Methods to control temper

[KempoGuy06]

Dont know if this is the best spot for this thread but i know this section gets a lot of traffic so...here goes

Ive always had a bad temper even when I was younger but fear of punishment from my parents or school for the most part kept it in check. As high school came and went the temper was still there but it changed a little. Now as an adult Im not quick to lose my temper but when I do I go a little crazy. The MA's have really helped me to control it. If I ever find myself getting mad Ill do some forms or workout on the bag and that usually takes care of it....but this next story is not a noraal situation to get you mad, in fact it is quite sick.

I found out the other day that one of my good friends was beaten by her boyfriend. I havent seen her yet and I dont really know if I want to because Im scared of how I will act. There are few things in this world that absolutely set me off and this is one of them. She called me and told me about it. As soon as I hung up i busted the window out of my car (not smart I know but this is where my problem is). Know I now that this situation doesn't happen all the time but when they do I need some other way to keep my anger check (i dont want to buy anymore windows)

Does anyone have an suggestions?

B

 

[JadecloudAlchemist]

Being angry is normal and expressing it is also a normal a reaction.
For example if some stranger hits us for no reason it is normal to be angry and react in some manner. What happens to most people is something minor can cause them to overreact. In your case I think the majority would be angered by that situation. The best thing to do with anger is not so much controling it but to use that energy in a manner that it benefits you and others. Control over your emotions is not the easiest thing to do but with understanding of what makes them and knowing youself you are sure to sucess. I hope all works out for you and your friend.

 

[JBrainard]

I developed a slight anger problem a couple years ago (I think it came along with my manic depression manifesting itself/kicking in). I talked to a councelor about it, which didn't do much good. I figured out for myself that when I feel like I want to punch/throw someone/something, I just need to remove myself from the situation and do something to occupy my mind, thus calming myself down. Play a video game, take a nap, practice your martial arts, whatever works for you.
Regarding the specific situation with your friend, don't be a vigilante. Call the cops on her behaf. If my memory serves me, and hopefully this isn't only an Oregon law, the woman no longer has to press charges to get the dirtbag arrested and charged with domestic abuse. The only reason for you to step in is if she needs to be around him (like getting her **** and LEAVING) you could accompany her to keep her safe. Archtypical "wife beaters" are usually very insecure and are scared of fighting men. JUST DON'T THROW THE FIRST PUNCH if the **** hits the fan.
Hope this helps buddy.

 

[KempoGuy06]

Being angry is normal and expressing it is also a normal a reaction.
For example if some stranger hits us for no reason it is normal to be angry and react in some manner. What happens to most people is something minor can cause them to overreact. In your case I think the majority would be angered by that situation. The best thing to do with anger is not so much controling it but to use that energy in a manner that it benefits you and others. Control over your emotions is not the easiest thing to do but with understanding of what makes them and knowing youself you are sure to sucess. I hope all works out for you and your friend.

thanks. Maybe what I should have said is methods to vent my anger other than punching crap. I dont like having a broken and cut up hand.

B

 

[geezer]

As soon as I hung up i busted the window out of my car (not smart I know but this is where my problem is). Know I now that this situation doesn't happen all the time but when they do I need some other way to keep my anger check (i dont want to buy anymore windows)
Does anyone have an suggestions? B

Yeah-- I have a hot temper too, but I voluntarily went ot get some "anger management" training, and learned some techniques to pro-actively channel my outrage into productive rather than destructive action. I recommend that you get some counseling too. It may help keep you from ending up like that guy that beat up your friend. Or having a lot of broken windows, cut hands and a coronary some day.

 

[JBrainard]

thanks. Maybe what I should have said is methods to vent my anger other than punching crap. I dont like having a broken and cut up hand.

B

There is also a Buddhist philosophy that dealing with anger by punching things like pillows and heavy bags solves nothing, as you are still expressing your anger in a violent manner.
Here is something I found by surfing the web for a few minutes: http://www.deerparkmonastery.org/our_practice/anger.html

 

[YoungMan]

Relax, breathe, give yourself a few seconds to vent, and realize that usually whatever you're angry about means nothing in the grand scheme of things.
Also realize that anger and hatred are very self destructive emotions.
A coworker of mind had told me that he marvels at my ability to remain even tempered in situations when he'd fly off.

