How do you control your aggression?

[malteaser14]

Hi I have been training now for just over 12months 3/4 times a week. I've obviously become less aggressive, and most of the time if I feel aggressive I shake it off within a split second, or I have controlled aggression and use it to my advantage, however an argument with someone very close to me had a different conclusion. Basically I had to walk away before I attacked Im glad I walked away, but Im not happy that I couldn't control my own anger/aggression. I know if I hadnt have walked away I could have done some serious damage as I was out for blood. Any hits and tips how to control my own aggression if this ever happened again would be great fully received.

 

[Cyriacus]

You already know how. You walked away. That was the correct response.
Whether or not the fact You came close to violent action is a bad thing, is up to You. If to YOU, that is bad, then You could seek the help of a Psychiatrist, or Anger Management sessions.
But in My opinion, You have already found the solution.

 

[WC_lun]

Learn the things that are most important to you. The things you really feel are worth fighting over. Once you know those things, anything else just isn't important enough to get worked up enough to fight. I would also encourage you to work on your empathy toward others. If you can understand the other person's view point, whether you agree with it or not, it is easier to take things in stride. If you are losing your temper, then walking away is a good action to take. Better that than fighting.

As a young man I had a pretty bad temper. If someone looked at me wrong I'd say something smart **sed and many times that led to fights. As I grew older, I found I did not like living like that and worked to change. Its not easy and it does take a while, but I did it using the two pieces of advice I've given you above.

The only other thing I'd add is make sure your not doing the "monkey dance." It is common in young men to establish a pecking order of sorts, but its based on ego. Learn to recognize if that is happening.

Good luck!!

 

[Bill Mattocks]

Get some help. Feeling the need to attack someone is neither healthy nor a normal response. It has nothing to do with martial arts, it has to do with inappropriate responses. I'm glad you were able to check yourself, and I'm not attacking you. If you told me you had a broken arm, I'd make the same suggestion. Find some professional help and get to the bottom of the problem and fix it. Martial arts isn't a cure for inappropriate urges.

 

[malteaser14]

I must admit you as a young man is the attitude I had and am working to change. Your 2 pieces of advice are actually ones I follow, but this particular occasion came out of the blue by me helping a friend out, and they were very appreciative! I then walked into a room where they sat alone and had an onslaught of abuse, I tried to calm the situation down and find out what I'd done/what was wrong to receive even more abuse and death threats... It was a bit hard to be empathetic by that point!

That situation is resolved now, I went to visit my friend once she had time to calm down and ignoring the previous comments I was there for her. The thing is, if it was anyone else I WOULD have attacked! That's what I'm worried about and want to stop... But as you said, it takes alot of time!

 

[Kaygee]

I am much older now, but when I was younger, I was extremely agressive myself. I had no idea what I was doing when I would get into a fight, but I would get in many. I lost a lot too, lol.
Anyway, everyone here pretty much hit the nail on the head.

You need to find out what is important and "worth fighting for".

When that phrase is said, what does it mean to you?

To me, it means, what is worth getting physically harmed for? What is worth physically harming another? Is it worth going to jail over? Is it worth the consequences and worry that your family may encounter if something happens to you...or, vice versa......is it worth possibly ruining another family's well-being?

If some guy gets drunk and is mouthing off and you fight him and hurt him bad.....was that really worth it? Even if he attacks you and you are trained, you should be able to use (at first) the minimal force possible to defuse the situation. And what I mean by that, is by putting him in some sort of hold or something until he calms down. If he gets up after that, well, maybe you have to take it to the next level, but you would need to be calm and "level-headed" enough to realize when enough is enough.

Also, remember this: You are training to fight! You are learning things that a normal everyday-joe off of the streets does not know. And, at the risk of exposing my geekeness, a quote from Spiderman is, "With great power, comes great responsibility".

Imagine yourself standing in front of a judge or a jury and being asked why you just didn't walk away.....
Imagine yourself standing in front of a judge or jury and being asked why you took it to the level that you took it to. They are going to find out that you are trained and (usually) you are trained to know when you need to really hurt someone and when it is better to defuse the situation with the least amount of force possible.

