Golf joke

[Kreth]

A golfer is heading home after a round with the boys, and stops at the grocery store, to appease his better half. He walks out of the store, arms full of groceries, and realizes that he can't quite get to the keys to his Rolls Royce, in his pants pocket, and he's also leery of setting the bags on his car and possibly scratching the paint job.
So he glances around the parking lot and sees a young blonde about to get into her car a few spaces over. "Excuse me," he calls over, "I really hate to ask this, but could you possibly get my keys out of my pocket for me?" The blonde gives him a suspicious look, then realizes his situation and comes over. When she pulls the keys from his pocket, a pair of golf tees falls to the ground.
"What are those for?" she asks.
"Oh, the tees? They're to put my balls on when I drive."
The blonde looks amazed, and says, "Wow, those Rolls Royce people think of everything!"

 

[MA-Caver]

Heh... golf joke ... no... more like a BLONDE joke... hee hee

Try this one...

A man comes home from his regular golf game and his wife greets him at the door... "Hi, Honey! How was your game? It was longer than usual."
"Awful, just awful" he laments. "Right about the sixth hole, Tom drops dead from a heart-attack!"
His wife shocked, "That's terrible, so, that's why you were late?"
The man sits down and shakes his head, " yeah, I mean I had to hit the ball, drag Tom, hit the ball, drag Tom. ....."

 

[Kreth]

A guy sits down in a confession booth, "Bless me Father for I have sinned... I used the 'F' word. Not only that, but I took the Lord's name in vain."
"OK, my son," says the priest, "tell me what happened."
"Well, Father, I was out golfing with some friends this weekend, having a pretty good round, and then on #16, a mean par 5, I hit a wormburner off the tee good for about 30 yards."
"And then you used profanity, my son?" asks the priest.
"No padre, because a squirrel picked up my ball and took off up the fairway with it, and by the time he dropped it I was almost 350 yards down the fairway. But then I went to hit my next shot, should have been an easy chip, you know? Well, I shanked it, right into a tree. Not only that, but it stuck in a bird's nest."
"I see, my son, and that's when you took the Lord's name in vain?"
"No Father, it was the most amazing thing. There was a bird in the nest, and it grabbed my ball and flew towards the green. Then it dropped the ball, and would you believe it, the darn thing rolled to within 4 feet of the cup."
"Jesus Christ," yells the priest, "Don't tell me you missed the ****ing eagle putt!"

 

[terryl965]

They are too funny guys. Keep them coming I'm loving this.I'm a golfer but a pretty bad one at that.
Terry

 

[HKphooey]

Great one!!!!

 

[kid]

A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. <BR>

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."





Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"



Mark

 

[Kreth]

A pair of women are out on the course, and being just a twosome, they catch up to the foursome of men ahead of them. Since there's another group in front of the guys, the women opt not to play through.
All is well until the 5th hole, when one of the ladies rips a drive and is horrified to see it fly into the group of guys, who are just off the green. One of the men clutches a hand to his groin and doubles over, then falls to the ground.
The ladies jump into their cart and drive up to the men. The lady that hit the tee shot leaps out and runs over. "I'm terribly sorry, I've never hit one that far. I am a physical therapist, please let me give you a local massage to help ease the pain.
The guy gasps out, "No, I'm fine, really," but the woman persists. She gently removes his hand and begins to massage his groin. After a few minutes, she asks, "How does that feel?" He replies, "Fantastic, but my thumb is still killing me!"

 

[MA-Caver]

A man is sent to Japan on a very important business trip. When he arrives it's already in the evening and the meeting with a corporate CEO that will net his own company millions is in the morning.
With nothing to do after he settles down he decides to live a fantasy. He goes down to the hotel bar and discreetly asks around if there are any prositutes that can come to his room. There is and he arranges for the girl to come up.
Whilst in the middle of their love making the guy tries a new position and then the call girl suddenly cries out "Hashimoto!" The guy not able to speak any Japanese stops for a moment then thinks well, must be a good thing and continues. The call girl cries "HASHIMOTO! HASHIMOTO!" and the guy encouraged continues for all he's worth. When he's finished he rolls off and lays back, the girl gets up quickly and gets her money and leaves in a huff. Not noticing the guy simply falls asleep having left a wake up call when he arrived at the hotel earlier.

Next day the meeting goes better than anyone had a right to expect. The CEO was very impressed with the assertiveness of the man and sealed the deal. To celebrate the CEO invites the man out to the best resturant in the city for lunch and over conversation finds that the man is an avid golfer, and challenges him to a round.
At the course the CEO, the officers and the man are playing a great game of golf. At the Par 3 16th hole the CEO hits a long drive that miraculously goes to the green and rolls right into the cup. A hole in one. The officers and caddies all cheer the CEO. The man not knowing what to say suddenly remembers and cries out triumpantly... "HASHIMOTO!"
All stop, all become quiet. Then the interpreter walks over to the man who with a confused "uh-oh" look on his face and his hands still up in the air... asks the man...

