“I'm behind in where I should be with regard to my skills and "flow" of techniques”
I disagree with this. In my opinion you are exactly where you should be. It is ego and pride that tells a person that they should be better than they are or that they should have mastered technique-A an hour after they have first seen it. Learning how to accept honestly where we are at in terms of physical skills or mental strengths is the beginning of wisdom in my opinion. Once we honestly accept our condition then we can give ourselves permission to address the issues. Otherwise there comes excuse after excuse for ‘failure and perceived weaknesses” rather than the honest evaluation of our ‘work and sweat’.
“Well, the result of all this is that I embarassed myself on last week's pretest.”
Sounds like it, but I do not know if you should be so hard on yourself or not. You showed up bowed in and did the best you could at that very moment. You showed some weaknesses but I am betting that if you could look past your perceived shame you might see some strengths shown as well. People are often too hard on themselves, seeking perfection and only looking at weaknesses and mistakes, all too willing to magnify those errors while belittling those things that they did well.
It might be tempting to use this ‘embarrassment’ as a motivational tool, a prod in your eye to get back into some kind of training routine. Sometimes that works, taking a negative event and turning it into a positive force.
“The portion of the pretest that involved techniques and drills was bad enough, but then I did the unthinkable--I actually cried at the end of the sparring section. It was so unexpected, all the jumble of emotions that came up, I'm not sure I can explain it except that in the last several seconds I snapped and it seemed from my POV that I got out of control and flailed about. Then when the buzzer sounded the waterworks started and I had to take 10 minutes to step outside and pull myself together. I was not physically hurt, but I scared myself and then felt so ashamed.”
Emotions are God given and nothing to be ashamed about in my opinion. Letting them take control of our actions can have consequences. Dan Millman said that emotions are like weather patterns. We canÂ’t stop them but we can become aware of them and once aware we can prepare for them. See the snow clouds coming bring along gloves and a jacket...
Learning how to recognize different internal states is strength that needs to be trained. It is not easy training but worth it in my opinion. Learning to recognize our internal state as it is changing is also a valuable skill. Think of an avalanche for a moment. Tons of rocks and trees sliding down wiping out everything in its path. How would you stop that? Very difficult I would think. But now if we could see that very first trickle of dislodged sand, that first tiny pebble as it nears falling. If we could stop that first rock we could stop the avalanche much easier. Breathing is a tool that can be used to stabilize that first pebble.or if that pebble was overlooked breathing can help us lesson the ‘damage’ of the avalanche and help us deal with the aftermath of the avalanche. Emotions can change our bodies chemistry and proper breathing helps us deal with those chemical changes. Physical movement and exercise can help to deal with the chemical changes emotions can wrought in our bodies. FYI another way our body releases and cleanses those chemicals is by crying. Crying releases emotions and is natural and nothing to be ashamed of. Working with soldiers and action professionals a person will see unashamed tears now and then, one of my teachers says that tears cleanse the soul and I agree.
"Sucking and crying; that's not what MA are all about and not what I'm all about."
Part of martial training is showing us our strengths and weaknesses and part of good training allows us to explore healthy ways of dealing with our ‘sucking’.
Different therapists and psychologists have told me that they often consider the client as having a breakthrough if they leave in tears. It might be but I think it is healthier to rebuild after the tears. It might be a little late now, but I would recommend that you look back on the nights training, not through the embarrassed and ashamed eyes you left with, but with the eyes of a honest student learning about themselves. It sounds like it was a very emotional night, one that was showing you some weaknesses, tearing down some walls and denting your pride. Did the nights training show you a single strength? Did the nights training offer you any insights into what makes you tick? You said that it took ten minutes to recompose yourself. After a night of emotions, sparring and losing it a bit, crying in front of your teachers and peers and you were shamed and yet you were able to pull yourself together in only ten minutes...that is a victory. You were able to spar until the buzzer, even under an emotional strain...victory. You are able to honestly write about the night...victory
After that nights work, do you think that in the future you might be more empathetic to others that might be working under an emotional strain? Have you gained an insight that you are not empowered with super abilities yet were able to keep fighting even while being human. There are lots of lessons that you could be learning and making your own from that nights training, perhaps lessons that will stand you in good stead in life, not just the gaining of a new colored belt.
"Not sure how to get past this"
Learn the lessons needed to be learned then sit back and have a real good belly laugh at yourself. Find the humor in it. Life can be serious and tragic...a few tears and not performing some technique up to your standards...not so tragic in my opinion. Tomorrow is thanksgiving, what do you have to be thankful for? Focus on that, for the day, then laugh at yourself for a week and then forgive yourself and move on would be my suggestions.
Regards
Brian King
