So, I am 39, single (Divorced), no kids, and over weight, ....

[Rich Parsons]

So, I am 39, single (Divorced), no kids, over weight, and happy.

What is wrong with the above?

I have good cholesterol. (* Actually on meds to raise it *)

I am trying to loose more weight and maintain my percent body fat to below 23% and get it below 20%.

I train in martial arts, and, work in a career.


Yes, I was married, it did not work, and yes there is baggage or scars, but I think I am over most of it. (* Twitch *)

I do miss not having children, and spoil my nieces, and nephews, and my friends kids, that also call me Uncle.

So, why do people, seem to think something is broken with me, that must be fixed?

Why must I have a wife and kids to have anything? Yes they would have been great. I had a misstep and took cautions to not repeat, and just not found the right one yet.


Just curious as to why the Amercian Society in general (* others can chime in with their societies point of view, as I would like to hear it as well *), thinks that something is wrong, and poor me?

Is there a root cause to this, in our biology? Am I really broken and need to be fixed?

Is there something our society, trains its members without thinking about it? Did I miss that lesson?

Thank you for your replies.

 

[Bob Hubbard]

Because if you don't have a wife, 2.3 childrens and 1.4 pets you are somehow weird and broken. They would be more understanding of you if you could simply dye your hair plaid and stick a spike through your head.

 

[Lisa]

Because at that age, if you aren't taken by now there has to be something wrong with you. You must have some sort of "weirdo" gene or something. And being divorced doesn't help, one woman didn't want you, so it plays against you. Sad, but true

 

[beau_safken]

If you dont have that many things and people around than you cant consume enough to meet the creditors dream for your money.

It's only weird to those that are too blind to see the obvious.

 

[Cryozombie]

Im in the same boat man. Only younger.

And its true, women dont want divorced men, we are damaged goods.
​

 

[Flatlander]

Is there a root cause to this, in our biology? Am I really broken and need to be fixed?

Here's my take: I'd say that people simply assume that you must want a woman. Not only that, but they see and know that you're a good dude, and they want it for you too - so they sympathize. In that respect, they behave in a way that makes it obvious to you that they "wish it wasn't the case" that you're single.

And once they have themselves off in the wrong direction, they take your projection of happiness and see it as false bravado. So, as a result, you end up feeling peculiar, because nobody seems to get it.

That's my guess.

And its true, women dont want divorced men, we are damaged goods.
​

Seriously? That's kind of brutal. Do you see divorced women as damaged goods with respect to whether or not you'd pursue them?

 

[Cryozombie]

Seriously? That's kind of brutal. Do you see divorced women as damaged goods with respect to whether or not you'd pursue them?

Here is the double edged sword.

If you are a divorced guy, you are "damaged goods"... you must have done SOMTHING to be divoirced.

IF you consider a Divorced woman (especially with a kid) as someone you wouldnt wanna date, you are a closed minded *******.

Or at least thats the basics of how its been explained to me... and, (uh oh, Im revealing secret personal info here) I've browsed enough dating websites to catch onto that same vibe, so I'll buy the truth in it.

GRANTED... its a generalization, and not EVERY woman feels that way... but... its what's been explained to me, and Lisa there confirmed it upthread...

And being divorced doesn't help, one woman didn't want you, so it plays against you. Sad, but true

I was dating what I will consider prolly to my dying day one of the great loves of my life... and one of the main reasons we are not together is because her parents hated me... amongst the reasons, the fact I am divorced was pretty high up there.

 

[Lisa]

Here is the double edged sword.

If you are a divorced guy, you are "damaged goods"... you must have done SOMTHING to be divoirced.

IF you consider a Divorced woman (especially with a kid) as someone you wouldnt wanna date, you are a closed minded *******.

Or at least thats the basics of how its been explained to me... and, (uh oh, Im revealing secret personal info here) I've browsed enough dating websites to catch onto that same vibe, so I'll buy the truth in it.

GRANTED... its a generalization, and not EVERY woman feels that way... but... its what's been explained to me, and Lisa there confirmed it upthread...

Yes, it is a generalization. I know a few really great guys that are divorced. Some that I have been friends with longer then I have been with my husband. I PERSONALLY wouldn't consider a divorced guy damaged goods, but I know they feel that women consider them to be that. It is really sad. My one good friend just fell in love with the wrong woman, who quickly fell out of love with him and they are divorced. He is one of the most awesome men I know. The divorced was by no means his fault but yet women treat him like his is plagued.

 

[shesulsa]

Rich, I think that maybe people probably think you're such a great guy that you should be attached to some lucky girl ... because there's a lot of attached jerks ... and it would be so nice if one of the girls attached to those jerks could be attached to you .... :ladysman:

*been taking lessons from Dan - ask him about it*

 

[Tarot]

As a woman, I personally would never consider a divorced guy damaged goods. And I *really* hate when people just assume things about someone before getting to know them. I can totally understand where you are coming from. I'm married but do not want kids. Ever. I have taken steps to ensure this decision. Because I'm a woman people assume I want to coo and fawn all over babies and when I don't then, (GASP!) there must be something wrong with me. :shrug:

 

[stickarts]

No matter who you are there will always be someone whose expectation that you don't meet. And that's ok! don't sweat it! :0)

 

[Brian R. VanCise]

Truthfully I think you are only damaged goods if you start to feel that way or let your previous marriage and divorce affect how you do things with the next woman or man.

There is nothing wrong with being single and happy after all that is what life is all about! : )

It is to bad that our society however views people not married in a slightly negative way or in need of fixing as Rich pointed out. I do think this goes almost across the board around the world in different cultures. There is a heavy emphasis on being married and having children and maintaining your line and so on in all cultures.

