So, I am 39, single (Divorced), no kids, and over weight, ....

[arnisador]

there has to be something wrong with you. You must have some sort of "weirdo" gene or something.

Wow, it's like she knows him!

My wife thought Mr. Parsons was a nice guy and an interesting conversationalist, but she's married, so no luck there. As to looking scary, I've seen him looking scary and also seen him looking like a teddy bear. He's flexible. He doesn't really come across as overweight in person, just linebacker-y. Bottom line, I suspect it's a case of "always the best friend/big brother, never the boyfriend" for Mr. Parsons. He's too much of a nice guy, helpful person, and good listener for his own good.

I think we all know what it's like to not be part of a couple in a society that expects people to pair up. Everything is geared toward pairs. Who wants to dine alone in a restaurant? It's a social faux pas. Of course, when you're a couple you'll next start being pressed to have children. There's no winning.

Is there a root cause to this, in our biology?

Well, not if you're a creationist...but otherwise, it's evolution in action. It benefits your parents' genes to have you reproducing (thinking along the lines of Dawkins). People are not only apt to pair up but are wired to encourage their progeny to do the same, leading to a general pressure toward this. If you're not reproducing, you're not propagating your genes...leading to the suspicion that there's a reason! Of course, the trouble is that while getting married just to be able to have kids makes evolutionary sense, humans are social creatures and it doesn't make social sense.

You could always adopt? It worked for Angelina Jolie.

 

[shesulsa]

You could always adopt? It worked for Angelina Jolie.

So did screwing Brad Pitt ... uhh ... but I wouldn't recommend that for Rich. :lol2:

 

[terryl965]

Rich, remember you are a valuable assit to evryone involved in your life, those nieces and nephew along with your friends childern are lucky to have a man that will take the time to be with them. Not being Married all I can say you are still a lucky man, the devorce part I understand went through it once and that is all anybody should have to do is once.

You are not damage goods because of a divorce, 1 out of three have a divorce on there record so you are in the right group as far as I'm concern.
Just keep doing what your doing and one day everything will come together if you want it to be.
Terry

 

[Carol]

Must be that same disease that inflicts me as well.

I'm 37, single (divorced). I never had children. I have a good career. I'm not overweight, and am reasonably attractive and friendly.

I don't know what the heck it is. The idea of "damaged goods"...I don't really buy in to that. My divorce was as smooth and issueless as such a thing could be.

There is a lot going on in my life that is really good. I have a great job doing what I love. My training captivates me, even though I'm still in the "clumsy beginner" stage. I'm not happy that I am alone...but I don't thing this is enough to make me seem like Ms. Gloom-and-Doom when I meet someone new.

:idunno:

 

[Cryozombie]

Freedom? Are we really experiencing it? Hell No.. Wear this and attract that, If you don't own this, you're not worthy of attention. Make Money and be Powerful.. tis totally ludicrous- yet we are gluttons for it.

I knew there was a reason I made this:

A friend of mine introduced me to this girl one night, and we talked a little and she excused herself and went about her buisness... Later she told my friend that I don't wear enough abercrombie for her to date me.

So IMO there is a great deal of truth in what you say, Tess.

 

[Flatlander]

A friend of mine introduced me to this girl one night, and we talked a little and she excused herself and went about her buisness... Later she told my friend that I don't wear enough abercrombie for her to date me.

You don't wear enough abercrombie to date me either....

 

[shesulsa]

You don't wear enough abercrombie to date me either....

Am I the only one who thinks Abercrombie for financial analyst geeks ? :ultracool

How much are ya lovin' me now, Dan, eh? EH? *chortle, chortle, chortle*

 

[Kacey]

I'm 39, divorced, no kids, and overweight... I guess we're twins! Except for that gender thing, that is.

The thing is, I am happy - I have plenty of friends, I'm in graduate school, I teach TKD 2 nights a week, I have a very cuddly dog - I'm not sure I have time for anything else. Would I like to meet someone I could have a committed relationship with? Certainly! But I'm not going to perseverate on it.

