Jokes

Things you would never know without the movies

1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to
visit a strip club at least once.

2. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

3. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up
to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the
man lying beside her.

4. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world
expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.

5. Being a computer programmer means that you recognize and know all
backdoors to any kind of software on any kind of computer
in any timecritical moment.

6. Being a detective means that you always find the killer just the minute
before the criminal is about to commit some new horrifying crime.

7. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and
you can travel to any other part of the building you want
without difficulty.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it
will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent
will do.

9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

10. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen
at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light
instead.

11. If in a black room: light one candle, it will be sufficient light
for the whole room.

12. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

13. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

14. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man
invulnerable to bullets.

15. If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that
could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for
goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright
and pant.

17. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

18. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with
large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to
go off.

19. When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

20. When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm
and wisecracks are your best weapons.

21. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them
than 20 men firing at 1 man.

22. Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be
investigated more closely.

23. If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath.
German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

24. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

25. Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings
from international terrorist organizations - even though the job
will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their
own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.

26. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially
if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating
accident.

27. All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of
software.

28. Important data that terrorists want to get their hands on
is always stored on ONE floppy disk only.
It is not possible for the hero to make a backup of that floppy.

29. Anyone typing on a computer when someone is looking over their
shoulder type everything perfectly without having to use backspace.

30. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make
sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.

31. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to
each other.

32. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal
damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

33. When police arrive to a crime scene finding one man standing alone with
fires all around him, loads of dead men and money flying around in the wind;
there is only one possiblity: that man has to one of the good ones so
there is no need to arrest him or question him further.

34. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

35. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in
seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a
child trapped inside.

36. You can tell if somebody is British because they will be
wearing a bow tie.

37. When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but
at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the
entire journey.

38. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will
cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

39. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned
down three days before their retirement.

40. The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely
they will fall in love.

41. Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's
eighth birthday.
 
Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean,
looking for something to do. They came up underneath
a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first sea
monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and
ate everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship, again
hauling potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats
everything onboard.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and
Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep
tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating
everything on board?"

Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself
once I start. Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."
 
A turtle is mugged by three snails. When asked by police to give a descriptiion of what happened, he replies: "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
 
A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his butt.

Police suspect a cereal killer.
 
Two Tree's are confused....

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow betweenthem. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch." The other says that he cannot tell.

So a woodpecker lands on the small tree. The big tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, gentlemen, is the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker in!"
 
An average guy survives a shipwreck, and ends up on a beautiful but deserted tropical Island. A week later, he spots a private lear Jet which crashes into the sea. Low and behold, his dream girl, Carmen Electra, floats to shore. He revives her.

Outside of this man and Carmen Electra, there were no other survivors from the crash. So these two work together to build shelter, hunt, fish, and gather fruit and vegetables. This Island is a paradise, though; and food is plentiful and the weather is great. So it didn't take much effort for them to learn how to survive, so soon they were living in paradise with a ton of leasure time.

Being the only man and woman on the island, naturally they fall madly in love. For this average guy this is like a dream come true, for under normal circumstances he wouldn't even be able to get a woman like Carmen to even look at him. She becomes very dedicated to him, and she will do anything to please him. They spend the next 6 months living in paradise, and making love at least nightly.

After a while, Carmen Electra notices that her new mate was starting to act irritable and unsatisfied. So she asks, "Honey, you seem unsatisfied? I am in paradise here with you, and I want you to be happy. What can I do to make you happy?" The man replies, "Oh honey, I don't know if you can help....." "Please Honey, I'll do anything you ask....just tell me what I can do."She pleads.

So the man thinks for a good couple of minutes, then all of a sudden, the lightbulb goes on! "Carmen! I know what you can Do!"

"Yes Honey, Anything!"

So he takes some of his old clothes from the wreck, "Here, Carmen, put some of my clothes on, and tuck your hair into this baseball cap." Then he takes some ash from the camp-fire, " Also, put some ash under your nose and on your chin, so it'll look like a mans whiskers." She looks at him in a very confused manner, but does as he asks. Now she resembles a man.

"Now, Carmen, Walk in that direction [points] around the perimiter of the island"

She asks, "Honey, are you sure this is what will satisfy you?"

"Trust me, it will!" He replies. So she begins walking around the perimiter of the island.The man walks around the perimiter in the opposite direction.

When he runs into her on the other side of the island he says,
"Hey dude! You'll never guess who I'm bangin'!"

:rofl:

Paul

P.S. Yes, I know...all that reading for that lame @$$ punchline. Ah well, what-r-u-gonna-do? :shrug: :D
 
:D

Here's male shovenism at its finest:

What does a battered woman do after she gets out of the battered womans clinic?

The dishes, If she know what's good for her!

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothin.....you already told her twice!

:rolleyes: :rofl:

Paul

P.S. Forgive me.....I think piggy male jokes are funny...but thats just me.:)
 
Some old folks are on a bus tour. At one of the stops, an elderly woman tells the driver she's been sexually harassed. Thinking the woman is delusional, the driver does nothing. A minute later, another woman comes up to the driver, complaining about sexual harassment. Deciding that there must be something to it, the driver goes to the back of the bus, where he finds an elderly man crawling about on the floor. "Can I help you, sir?" he asks. The old man replies, "I sure hope so. I lost my toupee a bit ago, and I've been looking for it. I thought twice that I had found it, but both of those were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side".

Trying to avoid life's potholes,
Randy Strausbaugh
 
Two drunks are shring a bottle on a park bench when a dog walks up and sits down in front of them and proceeds to start licking it's balls. "Man " says the one drunk "I sure wish I could do that". The other one says "Maybe you should try petting him first"
 
Top 10 Ways To Annoy Your Waiter

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check.
 
I Have A Microsoft Waiter


Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
 
o_O how bout this?

Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Mother Teresa, a college kid, and a pilot are all in a plane togeather. Suddenly, the engines die because the plane ran out of fuel.

At this point, there are four parachutes left.

The pilot runs out of the cockpit, grabs a parachute, says "I am the best pilot in the world, I deseve to live" and jumps out of the plane.

At this point, there are three parachutes left.

Michael Jordan qucikly grabs a parachute, says "I am the best basketball player in the world, I deserve to live!", and procedes to jump out of the plane.

At this point, there are two parachutes left.

Bill Gates grabs a parchute, says "I am the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" and jumps out of the plane.

After a moment, Mother Teresa says to the college kid: "Take the last parachute! Save yourself! I've lived a long, fruitful life. The Good Lord has chosen me to die now."

The college kid replied: "No he didn't! There are two parachutes left! The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack!!!"




* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I just like that one!
 
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.


You *must* scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.


The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.


Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.


Blur of motion, then --
Silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?


You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.


My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.


Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper?'


Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner.


I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?


Wanna go outside.
Oh, crap! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!


Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!


Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams.
My claws are not that sharp.


Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"


The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey."


In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hair ball somewhere
Will find in morning.


We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you.
Want to smell my butt?


The cat is not all
Bad - she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.
 
Originally posted by Seig
Have you been talking to Tess's cat?:rofl:

Noooo.... :uhoh:
hypocrite.gif
 
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