I let my temper get the best of me..

[Dao]

If you have bad temper avoid too much spicy foods, caffeine and too much sugar. These will make it easier for you to get angry. If there's an argument just let it go, it is worth fighting over. Remember you're your own worst enemy. To be a great martial artist you have to be able to control your emotions. That is only way for the body and mind to be as one. I can give you an example, this lady rudely banged on my door. She claimed I stole her son's ball. I told her I didn't have it and she is welcomed to check if it's at my place. She started to make personal attacks at me. I said whatever, I told her that kids aren't suppose to play in the hall way and also damage property. She continued to make personal attacks I just said I will be sending a letter to the building manager and she will be forced to move out. Then I went back in my apartment. I could have gotten angry, she did insult me in front of her friends. But it wasn't worth getting angry over. Meditation helps me a lot, maybe you can try meditation it helps you calm your mind.

 

[searcher]

At least nobody was hurt. And you will learn from it.

 

[mozzandherb]

It is normal to get angry, it's a part of our existence, the problem is how to control our aggressivity. But since you mentioned it was not very common for you to do that, then don't worry about it and honestly sometimes we get so angry that even something as great as a martial art cannot save us

 

[Sylo]

Thanks to all who replied.

I think this deserves a deeper explanation without getting too personal.

I sing for a band. I also have a 14 mos. old son, and I am married.

In the past I put the band before my family, not by choice. Its one of those things where you have to make ALOT of sacrifices to make it. I didn't have a job, because I toured constantly and was always gone. I missed alot of important things because of it even before my son was born. I left that life behind, but didn't want to leave music all together. So I made some compromised with my wife and dropped the constant life of touring for something more local/regional.

Much of this is my fault. As, I dropped the ball when it came to our relationship. I spent more time doing other things than I did with her. Things change when you get married (don't let anyone lie and tell you they don't) I realized I enjoyed time to myself and had my own ambitions. Things I didn't have when we were just dating. It was all about HER.. and spending time with HER. She got used to this, and to this day doesn't want to let it go.

Well over the years, the band issue has still been creeping up as to her it still seems that I am putting the band in front of her. We practice once a week, and we have occasional shows. I do martial arts 2-3 times a week amongst other things. So the band is just a small portion of it. However, because of how I drove my relationship into the ground in the past with bands. Its hard for her to deal with even just this simple local band.

Anyway, long story short. She has a tendency to make sly comments to me just as I am about to leave for a show or practice. Usually referring to the fact that she wishes I didn't go because she wants me there to help with my son. She's just not as nice about it as I wish she would be. Well, this particular day I felt bad and kinda didn't want to go to practice anyway. But I didn't tell her til just before time to leave. And, like always she made her sly comment about me going. We had had a wonderful day before with no fighting so I thought maybe there was a chance I would be able to go in peace if I did decide to go..

So, she starts in. I tell her that I am not going. She gets defensive and starts fussing saying that I'm only not going because of her, and that I am going to blame not going on her.. so she told me to go anyway. I told her that it wasn't because of her, I just didn't feel like it. But, she kept on with it trying to force me to go. Eventually she started yelling as I refused to go. Finally I broke down and was gonna just leave.. maybe not go to practice, but was just gonna leave and come back and let her cool off...

Well she kept on, and kept on.. so I just got sick of trying to explain that me not going had nothing to do with her. She just wouldn't get it. She had already made her opinion and nothing I was gonna say was going to change it (she gets this from her mom). So I got ticket, and backfisted the door thinking it was going to make me feel better.. Well didn't intend for there to be glass there.. lol

Anyway, after my wife yelled at me for a good hour. I went to home depot and got some glass and fixed the door. I bought us some food, and luckily through the power of our child. She calmed down, and we talked about it and everything is good now. I don't lose my temper very often... Its just somewhat over the top when I do. I wasn't so much mad at her, but the frustration of not being able to make her understand my point of view.

 

[Hagakure]

I think it's a valid thing to do MA to chanel energy/anger/aggression, I'm not stating that this is the only way/reason to do it, just that it's not a bad idea.