As far as the 'damaged goods' concern... well... at this point, I am more concerned about men who haven't been married, or at least in a long-term, committed relationship - because that's what I'm looking for, and if he hasn't managed some kind of commitment by now, then it's not likely to happen. Divorce is proof that someone at least tried to commit (as long as it's not one of those 3-day celebrity marriages) - a man in his late 30s or older who has never been in a committed relationship is much more concerning to me than one who has been in a committed relationship that didn't work out.

You need to decide what you want, and what you're willing to do to get it.

Good luck to you!

 

[FearlessFreep]

Because if you don't have a wife, 2.3 childrens and 1.4 pets you are somehow weird and broken.

Is that a ratio? I have 6 kids and 4 pets but only 1 wife...hmmm...something missing... : )

 

[Rich Parsons]

Here is the double edged sword.

If you are a divorced guy, you are "damaged goods"... you must have done SOMTHING to be divoirced.

IF you consider a Divorced woman (especially with a kid) as someone you wouldnt wanna date, you are a closed minded *******.

Or at least thats the basics of how its been explained to me... and, (uh oh, Im revealing secret personal info here) I've browsed enough dating websites to catch onto that same vibe, so I'll buy the truth in it.

GRANTED... its a generalization, and not EVERY woman feels that way... but... its what's been explained to me, and Lisa there confirmed it upthread...



I was dating what I will consider prolly to my dying day one of the great loves of my life... and one of the main reasons we are not together is because her parents hated me... amongst the reasons, the fact I am divorced was pretty high up there.

I have some friends who are divorced with kids. They seem much easier to find women in general. Why is this? They find Women with kids.

I can find women with kids as well, but many consider me "Not to know what is going on with kids, because I have never had any of my own."


Then I also get those that bat their eyes, and say wow you make lots of money and have good benefits. This is nice, for people to consider, but please at least know my first name before you make such a comment.

 

[Rich Parsons]

No matter who you are there will always be someone whose expectation that you don't meet. And that's ok! don't sweat it! :0)

While I agree with this. I just have to ask the question, when more then half the people I know give the same reaction or answers.

I am not one who gives in to peer pressure, and always enjoyed being different, so I ask to make sure I am not being just difficult.

 

[Rich Parsons]

Truthfully I think you are only damaged goods if you start to feel that way or let your previous marriage and divorce affect how you do things with the next woman or man.

There is nothing wrong with being single and happy after all that is what life is all about! : )

It is to bad that our society however views people not married in a slightly negative way or in need of fixing as Rich pointed out. I do think this goes almost across the board around the world in different cultures. There is a heavy emphasis on being married and having children and maintaining your line and so on in all cultures.

Bottom line, enjoy life and enjoy the way you want to live your life. You only go around once! (or so they say)

Brian R. VanCise
www.instinctiveresponsetraining.com

Well I have tried not to make the same mistakes, and the issues I have problems with, I have tried to recognize and deal with up front.

 

[Rich Parsons]

You mean to say Rich.. I didn't Break you with this?



Seriously, People (in general populace of the civilized world) and I say that with bitten tongue, as I don't really think we're all that civilized- personify the man - Head of house- Father figure- Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.. tis all BS granted, and the only way it's going to change -is if each individual accepts themselves as they are.. and to hell with what people think..

Good heavens, you're not broken, there's nothing wrong with you, except you're maybe listening to nonsense spewed by well-meaning, but ignorant people..

You're a good man Rich and I'm proud to know you, oh yeah, You too Techno ~!!

~Tess

Tess, no not broken, I was weaing my cup that day

I do not think I am broken, I am just asking why so many people my age and older all look at me wierd like for being happy alone. For not having a women, and working on kids. I would like them, but with the right person.

Thanks

 

[Rich Parsons]

What she said, Rich. Umm... I am happily married but I can say, ya don't look too bad and I hope my earlier comments didn't discourage you. Any woman with half a brain would NOT make that assumption about anyone until they got to know them.

No I did not take anything you or others have said badly or wrong.

Thanks for the input.