I witnessed a situation in a bar where some jerk was drunk and causing a scene and he put his hands on someone that was trained. The person that was trained calmly grabbed the guy's hand and put the guy into a "chuno-lock" (I do not know if I spelled that correctly). While the trained fighter had the drunk in the lock, he calmly asked him, "do you really want to do this? Because I don't." and after that, the drunk guy realized that it was probably not a good idea to continue the fight, and it was over. That is what should be done when you are trained. The trained person could have easily snapped the guys elbow or popped his shoulder out of place....but why? Why do that when you can just end it like that?

Sorry, I will stop ranting now. But you really should seek medical advice. It will help!! Good luck...and keep your head!!

 

[malteaser14]

My family is the only thing worth fighting for!

I don't know what was going through my head sat night... It wasn't till the death threat that I flipped and turned into the person of my past. I haven't provoked a fight in about 6years, the day I found out I was pregnant with my 1st child. I work in a pub and have defused many altercations, recently one that escalated to a bottle fight... But even then I used reasonable force and restrained him. The police turned up and attacker was in a choke hold! When I'm level headed I'm fine. You might be right about getting help though. I quit training 7yrs ago coz I scared myself and didn't want to know how to cause permanent damage. Really thought I'd dealt with those issues and left that side of me behind... Now your saying I need help I've realised my mind set on sat was like it used to be, and prehaps I've coped for all these years and not dealt with things.

Wow, the insight of strangers! Thanks.

 

[Kaygee]

My family is the only thing worth fighting for!

I don't know what was going through my head sat night... It wasn't till the death threat that I flipped and turned into the person of my past. I haven't provoked a fight in about 6years, the day I found out I was pregnant with my 1st child. I work in a pub and have defused many altercations, recently one that escalated to a bottle fight... But even then I used reasonable force and restrained him. The police turned up and attacker was in a choke hold! When I'm level headed I'm fine. You might be right about getting help though. I quit training 7yrs ago coz I scared myself and didn't want to know how to cause permanent damage. Really thought I'd dealt with those issues and left that side of me behind... Now your saying I need help I've realised my mind set on sat was like it used to be, and prehaps I've coped for all these years and not dealt with things.

Wow, the insight of strangers! Thanks.

Please, believe me when I say, I have been there! And I thought that my anger had gone away for years as well. But that type of anger NEVER goes away....it just boils inside you until it releasees like a violent volcano! Once you figure out WHY you feel your anger, you will learn to control it and feel better!

Trust me!

 

[malteaser14]

I know why THAT particular anger is there... I just didn't realise it would almost get the better of me!

 

[Instructor]

Walking away is sometimes the best thing you can do, especially if you feel your control slipping away.

Breathing helps.

I've heard proper hydration helps believe it or not.

Also try not to bottle things up, if something bothers you go ahead and tell somebody about it, right on the spot. You don't have to make a big deal of it just say it out loud. I sometimes think lots of little annoyances can erode ones temper to the point that they are just walking around about to explode.

My temper was hotter in my youth, nowadays it rarely rears it's ugly head, he's still in there though, I can feel him.

Regular exercise, martial arts or otherwise is a great outlet for stress and aggravation. Keep it up!

 

[WC_lun]

I also find that punching people in the face and getting punched in the face on a regular basis is quite cathartic

 

[jks9199]

My family is the only thing worth fighting for!

I don't know what was going through my head sat night... It wasn't till the death threat that I flipped and turned into the person of my past. I haven't provoked a fight in about 6years, the day I found out I was pregnant with my 1st child. I work in a pub and have defused many altercations, recently one that escalated to a bottle fight... But even then I used reasonable force and restrained him. The police turned up and attacker was in a choke hold! When I'm level headed I'm fine. You might be right about getting help though. I quit training 7yrs ago coz I scared myself and didn't want to know how to cause permanent damage. Really thought I'd dealt with those issues and left that side of me behind... Now your saying I need help I've realised my mind set on sat was like it used to be, and prehaps I've coped for all these years and not dealt with things.

