"she did not report the attack because she feared losing custody of her children"

[Carol]

This is a gut-wrenching story from my neck of the woods that begs a very dark question.

How many parents (moms or dads) are unreported victims of violence because they fear the loss of their kids?

Peabody murder suspect had threatened victim before, according to court papers


By Julie Manganis
Staff writer

PEABODY — On Christmas Eve, Jessica Herrera and Ashley Fernandes went out for drinks and dinner, then back to their apartment on Oak Street in Peabody. Her kids were with their father for the holiday, so the two had some time alone together. But sometime in the early morning hours of Christmas, something went horribly wrong, she would later tell police. Fernandes began strangling and punching her in a violent attack during which he told her she was going to die, she said.

Full story on link:
http://www.salemnews.com/punews/local_story_099003149.html

 

[terryl965]

That is assamed, so many victoms are afraid to come out and tell the truth. worried about some stituation that may or mat not happen. Our society needs a over haul about what is right and wrong.

 

[LuzRD]

ya know how many times i must have driven past this "individual" when i lived in Peabody? i lived not 5 minutes from them at one point, and then i moved up the street from where he worked!
makes me sick to think that i probably was in the same room with him at some bar at some point!

BTW the first line from the salemnews story kinda scared the stuffing outa me! i know a GIRL named Ashley from that area, and she has a good friend named Jess. neither of which ive seen in a while.

 

[MA-Caver]

This is indeed tragic but happens more often than we'd like to admit. In the other thread concerning abusive heads of households, I stated that usually the abuser has a position of power or control (or both) over his "subjects". The fear extends to nearly every aspects of the victim's life. Even if the abuser wasn't touching the children and focusing the rage on the spouse alone, often times the spouse will not do anything because of the reasons that this woman died for.
A definite horror story to be sure. One that happens every day all across the world.

That is assamed, so many victims are afraid to come out and tell the truth. worried about some situation that may or may not happen. Our society needs a overhaul about what is right and wrong.

I'll not argue that one bit. So who is going to do it?

 

[Mark L]

So who is going to do it?

There have been a few recently publicized instances here in Mass. where our judges have, seemingly, enabled such horrors by releasing or refusing to hold violent individuals. A first step that we, as citizens, can take is to hound our elected officials until they enact legislation that subjects our judges to the will of the people via elections. Then, maybe, we'll start to see some accountability on the part of those entrusted with ensuring our safety.

 

[MA-Caver]

There have been a few recently publicized instances here in Mass. where our judges have, seemingly, enabled such horrors by releasing or refusing to hold violent individuals. A first step that we, as citizens, can take is to hound our elected officials until they enact legislation that subjects our judges to the will of the people via elections. Then, maybe, we'll start to see some accountability on the part of those entrusted with ensuring our safety.

Ok sure, I agree. Need to hound those who pass the laws and those who decide who stays in jail without bond/bail and all of that...

WHO is going to do it.

At this point it's rhetoric.
We the people of these United States in order to form a more perfect union haven't actively pursued our rights by the constitution in getting law makers to DO what they need to do. Improve on what needs improving. We sit & talk around the pot belly stove at the county store and that's about it. We still vote these morons back into office because it's easier to do so.
We the people give the power to those in office... we the people are far from being "powerless" to do anything about it. We can kick these guys out and put in someone who will do something about it and if they don't then they're out and we try again.
It's supposed to be the beauty of democracy.
Too many times have victims of these violent crimes been denied justice because some fleabag of an attorney keeps fighting for the rights of the criminals who by all intents and purposes should have automatically lost their rights the minute they put a (violent) hand on their victims.
Especially in clear cut cases like this one.
Granted there are cases where it must be looked at closer to know for certain that abuse had indeed taken place and that the accuser didn't decide to take advantage of a (real) slip and fall down the steps to get even with someone (spouse/boyfriend whatever!). There the law(s) must be careful.
But on the obvious and where it is a clear case of abuse the victims should be entitled to more rights.
Though it is said that they are, this woman didn't feel comfortable with the law(s) to do what was right... protect her life and the lives of her children. She had no assurances of the protection of the law. I'm sure she isn't the only one out there. Sadly, I'm sure she won't be the last to have died because the criminal's rights under the law.