 

[Rich Parsons]

Rich,
I was divorced in my middle 30’s and it has been 10 years. It was hard and I had to learn many new things but keep your chin up. It is not that women do not like “damaged goods”. The real problem is that you might, at this point, believe you are damaged goods. That is what women might perceive. You have to do things now that are positive and work on yourself. Fitness is definitely a great thing to do. It helps you feel better and look better. New hobbies can also spark you as well. I picked up a guitar during that time and now I will never go back. I used music as a positive bridge to improving myself. It is hard but you can do it. What you do not want is to cling onto anyone at this stage or you might end up in the same boat. Stay strong, do positive things and improve yourself. You are going to make it.

ron

I am not broken, I am just really curious as to why our culture thinks that people like me are broken or wrong.

I am happy, and still looking but not crying for not having without.

 

[Rich Parsons]

I went back and reread my earlier post and it sounds almost unconcerned with your question, Rich, though there is likely some truth to it.

The sentiments I've read so far, I pretty much agree with. You're not currently fitting into the "social norm" for someone your age group and so what? Have you spent much time around those people lately? Guess what? Not many of us are happy.

The kids thing - well, it's not too late to have some if you want them, there is also adoption, but there are A LOT of children out there who have no one to love them or who REALLY need a big brother type figure. (or an uncle)

Rich you look good - you write sometimes that you look scary - not to me ... anyone else????

Hey, Rich - if you're happy and you can see where you're going and be at peace ... you are on the right track. What other people think just doesn't matter.

Georgia,

I have women scream from freight when they did not know I was there. I have had little girls start to cry when I smile and say hi to them.

Yet I would have to say not all, and that is mostly just me having fun, as I do not think I look great.

For Big Brothers, in my local area, I do not pass the background check. Safety for the children is number one, so for me to get involved, they do nto allow males who are not married. This is for the county I live in. I have not checked others.

As to adoption I have not looked into it as I felt it would be even more difficult as I could not be a big brother.

But I do adopt my friends kids, and buy them stuff for b-days and holidays, and take them out for dinners or ice cream. So I am good there for now.

 

[still learning]

Hello, Life is what you want to make it? It is all about having positive mind and attitude.

My Instructor told me when he was in College he went on a mission to a third world country. When you live among them...and come back to America, you see how wonderful our country is!

Clean running water, places to get food,toilets and toilet paper. Police and fire departments,hospitals, good doctors and medical help. Laws that work. Jobs. and so on...life here is 1000 times better!

Be glad of what you have, except the losses...move on and up in your life...thinking of the past...will bring sadness....look to the future and see yourself in a better life.

Many people tell me they wish they married their second wife first! LIfe can be better than the old? .........take care and simile....think positive!!!!. ..............Aloha

 

[Rich Parsons]

First let me vent for a second. I really hate dial up AOL. It is the only thing I can get access to right now and it keeps dropping me. The piece of crap.

The laptop works just fine, at my parents place back in Michigan with Comcast cable so I know it is not the system.

Second attempt at a long reply back.

I have to say that this one of the most interesting threads I've seen in the Study for a long time. Major props, Rich, for sharing something so personal!

I was hoping it would take the turn on to our society and not just what is about me.

I guess we are like black and white. I'm married (only once and I found the right one). I have two kids. I have two pets. I own my own house. I have a career. I'm in good shape. I am happy...well most of the time, but anyone who says they are happy all of the time is lying...

I have all the same things but a wife and kids, and I am very happy, most days, and the other days are usually understandable. i.e. people in hospitals, people loosing jobs, etcetera.

I never sought this life. In fact, this is pretty far from what I imagined for myself in High School. All I can say is that I just followed my heart and this is how things ended up. Is all of this better then being 39, single (divorced), with no kids, and overweight? I don't know? I do know that all we can do is make the best with what we've got...and that is all I've ever tried to do.

I never sought my own either other than to go out and go to college which has lead to certain things as well.

I brought up the over wieght item to let you know I am not perfect, and do not expect others to be either, but that I also am always trying to improve.

With that being said, one thing I have to question is this...

"So, I am 39, single (Divorced), no kids, over weight, and happy."

Are you? My intuition is really looking at the subsequent statements and wondering. I get the impression that you are seeking something else.

I am happy. I am so happy, it is really scary to me. I have problems with some people relationships and how bad it is or how both are nto really happy. I am not able to stay like that anymore, so I move on.

I am always seeking to learn more and grow more.

