Parents and communication

[terryl965]

I was wondering how many of you instructors have a hard time with one or more parents while you instruct there childern. You know the one's that knows everything about the Art but have never trained anybody or even taken a lesson. I have one such parent and everytime I ask for them to let me instruct they just insult me by doing it anyway, the child is a great child and the parent is nice out of class, I have thought about asking them to leave but the child loves it. How would you handle this.
Terry Lee Stoker

 

[kenpochad]

Pull the parent asaid and tell him or her that there been disruptive to the rest
of the class and that what there doing is disrespectfull . if they have any ?
what to after class. but if they cant be quit you wont let them watch the class.


I have seen dojos that have rules posted for all the people watching class
maybe post rules on the door and hand a copy out to all the parents.

 

[searcher]

This has been a problem in the past, but it can be dealt with in short order. I always start with telling the parent in a quiet toned down manner. If this continues, as has happend, you deal with it in a more audible manner.

The time I can think of right off hand I has to tell a father that if he knoew all and was so good why is he bringing his kids to my class. I also wanted to know who he trained with and why he did not have a school. This ended it very quickly.

There will always be winers, both parents and students. he thing we have to do is keep going and not let it get to us.

 

[Grenadier]

I realize that parents are exactly that: parents. It's only natural that they feel some sort of protective obligation. However, as kenpochad stated, this can become disruptive, and the last thing you need as an instructor, are more disruptions.

I've encountered this in the past, and the way I've dealt with this depended on how severe the disruption would be. If a parent were simply trying to give some minor coaching tips along the way, I'd wait until after the class finished, and speak with the parent afterwards. While keeping everything polite, and even casual, I would simply remind them that it was my class, and that I would ask them to simply wait until after the class was over, to talk to their children. I would also tell them that it's important to keep up the flow of the class, and that distractions, no matter how well intentioned they were, were to be avoided. Later on, when my assistant had passed her assistant instructor's exam, I'd have her handle a few of these cases (just for the experience).

Almost every time, this worked just fine, and the parents would refrain from interfering with the flow of the class. The few times it didn't work, the parents would either stop coming to the class (fine by me), or withdraw their child from the program. Going to another instructor's class wouldn't help them, since all of us had the same policy; no interference from the peanut gallery.

In more severe cases, where a parent would actually start screaming at the kid from the spectator's area, I would ask my assistant instructor to come out, and continue to teach my class for a short time, while I immediately went over to the spectators' area, and had a frank discussion with the parent. I'd emphasize the same statements above (e.g. not disrupting the flow of the class) in as polite of a manner as possible.

Sometimes this worked fine, and the parent would stop badgering the child during my class. Sometimes, it didn't work, and the parent would keep shouting at the child, despite my previous request. In those cases, I'd ask the parent to leave the area, since not only were they distracting the child, but also disrupting the entire class, and creating a spectacle amongst the spectators.

In all of my time as an instructor, I've only had one case of outright hostility from a parent. This parent had actually criticized my instruction, calling it incompetent and stupid, in front of the entire class, as well and the other folks in the spectators' area. At that point, I simply ceased having any more conversation with her, and continued to teach my class, since she wasn't in the right frame of mind to discuss these matters. Since the chief instructor was out of the country at the time, I had to wait until after he got back, to speak with him. The rather offensive lady had written a couple of nasty letters to him, claiming that he was doing the entire school a disservice by keeping me on the staff, and even making some rather outlandish claims.

When he got back in town, the chief instructor simply asked me for my side of the story, and also asked my assistant instructor what happened. After he heard the other side of the story, he simply came to the conclusion that it wasn't worth having this lady's child in the school anymore, and tore up the kid's contract. While we all missed having that child in the school (pretty darn good karate-ka, dedicated, and strong), we all figured that addition by subtraction was the best policy here.

Bottom line: When you teach, there's going to be a chance that you'll run into someone like the above. Take everything they say with several grains of salt, remain calm and collected, and always remember, it's nothing personal. If something comes up because of this, simply tell the truth about everything that happened, and let things sort themselves out.

I'll confess this much: for a few microseconds, I was tempted to speak my mind to this lady. After all, instructors are only human as well.

 

[MJS]

I was wondering how many of you instructors have a hard time with one or more parents while you instruct there childern. You know the one's that knows everything about the Art but have never trained anybody or even taken a lesson. I have one such parent and everytime I ask for them to let me instruct they just insult me by doing it anyway, the child is a great child and the parent is nice out of class, I have thought about asking them to leave but the child loves it. How would you handle this.
Terry Lee Stoker

I've had this problem in the past. This behavior is not only rude to the instructor teaching the class, but to the rest of the people, both parents who are being quiet, watching their child, and to the children taking the class. I've seen many schools post a sign in the seating area, stating to people to please keep the talking low and be respectful to the class that is in session.

As for how to address this problem. I suggest having the owner of the school address this with the parent privately. If he is not available or if you yourself are the head of the school, then address it yourself. I realize that the child loves the arts, but there is no place in the school for that kind of disrespect towards you. If it means the parent getting upset and pulling their child out, then so be it. As I said above, it is rude to the others that are there to watch and learn.

