Hello Em,
Others have given good advice and helpful guidance, and perhaps you should seek professional help through a source which considers your financial situation.
In the mean time, since your apparent dilemma sounds rather serious, I am going to talk to you as a Master Instructor - - the way I would talk to one of my students. :mst:
I'm going through a tough time
You are not alone. I don't mean to diminish your experience, but you must realize that many others have gone through, and are currently going through very similar trials in life. Take comfort knowing that the hard times will pass, and things will get better no matter how bleak they may look at any time in the present.
and find it difficult to keep my frustration in check.
finding things "difficult" does not make them impossible. Frustration is based on a lack of options coupled with an unwillingness to accept things as they are, and a lack of patience. It is not bad or wrong to want to change things for the better, even if others in your life disagree with, or attempt to interfere with your desire to change. Also, keep in mind that it is perfectly ok, and sometime necessary, to accept things as they are for a temporary period, but be patient as you diligently seek viable options.
Or, perhaps you are doing the best you know how at this time, because you are capable of doing better. Don't blame yourself, or anyone else for what is not satisfactory in your life, but do take responsibility for how you react to it. Reacting with anger, violence, or aggression is inappropriate, impolite, and often counter-productive, and you
can do better than that!
why? What is control of your body? Answer: Your brain. Who controls your brain? Answer: You do. Think about this. A person who is nervous about entering a dark room because they are afraid of what is inside might shake with nerves. When the light comes on and they can see that there is nothing there to be concerned with, they don't shake. It was their fear of the unknown that fed into their irrational emotional concerns. Likewise, a person who gets angry at another person and begins to shake is not in control of themselves because they don't like not being in control of the situation or the other person.
RELAX! You CAN NOT control other people (free will), only influence them. You don't need to control every situation, just control your responses, and the choices you make concerning yourself. Sometimes the good of one choice for yourself conflicts with the good of another choice for someone else. These conflicts arise and must be dealt with, but through logic, and with calm emotions.
I've been unable to meditate,
"unable" means "not able." Are you really not able to concentrate, or is it "difficult." When concentration is difficult, get better at it. Practice focusing your mind. Practice letting go of issues for a period. Realize that the Earth will continue to rotate, and all things will not crumble if you are not tending to them. Be at peace with yourself for a period of time every morning, afternoon, and night. Enter your training hall with one purpose in mind... to clear your mind of all distracting thoughts and open your mind to becoming a better person. Easier said than done???
WRONG!!! Easier done that said!!! Don't talk about it... don't whine about it... just do it!
and feel like I'm inches from blowing up, screaming and putting holes in the walls.
Why? What good would that do? When has screaming and putting holes in the walls done anything positive to resolve an issue. I know! I used to do that - - learned it from my father. It scares people - - intimidates them. They might even back off and leave you alone for awhile, or cooperate with you out of
fear. Is that really what you want? (don't you dare say yes!). Don't be
that kind of person! Don't become the one known for being "unable to control" their temper. It is
your temper,
your emotions, and
your brain to control.
"Blowing up" is an expression that implies an explosion. You are not really going to "explode" like dynamite, even if you think it feels like you will. You are not! Not physically. Physically, things are not going the way you want them to (for whatever reason). Mentally, you do not seem to find any options to get things on track the way you want them, and others might not be cooperating with you. You don't know what to do about it! You want to leap into action, or force people to do what you want, or at least leave you alone to do things your way!!! Emotionally you want to be happy, but you don't feel happy because things are not going your way, so you want to speak your mind to others, or perhaps you are getting angry with yourself. Emotionally you are conflicted because you want to respond but are suppressing those emotions because they might make matters worse, or escalate arguments, hurt other people's feelings, and nothing seems to be getting worked out!
Things
will work out, in due time. Your anger, violence, and any emotional outbursts will not help the situation. Learn to express yourself to others calmly, honestly, and openly so they can know exactly what you are feeling, what you are not happy about, and why. Let them absorb it, and take time to work out a solution with you. Often times a compromise will help to move things along, but if you do not see their cooperation, then move things in a direction that you feel comfortable with regardless of how they feel about it. If possible, or when necessary, explain to others why you are choosing your course of action, but do so calmly, and politely. It is your life, and you are in control of it. But first, take control of yourself.
deep breathing doesn't help.
What do you expect deep breathing to do? Solve all your problems? Put your mind in the right place and make you calm? Remember this... nothing is going to "make" you calm (aside from drugs, and that is in severe cases under doctor's orders).
YOU have to choose to
BE calm. When you sit to meditate, you should stop thinking about the problems.... trust that you can get back to them later. Your top priority during meditation should not be to solve your problems, but to prepare your mind to handle conflict better. DEEP Breathing is good for your health. It helps to stimulate the brain. If you focus your mental concentration on picturing the air flowing into your lungs, doing wonderful, healthy, helpful things to your mind and body, then picturing it flowing back out again - - over, and over, and over, this becomes a focal point and a distraction so that you can relax and meditate properly. It is a
skill.
Practice it - -
daily!
I feel if I'm unable to be there I shouldn't go but it's all I've got to take my mind off things (though, it doesn't seem to be working).
unable??? NO! You
are able to be there. What are you there for? To address your weaknesses, and become a better, stronger person. We all have flaws and faults. Don't be afraid to draw yours out to the surface for everyone to see. Be strong, be honest, and be brave. Train for the right reasons and use the time wisely. Hopefully, your instructor can help guide you through this so ask for a private conference.
Suggestion: Avoid using words like "I can't" or "I am unable to." They are limiting your options, and are generally not true and accurate. Keep an open mind, and a positive attitude. The grandfather clock is peaceful and continues to gently swing its pendulum back and forth, even in the midst of a violent storm. Be like the clock. Remain steady and calm.
I am not judging you, and my interpretation, which is based on what you have said thus far, might be completely off. It is based in Martial Art philosophy and not to be construed as professional mental health advice. If my input helps, then great! If not, perhaps it will help someone else along the way. Either way, I'm not going to get angry, depressed, or upset about it.
If you would like to PM me about this, feel free to do so.
Chief Master D.J. Eisenhart
