Blade96
Senior Master
Hi, I wanted to to share my story hopefully someone else don't make the mistake of dating someone from their training hall in MA or being in an abusive controlling relationship. I posted my story on a relationship form so i copy/pasted it here cause it'll reach more people who do MA. and i want them to know what can happen.
some people date people who are other students who train in MA with them - I am here to ask you not to do it, please. Some people date men who turn out to be controlling - and I am here to also ask you to leave them when they show the signs.
In September 2009 I joined Shotokan Karate. I loved it - loved the teachers - called senseis - liked the students - most were nice, or so I thought. Turned out to be one who was not so nice. That was my now ex - bf. I call him Evil Sandan. For you non MA people, a sandan is a 3rd degree black belt. I love karate- love sparring (called kumite), forms (called kata) and learning basics (called kihon) I competed in a tournament and got gold medal for Kata. I went to every class. I was a model student.
I discovered about 5 months into my training that I thought that Sandan was the nicest BB in the training hall - called a dojo. he never refused me and worked with me when I wanted feedback on my training. In Feb 2010 I got my yellow belt - the first belt you earn (everyone starts off in a white belt) After that I continued to work with the BB and chat to him after the lesson. One day I asked him do he ever have cofee with students (he teaches) He said not really but sometimes. I also added him to facebook. When he added me back he asked me to go for coffee. Well OK, seems all right. So I went. I was a little attracted to him at that point (he was 59, I was 31) and after that I knew he was to me as well. I thought If he asked me out I'd date him.
That same week we had a karate class on Friday, and we went out to bar after. Made out when it was time to go home. Not long after that was the first sign of controlling behavior, though I never thought about it then. He began pressuring me to have sex (though I didnt know him and we'd only had just one coffee date) He'd say stuff like, Don't you wanna consummate our relationship? Well, what relationship? we only had one date. well he didnt care about that he want do it right away. I gave in at a karate seminar we attended. This was April by then.
After that we began going tohis cabin every week, and if I didnt see him one particular week when I was supposed to see him he'd get mad and i woud give in. Forgot to mention he was married and was cheating on his wife - with me! I got him to confess to his wife and to separate. This he did, leaving me to believe that he was good and nice cause he did this moral right thing. He also always used condoms - so i didnt mind giving in first time cause i wasnt gonna get hurt by it, he had protection with him.
Around May/June I was fighting with my parents, we never did get along that well. So I asked him forhelp to help me get away. I had always lived home and never lived anyplace else. I found an apartment and he paid some of the rent. And we lived together. There he told me in order to help my karate I had to eat this at such and such a time. If I didnt he'd get mad. I said I didnt wanna feel like i had to eat this at this time or he would get mad. He also told me that my Detroit Red Wings baseball cap made me look like a dork. (I am hockey fan and he knew it) He didnt like my pink shirts so i stopped wearing them. He had no interest really in any of my movies or TV shows. except one that he got to like to watch. I showed more of an interest in his movies than he did in mine. Also, we took showers together all the time when we were there and at the hotel we stayed in before we got the apartment. We never slept at all in the same bed, except when we had sex. He claimed it was because he and his ex wife didnt sleep together for years and he wasnt used to it. Or to being alone. Soon as he left ex wife he went straight to me. We went out all the time, he paid for the apartment, he bought me karate uniform, belt, mouthguard, I thought he was doing it all to make me happy.
In early summer I got fed up with his behavior telling me what and when to eat and what not to wear and stuff. I dumped him right before karate class on a friday. He got hysterical and went to the bar at the table where all the BB's sit after class and cried to the teachers and other BB's. Then got mad at me saying I could be kicked out of the dojo for 'hurting a Senpai (senior student, usually a black belt) When i got scared out of my wits about being kicked out of the dojo he got mad at me and said I have no empathy. What about him! What about how much I hurt him by dumping him, what a bad girl I was. he threated then to tell the other black belts I was nothing but a princess who wanted to sleep with all the Black Belts. I was nothing but a black belt groupie. One of them like the girl BB in our class who he asked out about 15 years ago and she turned him down, and since then he called her names and put her down, he put her down to my face too. I was so scared he'd marr my rep - he often threatened me with that. Said black belts are a big deal, they stick together and kyus - color belts - are not important.