We the people have the power to make or break our lives. It's what our ancestors fought and died for, over 230 years ago so that their descendants won't have to suffer due to inadequate laws.

 

[Mark L]

We sit & talk around the pot belly stove at the county store and that's about it. We still vote these morons back into office because it's easier to do so.

I suspect that you are speaking in generalities here. I don't stop with conversation. I regularly correspond with local, state, and federal officials that represent me. I voice my opinion, suggest that they canvas the electorate to discern its' opinion, and ask that their actions reflect ours. Then, every time, I remind them that I do pay attention to their votes, I vote in every election, I have a really good memory, and I do attempt to influence my freinds and neighbors. Maybe my actions have an effect, maybe not. But I do participate ...

 

[MA-Caver]

I suspect that you are speaking in generalities here. I don't stop with conversation. I regularly correspond with local, state, and federal officials that represent me. I voice my opinion, suggest that they canvas the electorate to discern its' opinion, and ask that their actions reflect ours. Then, every time, I remind them that I do pay attention to their votes, I vote in every election, I have a really good memory, and I do attempt to influence my freinds and neighbors. Maybe my actions have an effect, maybe not. But I do participate ...

I am in fact speaking generally and wish that more Americans were like you. :asian: Kudos! May your efforts not be in vain! Keep up the good work!

 

[thardey]

I don't know . . . I've been involved with abusive situations (usually as an unofficial counselor/mediator.) It's not the government's fault that she went back to him. It's not her fault, either. She probably believed she was going to save him from himself, that he just needed somebody to believe in him, or something of that sort.

Even if the Gov't. had denied her request to drop the restraining order. (Which would have been bizarre, since she requested it,) she would have simply avoided it.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you hold on to somebody, to try to keep them from running back into the flames of these awful relationships, you can't. The abuser has already taken control. It's more than just physical abuse, it's a matter of control over the thought process, and emotions of the victim. Something goes wrong in the logical thinking, and the victim is convinced that it's their "fate" to feed the hunger of the abuser until their need for power is sated. Sometimes this means they refuse to leave, sometimes it means they leave and go back. Always there's a hope that the victim can change the abuser, that they can "redeem" him or her. This hope is almost impossible to kill with reason, logic, or force.

Add to that the victim's seed of belief that they deserve to be treated the way they are, planted and watered by the input of the closest person in their life, the abuser, and you have the deep-rooted belief that everyone is out to give them "what they deserve." The Government becomes the ultimate symbol of that authority, which is to dispense justice. That thought becomes horrifying to the one who does believe that she is a "Bad mother" or a "bad wife."

The "Welcoming Smile" of the Government that is trying to help is viewed as the bared fangs of a wolf waiting to devour. If you were convinced that you were a criminal, would you go to the police for help? Why would you expect that a mother, who believes that she is a failure, to get involved with people who could take her kids away? In her mind, they would be right to!

In my interactions with Children's Services Division, their first priority is the safety of the children. It is a good chance that they would have taken guardianship of the children, and if the environment involved this guy, they probably would have taken custody, too. I wouldn't change this policy one bit.

This story isn't really "newsworthy," other than the conclusion ended in death. This story is played out hundreds of times over in our neighborhoods and suburbs.

There is no easy way to stop it. There's no change in government that's going to change the way victims respond to abusers. There's no one answer. The only thing we can try to do is to interact with other people in our own lives. Do you know your neighbors? Do you get involved in people's lives other than your own? If you do see signs of abuse, whether alcohol, physical, sexual, or emotional, will you turn a blind eye? Are you willing to take the phone calls at 3 A.M. to give support to the victim wanting to run back to their tormentor? Knowing that they are hating you for "attacking" their "true love?"

