Dennis Miller Rants

Bob Hubbard

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Dennis Miller on 'The Tonight Show With Jay Leno'
Feb. 25, 2003
Jay Leno: Let me ask you, war inevitable, what do you got?

Dennis Miller: Listen, we have got to do it soon, just we've got to mark our turf. I think Iraq is like East Korea. I think you got to send a message to these people over there, and I think this build-up to the war is why we're having all this controversy.

Because the last one, is it just me or did it seem to happen just like that. Was watching CNN one night, the first Gulf War, they are sitting around in the Baghdad hotel, the No Roof Inn or something, and they're watching "the Bachelor," and it's a little harder for the bachelor over there because it's tough to tell who's hot under the Burqua. They had just ordered some hummuus and smores from room service and all of a sudden a gallaga game broke out. The sky was full.

We waited so long here, of course you'll hear a lot of controversy. I think it's time to go in. You think the Elite Republican Guard is really going to stop us? Anybody remember these guys from the last battle? They warned us, you don't want to run into the Elite Republican Guard, they're killing machines. We got 20 miles away from them, all we saw is Roadrunner clouds running off into the distance. They were in Vegas last week opening for Robert Goulet.

I think it's time to start the war. My favorite Afghani war story is the Al Qaeda fighter who is crushed to death by the dissenting humanitarian food pallet. Everybody sitting around in the next life at the Psychotic Algonquin Roundtable swapping tales. What happened to you, Khalid? I saw a shadow, looked up, Del Monte cling peaches coming right at my head. I didn't even have the Kevlar turban on that day.

Listen, it's time to do something. For God's sake, Saddam Hussein is well, it kills me that so many people are thinking this man I hear this revisionist stuff now, that he doesn't deserve
to be attacked. It's unbelievable to me. I saw Ed Harris one night speaking at a pro-choice pro-choice rally. Ed Harris the actor said we shouldn't go to war. I was thinking if you can't get your head around the war, why don't you just think of it as choosing to abort Saddam Hussein. Wouldn't that be a rationale that you could possibly

Listen, we got to take care of ourselves now. I mean who going to protect us? I'm not saying we have to be trigger happy, but let's not be trigger sad either. Who are we going to bank on. You going to rely on the Germans? For god's sake, with the Germans you never know if they're not signing on because they don't believe in it or it's just not on a grand enough scale, you know. The Germans, it's like when Alfred Nobel started giving the peace prize. You know where he made his fortune, dynamite, he invented dynamite. He was so haunted he was going to go to hell, he said at the end, here's 9 million, give out the peace award. That's what the Germans do. They know they've got the skankiest track record on the planet earth so now they'll be obstinate about being pacifists.

Even with bad guys, the Russians, I don't know, I think Putin is on a tight leash right now because of that nerve gas disaster they had in Moscow. Really stop to think about it, if they could take out that many friedlies liberating an opera house, do you really want them flying off your wing in a real war? You know something? The Belgians, you knew they'd waffle?

That brings us to... well, you know where that brings us, to the French. The French, you might as well gas up the dinghy and go fishing with Fredo because you are dead to me, okay. You know something? These pricks are now putting they're putting swastikas on our flag in France. You've got all those boys buried in Normandy. And after we had the good taste to chisel the
armpit hair off the Statue of Liberty you gave us, you know something, I always thought that tint was oxdized copper. Little did I know it was green with envy.

You know something, I say we don't let these guys on the war train now. They don't want to be involved, fine. I say the train pulls out, leave them on the platform and say listen you're not allowed to fight with us now. You guys want to get your hands dirty at this late date, you'll have to run them through your own hair.

"If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign that says Bush is Hitler, forget the peace thing for a second and beat his ***, because he is not Hitler."
You know something, everybody's talking about post-liberation Iraq and who should take care of it. Listen, you know they need the oil and you know there's a lot of dirty paper on the French providing reactor parts that we're going to unearth. I'd have a back channel call from Bush to Chirac and I'd tell him, listen, pal, you know who's going to handle the day-to-day necessities of the noble Iraqi, it's you, my friend. Consierge is a French word, isn't it?