Intercourse was a very big deal for him, he said itzs a need and he needed sex. I dont have a big drive and dont believe its a need. I often have stomach problems and dont want any physical affection. One night I was sick and wouldnt let him touch me. That night he got mad. When he got mad I got mad too and said I was leaving. I didnt wanna be made to feel like I had to have sex. I took my sneakers and my stuff. He grabbed it from me and threw it across the floor. Igot up to leave but he blocked the door and shoved me to the ground. I lay there, crying, turning my face into the flooor, curling up like a baby and crying scared. moaning. He went over, sat on the bed, and watched tv. He said he did it because he didnt trust me to be there the next day to help him move stuff back to his house when his ex wife had moved out. He had no evidence for that. I had a part in it, therefore I'd help with the stuff. Anyone else I would have fought back but he had two black belts - one karate, one judo - and i didnt wanna wound him up more cause he could hurt me. Anyone who hasnt been there don't really know what its like, sobbing on the floor, curled up like a baby afraid of your shadow. walking on eggshells.
After a week or so I got homesick and sleep all the time. Like i say i dont get along with my parents but i had never lived anywhere else. He wasnt understanding and helpful - said 31 year olds are supposed to live on their own and i was going backwards. Said because HE left home at 18 everyone was the same. I got very sick and went home to live again but he wouldnt take any responsibility - took me for a blood test and seemed to be surprised that nothing showed up! Of course I knew what it was - stress caused by him!
Next day. Moved to his house. Helped him with the stuff. he took me downstairs first things he did teaching me how to cook clean and said I had lied to him about knowing how to wash a floor and make a bed. I didnt lie - I do it, just not how HE wanted it done. Wanted stuff done a certain way and said he got it from his mother. He blamed his bad behavior on his mother who he called a bunch of names that wouldnt pass some censors on forums.. he liked tea in the tea pot. Ok - I was ok with that. I have tea in a cup. But I coldnt make tea on my own - I had to use the teapot and always ask him if he wanted some. Then I was supposed to sit down at the table with him and have tea with him. I couldnt just go make tea by myself. I had to not go into the bedroom and close the door for any privacy - though I have always been used to having time by myself. If I shut the door i was 'shutting him out' He tried to convince me not to talk to my parents about us or talk to my good friend who didnt like what was happening when I'd tell her. But I was allowed to talk to my other friend, because she was more supportive and would support whatever i decided to do and she didnt really condemn him. Took me awhile to figure out that he would only like it if I talked to people who didnt criticize him. I went out for coffee with my best friend one night. He got upset and said 'well im not staying alone by myself in this house' and he went downtown to a bar.
I often helped doing house hold chores - that was right and proper. But he was kind of patronizing saying 'Thats it' and showing me where and when to put stuff. His way of doing stuff. I was drying dishes one day, and i stopped in the middle of them to tussle with the kitten for a bit. But I wasnt allowed to do that - I had to stay at the sink til they were done. I got mad of course he had no reason to think I wouldnt come back and finished the dishes.
He always accused me of flirting. When I would compliment a BB who was working with me in class say i liked their teaching and that i learned a lot from them, I was flirting. If I paid my money early for karate I was 'sucking up to our senseis' I have a great professional relationship with our senseis, If I talked to them about say about roundhouse kicks or something I was flirting. I am a very friendly person who says hi to everyone. At first he said he liked that about me. Until, of course, he didn't. For the record, I still pay my money early. I still have a chat with my senseis after class. I told Evil Sandan I was still going to do that no matter what he said cause there was not harm in it. (btw if any of you get a great teacher like what I had for karate and university as well, develop a good professional relationship with them. A good teacher can literally change your life.)
