post and think that wasn't abrasive, remember that I said that was just an example, not a direct quote.

For it to help, you guys should both read it and then talk about it. If you just read it yourself and start telling her all about it, she won't get the full picture, and I expect it will seem preachy and finger-waggy to her.

Something else to consider is that maybe the passive-aggressive guilt thing is a symptom that will disappear if you figure out what you're not doing and fix it.

Main point here is that I suggest you work on fixing yourself before you try to fix her. Address what behaviors you can and see where that goes.

 

[wingchun100]

On an unrelated note, I really need to download Taptalk on this new phone and adjust some settings. I am sick of getting emails that people I have put on "Ignore" quoted me, and then I get to see their infuriating message. I mean, I put them on "ignore" to NOT SEE WHAT THEY SAY!!!

Easy fix though.

 

[Gerry Seymour]

Right, and they need to be discussed properly, maturely, calmly.

RIGHT WAY: I know you wanted to check out that class tomorrow, but I was wondering if we could spend some time together.

WRONG WAY: Oh, you're going to go check out that class tomorrow? That's cool. I guess you wouldn't want to spend time with me anyway.

That is not a direct quote, by the way. All I'm saying is, the first way would be received better. In my ears anyway.

The second way is probably how it sounds through your filter. Always be aware that your filter is likely very different from hers, so even if she thinks she is being (and perhaps actually is being) clear and direct about the need, you may hear it quite differently. A colleague of mine once suggested an approach that often helps me: when something sounds really wrong, ask yourself, "If I assume her best intentions, what might she have meant for me to hear?" The idea is that it may be a translation error. When I remember to ask that (even in business situations), it becomes much easier to let go of my initial knee-jerk reaction. If you got a text from a loved colleague in another country, and the text had insulting language, you might rightly wonder if the apparent insult wasn't just a bad translation from their primary language.

 

[wingchun100]

Latest breaking news: we were all called over to the common area because someone brought in bagels and drinks to celebrate a coworker's promotion. After I was done spreading cream cheese on my bagel, I tossed the plastic knife at the garbage can and missed. I leaned over to pick it up, and on my way up hit my head on a metal shelf. It felt so bad that I swore it drew blood, but I ran my fingers through my scalp and got nothing. Still, it hurt like hell.

 

[Steve]

On an unrelated note, I really need to download Taptalk on this new phone and adjust some settings. I am sick of getting emails that people I have put on "Ignore" quoted me, and then I get to see their infuriating message. I mean, I put them on "ignore" to NOT SEE WHAT THEY SAY!!!

Easy fix though.

 

[Steve]

Latest breaking news: we were all called over to the common area because someone brought in bagels and drinks to celebrate a coworker's promotion. After I was done spreading cream cheese on my bagel, I tossed the plastic knife at the garbage can and missed. I leaned over to pick it up, and on my way up hit my head on a metal shelf. It felt so bad that I swore it drew blood, but I ran my fingers through my scalp and got nothing. Still, it hurt like hell.

Did you ever hear back on that job you put in for?

 

[wingchun100]

Yep, and I will gladly take them over third world problems any day.

 

[wingchun100]

Did you ever hear back on that job you put in for?

Oh, yeah...I thought I mentioned it here.

I got it. My salary will jump by about $10,000 per year. No more need for that part-time job, although I will still keep doing freelance writing work because I love to write. I got into writing at least 7-8 years before I became obsessed with martial arts.

 

[Xue Sheng]

Oh, yeah...I thought I mentioned it here.

I got it. My salary will jump by about $10,000 per year. No more need for that part-time job, although I will still keep doing freelance writing work because I love to write. I got into writing at least 7-8 years before I became obsessed with martial arts.

Congratulations

 

[wingchun100]

Congratulations

Thanks!

 

[Steve]

Oh, yeah...I thought I mentioned it here.

I got it. My salary will jump by about $10,000 per year. No more need for that part-time job, although I will still keep doing freelance writing work because I love to write. I got into writing at least 7-8 years before I became obsessed with martial arts.

Good on ya. Congratulations.

 

[wingchun100]

Ugh, I might have to head down to the nurse. Feeling dizzy and drowsy from that interaction with that metal shelf!

 

[Steve]

Ugh, I might have to head down to the nurse. Feeling dizzy and drowsy from that interaction with that metal shelf!

Not good.