French Military History in a Nutshell

Bob Hubbard

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Land of the Free
French Military History in a Nutshell

Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."

Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.

War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".

French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.
Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.

Eskimos, heheehehe I guess they never did conquer the Great White North :D Is this why GreenLand Belongs to the Neatherlands? Did teh French give it away in some treaty? :rofl:

Did I really just post that? :eek: :cool:
French Army Surplus Assault Rifle: never fired, dropped only once.

Trying to avoid life's potholes,
Randy Strausbaugh
As de Gaulle himself said, "What can you do with a country which has one hundred favorite cheeses?"

He really DID say that......with a shrug.
Okay, now *this* was too funny!

I always liked the episode of "Cheers", where the French hockey player (can't think of his name at the time) was in a bet with someone else at the bar; he wins the bet and exclaims proudly, "France has won!", to which Cliff replies, "Well, *that's* something you don't hear very often!".



(And no offence to anyone French--it's all governmental policy, not the people!!)

Originally posted by tonbo

(And no offence to anyone French--it's all governmental policy, not the people!!)


While I applaud your diplomacy, I can't help but think you have never visited France. :asian:
No, I have never visited France. Known a couple of French folks, though. They seemed nice enough.....'course, I met 'em *here*, in the US, so that might be a bit tainted.....

I was basing that on my experience of going to Russia. I had heard a lot about how "all Russians" were this or that. Well, they weren't. I skipped out on a number of tours and went out into the cities and hung around in some of the "local" joints and talked with people. They were all pretty nice, normal people.

Ah, well...;) Grumbly as anyone might be about the French, I am STILL not going to eat "Freedom Fries". Please.

BTW.....does France actually *have* an army, or do they just make do with all the farmers on strike and rude waiters?


Jacques Chirac - "I believe that no winner will emerge out of war" (or something like that)

Rush Limbaugh - "In France's case, you're right"
June 02, 2003

Cry Us a River

French officials say the recent campaigns against French products are racist and the product of mean people in the Pentagon, reports ABC news.

Jean-David Levitte, France's ambassador to the United States, says the jokes and campaigns are not so funny.

"It goes beyond calls for French products," he said. "When you insult the French people, simply because they are French, then it's a kind of racist campaign."
I don't think you could call the french a race because that implies winning.:D
BUNIA, Congo --A contingent of French troops has arrived in the northeastern corner of Congo, where recent ethnic violence has left over 500 dead, the United Nations said.

Two planeloads of soldiers flew in to Bunia's airport early Friday to prepare for the arrival of a larger EU-led force intended to stabilize the area after Ugandan troops withdrew May 7.

The French troops force will check "the tactical situation on the ground ... the geography ... the state of the airstrip" and organize security for planes bringing the main force of up to 1,700 troops, The Associated Press quoted Col. Daniel Vollot, commander of U.N. forces in Bunia, as saying.

Vollot would not say how many troops have arrived in Bunia, capital of the troubled Ituri province, which has seen recent battles between rival Hema and Lendu tribal fighters.

French troops at the airport told Reuters that about 100 French soldiers had flown into the town. They arrived with Jeep-type reconnaissance vehicles and light weapons, and some of the troops immediately began patrolling the perimeter of the airstrip.

A unit of French army technical experts arrived Thursday in Entebbe, in neighboring Uganda, to establish a support base there, the AP quoted French army spokesman Col. Christian Baptiste as saying.

Under a U.N. mandate, the new force is to stay until September, when a larger U.N. force led by Bangladesh is to arrive.

The European Union-led force will include some 1,000 French troops based in Bunia, backed by artillery and fighter jets based in the region, Reuters said.

Other troops will come from a small group of other EU nations as well as non-European countries such as Canada and South Africa. The deployment will take about 45 days to complete.

On Wednesday, EU ambassadors meeting in Brussels, Belgium, agreed to send the French-led force to Congo, in what will be the bloc's first military operation in Africa.

The force, dubbed Artemis, hopes to secure a cease-fire deal in the Bunia region.

The joint operation is only the second the EU has embarked on. The first involved about 400 troops being sent to the former Yugoslav republic of Macedonia last March.

The EU plans to establish a 60,000-strong rapid reaction force to handle future trouble spots.

Diplomats said the EU force would be well armed, backed by mechanized units, and would operate under robust rules of engagement to allow it to defend itself and civilians.

The goal of the international force will be to remove the armed groups from Bunia and restore order to the town, as U.N. peacekeepers try to negotiate the disarmament of the militias.

-- CNN Correspondent Catherine Bond contributed to this report
French passport inspector
The old American absentmindedly arrived at French customs at Paris
airport and fumbled for his passport.

"You have been to France before Monsieur?" the customs officer asked

The ancient Yank admitted that he had been to France before.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection,"
snapped the irate official.

The American said that the last time he came to France he did not have to
show his passport.

"Impossible, old man. You Americans always have to show your passports on
arrival in France."

The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look. "I assure you, young
man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D-Day in 1944,
there was no damned Frenchman on the beach."

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread,

butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

French man: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."
French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The
Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle
them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to France."

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
--- Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---- Marge Simpson

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--- Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
--- John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
"Going to war without France is like going duck hunting without your accordion."
--- Donald Rumsfeld, U.S. Secretary of Defense

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure."
--- Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
--- Rush Limbaugh

"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house."
--- Argus Hamilton

"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once."
--- Rep. Roy Blunt (MO)

"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq." --- Dennis Miller

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against DisneyWorld and Big Macs than the Nazis?"
--- Dennis Miller

Q. Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in France?
A. Germans like to march in the shade.

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates Americans, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
--- Conan O'Brien

"I don't know why people are surprised the French don't want to help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France."
--- Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
--- David Letterman

"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried."
--- Rep. R. Blount (MO)

"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining."
--- John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.
The whole countrys going bankrupt, unemployment is skyrocketing, hope is falling thru the bloody floor and -THIS- is what our 'leaders' can come up with?

Please, tell me its a joke? Please?


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