Eh, go ahead and look at it in the same light.
I found out last night that he has absolutely no intention of promoting me through Kukkiwon (the organization we're part of). He is promoting me only through his school. I will at least be getting a 4th degree black belt from another higher black belt (which is better than self-promotion), but it won't enable me to promote people within the organization.
He told me that if I want to get a Kukkiwon 4th degree, I need to either A) go to a Kukkiwon-run promotion test and receive my promotion directly from a Kukkiwon branch office, or B) open a branch office under him. I feel he's trying to strong-arm me. This is very counter to what I had believed, what he had told my Dad which is that he felt bad about how he treated our family when we decided to move away, and that he wanted to help me out.
He did offer to refund me the cost of the test if I decided to back out, but that doesn't refund my flight, my car rental, (I'm staying with friends so my lodging is free), my parent's travel to come watch. I had told my parents I was nervous about the test, and they assured me that he wouldn't have me fly all the way out and everything just to fail me. Well, he had me fly out and has no intention of giving me the certificate I was expecting. So I feel I was right to be nervous.
He blames it on a miscommunication we had when I last visited. I had said I want a certificate from him (mainly because I don't want to do self-promotion). He said I should get both his and Kukkiwon so I have options. He was trying to say that he said I should get USNTF in addition to his, not Kukkiwon, and that I can't get both his and another certificate at the same time. He also said I should have been clear and that the paperwork doesn't say I will get a Kukkiwon certificate. He is correct, but the testing material does include "Kukkiwon" as one of the Korean terms to know, and the application I filled out looked very similar to the Kukkiwon application (including asking for my current Dan number). And if he's a Kukkiwon school, how can I operate a branch under him and not be Kukkiwon myself (which is what he originally thought I wanted)? I believed I was getting a Kukkiwon certificate, because I had no reason to believe I wasn't. He says I should have asked and made sure.
I honestly feel betrayed and devastated by him. My parents are coming up to watch me test. I want to reach out to them for advice, but at the same time I think I'm still going to go through with the test, and I'd rather not make things awkward while they're here. I think instead I'll tell them afterwards what happened. I think my relationship with him is done after this. I feel like he's not trying to help me, but he's trying to help himself. I'm also noticing more and more cult-like behaviors in the way he runs his school, the kinds of things he didn't do before or didn't do as often. I've had a strained relationship with him for some time. I was actually about to quit and find a new school, but the day I was going to tell him I was quitting is when COVID happened. By the time things normalized here, I was close enough to my 4th degree I wanted to see it through, but then I ended up moving before I was able to get it. (And the reason I moved away before I got it is because as soon as I told him I was moving, he stopped having time to give me private lessons, stopped teaching my testing material in the regular class, and it was clear to me I was never going to get it).
I don't know what this means for my future plans. I'm figuring I can either:
- Go to the Kukkiwon branch office to test for 4th degree and complete the instructor certification course, and then open up a Kukkiwon school. In this case, the 4th degree from this school doesn't help me (but it doesn't hurt me). I was going to have to go through them anyway to get the instructor certification course, so now I just have to go through them for both.
- Use his 4th degree to help legitimize when I open my own unaffiliated Taekwondo school. I would rework my curriculum a bit. My belt order is common in Kukkiwon schools, so I would change it to something different. I also have decided to go with the Taegeuks, but if I go this route, I would create my own forms based more on my curriculum and the way I like forms to look.
- Use his 4th degree to help legitimize opening a school in my own (currently unnamed) martial art. To be honest, I love Taekwondo, but I'm sick of the internal politics and the reputation it has earned for mcdojos and cultish behavior. This currently unnamed martial art would have the exact same curriculum as if I went with Option #2.
- Quit Taekwondo entirely and go with Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I would be disappointed to leave behind the kicks, the TKD-style sparring, and the forms, but honestly I think I might be happier this way. My BJJ Professor wants me to run the next branch he opens, and he is much easier to work under than my TKD Master is. I wouldn't mind running a branch under him, or eventually running my own. I won't be able to make as much money from running his gym than running my own, but this would probably be a good option for me if I also have a day job to pay the mortgage. I am going to need one anyway for the first few years I run my school (until I have enough students to turn a decent profit), so this isn't much of a setback.
If I do go with Option 2 or Option 3, I run into a similar problem I had before regarding my rank progression and what it means for my students' ceiling. I would at least be a 4th degree instead of a 3rd degree, but I wouldn't have a path forward to 5th. If I don't have a path forward to 5th, then my students don't have a path to 4th, my grand-students don't have a path to 3rd, my great-grand-students don't have a path to 2nd...but that's a problem for future Skribs. At least I would have a 4th degree from a qualified 3rd party, which fixes my immediate problem. I do believe self-promotion is a bad idea, and I believe that promotion through a committee of underlings (
as was suggested in this wonderful thread from last year) requires that the lower belts promoting an upper belt should at least be Masters themselves, which means I would need to at least be a 5th degree to promote them to 4th degree, in order for them to turn around and (as a group) promote me higher.
I also run into the issue that with Option 2 or Option 3, my students would be unable to compete at a high level in TKD national or international competitions (without a Kukkiwon certificate you cannot compete in official WT events), and their rank would not be accepted at Kukkiwon schools (assuming they left and joined a school that is affiliated). I honestly think both of these things are very low percentage, but if these things do happen, I don't want to be the reason my students are licitly unqualified even though they are functionally capable. This is a big part of the reason I had changed my mind and wanted to go with Kukkiwon.
At the same time, I currently have no personal relationship with Kukkiwon. I have tried reaching out to the Kukkiwon branch office and haven't heard back. I've had trouble getting in touch with other branches as well. I honestly don't think Kukkiwon is in my future. I am trying to pursue this, but I feel as an American without a Master, Kukkiwon may not look too fondly on me. I've heard plenty of times that Koreans don't have much respect for Americans, both from Koreans and Americans. I know my first Master (when I was a kid) had a hard time getting qualified at the time. I've heard that people get black belts faster in Korea than in America because of the reputation Americans have for being lazy. I've not had much luck with them so far, I don't know that I would have much luck with them going forward.
The one thing I do know is that there is now a timed life on my relationship with my TKD Master. I'm going to put on a good face for the next week. I'll get my black belt, smile for the cameras. But after this, I don't see how our relationship can recover. I have more reasons to walk out on him now than I did in early 2020. The point of reconciling is to make those reasons less. And he tries to spin this as if he's doing favors for me and I should be lucky and grateful for what he is doing.
I've got a lot to figure out. I've got to get through the next week with a good face even though I'm dying inside. I just need to grit and bear it through the graduation, and then figure out my next steps from here.