I'm not trying to come off as a jerk, but I am being pointed. Often I think that people are really dishonest with themselves. Myself included. This is why we need to struggle for the truth within us...and that is one of the most important fights that any of us will ever fight.

See previous post about checking to make sure I am not just being different to be different.

My point is this...people are incredibly sensitive creatures. We observe things all of the time that we do not register. I get gut feelings all of the time that turn me on or off to certain people and there is good evidence that shows that those feelings are based in reality. For instance, sometimes we just know that certain people are fake, covetous, unhappy, and/or whatever. I think the only way that we can discover if we are giving off these vibes is to examine ourselves carefully and be honest.

I have learned from my experiences, marriage being only one of them. I try not to repeat my mistakes.

I have seen some women not very happy early on into a first date. I aske them about it, and they seemed like it was a relief to them to be able to talk about how it is not good, and that they did nto want to hurt my feelings. I smile, and tell them that just because I am not right for them does not mean I am wrong or a bad person. Just that I am not right for them. I have even gotten a friendship out of one of these.

If you looked at your life and admitted that it isn't everything that you want, how would you go about changing it?

I would possible change my job based upon recent corporate changes. But this is not immediate and I would have to weigh all factors. I am also looking into having the current company pay for a MS degree that is not 100% related to work, it is only about 20% at best, compared to some others. Yet it would be for me.

I have been looking but not actively seeking women. If it happens, cool if not there is always next week.

 

[Rich Parsons]

Methinks with the world as it is, the commercials blasted at us on all the media is pure Rubbish. We are not allowed to be ourselves~! We are not supposed to age- period. I'm so sick of it- I feel awful for the coming up generations...

Freedom? Are we really experiencing it? Hell No.. Wear this and attract that, If you don't own this, you're not worthy of attention. Make Money and be Powerful.. tis totally ludicrous- yet we are gluttons for it.

We are born Alone- We die Alone- The Only One that can Cure the Problem is Ourselves.. Keep Yourself Happy- - No Other is responsible.
Accept You for You... and Do what makes Rich Smile..

Tess, I agree. This is why I asked the question about society. And on most days I do what makes me smile. Sommetimes toys are involved that cost money, other times it is travel and or training, or helping out friends or family.

Thanks

 

[Rich Parsons]

Wow, it's like she knows him!

See you can get to know someone over the internet

My wife thought Mr. Parsons was a nice guy and an interesting conversationalist, but she's married, so no luck there. As to looking scary, I've seen him looking scary and also seen him looking like a teddy bear. He's flexible. He doesn't really come across as overweight in person, just linebacker-y. Bottom line, I suspect it's a case of "always the best friend/big brother, never the boyfriend" for Mr. Parsons. He's too much of a nice guy, helpful person, and good listener for his own good.

All true, but not sure if I would change, as I enjoy it most of the time.

I think we all know what it's like to not be part of a couple in a society that expects people to pair up. Everything is geared toward pairs. Who wants to dine alone in a restaurant? It's a social faux pas. Of course, when you're a couple you'll next start being pressed to have children. There's no winning.

I was traveling alone recently and in Friendly Canada, and even there people would be surprised when I would say Table for one.

It is a stigma in our culture to eat alone, which is why I think fast food is so popular, for people can eat in their cars, or take it back home.

Well, not if you're a creationist...but otherwise, it's evolution in action. It benefits your parents' genes to have you reproducing (thinking along the lines of Dawkins). People are not only apt to pair up but are wired to encourage their progeny to do the same, leading to a general pressure toward this. If you're not reproducing, you're not propagating your genes...leading to the suspicion that there's a reason! Of course, the trouble is that while getting married just to be able to have kids makes evolutionary sense, humans are social creatures and it doesn't make social sense.

I agree, if our culture and level of Civilization was at a point where the villiage or tribe would not survive without me producing young with someone, I believe it would have happened already. Yet, I might have also been the lone medicine man with no family.

I understand the genetic drive to reproduce arguement, I also agree that we are social creatures and also to a population level where it not a requirement.

You could always adopt? It worked for Angelina Jolie.

Can anyone name a single male who adopted a child? Curious it is always women who are able to this.