Ihad graduated by this time and was considering pursuing my masters in History.But he tried to get me not to do what I liked, because his area wasnt history and i wouldnt be around him more then. he didnt like history, politics, or hockey or really books or newspapers or anything that I liked. he only liked his own stuff. So when I got homesick and missed those conversations with my father about hockey and politics, he got mad - so mad and he'd swear at me, punch the air, almost punch me in the head, etc. A couple of times when we were out I'd run down the road to escape him - especially his views on prostitution was good and it wasnt exploitation and he'd done it himself - well he'd also run from me in the dark downtown too when he got mad at me and accused me of comparing him to my father when i said I missed those talks. He's sneer 'Is your father your bf or something? Go stay at home with your Dad the rest of your life'
He had me do the laundry fold my clothes and his almost immediately after I came to his house saying gf is supposed to fold their bf's clothes. I got upset of course I felt like i was being treated like a something. I wouldnt do it. I hated my stomach too and I have never had a flat stomach due to my stomach problems my stomach often bloats out. He said one day It reminded him of pregnancy and it was exciting to him. I got vicious mad and he also accused me often of faking sick and using my stomach as an excuse to not have sex with him. I dumped him again. he said he couldnt be alone and immediately started seeing other women. I felt threatened by the fact he'd brag that 40 women had contacted him on dating sites and so on. Besides, I still thought I loved him. I took him back. Again.
he had always pressured me to move in with him though I felt I wasnt ready, even though I fought with my parents. He also brought up the subject of babies though we had only been dating 3 months then. I hate babies and told him I didnt want any. He became careless with condoms saying he hated them anyway and it wouldnt bother him if I did get pregnant. I was 31 with no job no nothing! and he wouldnt get bothered if I did get pregnant. I decided to get different birth control to please him. He bugged me about it saying i better get iud put in cause he wasnt using condoms and it would be his fault if anything happened it would be mine. I eventually got fed up and canceled it. I was gonna go back home. That last night we went out and he made it a terrible time all the time muttering my gf is breaking up with me. To him if a girl wasnt living with him she wasnt with him. When I went back home I left the iud there. Although he knew I liked to sleep in he called very early in the morning to tell me he found it. He said he would not return it unless I came back to him. He also wanted us to go on trips - I felt it was too soon cause wed just been together a few months. He got very mad when I refused to agree. When I mentioned about me taking home the kitten we had got together he said No. Anything we got together stays at MY house, and you dont have say in it. Im like, Excuse me? we got that and the iud together therefore I do have a say where it goes. He wouldnt listen.
I dumped him - this time for good. We had been together 5 months. he never gave me any say in anything. On top of that, he said I looked ugly when I didnt smile, told me I ugly when.....
he had also been communicating with his music teacher who I believe he might have been cheating with. As soon as i broke up with him, he decided to try and make my karate life terrible. The very next class we had he brings this girl brings her right up to my face and introduces her. she said he had asked her out and that week she moved in with him so they live together. So in about a week he started sleeping with this new one pretty much right after I dumped him. And still pretended to care about my karate training! if he cared about me at all he wouldnt have done that. He also told me h4e did it to hurt me.
I wasnt gonna tell my teachers. But as soon as he brought it into the karate dojo and poisoned my training I was going to leave and train somewhere else. The friday that was supposed to be my last night there - he said it was a free country and he and his GIRL could go where he wants. I said sure, but I am not going to be there. I broke my silence and told our karate teachers everything he had done to me that related to my karate and my training and the dojo. My teachers said That was not at all good not only as a karate student but also as a person. I told them I didnt wanna leave as I loved it there but I also didnt like people poisoning my training. My teacher said he may not be back as he has his own dojo to run - the dojo I had helped him get. My teachers said they would keep an eye on him.
I blocked him on facebook after I dumped him. but before I had him blocked I saw he was writing stuff about me on his own facebook saying if you are a rescuer (referring to my asking him for help leaving my parents) you might become a victim. saying that I had used him. he also wrote that if someone cries for help its just a cry for attention from anybody they can get attention from and if you leave it alone and ignore it it'll 'just blow over'
he hasnt been back to the dojo - and that was over a month ago now. But I am now afraid to go to karate, that i might have to see him and the girl there. I still go, because I love karate and I love my senseis. But please dont do what I did. Save yourselves the pain of always being afraid you'll see your ex at seminars, at tournaments, because you belong to the same association even though he has his own dojo now and doesn't train with our senseis anymore. save yourselves the pain of how it feels when you dated someone who hurt you AND having to always be afraid you'll run into them again and therefore not really be able to put it behind you and move on, always with a visual reminder of it. Its not worth it. Please, the first time you experience controlling abusive behavior, leave. And if you do martial arts, PLEASE don't date anyone in your dojo.