No, as a community we aren't. "What a person does in their own house is their business." End of story.

 

[Mark L]

This story isn't really "newsworthy," other than the conclusion ended in death. This story is played out hundreds of times over in our neighborhoods and suburbs.

That's pretty callous statement, though probably true. Sad ...

 

[MA-Caver]

I don't know . . . I've been involved with abusive situations (usually as an unofficial counselor/mediator.) It's not the government's fault that she went back to him. It's not her fault, either. She probably believed she was going to save him from himself, that he just needed somebody to believe in him, or something of that sort.

Even if the Gov't. had denied her request to drop the restraining order. (Which would have been bizarre, since she requested it,) she would have simply avoided it.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you hold on to somebody, to try to keep them from running back into the flames of these awful relationships, you can't. The abuser has already taken control. It's more than just physical abuse, it's a matter of control over the thought process, and emotions of the victim. Something goes wrong in the logical thinking, and the victim is convinced that it's their "fate" to feed the hunger of the abuser until their need for power is sated. Sometimes this means they refuse to leave, sometimes it means they leave and go back. Always there's a hope that the victim can change the abuser, that they can "redeem" him or her. This hope is almost impossible to kill with reason, logic, or force.

Add to that the victim's seed of belief that they deserve to be treated the way they are, planted and watered by the input of the closest person in their life, the abuser, and you have the deep-rooted belief that everyone is out to give them "what they deserve." The Government becomes the ultimate symbol of that authority, which is to dispense justice. That thought becomes horrifying to the one who does believe that she is a "Bad mother" or a "bad wife."

The "Welcoming Smile" of the Government that is trying to help is viewed as the bared fangs of a wolf waiting to devour. If you were convinced that you were a criminal, would you go to the police for help? Why would you expect that a mother, who believes that she is a failure, to get involved with people who could take her kids away? In her mind, they would be right to!

In my interactions with Children's Services Division, their first priority is the safety of the children. It is a good chance that they would have taken guardianship of the children, and if the environment involved this guy, they probably would have taken custody, too. I wouldn't change this policy one bit.

This story isn't really "newsworthy," other than the conclusion ended in death. This story is played out hundreds of times over in our neighborhoods and suburbs.

There is no easy way to stop it. There's no change in government that's going to change the way victims respond to abusers. There's no one answer. The only thing we can try to do is to interact with other people in our own lives. Do you know your neighbors? Do you get involved in people's lives other than your own? If you do see signs of abuse, whether alcohol, physical, sexual, or emotional, will you turn a blind eye? Are you willing to take the phone calls at 3 A.M. to give support to the victim wanting to run back to their tormentor? Knowing that they are hating you for "attacking" their "true love?"

Very good points thardey, and I appreciate the reminder that there are thousands of government social service people (police, social workers, child-welfare workers, et al) who are working to the best of their abilities under the present laws. Many of these city, state and federal employees want to help people and their chosen jobs allow them to do just that. I did not intend to exclude them from their courageous efforts nor to include them when I spoke against government's inability to create better laws to protect these victims of abuse. The ones who write the laws and pass them into the book need more information about what's going on in their areas and need pressure to ensure the right laws are written so the helpless can be helped.
Sad to think that these people who have given their time and efforts to help cases like these are not trusted, appreciated or even understood correctly or fully as they should be.

Correct in the statement that abusers tend to have a strong hold upon their victims and that often times (I've seen it myself) the abused goes right back into that environment because they often feel they have no choice, that they have false hopes, they believe the pleadings of their abusers "I'm sorry, I'll be better, I promise, please come back!" and thus go back into it only to have things either go well for a short while (build up of security) or immediately as the door shuts behind them as they walk back over the threshold.

I do like to think that there is things that we can do, it takes courage and a firm commitment and the help of said neighbors.
True, what I do behind my closed doors is nobody's else's business but my own. But I do believe that if I'm committing crimes against persons willfully to the extent of murder that I should be stopped. When it's reported then it needs to be looked into... particularly if there are children in the household.
Maybe it is a terrible thing to take the children out of their homes because it's likely they won't fully understand why and thus have a resentment against the state. The mothers own psychological stress of whether she's a good/bad mother is heightened. The abuser is given yet another excuse to unload their vehemence.

