Responsibility and Helicopter Parents in Children's Classes

[Aiden_01]

I've been teaching for around 10 years now. And something I've noticed over those 10 years is that kids are progressively getting less responsible and harder to handle. More than likely because their parents are trying to take all of the responsibility for them.

Obviously a 7 year old is going to not practice or forget to bring all of their equipment from time to time. That's expected and understandable. My current issue is that they don't seem to care that they're not prepared. There are 9 and 10 year old who don't bring mouth guards to class and tell me its their dads fault for not packing it in the bag. Kids in the same age group looking at me and telling me they can't remember what they learned last week because they didn't practice and laughing about it. I've even had 14 year olds say its not their fault that they didn't practice because their parents didn't make them.

Then the parents make excuses for the behavior. Laughing that their child is such a trouble student, telling them to just not tell me they don't have a mouth guard and maybe I won't notice, and saying that making the kids do pushups or run laps for it is inappropriate because its not their responsibility.

As I said before, I excuse occasional forgetfulness because they're little kids. But I feel that at the age of 7 or 8, they shouldn't be forgetting mouth guards and belts or coming in wearing the top of their uniform with a pair of shorts because they lost them almost every single class.

Is anyone else having this issue or do I just have an especially difficult group of kids and parents? What do you think its the appropriate way to handle the issue?

 

[jks9199]

Unfortunately, this is something you see in a lot of places. It's gotten so bad some schools have notified parents that they are not to deliver forgotten items to the school, and that if they try to, the items will sit in the principal's office and not be delivered.

I think a lot can be done by the tone you set. Make it clear to the students (age appropriately, of course) that you don't accept that excuse. Bringing their equipment, practicing outside of class, etc. is not their parent's job -- it's the student's job. For the youngest, the discipline might be as simple as sitting out the exercise in question. No mouthguard, no sparring. Maybe stick 'em in a corner with a black belt and drill a form repeatedly during the sparring portion. Older kids might find themselves sitting out an entire class. If they can't remember a form they've been working on because they didn't practice, maybe you need to review all the lower forms with them instead of moving on...

One side note on the older kids and laughing about forgetfulness... That laughter could be a way of displacing or deflecting their embarrassment... Some people just plain have trouble learning and remembering forms, and they may just be covering for that by "blowing it off." That takes a different approach to helping them...

 

[Aiden_01]

This is essentially the approach I've been trying to take with it. I just had no idea that so many parents would consider it unreasonable. And I don't have kids so of course they think I just don't understand children at all. Leads me to wonder if other instructors would handle it differently or if the parents are just not wanting their children disciplined at all.

I am glad to know that at least its not just my studio that's having this problem. I was starting to wonder what I was doing to cause this craziness.

 

[hoshin1600]

in the time i was teaching kids i came to the conclusion that every problem the child has is a direct result of the parents. i would take a different view on the problem. its the parents. i would not want to punish the child for the parents failure. make sure its the parents that feel the punishment not the kids.. child shows up with no Gi bottoms,, get a new pair out of the supply closet and charge the parent for them.

 

[MI_martialist]

Never teach children because they all have parents!!

 

[hoshin1600]

while we want the child to learn responsibility, it starts at home. how can a parent allow their child to leave the house and go to class without the things that are required? i would never allow that to happen. however its the instructor that sets the tone. if you have been a door mat for years it will be difficult to change that. as the instructor its "your house, your rules" but it takes a strong person to enforce that with the parents. remember its the parents not the kids in most cases. this is really a management issue for you.

 

[hoshin1600]

think like Cecar Millan "The dog whisperer" he says he teaches dogs and trains the owners. so in this case i would teach the child and train the parent. i would always give the parent a list of expectations and consequences. many parents will not be able to meet these expectations and to them i would wish them well in finding a new dojo. the standard and habit of behavior by both parent and child must be reinforced and done equally for all. i learnt that behavior is 90% done by habit. it is up to the instructor to create the correct habit.

 

[Aiden_01]

while we want the child to learn responsibility, it starts at home. how can a parent allow their child to leave the house and go to class without the things that are required? i would never allow that to happen. however its the instructor that sets the tone. if you have been a door mat for years it will be difficult to change that. as the instructor its "your house, your rules" but it takes a strong person to enforce that with the parents. remember its the parents not the kids in most cases. this is really a management issue for you.

I do agree that parents are partially to blame. However, I think that an 8 or 9 year old that's been in class for a while ( not referring to new students ) knows that they need their pants and shouldn't be forgetting them on a regular basis. Also, most kids don't care of their parents are inconvenienced. A lot of my little kids have siblings who are 14 or 15 and still blame their parents when they don't have their things because their parents are always willing to take all the blame.

 

[kuniggety]

As someone with two boys: 5 and 8, I thought I'd chime in. My 8 yo has done BJJ, swimming lessons, and more recently tennis. He can't be relied on to remember anything. He is extremely absent minded. I don't think his younger brother will be as much of an issue. The point is that no kid is alike and, especially at a young age like that, it's difficult to have a blanket expectation. Is having them do push-ups going to help them remember to bring their mouth guard? Actually, probably not. Does that mean there should be no discipline? No, there absolutely should be... Especially for any actions in the classroom. Teenagers? That's another story... Their bodies have matured to the point they can start making babies. It's pretty reasonable to expect them to remember some pants.