Wow, the insight of strangers! Thanks.

What the hell are you doing hanging around in an environment where people swing from "thanks for the help" to "I'm going to kill you" that way? That said...

The blunt answer is grow up. Toddlers and infants are slave to their aggression and emotions. Adults control them.

I know -- it's not that easy. But it's doable, if you care to do it.

 

[celestial_dragon]

Hello, I have anxiety disorder from the first gulf war of 1990, from PTSD. I would loose my temper at anything. my wife made me talk to my primary doctor about it. I am now on a low dosage of celexa, every day. It doesn't give you a buzz like zanax or other stuff. Talk to your doctor about how you feel, he/ she will know what to do.

 

[Virtual Jim]

Get some help. Feeling the need to attack someone is neither healthy nor a normal response.

I respectfully disagree. The world is not nirvana. When someone angers you, it is normal to feel anger, and, by extension, the want to attack them. That's not to say it's right. We're not savages. However, when you evaluate life in a cost-benefit analysis (for everything!), not walking away only makes sense in a very, very small sample of cases. Often a more creative answer can be found.

 

[Cyriacus]

I respectfully disagree. The world is not nirvana. When someone angers you, it is normal to feel anger, and, by extension, the want to attack them.

Different people react differently to anger. Some people become violent, some people become nervous, some people get unbearable, some people get sad, some people keep it verbal.

Which is why I believe that it has to be up to the individual to decide if Their reaction is ok with Them, or not.

 

[Dirty Dog]

I respectfully disagree. The world is not nirvana. When someone angers you, it is normal to feel anger, and, by extension, the want to attack them. That's not to say it's right. We're not savages. However, when you evaluate life in a cost-benefit analysis (for everything!), not walking away only makes sense in a very, very small sample of cases. Often a more creative answer can be found.

Bill is right. While it's normal to feel anger at times, it is NOT normal for an 'arguement with someone close to [you]' to cause you to be faced with the choice of walking or away or assaulting them. A person with that much aggression, and that little control, needs help.

 

[Dirty Dog]

Different people react differently to anger. Some people become violent, some people become nervous, some people get unbearable, some people get sad, some people keep it verbal.

Which is why I believe that it has to be up to the individual to decide if Their reaction is ok with Them, or not.

:rofl: Sorry for laughing, but really???
There are plenty of people who become violent when angry. This is not acceptable, even if it is "ok with Them".
You might wish to reconsider your position on this issue...

 

[SuperFLY]

Bill is right. While it's normal to feel anger at times, it is NOT normal for an 'arguement with someone close to [you]' to cause you to be faced with the choice of walking or away or assaulting them. A person with that much aggression, and that little control, needs help.

completely agree.

 

[Cyriacus]

:rofl: Sorry for laughing, but really???
There are plenty of people who become violent when angry. This is not acceptable, even if it is "ok with Them".
You might wish to reconsider your position on this issue...

I know alot of people do - I was mostly just saying that not all people get violent.
I may be drawing too big of a line between wanting (perhaps not the best word. More like, really want to) to just attack someone, and the actual act of doing it. Who here hasnt felt like attacking someone before, then chosen not to? I mean, sure, therell be a few of you.
Im presenting it like this to emphasise that the OP is already onto it, and knows the solutions. Now he/she (its 1:48am. ill check tomorrow.) just needs to decide of their own volition to act accordingly.

 

[Bill Mattocks]

I'm not a doctor; I won't even pretend to be an expert. But I have dealt with a lot of personality types in my life, including those with, shall we say, anger management issues.

It's not about feeling anger. Everybody feels anger.

It's not even about choosing a violent response inappropriately. While it's good that a person makes the right choice and does NOT attack someone physically, the fact that they have that conflict internally is disturbing, IMHO. People who have constant internal struggles over whether or not to hit someone are going to eventually make the wrong choice, IMHO. I humbly suggest looking into getting some help before it gets to that point.