Thank you for letting me share my story.
Jacklyn. (Blade96)
some people date people who are other students who train in MA with them - I am here to ask you not to do it, please. Some people date men who turn out to be controlling - and I am here to also ask you to leave them when they show the signs.
In September 2009 I joined Shotokan Karate. I loved it - loved the teachers - called senseis - liked the students - most were nice, or so I thought. Turned out to be one who was not so nice. That was my now ex - bf. I call him Evil Sandan. For you non MA people, a sandan is a 3rd degree black belt. I love karate- love sparring (called kumite), forms (called kata) and learning basics (called kihon) I competed in a tournament and got gold medal for Kata. I went to every class. I was a model student.
I discovered about 5 months into my training that I thought that Sandan was the nicest BB in the training hall - called a dojo. he never refused me and worked with me when I wanted feedback on my training. In Feb 2010 I got my yellow belt - the first belt you earn (everyone starts off in a white belt) After that I continued to work with the BB and chat to him after the lesson. One day I asked him do he ever have cofee with students (he teaches) He said not really but sometimes. I also added him to facebook. When he added me back he asked me to go for coffee. Well OK, seems all right. So I went. I was a little attracted to him at that point (he was 59, I was 31) and after that I knew he was to me as well. I thought If he asked me out I'd date him.
That same week we had a karate class on Friday, and we went out to bar after. Made out when it was time to go home. Not long after that was the first sign of controlling behavior, though I never thought about it then. He began pressuring me to have sex (though I didnt know him and we'd only had just one coffee date) He'd say stuff like, Don't you wanna consummate our relationship? Well, what relationship? we only had one date. well he didnt care about that he want do it right away. I gave in at a karate seminar we attended. This was April by then.
After that we began going tohis cabin every week, and if I didnt see him one particular week when I was supposed to see him he'd get mad and i woud give in. Forgot to mention he was married and was cheating on his wife - with me! I got him to confess to his wife and to separate. This he did, leaving me to believe that he was good and nice cause he did this moral right thing. He also always used condoms - so i didnt mind giving in first time cause i wasnt gonna get hurt by it, he had protection with him.
Around May/June I was fighting with my parents, we never did get along that well. So I asked him forhelp to help me get away. I had always lived home and never lived anyplace else. I found an apartment and he paid some of the rent. And we lived together. There he told me in order to help my karate I had to eat this at such and such a time. If I didnt he'd get mad. I said I didnt wanna feel like i had to eat this at this time or he would get mad. He also told me that my Detroit Red Wings baseball cap made me look like a dork. (I am hockey fan and he knew it) He didnt like my pink shirts so i stopped wearing them. He had no interest really in any of my movies or TV shows. except one that he got to like to watch. I showed more of an interest in his movies than he did in mine. Also, we took showers together all the time when we were there and at the hotel we stayed in before we got the apartment. We never slept at all in the same bed, except when we had sex. He claimed it was because he and his ex wife didnt sleep together for years and he wasnt used to it. Or to being alone. Soon as he left ex wife he went straight to me. We went out all the time, he paid for the apartment, he bought me karate uniform, belt, mouthguard, I thought he was doing it all to make me happy.
In early summer I got fed up with his behavior telling me what and when to eat and what not to wear and stuff. I dumped him right before karate class on a friday. He got hysterical and went to the bar at the table where all the BB's sit after class and cried to the teachers and other BB's. Then got mad at me saying I could be kicked out of the dojo for 'hurting a Senpai (senior student, usually a black belt) When i got scared out of my wits about being kicked out of the dojo he got mad at me and said I have no empathy. What about him! What about how much I hurt him by dumping him, what a bad girl I was. he threated then to tell the other black belts I was nothing but a princess who wanted to sleep with all the Black Belts. I was nothing but a black belt groupie. One of them like the girl BB in our class who he asked out about 15 years ago and she turned him down, and since then he called her names and put her down, he put her down to my face too. I was so scared he'd marr my rep - he often threatened me with that. Said black belts are a big deal, they stick together and kyus - color belts - are not important.
Intercourse was a very big deal for him, he said itzs a need and he needed sex. I dont have a big drive and dont believe its a need. I often have stomach problems and dont want any physical affection. One night I was sick and wouldnt let him touch me. That night he got mad. When he got mad I got mad too and said I was leaving. I didnt wanna be made to feel like I had to have sex. I took my sneakers and my stuff. He grabbed it from me and threw it across the floor. Igot up to leave but he blocked the door and shoved me to the ground. I lay there, crying, turning my face into the flooor, curling up like a baby and crying scared. moaning. He went over, sat on the bed, and watched tv. He said he did it because he didnt trust me to be there the next day to help him move stuff back to his house when his ex wife had moved out. He had no evidence for that. I had a part in it, therefore I'd help with the stuff. Anyone else I would have fought back but he had two black belts - one karate, one judo - and i didnt wanna wound him up more cause he could hurt me. Anyone who hasnt been there don't really know what its like, sobbing on the floor, curled up like a baby afraid of your shadow. walking on eggshells.
After a week or so I got homesick and sleep all the time. Like i say i dont get along with my parents but i had never lived anywhere else. He wasnt understanding and helpful - said 31 year olds are supposed to live on their own and i was going backwards. Said because HE left home at 18 everyone was the same. I got very sick and went home to live again but he wouldnt take any responsibility - took me for a blood test and seemed to be surprised that nothing showed up! Of course I knew what it was - stress caused by him!
Next day. Moved to his house. Helped him with the stuff. he took me downstairs first things he did teaching me how to cook clean and said I had lied to him about knowing how to wash a floor and make a bed. I didnt lie - I do it, just not how HE wanted it done. Wanted stuff done a certain way and said he got it from his mother. He blamed his bad behavior on his mother who he called a bunch of names that wouldnt pass some censors on forums.. he liked tea in the tea pot. Ok - I was ok with that. I have tea in a cup. But I coldnt make tea on my own - I had to use the teapot and always ask him if he wanted some. Then I was supposed to sit down at the table with him and have tea with him. I couldnt just go make tea by myself. I had to not go into the bedroom and close the door for any privacy - though I have always been used to having time by myself. If I shut the door i was 'shutting him out' He tried to convince me not to talk to my parents about us or talk to my good friend who didnt like what was happening when I'd tell her. But I was allowed to talk to my other friend, because she was more supportive and would support whatever i decided to do and she didnt really condemn him. Took me awhile to figure out that he would only like it if I talked to people who didnt criticize him. I went out for coffee with my best friend one night. He got upset and said 'well im not staying alone by myself in this house' and he went downtown to a bar.
I often helped doing house hold chores - that was right and proper. But he was kind of patronizing saying 'Thats it' and showing me where and when to put stuff. His way of doing stuff. I was drying dishes one day, and i stopped in the middle of them to tussle with the kitten for a bit. But I wasnt allowed to do that - I had to stay at the sink til they were done. I got mad of course he had no reason to think I wouldnt come back and finished the dishes.
He always accused me of flirting. When I would compliment a BB who was working with me in class say i liked their teaching and that i learned a lot from them, I was flirting. If I paid my money early for karate I was 'sucking up to our senseis' I have a great professional relationship with our senseis, If I talked to them about say about roundhouse kicks or something I was flirting. I am a very friendly person who says hi to everyone. At first he said he liked that about me. Until, of course, he didn't. For the record, I still pay my money early. I still have a chat with my senseis after class. I told Evil Sandan I was still going to do that no matter what he said cause there was not harm in it. (btw if any of you get a great teacher like what I had for karate and university as well, develop a good professional relationship with them. A good teacher can literally change your life.)
Ihad graduated by this time and was considering pursuing my masters in History.But he tried to get me not to do what I liked, because his area wasnt history and i wouldnt be around him more then. he didnt like history, politics, or hockey or really books or newspapers or anything that I liked. he only liked his own stuff. So when I got homesick and missed those conversations with my father about hockey and politics, he got mad - so mad and he'd swear at me, punch the air, almost punch me in the head, etc. A couple of times when we were out I'd run down the road to escape him - especially his views on prostitution was good and it wasnt exploitation and he'd done it himself - well he'd also run from me in the dark downtown too when he got mad at me and accused me of comparing him to my father when i said I missed those talks. He's sneer 'Is your father your bf or something? Go stay at home with your Dad the rest of your life'
He had me do the laundry fold my clothes and his almost immediately after I came to his house saying gf is supposed to fold their bf's clothes. I got upset of course I felt like i was being treated like a something. I wouldnt do it. I hated my stomach too and I have never had a flat stomach due to my stomach problems my stomach often bloats out. He said one day It reminded him of pregnancy and it was exciting to him. I got vicious mad and he also accused me often of faking sick and using my stomach as an excuse to not have sex with him. I dumped him again. he said he couldnt be alone and immediately started seeing other women. I felt threatened by the fact he'd brag that 40 women had contacted him on dating sites and so on. Besides, I still thought I loved him. I took him back. Again.
he had always pressured me to move in with him though I felt I wasnt ready, even though I fought with my parents. He also brought up the subject of babies though we had only been dating 3 months then. I hate babies and told him I didnt want any. He became careless with condoms saying he hated them anyway and it wouldnt bother him if I did get pregnant. I was 31 with no job no nothing! and he wouldnt get bothered if I did get pregnant. I decided to get different birth control to please him. He bugged me about it saying i better get iud put in cause he wasnt using condoms and it would be his fault if anything happened it would be mine. I eventually got fed up and canceled it. I was gonna go back home. That last night we went out and he made it a terrible time all the time muttering my gf is breaking up with me. To him if a girl wasnt living with him she wasnt with him. When I went back home I left the iud there. Although he knew I liked to sleep in he called very early in the morning to tell me he found it. He said he would not return it unless I came back to him. He also wanted us to go on trips - I felt it was too soon cause wed just been together a few months. He got very mad when I refused to agree. When I mentioned about me taking home the kitten we had got together he said No. Anything we got together stays at MY house, and you dont have say in it. Im like, Excuse me? we got that and the iud together therefore I do have a say where it goes. He wouldnt listen.
I dumped him - this time for good. We had been together 5 months. he never gave me any say in anything. On top of that, he said I looked ugly when I didnt smile, told me I ugly when.....
he had also been communicating with his music teacher who I believe he might have been cheating with. As soon as i broke up with him, he decided to try and make my karate life terrible. The very next class we had he brings this girl brings her right up to my face and introduces her. she said he had asked her out and that week she moved in with him so they live together. So in about a week he started sleeping with this new one pretty much right after I dumped him. And still pretended to care about my karate training! if he cared about me at all he wouldnt have done that. He also told me h4e did it to hurt me.
I wasnt gonna tell my teachers. But as soon as he brought it into the karate dojo and poisoned my training I was going to leave and train somewhere else. The friday that was supposed to be my last night there - he said it was a free country and he and his GIRL could go where he wants. I said sure, but I am not going to be there. I broke my silence and told our karate teachers everything he had done to me that related to my karate and my training and the dojo. My teachers said That was not at all good not only as a karate student but also as a person. I told them I didnt wanna leave as I loved it there but I also didnt like people poisoning my training. My teacher said he may not be back as he has his own dojo to run - the dojo I had helped him get. My teachers said they would keep an eye on him.
I blocked him on facebook after I dumped him. but before I had him blocked I saw he was writing stuff about me on his own facebook saying if you are a rescuer (referring to my asking him for help leaving my parents) you might become a victim. saying that I had used him. he also wrote that if someone cries for help its just a cry for attention from anybody they can get attention from and if you leave it alone and ignore it it'll 'just blow over'
he hasnt been back to the dojo - and that was over a month ago now. But I am now afraid to go to karate, that i might have to see him and the girl there. I still go, because I love karate and I love my senseis. But please dont do what I did. Save yourselves the pain of always being afraid you'll see your ex at seminars, at tournaments, because you belong to the same association even though he has his own dojo now and doesn't train with our senseis anymore. save yourselves the pain of how it feels when you dated someone who hurt you AND having to always be afraid you'll run into them again and therefore not really be able to put it behind you and move on, always with a visual reminder of it. Its not worth it. Please, the first time you experience controlling abusive behavior, leave. And if you do martial arts, PLEASE don't date anyone in your dojo.
Thank you for letting me share my story.
Jacklyn. (Blade96)