 

[Kenposcholar]

Unfortunately, this is something you see in a lot of places. It's gotten so bad some schools have notified parents that they are not to deliver forgotten items to the school, and that if they try to, the items will sit in the principal's office and not be delivered.

I think a lot can be done by the tone you set. Make it clear to the students (age appropriately, of course) that you don't accept that excuse. Bringing their equipment, practicing outside of class, etc. is not their parent's job -- it's the student's job. For the youngest, the discipline might be as simple as sitting out the exercise in question. No mouthguard, no sparring. Maybe stick 'em in a corner with a black belt and drill a form repeatedly during the sparring portion. Older kids might find themselves sitting out an entire class. If they can't remember a form they've been working on because they didn't practice, maybe you need to review all the lower forms with them instead of moving on...

One side note on the older kids and laughing about forgetfulness... That laughter could be a way of displacing or deflecting their embarrassment... Some people just plain have trouble learning and remembering forms, and they may just be covering for that by "blowing it off." That takes a different approach to helping them...

User JKS9199 hit the nail in the head in his response!

I've been working with kids for a few years now at an American Kenpo school. Functionally, all an instructor can do is help guide a child's behavior outside the classroom. In our school we have problems with children who repeatedly forget their equipment, blame their parents, and care very little. The best resolution that we have found is to sit kids out of activities, talking to them AND their parents about personal responsibility, as well as not providing temporary equipment from the school. Teaching children how to take personal responsibility is one of our key goals in training.

If anyone has any tips on getting kids to train on their own, please let me know.

 

[hoshin1600]

one thing to keep in mind is that as instructors you have no idea what the home life is like. you never know what happens outside of the dojo. i remember one time my instructor had a child student and father who stopped showing up and the parent wasn't paying anymore. he was kinda mad that they didnt even have the courtesy to let him know that Johnny and dad were not going to be there anymore. some months later the dad showed up. my instructor was about to give him a piece of his mind about it..as the father explained johnny had an issue with his brain and had passed away. but that one of johnnies greatest moments was when he got his yellow belt.
you never know... there are students who are abused and treated horrible at home and then they come to their one haven and get yelled at by their instructors because they dont have gi bottoms.
if dealing with kids and the problems involved with it upset you, i would suggest to get out of it your not doing anyone a favor.

 

[hoshin1600]

If anyone has any tips on getting kids to train on their own, please let me know.

uh yeah... dont think that is going to happen. ive been training for over 30 years and i still cant train by myself at home.

 

[Danny T]

How often do you teach teens and/or adults and have to cover the same material several times before they get it?
When it comes to teaching children there are many different concerns that have to be addressed over and over before they learn and grow into responsible teens or adults. (teens and adults have issues as well)
Teaching children takes a large amount of time, energy, patience, and constant repetition of what we what them to do and act.

 

[hoshin1600]

This is essentially the approach I've been trying to take with it. I just had no idea that so many parents would consider it unreasonable. And I don't have kids so of course they think I just don't understand children at all. Leads me to wonder if other instructors would handle it differently or if the parents are just not wanting their children disciplined at all.

I am glad to know that at least its not just my studio that's having this problem. I was starting to wonder what I was doing to cause this craziness.

i dont know where you are located but i do know that more and more people are falling into that entitlement attitude. i think that plays into the deflection of responsiblity.

 

[JowGaWolf]

I've been teaching for around 10 years now. And something I've noticed over those 10 years is that kids are progressively getting less responsible and harder to handle. More than likely because their parents are trying to take all of the responsibility for them.

Obviously a 7 year old is going to not practice or forget to bring all of their equipment from time to time. That's expected and understandable. My current issue is that they don't seem to care that they're not prepared. There are 9 and 10 year old who don't bring mouth guards to class and tell me its their dads fault for not packing it in the bag. Kids in the same age group looking at me and telling me they can't remember what they learned last week because they didn't practice and laughing about it. I've even had 14 year olds say its not their fault that they didn't practice because their parents didn't make them.

Then the parents make excuses for the behavior. Laughing that their child is such a trouble student, telling them to just not tell me they don't have a mouth guard and maybe I won't notice, and saying that making the kids do pushups or run laps for it is inappropriate because its not their responsibility.

As I said before, I excuse occasional forgetfulness because they're little kids. But I feel that at the age of 7 or 8, they shouldn't be forgetting mouth guards and belts or coming in wearing the top of their uniform with a pair of shorts because they lost them almost every single class.

Is anyone else having this issue or do I just have an especially difficult group of kids and parents? What do you think its the appropriate way to handle the issue?

I got 99 problems but this ain't one

 

[Andrew Green]

There are 9 and 10 year old who don't bring mouth guards to class and tell me its their dads fault for not packing it in the bag.

This is all going be in how you set the tone. Don't let them deflect it to their parents, they are responsible for their own things. Teaching responsibility is in the marketing materials of 99% of martial arts schools, so do it. If they don't have their gear, they can't do the things that require that gear. You can't lend them a extra mouthguard, so if they forget it they don't spar. Teach them from day one that you don't accept deflecting responsibility for their own things.