 

[charyuop]

You know, they say meditation helps alot with many things and that has been also proven medically. It seems it also helps with diabetes (in fact I found out they sell a machine for $300 that teaches you how to breath...maybe few classes of Tai Chi would do the same).

I won't be to esotheric. Try slowing down your breathing (abdominal breathing) up to reach an inhalation of 30 seconds and inhalation of 30 seconds. This way of breathing has direct affect on the blood circulation and amongst other things it stimulates calm.

 

[7starmarc]

I agree with the posters that recommend seeking a good counselor/anger management training. What is good? The one that works for you. This means you may have to try more than one methodology.

Martial arts, meditation, these things can help, but if you're punching windows, etc., you're engaging in self-destructive behavior which needs to be addressed.

Definitely do not confront this boyfriend in your current state, you put yourself at extreme risk of committing assault yourself. Empower your friend, call the cops, etc.

 

[still learning]

Hello, A few suggestions may help a little (here). In the long run? Try to find an anger mangement classes..or seek Professional HELP?

Anger is a learn response..usually learn at an early stage....(from bad role models) ...NOT solve overnight...because it took years to develop this anger response.

Anger gets you "attention" and creates fear among your peers....it has an effect that gets you lots of attention and trying to get YOUR WAY!

I too had a bad temper and every now and then...it shows up! I had learn to control most of it....by looking at things from the other point of view.

One realize this is not a GOOD behavior the "anger", one also learns to walk away and except what just happens.

WHEN YOU LEARN YOU CANNOT CHANGE THINGS THAT JUST HAPPENS.....I will work on how to solve the problems....like a car accident...getting mad does not solve the problem....contact police,insurance company will solve the situtions which we must live with.

ACCEPTING THINGS IN LIFE IS NOT PERFECT? Is one step to reduce the anger....

BUT: YOUR FIRST STEP TO ACCEPT THAT YOU WANT TO "CHANGE" YOUR ANGER WAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When you find yourself getting "angry"....accept it "the incident"...and think how can we make this better?

======================================================

When my kids were growing up they use to spill the milk/water or break something.....As a parent....we calmly say "Lets get the towel and wipe it up and then get another glass of milk/water.

If they break something? ...calmly say if "DAD" can fix it...or we must throw it away...

THE WHOLE IDEA WAS TO TEACH OUR KIDS...ACCIDENTS HAPPENS...NO NEED T0 GET MAD....TRY TO SOLVE IT AND MOVE ON!

Now that they are alot older they know and have no fear if something happens...and will work towards solving the problems.

Growing up? ...because of bad role models in life...makes our life harder to change.

Getting angry is a "CHILDRESS ACTION"...which many adults NEVER CHANGE!

ANGER IS A LEARN RESPONSE....JUST LIKING BLOCKING! OR CATCHING A BALL!

Aloha ( Never let anything....bother you....THEN YOU KNOW YOU HAVE BECOME A MATURE PERSON....glad my "wife" is like that!

 

[MA-Caver]

ANGER IS A LEARN RESPONSE....JUST LIKING BLOCKING! OR CATCHING A BALL!

Apparently this guy never learned that... :uhyeah:

 

[Big Don]

I call a friend and *****, that helps. Also, for some reason, just stepping into the Dojo calms me. If I'm down it picks me up, if I'm pissed it calms me...

 

[MA-Caver]

I call a friend and *****, that helps. Also, for some reason, just stepping into the Dojo calms me. If I'm down it picks me up, if I'm pissed it calms me...

Blessed are you to have someone like that. A rare find indeed. kudos :asian:

 

[jks9199]

Anger is not a learned reaction; your response to a source of anger is a learned reaction.

And if you let your anger control you -- then you're just barely along for the ride in your life.

Often, if you step back, take a breath, and look at what's making you so out-of-control angry, you'll realize a few things. First -- often, the immediate trigger is not the real reason for the reaction. Second -- even when it is, it's often something pretty silly. Third -- it's seldom worth the silliness of losing control. Finally -- it feels pretty good to be in control, instead of spinning around like a top.