However, I'd also add that it's part and parcel of being human beings. We're fallible. We screw up, in my case, often, but we all do it. A non-MA related one, my daughter is 2, and is my world (helps that she's exceedingly cute like her old man ), yet last Saturday she was squawking at me for what seemed like an age, when I was shattered, feeling down, so I snapped. I didn't hit her, never would, but I did man-handle her downstairs to give her what she wanted, biscuits and SpongeBob Squarepants. I shouted at her, and I was wrong. I apologised to her afterwards, and felt cack for an hour or two afterwards, but now, pfft, it's done.

It's a hard thing to do sometimes, to live in your own skin. It's an even harder thing to do to forgive yourself. Do yourself a favour, don't be so hard on you.

 

[shesulsa]

Thanks to all who replied.

I think this deserves a deeper explanation without getting too personal.

I sing for a band. I also have a 14 mos. old son, and I am married.

In the past I put the band before my family, not by choice. Its one of those things where you have to make ALOT of sacrifices to make it. I didn't have a job, because I toured constantly and was always gone. I missed alot of important things because of it even before my son was born. I left that life behind, but didn't want to leave music all together. So I made some compromised with my wife and dropped the constant life of touring for something more local/regional.

Much of this is my fault. As, I dropped the ball when it came to our relationship. I spent more time doing other things than I did with her. Things change when you get married (don't let anyone lie and tell you they don't) I realized I enjoyed time to myself and had my own ambitions. Things I didn't have when we were just dating. It was all about HER.. and spending time with HER. She got used to this, and to this day doesn't want to let it go.

Well over the years, the band issue has still been creeping up as to her it still seems that I am putting the band in front of her. We practice once a week, and we have occasional shows. I do martial arts 2-3 times a week amongst other things. So the band is just a small portion of it. However, because of how I drove my relationship into the ground in the past with bands. Its hard for her to deal with even just this simple local band.

Anyway, long story short. She has a tendency to make sly comments to me just as I am about to leave for a show or practice. Usually referring to the fact that she wishes I didn't go because she wants me there to help with my son. She's just not as nice about it as I wish she would be. Well, this particular day I felt bad and kinda didn't want to go to practice anyway. But I didn't tell her til just before time to leave. And, like always she made her sly comment about me going. We had had a wonderful day before with no fighting so I thought maybe there was a chance I would be able to go in peace if I did decide to go..

So, she starts in. I tell her that I am not going. She gets defensive and starts fussing saying that I'm only not going because of her, and that I am going to blame not going on her.. so she told me to go anyway. I told her that it wasn't because of her, I just didn't feel like it. But, she kept on with it trying to force me to go. Eventually she started yelling as I refused to go. Finally I broke down and was gonna just leave.. maybe not go to practice, but was just gonna leave and come back and let her cool off...

Well she kept on, and kept on.. so I just got sick of trying to explain that me not going had nothing to do with her. She just wouldn't get it. She had already made her opinion and nothing I was gonna say was going to change it (she gets this from her mom). So I got ticket, and backfisted the door thinking it was going to make me feel better.. Well didn't intend for there to be glass there.. lol

Anyway, after my wife yelled at me for a good hour. I went to home depot and got some glass and fixed the door. I bought us some food, and luckily through the power of our child. She calmed down, and we talked about it and everything is good now. I don't lose my temper very often... Its just somewhat over the top when I do. I wasn't so much mad at her, but the frustration of not being able to make her understand my point of view.

Hi.

If you change your quotes above to relate to acting, this could have been written by my ex-husband. I'm going to give you a little insight on my side of that story.

There is one thing, friend, that we all spend every single day of our lives that we can never get back - never. Money can be earned, traded for or even stolen. Food can be bought, cooked or stolen. Same with most of our basic material needs. But time? Time with people you love? With your child during some of the most important times in his life? Never.

While that boy is still too young to call you on your absence from the family, one day he won't be. He will have questions for you and no matter how well you sugar-coat and justify your absence, he will still feel it nonetheless and so will your wife. One day the questions will stop and the statements will start and you won't have a say in his life because he's stopped listening to what you have to say. And he will become angry and frustrated and punch through a window or wall as well.