Mike

 

[chinto01]

Are they questioning the way you teach or the content of your class? Do they do this infront of other students and parents or do they talk with you in private? One problem that people fail to realize is that the martial arts is full of traditions, customs, and respect that the american culture does not recognize as much as the eastern cultures do. People walk into a dojo and think because they are the "customer" that they can set the rules. If this parent is questioning your methods openly infront if your class and other parents you need to have a polite conversation with them and explain why things are done a certain way and hope they understand. You might also want to encourage them to try a class or two. It is funny how the song will change when the shoe is on the other foot.

In the spirit of bushido!

Rob

 

[TigerWoman]

Well, we have signs all over for the audience to remain quiet or you will be asked to leave. And it doesn't have to be you doing the asking, just send another high ranking student. Talking parents, noisy children in the audience are disruptive to the class. By enforcing the general rule, you would not seem to single out this one parent that way. The advice that you have already gotten is good, that he brought the student to YOU to be the teacher, so he must remain quiet. Actually you could point out that a lot of schools have glass enclosed viewing rooms for parents. You can tell him if he wants to become involved, join a class and work toward a black belt after which, then he could learn to instruct. TW

 

[rmclain]

I mostly instruct adults, but offer a children's class several days per week. My school has a seperate lobby/waiting area with magazines and TV for people to wait. I explain to the children's parents before sign up that they[the children] have short attentions spans and can be easily distracted. As such, the parents are asked to wait in the lobby, but can "peak in" through a small glass window that separates the training area from the lobby.

I've never had any complaints from the parents when I explain about the children's attention spans.

R. McLain

 

[shesulsa]

I've never had any complaints from the parents when I explain about the children's attention spans.

I think that's the way to go - kids hear someone cheering for them and it breaks their concentration and focus which is hard to achieve in the first place. Surely if you approach it from that standpoint (posting a sign is a good idea) parents can't complain much.

 

[searcher]

I was just thinking about a way to resolve the problem without having to confront. I have seen a few schools in my area that have the spectators/parents area partitioned off with a glass window. This eliminates any distraction form the spectators, but allows the students to still see their parents. If you have the funds to pull this off it could be a real help.

 

[evenflow1121]

Well, from my perspective things sure have changed since I started MA in some 20+ years ago. Maybe I am just naive but back then, parents actually had a perception of what their kids were training in, and for the most part they respected the instructor's decision with respect to the child being promoted, or being disciplined even. In fact, I can not remember a time back then when my instructor had to tell a parent to quite down, or not to interfere. Today, its completely different atleast from my point of view, you have more arrogant parents that think their kids deserve belts because they are paying monthly fees, or feel they have a right to meddle in the class, or think that martial arts is a simple past time atleast until their kids get older. Of course part of this fault lies with the sprouting of McDojos all over the place, but it has become a hassle in the recent years.

You are right Searcher, if you can afford a glass window that would be great, but usually those separators are very expensive. A friend of mine who teaches simply lets the parents know from the start that they are more than welcome to watch, but they have to refrain from interfering in the class. He also explains all aspects of the class quite well, the sparring, especially the sparring as that seems to be the most problematic issue for most parents, so that the parents are I guess prepared in a way.

 

[OC Kid]

Some of the better dojos Ive been in have a seperate area for the parents to sit. Its usually far enough away from the students where they wont be a problem. usually a bench or even small bleachers on the side of the work out floor. So they can watch but cant really bother the class to much w/o making a seen

 

[still learning]

Hello, I guess this does happen's and all of you were very nice and firm on how you handle the parents. Rules are needed for parents about this part of the class.

Usually the out spoken parents needs help themselves on how to behave? I feel sorry for the the kids and their life growing up with parents like this!

sugguest the book " How to win friends and Influence People" By Dale Carnage.................Aloha

 

[evenflow1121]

Hello, I guess this does happen's and all of you were very nice and firm on how you handle the parents. Rules are needed for parents about this part of the class.

Usually the out spoken parents needs help themselves on how to behave? I feel sorry for the the kids and their life growing up with parents like this!

sugguest the book " How to win friends and Influence People" By Dale Carnage.................Aloha

Very nice, a friend of mine let me borrow that book many years ago, good book.

 

[Phoenix44]

Oh, boy, is this ever an issue! Depends on the parent. If I have a good relationship with the parent and the parent has a sense of humor, I usually just say, "Hey, I don't see YOU out here on the mat. Want to join us?" That usually get's him out of my hair, and BTW, sometimes the parent signs up for the adult class!

Sometimes I make a point of emphasizing that "Johnny is doing a really great job. At his age we expect him to do X and Y. We'll get to Z (the technique the parent is harping on) later, because it's a little more advanced."

Sometimes I just pray that Johnny gets really good really soon, and kicks his parent's butt, because if the parent is ragging on you, imagine how hard he is on the kid.