Kids in the same age group looking at me and telling me they can't remember what they learned last week because they didn't practice and laughing about it. I've even had 14 year olds say its not their fault that they didn't practice because their parents didn't make them.

Well, you have a couple options. Getting kids to practice is hard, and it's not something they are as expected to do in a lot of other activities. They don't get told to go home and practice if they are in swimming classes, so one option is to design your curriculum and the way you teach it under the assumption that they will not practice at home.

The other option is design it into the curriculum that they have to practice, and have some form of accountability. Get them to keep a log that is monitored and part of your graduation requirements. Or separate the group that didn't practice to go and do their practice while the ones that did do something fun in class.

But if the accountability system you are using to get them to practice is parents, and your parents are unreliable put something in place that is all up to the kids.

Then the parents make excuses for the behavior. Laughing that their child is such a trouble student, telling them to just not tell me they don't have a mouth guard and maybe I won't notice,

That is a huge safety concern, do not tolerate that even slightly.

and saying that making the kids do pushups or run laps for it is inappropriate because its not their responsibility.

It is, why would you make exercise, something that you are supposed to get them to like and make a part of their lifestyle, a punishment?

As I said before, I excuse occasional forgetfulness because they're little kids. But I feel that at the age of 7 or 8, they shouldn't be forgetting mouth guards and belts or coming in wearing the top of their uniform with a pair of shorts because they lost them almost every single class.

It's just a matter of setting the tone, if this is happening all the time it's on you as the instructor to figure out how to correct it, or rework it into a setup that is not a problem. Do you think a parent would consistently forget a kids helmut or skates for hockey practice?

But one thing to keep in mind, you are still a service business. You can't teach a child anything if they quit because they feel bad because they keep getting punished for forgetting things and not practicing. Improve the service in a way that solves the problem for you. Maybe it just means keeping a electric kettle and a stack of $3 mouthguard on hand, if someone forgets theirs they can buy a cheap one and go.

 

[hoshin1600]

Getting kids to practice is hard, and it's not something they are as expected to do in a lot of other activities. They don't get told to go home and practice if they are in swimming classes, so one option is to design your curriculum and the way you teach it under the assumption that they will not practice at home.

exactly.... even as an adult i am not going to practice at home. i come to a class for practice. if i wanted to study at home i would watch some videos and save myself the monthly dues. children have a ton of home work and other schedualed activities and the parents have other time contraints. a martial arts program is last on my list as a parent to have my child practice at home. instructors should keep in mind most students do martial arts as an activity and really couldnt care less if they did karate or soccer.

one thing to keep in mind, you are still a service business.

yes you are a business. this is why i suggest having a contract type paper on what is expected of both parties and anything the student is missing replace it on the spot and send out the bill!!!! in time there will be 50 mouth guards sitting on the parents kitchen counter and they wont be forgotten anymore and if it is you will make another $5.00.

 

[JR 137]

I'm a 40 year old middle school science teacher at a private school, so keep those things in mind...

This generation of kids is far different than mine. Way too many distractions. We've become an ADD society. Electronics such as smartphones, iPads and the like have really drained kids' (and adults') attention spans. Add to that that kids don't do one thing anymore. When I was a kid, there was soccer season. Then there was wrestling season. We weren't carted from one activity to the next. Maybe our parents mixed in a once a week thing into there, but it was pretty rare. We came home, did our homework, then went to practice or played outside. Kids today are carted from soccer to karate to something else, all in the same night.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If the kid is a mess, it's shocking if the parents aren't too. Furthermore, it's always someone else's fault. The kid is failing in school? It's the teacher's fault. Forget that the kid takes one or two days off per week. Forget that the kid isn't doing his or her homework because something else is more important. The kid is acting up in class? It's the teacher's fault for not structuring the class the right way. When they're at school, they're the teacher's problem, not the parents' problem.

Kids are kids. They forget things. They do stupid stuff. Don't let that be an excuse, but don't forget it either. Kids will get away with whatever their parents allow them to. And they know exactly what they can and can't get away with. Even my 3 year old daughter has this figured out.

Edit: I forgot to say that make your rules, and follow them. Don't waver, but don't make a production out of it either. For example, a 12 year old kid forgot his belt yesterday. He got a new bag, and forgot to put it in. He came out of the locker room and informed my CI he didn't have it and why. He started with "my father..." and my CI politely cut him off saying "it's your belt, not your father's." He took a white belt out of a drawer and said "use this one today." Problem and situation over. If he'd have argued, which he wouldn't, my CI probably would have said he can't take class.

Another kid didn't bring his mouthpiece. My CI simply said "no one spars without a mouthpiece. Make sure you bring it next time." The kid watched everyone else spar. Nothing more was said nor needed to be said.

Don't make a big deal about things, but don't let them slide either. Once they know you're not going to go back and forth with them and you're not going to change your decision, it'll end. If it doesn't, send them back to their parents. If the parents have a problem with it, calmly explain why the policy is in place and walk away.