So, some unsolicited advice before I comment on your anger issue: If you have a good career with this where you make a lot of money and have no other skills, then you probably have no other choice but to do what you're doing. If you have the ability to gain another skill, do it. Nobody wants to be the kid of a small-time musician. Trust me on that. Spend time with your family during formative years and pursue music later if you can. Do it for your family. Because right now - already - your wife is regretting a decision, even if she won't tell you that or denies it, she's either regretting marrying a musician or your decision to keep on doing it.

If you must keep on in music, then cut your training back - it will always be there. Your family, however, might not.

On to anger.

Anger preceding sorrow is very typical in men though nothing is the same for everyone. Usually, men get angry first and release it in some way before they feel safe in experiencing pain, sorrow, depression, whatever brought the anger on. Keep in mind anger is usually an intro to whatever it is you're really feeling. It's an old reptilian response. Just find a way to deal with it and if you keep having trouble, take thee to a counselor. No shame in it whatsoever, just a few skills you might need.

Let us know how you do.

 

[bluekey88]

That good advice from Shesulsa. Might I also suggest maybe not just taking yourtself to counseling, but maybe yourself and your wife to couples counseling? It sounds like there may be some communication issues going on as well for the both of you. It's easier to fix things before it geos really bad than it is once things go really pear shaped.

Hang in there

Peace,
Erik

 

[Sylo]

Hi.

If you change your quotes above to relate to acting, this could have been written by my ex-husband. I'm going to give you a little insight on my side of that story.

There is one thing, friend, that we all spend every single day of our lives that we can never get back - never. Money can be earned, traded for or even stolen. Food can be bought, cooked or stolen. Same with most of our basic material needs. But time? Time with people you love? With your child during some of the most important times in his life? Never.

While that boy is still too young to call you on your absence from the family, one day he won't be. He will have questions for you and no matter how well you sugar-coat and justify your absence, he will still feel it nonetheless and so will your wife. One day the questions will stop and the statements will start and you won't have a say in his life because he's stopped listening to what you have to say. And he will become angry and frustrated and punch through a window or wall as well.

So, some unsolicited advice before I comment on your anger issue: If you have a good career with this where you make a lot of money and have no other skills, then you probably have no other choice but to do what you're doing. If you have the ability to gain another skill, do it. Nobody wants to be the kid of a small-time musician. Trust me on that. Spend time with your family during formative years and pursue music later if you can. Do it for your family. Because right now - already - your wife is regretting a decision, even if she won't tell you that or denies it, she's either regretting marrying a musician or your decision to keep on doing it.

If you must keep on in music, then cut your training back - it will always be there. Your family, however, might not.

On to anger.

Anger preceding sorrow is very typical in men though nothing is the same for everyone. Usually, men get angry first and release it in some way before they feel safe in experiencing pain, sorrow, depression, whatever brought the anger on. Keep in mind anger is usually an intro to whatever it is you're really feeling. It's an old reptilian response. Just find a way to deal with it and if you keep having trouble, take thee to a counselor. No shame in it whatsoever, just a few skills you might need.

Let us know how you do.

I agree with you. Thats why I've stepped down from the position I was in (Fulltime band, touring, cds, record label) to pursue music in a smaller fashion more like a hobby. I can't and won't ever give up "music". But I have no problems doing something that will work with my family schedule. I don't and have never done it for money. I work a normal job, so doing those things now would be impossible anyway. But the current situation still has me going to shows on weekends and practice on weekends/weekdays. Its been fine as long as I remember to spend time with my family when I can. So that part is my fault entirely.

I've always been a dreamer, and I swear one day I will have a job doing something I enjoy.. whether that be music, martial arts, 3d design.. etc (I tried acting too.. lol) Heck I used to be a professional wrestler for 2 years. I'm just not ok working a ho hum 9-5 forever. I'll do it to pay the bills and to pave the way for my dreams and my family. But I want my son to be able to go to school and be able to brag about all the cool stuff HIS dad does/did.

My long term goals are to open a martial arts school. I'd be close to home, and I would probably still need to work a regular job. But its more realistic than being a BIG rockstar. 2nd on the list would be getting a job as a 3d animator/artist. Its something I am trying to learn. I'm just a very artistic person and can't be held down by "the man" lol.

