Wives/Girlfriends/Significant Others Helping in Class

[Dalum]

For those of you that teach and have a special someone that helps you in class... How do you handle it when it's business? More specifically, how s it handled when you have to make a discipline decision and it negatively impacts your "other?"

Last night I had to take care of such an event where my girlfriend overstepped her boundarys last night in class and was respectfully put in her place. Driving home last night I wanted to talk about it but it just turned into an arguement. She said that she quit. I took it as is since it was business. I contacted the proper people via email when I got home and informed them that she was no longer employed by her choice. Little arguments and minor good times happened throughout the night and this morning. Personally, I was sad to hear her just saythat she quit and be so hasty. Again though... It's business. She expressed how much she took everything personally (even though she was in the wrong) and is upset how I didn't back her in her decisions. Again, business.

Other than the topic of this thread, my other question is, am I being too much of a stickler and a hardass? Keep in mind that this is a kids class where we keep at risk and underprivlidged kids off the street and do the normal about respect and discipline through the arts. What happened last night could have set them back weeks. Some other things to think about is that she isn't a martial artist. She is there for me, my daughter (also in the class to learn and help out) and she loves being with the other kids. She could care less about the arts and styles and learning a thing about them.

On the surface, this looks like a lover's spat. I am looking at it solely from an instructor's POV. I really don't want to make this a love advice thread since I don't feel that it has it's place here or on MT at all. (At least not in this fashion for this type of subject.) With that being said, I am open to everything that I get hit with.
(even if it is me beign too much of a stickler and it does become love advice. LOL!)


TIA everyone and Happy Turkey Day if I don't get back on till Friday!

 

[terryl965]

First off do you have a set of rules to be followed and if so then a verbal, written and then maybe a suspension. I know she is not an employee but your better half that is why you need these in place so they feel they would be gettingthe same treatment as everybody else. At my school we all have rules of conduct and step we must follow to keep everything on the same page.
Now since that has happen the best way to deal with it is sit daown and talk and let he know the ground work is being laid for the betterment of those childern.
Hope that this helps.
Terry

 

[MJS]

For those of you that teach and have a special someone that helps you in class... How do you handle it when it's business? More specifically, how s it handled when you have to make a discipline decision and it negatively impacts your "other?"

Last night I had to take care of such an event where my girlfriend overstepped her boundarys last night in class and was respectfully put in her place. Driving home last night I wanted to talk about it but it just turned into an arguement. She said that she quit. I took it as is since it was business. I contacted the proper people via email when I got home and informed them that she was no longer employed by her choice. Little arguments and minor good times happened throughout the night and this morning. Personally, I was sad to hear her just saythat she quit and be so hasty. Again though... It's business. She expressed how much she took everything personally (even though she was in the wrong) and is upset how I didn't back her in her decisions. Again, business.

Other than the topic of this thread, my other question is, am I being too much of a stickler and a hardass? Keep in mind that this is a kids class where we keep at risk and underprivlidged kids off the street and do the normal about respect and discipline through the arts. What happened last night could have set them back weeks. Some other things to think about is that she isn't a martial artist. She is there for me, my daughter (also in the class to learn and help out) and she loves being with the other kids. She could care less about the arts and styles and learning a thing about them.

On the surface, this looks like a lover's spat. I am looking at it solely from an instructor's POV. I really don't want to make this a love advice thread since I don't feel that it has it's place here or on MT at all. (At least not in this fashion for this type of subject.) With that being said, I am open to everything that I get hit with.
(even if it is me beign too much of a stickler and it does become love advice. LOL!)


TIA everyone and Happy Turkey Day if I don't get back on till Friday!

Its always difficult when a significant other is either a member at the school or a part of the teaching staff. In the case of staff discipline, IMHO, this is a subject that should always be dealt with privately, not in front of students. Calmly discussing the events that happened and mutually coming to an agreement on what should/should not be done is the best way to go.

As for the second part of your question: I didn't realize that she was not part of the teaching staff. In that case, A) does she aid you in any way during the teaching portions? B) If she does not, she should be seated quietly in the spectator area, watching the class. C) if she does, then she should be made aware of what to do/not to do during class.

I don't feel that you were being a stickler. Any time you're dealing with kids, its very important to keep their attention. You have a job to do and once the training begins, all distractions should end.

Mike

 

[searcher]

All you need to do is tell her that what happens in the dojo stays in the dojo. You have to be able to seperate the two or it will never work. My wife has been my assistant instructor for over 5 years and we have had little disagreements, but we both know where we stand. The real advantage to having your better half in the dodjo with you is that you have back-up in case something bad happens. Without her there you are pretty much on your own. Talk it over with her and show her why you did what you did.

 

[arnisador]

I see this all the time--an instructor dates one of his students who becomes an assistant instructor. I know of a few cases where it works out well but in most cases it's a distraction to the head instructor and to the class, in my experience. I find it an uneasy situation.

