Hello Kempoguy,
Anger is something that interests me a lot so please forgive this rather long-winded post. I am writing this in response only to your original post so I recognise that some of what I say may entirely be off target as I do not know you or your background. So apologies if what I say misjudges your intentions.
It sounds to me that you already have a lot of coping mechanisms in place for your anger. You mention that you use the martial arts and punch bags to channel the angry energy and the fact that fear of punishment in your younger years kept your temper in check indicates, that even when you are angry, you are able to recognise and balance the potential consequences of your reactions. This requires the ability to control emotions and requires you to engage in positive self talk, so you do already have the skills needed to manage these situations.
From the situation you describe it is clear that you did not have much time to control the intense emotion that you felt on hearing that your friend had been assaulted and this could indicate that, rather than strategies to deal with anger, you may need to spend some time developing more awareness of the triggers to your anger and where these feelings really come from for you. By doing that it will allow you more time to consider using some of the strategies that you already have in place and may also help you learn to shift your perceptions on what is an acceptable response to anger.
Anger is the feeling we experience when events in our world are not going according to our plans or rules. We have an idea of how things, events and people should be and when they donÂ’t meet our expectations we get angry and feel quite justified in our anger. I think that, from the example you have given, an important shift in thinking for you would be remembering that the world does not and will not run by one personÂ’s rules. The world is quite chaotic and peopled by people with different standards, rules, values, and behaviours from our own. ItÂ’s about recognising what is within our zone of influence and what is not.
Sometimes anger is quite appropriate. It can be our final defence against allowing other people to manipulate or dominate us or people close to us. It can motivate us to take action against injustice. Anger is healthy when it is usefully channelled into appropriate action enabling us to survive, giving us the strength to fight back or flee when we are attacked or faced with an injustice.
It is entirely appropriate that you feel angry on behalf of your friend but use that anger as a motivating force for positive action – provide emotional support to your friend as she is the one who has been assaulted, your friend is the one who has to make the difficult decision as to whether she wants to press charges, offer sympathy and empathy and share her feelings of fear and injustice and remember that she has her own emotions to deal with following this incident without having to cope with an angry friend. Your friend will feel a lot safer if you appear calm and in control.
Some people hold beliefs that make it harder for them to bring their anger under control/ excuse anger or make anger seem like the only possible response. It is important to question these beliefs in order to overcome anger. I donÂ’t know if any of the beliefs below are any that you hold personally but spending some time thinking about what beliefs that you do hold may help save your car window screens!
I canÂ’t control my anger, my father was angry and it is something I inherited from him.
This is the belief that anger is something you canÂ’t change; it is part of your make-up; something you were born with. Some people are born with tendencies to be more emotional than others but the way you react to these emotions is learned and you can tackle your own angry behaviour be changing the way you respond to events and people.
If I donÂ’t let my anger out IÂ’ll explode.
This belief regards anger as an emotion that builds up like steam in a pressure cooker that needs an escape less it becomes harmful. Losing your temper could be seen as something healthy but people often feel much worse after losing control of anger.
If you donÂ’t show anger you must be a saint or a wimp.
This is an example of black and white thinking. If you are not angry and aggressive then you’re a hopeless wimp. The best way to deal with situations for yourself and others is not to be angry and out of control but to be firm, sure and in control – to be assertive.
My anger is something people fear and it stops them from taking advantage of me.
This belief sees anger as a protector and other people as dangerous. Perhaps this was
correct at some time in your life but this can cause problems – good friendships and relationships are not formed on fear and it could backfire where others with anger problems will see you as threatening and pick fights with you.
If I get angry it takes my anxiety away.
This belief is often found in people who have been the victims of violence or aggression. It is better to try and tackle your anxiety by facing what you fear and finding ways of overcoming it rather than exchanging one unpleasant emotion ( anxiety) for another ( anger)
IÂ’ll finish this ridiculously long post with some strategies that may help people control their feelings of anger. But like I said at the beginning you have already highlighted that you already have strategies that work.
1. Learn how to recognise the physical, mental, and behavioural warning signs of your angry feelings. Physical clues such as rapid heartbeat, clenching your jaw or fist, and muscle tension can be clues to escalating anger. These physical signals, in combination with anger-feeding thoughts and expectations, may be an early warning that we should “cool down,” adjust our expectations or attitudes, or simply walk away from a situation. Counter those physical sensations of anger by breathing deeply – in for 3 seconds and out for 3 seconds, hold your hands on your stomach and focus on the rising and falling of your body when breathing
2. Ask yourself if your anger is justified. Is it an overreaction to a situation that is beyond our control? Am I misplacing anger with myself onto others? Am I expecting too much of others and/or myself? Am I taking things too personally?
3. Talk, rather than act out your angry feelings. Talk to someone you trust and who is not involved in the event that triggered your anger. “Venting” or talking with a neutral friend or with a counsellor can help us get another perspective. Avoid venting with someone who fans your anger or encourages you to act on your angry feelings. Instead, choose someone who is cool-headed and able to help you move on.
4. Explore your options. What type of response is in your best interest? Play out different scenarios in your head and with someone you trust if possible, try to let go of the problem for a day or two. Do something physical (take a walk, play ball, exercise), but not violent, to relieve your stress. Let things cool down. Important decisions are best made when youÂ’re in a calm, rational frame of mind.
5. Recall what solutions worked for you in the past. Past experiences with successfully handling anger may hold the key to how to deal with a present situation. Remember that difficult feelings, no matter how strong, are always temporary. No matter how uncomfortable we may feel right now, it will go away. Acting impulsively, exploding, or sulking will only make matters worse. Remind yourself that you can deal with difficult feelings.
6. Reward yourself. When youÂ’ve successfully handled a difficult situation, pat yourself on the back and give yourself a healthy reward. Be proud that youÂ’ve been able to weather the storm.
I hope that this post hasnÂ’t been too off the mark and I recognise that some of what I have written will apply to you and your situation where as other things may not. I am just responding to what little information I have from your original post.