 

[myusername]

Hello Kempoguy,

Anger is something that interests me a lot so please forgive this rather long-winded post. I am writing this in response only to your original post so I recognise that some of what I say may entirely be off target as I do not know you or your background. So apologies if what I say misjudges your intentions.

It sounds to me that you already have a lot of coping mechanisms in place for your anger. You mention that you use the martial arts and punch bags to channel the angry energy and the fact that fear of punishment in your younger years kept your temper in check indicates, that even when you are angry, you are able to recognise and balance the potential consequences of your reactions. This requires the ability to control emotions and requires you to engage in positive self talk, so you do already have the skills needed to manage these situations.

From the situation you describe it is clear that you did not have much time to control the intense emotion that you felt on hearing that your friend had been assaulted and this could indicate that, rather than strategies to deal with anger, you may need to spend some time developing more awareness of the triggers to your anger and where these feelings really come from for you. By doing that it will allow you more time to consider using some of the strategies that you already have in place and may also help you learn to shift your perceptions on what is an acceptable response to anger.

Anger is the feeling we experience when events in our world are not going according to our plans or rules. We have an idea of how things, events and people should be and when they don’t meet our expectations we get angry and feel quite justified in our anger. I think that, from the example you have given, an important shift in thinking for you would be remembering that the world does not and will not run by one person’s rules. The world is quite chaotic and peopled by people with different standards, rules, values, and behaviours from our own. It’s about recognising what is within our zone of influence and what is not.

Sometimes anger is quite appropriate. It can be our final defence against allowing other people to manipulate or dominate us or people close to us. It can motivate us to take action against injustice. Anger is healthy when it is usefully channelled into appropriate action enabling us to survive, giving us the strength to fight back or flee when we are attacked or faced with an injustice.

It is entirely appropriate that you feel angry on behalf of your friend but use that anger as a motivating force for positive action – provide emotional support to your friend as she is the one who has been assaulted, your friend is the one who has to make the difficult decision as to whether she wants to press charges, offer sympathy and empathy and share her feelings of fear and injustice and remember that she has her own emotions to deal with following this incident without having to cope with an angry friend. Your friend will feel a lot safer if you appear calm and in control.

Some people hold beliefs that make it harder for them to bring their anger under control/ excuse anger or make anger seem like the only possible response. It is important to question these beliefs in order to overcome anger. I don’t know if any of the beliefs below are any that you hold personally but spending some time thinking about what beliefs that you do hold may help save your car window screens!

I can’t control my anger, my father was angry and it is something I inherited from him.
This is the belief that anger is something you can’t change; it is part of your make-up; something you were born with. Some people are born with tendencies to be more emotional than others but the way you react to these emotions is learned and you can tackle your own angry behaviour be changing the way you respond to events and people.

If I don’t let my anger out I’ll explode.
This belief regards anger as an emotion that builds up like steam in a pressure cooker that needs an escape less it becomes harmful. Losing your temper could be seen as something healthy but people often feel much worse after losing control of anger.

If you don’t show anger you must be a saint or a wimp.
This is an example of black and white thinking. If you are not angry and aggressive then you’re a hopeless wimp. The best way to deal with situations for yourself and others is not to be angry and out of control but to be firm, sure and in control – to be assertive.

My anger is something people fear and it stops them from taking advantage of me.
This belief sees anger as a protector and other people as dangerous. Perhaps this was
correct at some time in your life but this can cause problems – good friendships and relationships are not formed on fear and it could backfire where others with anger problems will see you as threatening and pick fights with you.

If I get angry it takes my anxiety away.
This belief is often found in people who have been the victims of violence or aggression. It is better to try and tackle your anxiety by facing what you fear and finding ways of overcoming it rather than exchanging one unpleasant emotion ( anxiety) for another ( anger)

I’ll finish this ridiculously long post with some strategies that may help people control their feelings of anger. But like I said at the beginning you have already highlighted that you already have strategies that work.

1. Learn how to recognise the physical, mental, and behavioural warning signs of your angry feelings. Physical clues such as rapid heartbeat, clenching your jaw or fist, and muscle tension can be clues to escalating anger. These physical signals, in combination with anger-feeding thoughts and expectations, may be an early warning that we should “cool down,” adjust our expectations or attitudes, or simply walk away from a situation. Counter those physical sensations of anger by breathing deeply – in for 3 seconds and out for 3 seconds, hold your hands on your stomach and focus on the rising and falling of your body when breathing


2. Ask yourself if your anger is justified. Is it an overreaction to a situation that is beyond our control? Am I misplacing anger with myself onto others? Am I expecting too much of others and/or myself? Am I taking things too personally?