Bottom line, enjoy life and enjoy the way you want to live your life. You only go around once! (or so they say)

Brian R. VanCise
www.instinctiveresponsetraining.com

 

[KenpoTess]

You mean to say Rich.. I didn't Break you with this?



Seriously, People (in general populace of the civilized world) and I say that with bitten tongue, as I don't really think we're all that civilized- personify the man - Head of house- Father figure- Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.. tis all BS granted, and the only way it's going to change -is if each individual accepts themselves as they are.. and to hell with what people think..

Good heavens, you're not broken, there's nothing wrong with you, except you're maybe listening to nonsense spewed by well-meaning, but ignorant people..

You're a good man Rich and I'm proud to know you, oh yeah, You too Techno ~!!

~Tess

 

[Lisa]

You mean to say Rich.. I didn't Break you with this?



Seriously, People (in general populace of the civilized world) and I say that with bitten tongue, as I don't really think we're all that civilized- personify the man - Head of house- Father figure- Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.. tis all BS granted, and the only way it's going to change -is if each individual accepts themselves as they are.. and to hell with what people think..

Good heavens, you're not broken, there's nothing wrong with you, except you're maybe listening to nonsense spewed by well-meaning, but ignorant people..

You're a good man Rich and I'm proud to know you, oh yeah, You too Techno ~!!

~Tess

What she said, Rich. Umm... I am happily married but I can say, ya don't look too bad and I hope my earlier comments didn't discourage you. Any woman with half a brain would NOT make that assumption about anyone until they got to know them.

 

[MSUTKD]

Rich,
I was divorced in my middle 30’s and it has been 10 years. It was hard and I had to learn many new things but keep your chin up. It is not that women do not like “damaged goods”. The real problem is that you might, at this point, believe you are damaged goods. That is what women might perceive. You have to do things now that are positive and work on yourself. Fitness is definitely a great thing to do. It helps you feel better and look better. New hobbies can also spark you as well. I picked up a guitar during that time and now I will never go back. I used music as a positive bridge to improving myself. It is hard but you can do it. What you do not want is to cling onto anyone at this stage or you might end up in the same boat. Stay strong, do positive things and improve yourself. You are going to make it.

ron

 

[Kreth]

Or at least thats the basics of how its been explained to me... and, (uh oh, Im revealing secret personal info here) I've browsed enough dating websites to catch onto that same vibe, so I'll buy the truth in it.

Just to clarify: ratemycameltoe.com does not really qualify as a "dating" site...

 

[Makalakumu]

I have to say that this one of the most interesting threads I've seen in the Study for a long time. Major props, Rich, for sharing something so personal!

I guess we are like black and white. I'm married (only once and I found the right one). I have two kids. I have two pets. I own my own house. I have a career. I'm in good shape. I am happy...well most of the time, but anyone who says they are happy all of the time is lying...

I never sought this life. In fact, this is pretty far from what I imagined for myself in High School. All I can say is that I just followed my heart and this is how things ended up. Is all of this better then being 39, single (divorced), with no kids, and overweight? I don't know? I do know that all we can do is make the best with what we've got...and that is all I've ever tried to do.

With that being said, one thing I have to question is this...

"So, I am 39, single (Divorced), no kids, over weight, and happy."

Are you? My intuition is really looking at the subsequent statements and wondering. I get the impression that you are seeking something else.

I'm not trying to come off as a jerk, but I am being pointed. Often I think that people are really dishonest with themselves. Myself included. This is why we need to struggle for the truth within us...and that is one of the most important fights that any of us will ever fight.

My point is this...people are incredibly sensitive creatures. We observe things all of the time that we do not register. I get gut feelings all of the time that turn me on or off to certain people and there is good evidence that shows that those feelings are based in reality. For instance, sometimes we just know that certain people are fake, covetous, unhappy, and/or whatever. I think the only way that we can discover if we are giving off these vibes is to examine ourselves carefully and be honest.

If you looked at your life and admitted that it isn't everything that you want, how would you go about changing it?

 

[shesulsa]

I went back and reread my earlier post and it sounds almost unconcerned with your question, Rich, though there is likely some truth to it.

The sentiments I've read so far, I pretty much agree with. You're not currently fitting into the "social norm" for someone your age group and so what? Have you spent much time around those people lately? Guess what? Not many of us are happy.

The kids thing - well, it's not too late to have some if you want them, there is also adoption, but there are A LOT of children out there who have no one to love them or who REALLY need a big brother type figure. (or an uncle)

Rich you look good - you write sometimes that you look scary - not to me ... anyone else????

Hey, Rich - if you're happy and you can see where you're going and be at peace ... you are on the right track. What other people think just doesn't matter.

 

[KenpoTess]

Methinks with the world as it is, the commercials blasted at us on all the media is pure Rubbish. We are not allowed to be ourselves~! We are not supposed to age- period. I'm so sick of it- I feel awful for the coming up generations...

Freedom? Are we really experiencing it? Hell No.. Wear this and attract that, If you don't own this, you're not worthy of attention. Make Money and be Powerful.. tis totally ludicrous- yet we are gluttons for it.

We are born Alone- We die Alone- The Only One that can Cure the Problem is Ourselves.. Keep Yourself Happy- - No Other is responsible.
Accept You for You... and Do what makes Rich Smile..

 

[stickarts]

awesome photo! LOL!

Perception is different with different generations too.
I have a friend who lives with a woman but has no intention of getting married. They are quite happy with this arrangement.
My parents and in-laws can't conceive of such a thing and keep asking if they are going to get married: like something is wrong with them! They don't quite get it that they are happy this way and there is nothing wrong with them!
Many of my friends and also the younger generation don't seem to have an issue about it.
I agree, How you perceive yourself will help with how others perceive you.