No, there probably aren't easy solutions but there are solutions.

 

[MJS]

Its really a shame, because I'm sure there are alot of people out there who're victims of domestic violence, that are too afraid to call for help. They're afraid of drawing attention to themselves when the cops show up, they're afraid of being kicked out of their apt, if they're renters, they're afraid of retaliation from the abuser, and they're afraid that nobody will believe them.

Personally, I don't see why DCF would take her kids. I could see if they were being abused by both parties, then yes, by all means, get them the hell out of there. But, if she is the victim, then not only should the kids be removed from that environment, but so should she.

Its also a shame because this woman, despite all this abuse, honestly felt like things would change. I'm sorry, but I dont understand how someone who beats the crap out of you, could love anyone.

If people want help, the first step is admitting that they need it. Dropping the restraining order was a mistake and probably one that contributed to her death. Sadly, they really do think that things will get better.

 

[thardey]

No, there probably aren't easy solutions but there are solutions.

That deserves to be repeated over, and over, and over again, every day!

 

[thardey]

Its really a shame, because I'm sure there are alot of people out there who're victims of domestic violence, that are too afraid to call for help. They're afraid of drawing attention to themselves when the cops show up, they're afraid of being kicked out of their apt, if they're renters, they're afraid of retaliation from the abuser, and they're afraid that nobody will believe them.

Personally, I don't see why DCF would take her kids. I could see if they were being abused by both parties, then yes, by all means, get them the hell out of there. But, if she is the victim, then not only should the kids be removed from that environment, but so should she.

Its also a shame because this woman, despite all this abuse, honestly felt like things would change. I'm sorry, but I dont understand how someone who beats the crap out of you, could love anyone.

If people want help, the first step is admitting that they need it. Dropping the restraining order was a mistake and probably one that contributed to her death. Sadly, they really do think that things will get better.

Something that surprised me about DCS/DCF, is that in Oregon, once a complaint has been filed, the child automatically becomes a temporary ward of the State until the case is closed. However this does not mean that they take the child out of the home unless there is something obviously dangerous. I didn't realize before that there was a difference.

That is, the State becomes the legal guardian, but often the parents retain custody, sort of as a foster parent for their own kids, until the case is resolved. In that case, the kids don't even realize that anything is different. I wonder if parents would be more willing to report this stuff if they realized that even if the State "takes guardianship," the mothers probably won't "lose" their kids. With the right people helping, DCS can actually become a huge ally for the abused.

From how it was explained to me, it protects the victim from threats and whatnot, because the State sort of says, "Tell them to blame it on us, and we say no, the abuser can't be alone with this kid."

Of course, it doesn't always work that well, I mean, this is the government we're talking about. But it's not the "haul the kids away to a foster home" unthinking machine that I always thought it was.

 

[MJS]

Something that surprised me about DCS/DCF, is that in Oregon, once a complaint has been filed, the child automatically becomes a temporary ward of the State until the case is closed. However this does not mean that they take the child out of the home unless there is something obviously dangerous. I didn't realize before that there was a difference.

That is, the State becomes the legal guardian, but often the parents retain custody, sort of as a foster parent for their own kids, until the case is resolved. In that case, the kids don't even realize that anything is different. I wonder if parents would be more willing to report this stuff if they realized that even if the State "takes guardianship," the mothers probably won't "lose" their kids. With the right people helping, DCS can actually become a huge ally for the abused.

From how it was explained to me, it protects the victim from threats and whatnot, because the State sort of says, "Tell them to blame it on us, and we say no, the abuser can't be alone with this kid."

Of course, it doesn't always work that well, I mean, this is the government we're talking about. But it's not the "haul the kids away to a foster home" unthinking machine that I always thought it was.

Thanks for that info. I found it very interesting.