The solution to the US problems

CanuckMA

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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II



In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God Save the Queen!
 

Tez3

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God Save the Queen!
 

WC_lun

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Funy :) I think reading this might cause some people's head to explode. It could never be done, of course. I mean giving up Football for Futball? Not very bloody likley!
 

Tez3

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Well theres always rugby though the USA team didn't make a good showing In New Zealand at the World Cup. It's the first time in decades of watching rugby that I've heard fans booing when an opposition team member was kicking for goal, we makes noises yes to try and put him off but booing? Come on America I thought you were more sporting than that.
 

Xue Sheng

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2 through 15 are ok, especially #9... but I am not so sure about 1 because of Mark Twain :D

A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
by Mark Twain
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be
replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the
alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch"
formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so
that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well
abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse
and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with
Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so
modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or
sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and
"x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch",
"sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl
riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking
werld.
 

Steve

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Caught some of that rugby tournament, and it didn't look very good for our guys. :(

Regarding the original post, I think it's very funny and the wit is certainly not lost on me. But I have to admit that while reading it, I kept thinking that Britain should get her own house in order before criticizing ours to severely. :)
 

Sukerkin

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Not seen that one for a while - much chortling :D.
 

elder999

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Caught some of that rugby tournament, and it didn't look very good for our guys. :(

Regarding the original post, I think it's very funny and the wit is certainly not lost on me. But I have to admit that while reading it, I kept thinking that Britain should get her own house in order before criticizing ours to severely. :)

Right on. In another thread Tez talked about how much more money we make over here. Couple that with a relatively high unemployment rate, and much higher tax rates, and I'd pass.

Never mind not knowing how to spell, playing pansy nancyboy games and calling them "sports," taking away our guns (From my cold, dead, hand, dammit!), raising our gas prices, etc., etc., etc.

Though I'm with you on "like" and "you know....." :lfao:
 

crushing

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Well theres always rugby though the USA team didn't make a good showing In New Zealand at the World Cup. It's the first time in decades of watching rugby that I've heard fans booing when an opposition team member was kicking for goal, we makes noises yes to try and put him off but booing? Come on America I thought you were more sporting than that.

Please tell us it wasn't the whistling type of booing, so it doesn't seem so awful.
 

granfire

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Sadly, the majority of people would not notice until they realize the eerie quiet for lack of campaign commercials!

:lfao:

(I am glad that it's Kansas HRM does not fancy...so Alabama is good...)
 

aedrasteia

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Canuck

can you finagle events so we may have Obligatory Pudding? please? lots and lots of lovely puddings? summer pudding? roly poly?
sticky toffee?? spotted dick? and cream teas? and double cream? and elevenses?... and...
 

aedrasteia

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and cheese.... Stilton and Wensleydale and Cheddar, and Caerphilly and Red Leicester and if possible Nigel Slater will come to America and help us.

Will you take back Gordon and Robert (Ramsey and Irvine)? and send Nigella and Tamsin Day Lewis to give me lessons if I'm very very good.

oh, and game... grouse of which we'll have lots.. and saddle of venison and rabbit and pheasant...oh and fish? salmon lots of salmon

we'll have Pie Week won't we??? Pie... lots of pie.

no canned peas - we're clear about that, right?
 

Rich Parsons

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I know it was meant tongue in ..., yet I would still ike to reply. ;)

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II



In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

The USA has loaned out lots of monies in the past. The Debt is mostly interest on those monies loaned out and not repaid as they went through a revolution and or a nationalization within their country.

1) The USA should collect all of its past debts. If necessary since the world already thinks of us as the bullies with force. Nothing works like a few tanks and planes flying over your cities to get peoples attention.

Side Note: Will the British Crown recognize those who fought to Stop major wars in Europe? Will they recognize those who died and have their families properly respected or compensated?

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

You know I grant this one with the exception of the "Z" and "S". We still need more ambiguity in the English Language, without it might be understandable. ;)

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

This is very true. I wish those I see on the British TV also speak intelligently and also speak with a vocabulary of that above 4th grade. But then we all pick and choose what we want to see and hear and respond too. * Looks innocently* :D

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

It still should be celebrated. If you take away the circuses (* Fireworks *) from the masses then they will notice the change.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

The Stats show more guns less crime. Not to turn this into a gun discussion, enough said there. But I agree that Lawyers and Therapists who prescribed nice little pills can eb a problem. Yet I find the single source legal system in the US for representation to be easier to undertand than those that can and cannot speak in court. ;)

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

If you give me a vegetable peeler, the world is mine! HEHEHEHEHEHEHE :p :D Especially if everyone else has nothing. (* Well except for the bad guys that sill will have weapons and guns. :( *)

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

I like roundabouts. They work. Driving one with a full sized van and a pop camper trailer when I was 15/16 in Boston area was fun as well. I was able get through make my lane changes and no one got hurt and no vehicles were damaged. Also no major backups other than what was already there when I appraoched.