You know something, if they couldn't I say we invade Iraq and then invade Chirac. You run a pipe -- you run a pipe from the oilfield right over this Eiffel Tower, shoot it up and have the world's biggest oil derrick. We got a picture of it right here. Yeah. Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum.

I'm just saying listen, I'dlike to have allies too. What's happening in this world right now, we have a competency chasm. We are getting real good at what we do and the whole world is going to hell in a handbasket. As that gap gets wider, they'll hate us more and more and more. We are simultaneously the most hated, feared, loved and admired planet nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra and you know something, the Chairman didn't get to be the Chairman lying down for punks outside the
Fountainbleu.

Now listen, I don't know what I think of George W. Bush when he first got in, but I've grown fond of the man, and maybe it's the times we live in. They say he's not an environmentalist. But every time I see his ranch on tv, it looks pretty nice. You know something, if we all took care of our own, we'd have a great environment.

I think he ought to take Saddam Hussein on this debate, I like that idea. Because we can't find the guy anyway. Maybe this is a way to flush him out, huh? He can say... I hate to go back to the Godfather again, but we just sit Bush down and say, listen, we know where the debate is. Halfway through the opening remarks you say you got to take a pee, go into the bathroom, Rumsfeld will tape a gun up under the flusher. You come out, make sure it's there. Rumsfeld, I don't want my president walking out of there with just his dick in his hand. You put two shots into Hussein's head, you drop the gun and walk out of the restaurant. You do not run.

Listen, I do not need a time of war to see peace protestors and that's fine, peace is fine, dissident is fine, that's the American way, but the Nazi signs have got to stop. If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign that says Bush is Hitler, forget the peace thing for a second and beat his ***, because he is not Hitler.

You know something, this is this stuff has got to stop, somebody's got to say something good in this community about this man. I'm starting a new web sit, pro-Bush, called www dot w. And you know something, if you're watching tonight, President Bush, and I'm not sure you are because I got a feeling you watch the national network reruns of "BJ and The Bear," but if you're watching, I want to just say, I think you're doing a hell of a job and I'm proud that you're my president. I want to thank you and wish you Godspeed because you got a tough deal of the cards. I think there are a lot more people out here on your side than you would think.

You know, Jay, I used to be a liberal. You look at what happens in the State of California with untethered liberalism. Everybody in this state in charge now is a Democrat. It's no longer the Andreas Fault, it's Gray Davis's fault. This is what happens when you elect lawyers. Shakespeare said first kill all the lawyers. I've been doing some some thinking, I think we could get away with it because if you kill all of them, at our murder trial, we wouldn't have adequate representation.
 
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Bob Hubbard

Bob Hubbard

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Ya know, I used to like DM, then I couldn't stand him, but he seems to be 1 of the few celebs with an ounce of 'clue' anymore...

Dennis Miller Takes on Peter Arnett and Michael Moore

Another round of pro-American patriotism, pro-President Bush and anti-liberal jibes, jests, zingers and slams from actor/comedian Dennis Miller on Thursday's Tonight Show with Jay Leno, including a nice shot at Peter Arnett: How am I supposed to trust the honesty of a reporter that has that bad of a comb-over on top of his head?...Hey guess what Pete? We know you're bald, okay? The outside of your skull is as empty as the inside.

From the April 3 Tonight Show on NBC, most of Miller's cutting observations about the present situation:

-- Pride in conduct of the war:
I cannot tell you how proud watching that war coverage makes me. I know a lot of people are saying that they think that it's, that you know what we're doing is imperialistic. I watch the way we handle ourselves over there and I've never felt more patriotic in my life.

-- Denouncing anti-war protesters, Miller described how he puts them into four categories, the second one made up of those who call everyone but Hussein a Hitler:
The second type you have at these parades seems to be the people who want to mislabel Hitler. Everybody in the world is Hitler. Bush is Hitler, Ashcroft is Hitler, Rumsfeld is Hitler. The only guy who isn't Hitler is the foreign guy with a mustache dropping people who disagree with him into the wood chipper. He's not Hitler.