"Why you say... wrong hole?"

 

[kid]

Kreth, caver great jokes guys. I myself am looking forward to golfing in a few weeks. Thanks for sharing the jokes and if you got more... keep them coming.

Mark

 

[bushidomartialarts]

two men go golfing.

first man tees off and hits a beautiful drive. it sails in a perfect arc to land within inches of the cup.

second man tees off and slices badly out into the rough. but even as the ball comes to rest, a rabbit comes out of a nearby hole and picks the it up in his mouth. it starts running towards the green only to be snatched up by a hunting eagle. the eagle soars off and as the rabbit dies it its claws, the ball falls from the rabbit's mouth to land an inch from the hole. a moment later, a mole pokes up right beneath the ball, dropping it into the cup for a hole in one.

jesus christ throws his club in the air, looks at the second golfer and says "dad, are we gonna play golf or are we gonna screw around?"

 

[shesulsa]

Of course there's the old joke about the high end American businessman who had never been to Japan on business and was afforded the company of a Geisha as a courtesy of his host. Throughout their lovemaking she repeatedly cried a certain Japanese phrase. Thinking she must be calling out great accolades of his prowess he committed the phrase to memory.

The next morning he was playing golf with his host. The score was close and on the 18th hole, the Japanese gentlemen made a perfect drive landing in a perfect spot on the green. The American shouted the Japanese phrase he recalled so keenly from the night before in praise of his counterpart's shot.

The Japanese gentlemen turned towards him slowly and said, "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"

 

[bushidomartialarts]

i believe that was even funnier the second time.

 

[FearlessFreep]

One day Moses and Jesus were playing golf. They were at the tee of a beautiful par 3, with a lake right in the middle of the fairway. Moses selects a 5 iron, tees-up his ball and swings. His ball sails very high and lands in the middle of the lake. He mutters to himself and tees-up a second ball, this time selecting a 4 iron. This shot was perfect; landing right in the middle of the green.

Jesus pauses for a moment to ponder his club selection. "Hmmmm..... Arnold Palmer would use this," he says as he picks up a 5 iron.

"But, Jesus. My 5 iron shot ended up in the lake. You should use a 4 iron!"

"Nope. Arnie would use a 5," insisted Jesus.

So, Jesus swings hard and alas his shot ends up in the middle of the lake too. Jesus strolls over to the lake and walks out on the water to retrieve his ball. As Jesus is walking on the water trying to locate his ball a foursome comes up to the tee, sees a man walking on the water and one of them exclaims, "Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?"

"No," explains Moses, "He is Jesus Christ. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."

 

[FearlessFreep]

[FONT=Arial, Arial, Helvetica] One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him
get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Arial, Helvetica] One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him
get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420-YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who is he going to tell?"[/FONT]

 

[FearlessFreep]

[FONT=arial,helvetica][SIZE=-1][FONT=arial,helvetica][SIZE=-1] Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.
[/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=arial,helvetica][SIZE=-1]Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica][SIZE=-1]The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=arial,helvetica][SIZE=-1]Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time." [/SIZE][/FONT]
[/SIZE][/FONT]

 

[Kreth]

15 posts and 2 duplicates already :lol:

 

[Kreth]

A guy has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she gives him the best oral sex he's ever had. The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation. This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason. "You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats. "You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!"

 

[shesulsa]

:rofl:

 

[Kreth]

A young man, his father and his grandfather were about to tee off to start their round when an incredibly good-looking woman walked up to the tee box.
"Would you like to join us and make a foursome?" asked the grandfather.
"I would, but on one condition," replied the lovely young woman. "I prefer to select my own clubs and make my own putts without advice from men. Every other time I've golfed with men, they try to give me advice. Will you agree not to give me advice?"
The men all consented in unison, none of them being particularly good players.
As they soon realized, this young woman was a fabulous golfer. She was getting par on every hole. The men were wondering who would have the nerve to give her advice!
On the eighteenth hole, the woman found herself facing a 35-foot putt for birdie, with a severe undulation on the green.
She studied it, and studied it, and studied it.
Finally, she said, "Gentlemen, I'm very happy that none of you tried to give me advice before this. I've never played a round with men when at least one of them didn't try to give me some advice. Right now, if I make this putt, I'll have a 69, which would be my personal best, and I'm asking for your advice. If one of you can help me make this putt, I'll give him the best sex he's ever had!"
The young man rushed over, studied the putt, and said, "You have to aim about 10 inches left, tap it and let it just roll down, that should be the right break!"
The father ran over and studied the putt, then said, "No, I think you should aim 12 inches left, and give it a good push. The greens have been slow today."
The grandfather walked up to the ball. "Hell," he said, calmly picking up the ball, "that's a gimme. See you boys later!"

 

[shesulsa]

Wisdom of age vs. the skill of youth ... no match. Good one!