3. Talk, rather than act out your angry feelings. Talk to someone you trust and who is not involved in the event that triggered your anger. “Venting” or talking with a neutral friend or with a counsellor can help us get another perspective. Avoid venting with someone who fans your anger or encourages you to act on your angry feelings. Instead, choose someone who is cool-headed and able to help you move on.


4. Explore your options. What type of response is in your best interest? Play out different scenarios in your head and with someone you trust if possible, try to let go of the problem for a day or two. Do something physical (take a walk, play ball, exercise), but not violent, to relieve your stress. Let things cool down. Important decisions are best made when you’re in a calm, rational frame of mind.


5. Recall what solutions worked for you in the past. Past experiences with successfully handling anger may hold the key to how to deal with a present situation. Remember that difficult feelings, no matter how strong, are always temporary. No matter how uncomfortable we may feel right now, it will go away. Acting impulsively, exploding, or sulking will only make matters worse. Remind yourself that you can deal with difficult feelings.


6. Reward yourself. When you’ve successfully handled a difficult situation, pat yourself on the back and give yourself a healthy reward. Be proud that you’ve been able to weather the storm.

I hope that this post hasn’t been too off the mark and I recognise that some of what I have written will apply to you and your situation where as other things may not. I am just responding to what little information I have from your original post.

 

[Jade Tigress]

Some tips from an anger management article.

• Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."
• Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.
• Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.
• Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.

You may need to evaluate if you need counseling to handle this. If it's been a life-long disruption to your life, then that may be the way to go at this point. You don't want to get yourself in serious trouble. It sounds like you've been lucky so far in that regard. Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[still learning]

Hello, Anyone can change there "bad habits" ...like getting mad everytime something does not appeal to you!

Have you notice people who "NEVER gets angry? ...they learn to react with a more positive response.

Two people bumb into each other....one smiles and says sorry...other person may react the same...

If one person gets angey? ...and swears at the person? ...you can choose to react back the same or just smile and say "sorry" and move on...

Who wins here? who loses it? Always be the winner....let the other person keeps his anger in him....(not a good way to live).

Winners learn to react in a positive manner.....

Losers get mad..anger...and keeps that feeling in themselves...carrying this haterd every where they go....IS THIS HOW YOU WANT TO BE?

Learn to realize the world is NOT perfect...people are not perfect...we must learn to live in this world.

Aloha ( when I reach perfect....my clothes will fit well...?)


PS: Think of it this way....when you get angey or someone makes you mad? ....you lose!

Always work to be a "Winner"

 

[Guardian]

Some tips from an anger management article.



You may need to evaluate if you need counseling to handle this. If it's been a life-long disruption to your life, then that may be the way to go at this point. You don't want to get yourself in serious trouble. It sounds like you've been lucky so far in that regard. Good luck and keep us posted.

I would say if it's a continous problem, then this would be the right approach, counseling is not a defeat that you cannot handle it yourself, it's a guidance tool to find out about yourself and there is nothing wrong with that at all, life can put alot of stress on us in todays society with rush this or that and many other things. Seek a professional counselor and get this under control now before you either hurt yourself or someone else. It's not admitting defeat, it's admitting you have a problem and that's the first step to healing yourself and becoming a better individual if for nothing else but yourself.

Stay safe and be good.

 

[KempoGuy06]

thanks for the help everyone. Im think Im going to seek some professional help. Im having a bunch of family issues which is really stressing me out and Im almost to a breaking point over it. Thanks again and Ill let you know what happens.

B

 

[myusername]

thanks for the help everyone. Im think Im going to seek some professional help. Im having a bunch of family issues which is really stressing me out and Im almost to a breaking point over it. Thanks again and Ill let you know what happens.

B

Kudos to you KempoGuy, it takes a very strong person to admit when they need to make a change and then go out there and do something about it. :asian: Good luck and I hope things start feeling a lot better for you soon.