Rape of a loved one?

[Wmarden]

How do you respond to this, I mean how do you respond when somebody you love has been raped. If not for my badge there would be one less puke right now. I swore an oath to uphold the law, but that part of me that is a man wants quick justice. I am looking for words or advice and prayers of encouragement. I know I will not do what I feel like doing, but damn it ain't easy.

This is very painful for me. I am conflicted to my core. Duty and honor are just words until you have to live them.

 

[Touch Of Death]

Self control is what he lacks. Your self control is the only thing that makes you better than him.

 

[RCastillo]

The animal needs to elimated, simple as that. He lost his rights when taking them away from another.

 

[lvwhitebir]

My sympathies. I hope I never have to find out what it feels like. Hopefully the law will catch him and punish him for what he's done. Unfortunately, only time will help the way you, or she, feels right now. No amount of punishment will be enough.

WhiteBirch

 

[arnisador]

Moved from Womens Self Defense to General.

-Arnisador
-MT Admin-

 

[rmcrobertson]

Sounds like you're doing what's right--helping the victim, feeling miserable and conflicted, and reminding yourself that you can't give in to perfectly-reasonable desires to have his guts for garters.

It won't help, but here's a quote from Sinclair Lewis' character, Cass Timberlane, a judge: "The essence of the law is that the sweets of private vengeance shall be denied."

 

[tshadowchaser]

My words mean little in this situation. You are the only one that can decide what you will do. The one that was raped had the physical and mental abuse one to them, all that love that person have had mental abuse done to them.
Vengence is served on a bitter plate. Only your inner slef can decide if you want to inflect it.
Care for the rape victum let them know how much they are loved and that they where the victum and did nothing wrong. Support them as much as you can with out becomeing overbearing.
You may be a much better person than me I dont know if I could resist the urge to remove the vermin from society

 

[tonbo]

I have been there, and I can honestly say that I feel your pain.

My first reaction was very similar to yours, and it took *extreme* amounts of restraint to not just go over and beat the very breath out of the person involved (I knew who the perp was, as well as the victim. Okay, I actually know *of* the perp, but...).

I am not an angry person by nature, nor am I a violent one. I have forgiven plenty of things in my life, and never hold grudges. But this, I can never forgive. This is something that I will go to my grave still wishing evil, harm, and suffering on the perp. I have sworn that if he ever....EVER....gets too close to the victim again, I will be there to make him regret his own birth.

Having said that, this is the only advice that I can give: be there for your loved one. Let them know that you will listen if they need to talk, comfort if they need to cry, sympathize if they need to vent, and commiserate if they need to rage. Let them know that this was not their fault, and that they are not unclean or "damaged goods" in any way. They will need your support and your understanding more than they will need the hide of the person who hurt them.

Do all you can to help the victim, and be there for them. I can't stress that enough. You may never rid yourself of the rage and hurt, and they may not either. However, the pain will fade. Replace it with other things. Don't worry.....the perp *will* get his. It may not be today, it may not be next week, it may not even be you that gets him.....but it will happen. It's just the way that fate works. Also, if this person is vile enough to do this sort of thing, they will eventually get themselves in a position where *they* get hurt. All you can ask for is to somehow be allowed to be there when they get theirs.

I need to back off before I get worked up over this again. However, please consider my advice.....if you need to spend energy on anything, spend it on helping your loved one, and not on hating the perp. There is plenty of time for that. Your loved one needs the support now.

Peace be with you, and I wish you the best.

 

[DAC..florida]

I have also had family members who have been victims of various crimes, it is hard to live by the oath you have taken as a sworn LEO but stay strong and let the justice system do its job, if we lose faith in our own justice system then we will become what we are trying to fight (criminals).
Use the negative energy you are feeling and help the victim of this crime remember to let them know that they did nothing wrong and that these people are animals who will be delt with.
My prayers are with you and your love one in this time of need.
:asian:


VENGENCE IS MINE SAITH THE LORD..That means his not ours stay strong and remember the criminal will answer to mans laws first then to GODS.

 

[cfr]

Let me start by saying Im sorry. