De-esculation is a part of my job as I am a trained mental health nurse who has worked in secure units and on challenging behaviour wards. I am currently working on an inpatient drug and alcohol detox ward. I find it mainly boils down to common sense at the end of the day. I will share a few techniques that I use that help me diffuse situations. You probably do these things anyway so I hope not to make people feel patronised.
You need to roll with and absorb the aggression. Aggression met with aggression will be a win-lose situation for one of you. As people have said remain calm. It's easier said than done as the adrenaline kicks in and you feel the butterflies in your stomach, your heart starts pounding and you may get a dry mouth and words do not always come easy. There is nothing wrong or abnormal about these feelings its just your body preparing for the fight or flight response. So I suppose it's better to think of it as pretending to be calm. You will be surprised that if you act calm and keep your tone of voice at a steady level it will naturally keep you feeling calmer. Remember that the angry person is not a mind reader.
Be aware of body language and distance. Common sense dictates that you need to keep as much distance between you and the angry person as possible. With distance you are able to maintain more open and non aggressive body postures. Keep your hand gestures to a minimum and keep your palms open. I would suggest you stand with one foot slightly back so you are not standing square on with the angry person. Personally I wouldn't get into any fighting stances as that would antagonise an already aggressive individual.
Something people need to be aware of when remaining calm is that a non emotional response will potentially infuriate the individual and make them much angrier! Being calm is not the same as showing no emotion what so ever! If that person is angry with you they will feel justified in their anger and will feel the need to have their anger heard. Express sincere apologies and
VALIDATE their feelings. If you have done something that has offended them agree with them that you were in the wrong and apologise for it. Tell them that in their situation you would be feeling just as p**sed off and that you are sorry. Keep your tone of voice at a nice steady level avoiding the temptation to raise it in defence but make sure that it conveys true meanings and feelings of sincerity. Do not appear emotionless!
Your facial expression should be sincere (imagine you have been caught cheating on your wife and you are trying to patch up your marriage! That is the face you should be pulling!). Do not smile, do not use humour. The persons anger is not a laughing matter.
Eye contact is important. Too much is aggressive and too little is too passive and is inviting attack so it is tricky to get this right especially when the adrenaline is kicking in. To maintain normal eye contact it can be helpful to look at the point between the eyebrows of the individual and at the top of their nose. Literally between the eyes. The person will still feel that you are looking at them when you are talking to them and it allows you to avoid their glare and thus preventing you naturally lingering longer than you normally would.
Be aware of ego and the concept of "losing face". If the angry person has an audience it really changes the dynamic of the interaction and puts the angry person in a position where they have a lot to lose. You do not want to make an angry person look foolish. In a clinical situation I often ask other patients to leave or request the discussion take place in another room. This is not appropriate for outside in the real world.
However, I have had the misfortune to have had people be angry at me outside in the real world. Main occassions have been as a result of my antagonistic friends winding some guy up! I find appealing to that persons vanity and ego helpful especially if they have friends watching! Tell them that you have no desire what so ever to fight them as
they will win!
VALIDATE and
APOLOGISE. (In my situation I agreed with them that my friend was an idiot and he was just larging it and I'll take him home!). Say what ever you need to say to make the angry person feel that shouting at you was enough. Macho attitudes and big egos are for the insecure, don't be afraid of backing down or what others think. Use your brain.
After an altercation that you have diffused remember that adrenaline stays in the body for a full 90 minutes! I suggest staying well clear of that individual as its very easy for them to flip again in those 90mins! Get out and go somewhere else!
All said and done though there will be people out there who are just determined to hurt you despite your best efforts. I certainly have met them in the clinical situation and I know that there are violent thugs out in the street. Trust your hunches and instincts-
if it doesn't feel right get out of the situation as quickly as possible. Be aware of your escape routes. At work I have my personal alarm for those situations in the street I will have my martial arts and fast running legs. Deep down you will know whether you did everything you could do to prevent the situation.
Hope this helps some people out there and wasn't too patronising! Feel free to disagree with any points. It is just what has worked for me in the past.
Cheers Mark