-- On the up side of war protesters:
I'll say this about the war protesters: At least most of them are only putting duct tape across their mouths so I can still tell the rest of them to blow it out their ***.

-- On the Dixie Chicks:
Surprisingly, making fun of the President on foreign land in a time of war doesn't seem to play with the NASCAR crowd!

-- On Peter Arnett:
How am I supposed to trust the honesty of a reporter that has that bad of a comb-over on top of his head? He's got four hairs left and he's swirling them around...This guy is dangerously close to pulling hair over from another guy's head. Hey guess what Pete? We know you're bald, okay? The outside of your skull is as empty as the inside.

-- On Michael Moore:
He's going to wake up every day for the rest of his life, and he's going to tell us how he hates everything about this country except his right to hate it. And then we say that we love it and he's going to tell us what naive sheep we are and that he's the true patriot because he hates it and he sees all the problems in it. Yeah, right, Mike. You know something, if my yawn got any bigger they'd have to assign it a hurricane name, okay?
Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron's right to be that utterly, completely wrong.

-- On justification for the war:
It is stupid for anybody in the world to say they're for war. But I am for this war because, you know, we've got to protect ourselves now. And we've got to remind the world that there is a point that we will not be pushed past before the [bleep]hammer comes down. Now, the simple fact is, do I think Saddam Hussein can bury the nuclear jumper from the top of the key? No, I don't. He's a putz. But I do think he can distribute the ball going down the lane and I think we've got to smack him around. It's time to circle the SUVs!
The simple fact is, you've got to view this war like we've been on a long family car ride. Bush is the father and he's been screaming [gestures with arm as if a driver scolding kids in back seat] 'don't make me come back there!' for around 200 miles now and it just reached the point where we had to pull the car over and the bad kid is going to get the spanking of his life.

-- On those whining about the length of the war:
And now we've got people whining about how long the war is taking. For God's sakes it's been two weeks. You know, it took Joe Millionaire eight weeks to pick Zora (sp?).

-- On global warming:
There's a lot of differing data, but as far as I can gather, over the last hundred years the temperature on this planet has gone up 1.8 degrees. Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stable? I could go back to my hotel room tonight and futz with the thermostat for three to four hours. I could not detect that difference.

-- Advise to soldiers in Iraq:
I would encourage the boys though not to rip down all those big wall portraits of Hussein because you got to remember, pretty soon we're going to need a headstone for my main man's grave and you might want to save one for him.

-- Praising the troops:
God knows that we've got things we've got to perfect in this country. But there's enough people downplaying it right now. I want to go so far against that. I want to thank the President. I want to thank the troops and say God bless you for doing the tough job which allows us to sit here and do the easy jobs, like be on the Tonight Show.
 

Rich Parsons

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This is what happens when you elect lawyers. Shakespeare said first kill all the lawyers. I've been doing some some thinking, I think we could get away with it because if you kill all of them, at our murder trial, we wouldn't have adequate representation.

Boy, that would be a nice defense. :D
 

arnisador

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He said more about Michael Moore--very insightful stuff. Like George Carlin, he is often at his best when he's at his least funny.
 
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Kirk

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Originally posted by arnisador
He said more about Michael Moore--very insightful stuff. Like George Carlin, he is often at his best when he's at his least funny.

Damn, ya beat me to it! Loved the Michael Moore comment.
 
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Kingston

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lol i remember watching his Jay lenno appearance. It was funny. But sadly i think people like him is one of the reasons so many people "hate" americans around the world.
 
K

Kirk

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Originally posted by Kingston
lol i remember watching his Jay lenno appearance. It was funny. But sadly i think people like him is one of the reasons so many people "hate" americans around the world.

Huh?
Can you expand upon this?
 

cali_tkdbruin

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Dennis Miller has been one of my favorite comedians for a long while. He's one of the few entertainment types with the NADs to sound off and voice his opinion contrary to what a lot of other loud mouth Hollywood types are spewing. That said, I for one have my own humble opinions about the activities in the Middle East. Moreover, who the F___ cares about what some Hollywood celebrity who's a high school or college drop out thinks about our country's politics anyway? :asian:

Oh no!!! Am I ranting like Micheal Moore? :confused:
 
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