Metric is no problem. I work and think in both measurement systems. Yet I would have thought there would be a problem with the Metre and the Metric system as I thought the British did not like things French. ;)

I have driven on the left hand side in New Zealand and on islands in the Caribean. I have done with right hand drive vehicles and also with left hand drive vehicles. I have even driven right on left and left on right. :D

Yet given the amount of roads in the world and the amount that drive on the left versus the right, I will bow to the majority, which I believe is the arguement being made for the Metric system usage. (* The Brits will need to get used to driving on the "Right" side of the road. ;) *)


7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

Only if the taxes go straight to repairing roads. Not to peoples pockets. Also will there be special subsidies for Diesel as there is in Europe? Will also the polution levels in Europe be adopted here in the US as they are lower in their strictness? Meaning they allow for more pollutants in the emission coming out of the vehicle.


8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

I agree with the vinegar, but I do not eat fried foods that often so the differences are nto anything I really care about.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

The amss produced beer is weak and bad. The Micro Brews win competitions in Europe against Europeand and British beers all the time. I will stick with them. I like support local people. :D

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

Can we get the same in return from British TV?

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

I like Rugby. It is fun. Soccor I never did get into as when I was a kid and it was being rolled out everyone wanted to be a shooter and no one got good except for a few people. :(

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

Baseball and Basketball can go away for as much as I care. I do enjoy watching a game or two, but would not miss it.

I do suggest that the Brits pick up the sport of Hockey, you know the one Canada made popular, ;) before the US started to dominate with market strategy for teams and investments into players. (* Yes I know most of our better players now come from other countries, yet I think it should get the respect the sport deserves.

"Any Sport that has two Blades and a Stick and a Fight has to be cool!" - Rich Parsons (* Yes I quoted myself. ;) *)

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

Shhh, it was the MI5, as they were upset with how he (JFK) was trying to squeeze the UK out of status within the Security Council of the UN.
* We needed more conspiracies on this :D :p *)

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

See above - about monies owed to the US first. ;)

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Strawberries are always in order. Yum Yum!

Tea can be good, but do I have to have it with Milk or Cream? I like it without.



God Save the Queen!

Yes save the Queen! (* As I do not like the current sitting heir. ;) *)

** All in jest **
 
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Carol

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and cheese.... Stilton and Wensleydale and Cheddar, and Caerphilly and Red Leicester and if possible Nigel Slater will come to America and help us.

Will you take back Gordon and Robert (Ramsey and Irvine)? and send Nigella and Tamsin Day Lewis to give me lessons if I'm very very good.

oh, and game... grouse of which we'll have lots.. and saddle of venison and rabbit and pheasant...oh and fish? salmon lots of salmon

Hunting season just opened so we have all those selections fresh and local right here in in New Hampshire......plus duck, trout, clams, and of course lobster.
 

MaxiMe

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Shouldn't this be posted in the comedy channel?
Only if there is video of those wee little cars racing around the round abouts (man they installed 2 of them down the street and they are an accident waiting to happen).
 

billc

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Hmmm...Britain still speaks English because, perhaps, the U.S. did that little thing called World War 2 and saved their bacon....
 

Sukerkin

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I'd like to thank you for being the first to bring that travesty of history up again.

No you didn't "save our bacon". We paid for the help you gave, which was in your own interests, not ours, and we actually owe our freedom, as do you, to the Russians (and Hitler being a numpty). And no, that is not a joke. It's a niggling little thing called recognising historical truth rather than pandering to American self-aggrandisement.

Being speculative, without Lend Lease of cargo ships and the supply lines kept open prior to the Battle of Britain, we would have been forced to an accommodation with Germany (probably getting rid of Churchill as PM as one of the conditions). That would have meant that America would not have gotten all the military technology that she did (for free), would not have broken the codes used by the Axis and would have been contained on the American mainland by the Japanese, German and Royal navies. With our help and knowledge, the Germans would have had the atomic bomb first and who knows where that would have lead when combined with jet bombers and intercontinental rocketry.
 
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