 

[shesulsa]

I see this all the time--an instructor dates one of his students who becomes an assistant instructor. I know of a few cases where it works out well but in most cases it's a distraction to the head instructor and to the class, in my experience. I find it an uneasy situation.

Agreed.

 

[Phoenix44]

But this is a different situation. She ISN'T a martial artist, and she ISN'T a member of the dojo. So why is she an assistant instructor?

I think Dalum has to accept responsibility for putting her in a position in which she doesn't belong. No wonder she acted inappropriately. Martial artists usually know their place in the scheme of things, even when they are somebody's significant other. That's certainly the case in my family, where my partner and our kids are all martial artists. We've been assisting each other as we teach for years, and there's never been a problem of overstepping boundaries.

Dalum, apologize for putting her in this situation, and go out to a nice dinner somewhere.

 

[Dalum]

Well, she retracted her quitting statement. I did the same with letting others know about her not leaving. She is there as an assistant, definitely a part of the staff, but not an instructor by any means. Helping when and where she can isn't the issue. It's just as Phoenix said, she doens't know her place as she is not a student of the arts in any capacity. Things are luckily working out again, but I'm not looking forward to her having another outburst in front of the students again. She knows that it can't and shouldn't happen but knowing is different than doing and especially restraining.

 

[Jonathan Randall]

Well, she retracted her quitting statement. I did the same with letting others know about her not leaving. She is there as an assistant, definitely a part of the staff, but not an instructor by any means. Helping when and where she can isn't the issue. It's just as Phoenix said, she doens't know her place as she is not a student of the arts in any capacity. Things are luckily working out again, but I'm not looking forward to her having another outburst in front of the students again. She knows that it can't and shouldn't happen but knowing is different than doing and especially restraining.

I'm glad to hear this. However, as others have noted, you must remember that she has not gone through the socialization process that martial artists go through beginning as a white belt when they are taught to bow and observe a strict chain of command. I would clarify expectations before this negatively impacts your relationship further. Also, consider the possibility that you may have done something yourself to contribute to the situation.

 

[terryl965]

Dalum, I glad you was able to make peace with her for the moment. In Martial Art a first step to enlightment is compamise and you have made that and the second is respect in which you will have to teach her the proper respect that is due in a Dojang or Dojo. Tha hardest job one has is in a relationship is respecting one own place in that regard, best wishes my MA brother.
Terry:asian:

 

[jbclinic]

IF she is ranked by you, then she was out of bounds, even not she out of bound, but for the kids if what wsa taught wasn't wrong class goes on then a class of rank and structure is given not only to the kids to the girlfriend and the part of biz if shes good in teaching something and you don't have to pay then you profit

 

[MJS]

Well, she retracted her quitting statement. I did the same with letting others know about her not leaving. She is there as an assistant, definitely a part of the staff, but not an instructor by any means. Helping when and where she can isn't the issue. It's just as Phoenix said, she doens't know her place as she is not a student of the arts in any capacity. Things are luckily working out again, but I'm not looking forward to her having another outburst in front of the students again. She knows that it can't and shouldn't happen but knowing is different than doing and especially restraining.

Glad to hear that things turned out ok. I'm still a bit unclear as to what her role is at the school, but if she is not an inst., an asst. or does not play any role in the teaching process, the training floor is not the place for her to be.

Good luck and hopefully things will continue to go smoothly.

Mike

 

[Danny T]

Sir,
First you haven’t disclosed what she did as to overstepping her bounds. You state she helps but isn’t an instructor or assistant inst. however it happened in class. Was this during a class and she was working as office staff or actually on the class floor with the students? “Disciplinary” action doesn’t have to be negative. It can be positive depending on how it is handled. You don’t state what her role is yet want help in how to handle the situation. You will get and have gotten several replies on but no one knows what happened. Does she know what her role is and what her bounds are? As to handling her emotional state; you are looking from a business perspective which is probably a logical driven action while she is probably embarrassed and angry which is an emotion driven action. (Emotion will override logic). As to her not knowing her place because “… she is not a student of the arts in any capacity”, is a cop out. If she is part of the staff and doesn’t know her place it is the person in charge of her position who is responsible for her training, job knowledge, and performance. Disciplining no matter how respectful in front of others is poor administration. Unless it is endangering another the person or property the person should be respectfully and with dignity removed from the situation and disciplined away from the others. If there is no policy which covers the situation a policy should be set forth ASAP and all should know what the policy is what the action will be if not followed. I do understand your situation; I owned a business for 15 years with my wife working for me. It is easy to say what happens at home stays at home and what happens at work stays at work. It simply doesn’t happen.

You must set policy for “all” including yourself and adhere to them. Set policy for disciplinary action and the guide line which will be followed. All must know what they are so if action is to be taken they will know immediately what is going on. Policy should be in written form and be reviewed by all periodically.

Good luck
Respectfully,
Danny