I've come to the point, where family definitely comes first and nothing I do will change that. Martial Arts has been a way to channel my nature without compromising my family life.. so far anyway.

 

[jks9199]

I hear where you're coming from. My wife has learned that when I'm working on something like plumbing, or wallboarding, I can get very frustrated and make a lot of noise. At first, she took things like that as if I were mad at her -- but she's come to realize that I'm just expressing general frustration, not anger at her. She still gets out of the house depending on what I'm doing... And I try not to be so angry about things :shrug:

However, I suspect your issue goes a little deeper than that. (OK, mine probably do, too... After all, I learned wallboarding because I broke more than one as kid.) I think that at least a few sessions with a marriage counselor of some sort (priest/pastor, social worker, whatever) would help you two. Having a neutral party help you both sort out what's going on and see how things have change -- and maybe agree on how they need to change more -- is what I'm suggesting.

 

[granfire]

I agree with you. Thats why I've stepped down from the position I was in (Fulltime band, touring, cds, record label) to pursue music in a smaller fashion more like a hobby. I can't and won't ever give up "music". But I have no problems doing something that will work with my family schedule. I don't and have never done it for money. I work a normal job, so doing those things now would be impossible anyway. But the current situation still has me going to shows on weekends and practice on weekends/weekdays. Its been fine as long as I remember to spend time with my family when I can. So that part is my fault entirely.

I've always been a dreamer, and I swear one day I will have a job doing something I enjoy.. whether that be music, martial arts, 3d design.. etc (I tried acting too.. lol) Heck I used to be a professional wrestler for 2 years. I'm just not ok working a ho hum 9-5 forever. I'll do it to pay the bills and to pave the way for my dreams and my family. But I want my son to be able to go to school and be able to brag about all the cool stuff HIS dad does/did.

My long term goals are to open a martial arts school. I'd be close to home, and I would probably still need to work a regular job. But its more realistic than being a BIG rockstar. 2nd on the list would be getting a job as a 3d animator/artist. Its something I am trying to learn. I'm just a very artistic person and can't be held down by "the man" lol.

I've come to the point, where family definitely comes first and nothing I do will change that. Martial Arts has been a way to channel my nature without compromising my family life.. so far anyway.

hmm, I had a feeling like this was more of a domestic thing.

Anyhow, doing a little bit of band and 2-3 times a week MA does not sound too bad to me. There are other men out there who don't have the luxury of putting their head down on their own pillow every night, while providing for their family.

However.
Having a small child I bet your wife's world is way smaller than yours (does she work or get other wise time outside the house without kid) and it also seems you have not been married for a very long time. Things take time to get to a comfortable balance and you constantly need to work on it.

And you have to communicate. and obviously it's not working well right now, so you probably would benefit (both of you) from some counceling and learning how to fight (argue) in a fair way. These things are part of marriage, but breaking the rules hurts more than a sucker punch and won't heal for quiet a while! And Martial Arts can really prepare you for this type of confrontation.

just as a little fyi so you see where I come from, I have been married for 16 years, we had our ups and downs, Hubby works 12-14 hours every night, sleeps most of the day, while I field calls from school and try to get our 11yo son to understand that he actually has to turn in his homework...fun times. We had some stressful times in the last couple of years, because of that and my sister dieing of cancer, we had some humdingers of fights. but when the dust settles, we love each other and make ammends for our mistakes.


Oh, and as for opening a school....we just lost a very good and dedicated instructor in the Organization, because he was too busy - among other things - with the school so he missed seeing his family. Given the nature of the business you will be at work when everybody else is off. ( ut band is the same way I guess)

 

[JadeDragon3]

It happens to me all the time. I've broken more knuckles than I'd like to count. I've got a big anger problem. I've been to anger management sessions twice and it was a joke. This little pip squeek told me that I should avoid the situations that make me get mad and go into a rage. Now we all know thats easier said than done. Anger management is a joke. All I can say is just don't hit a person.

 

[Ms. Sheryl]

Awwww, poor door. I've never punched anything in anger, I tend to just walk away and go for a walk. Helps clear the mind and works off any agression that has built up. Always feel better afterwards.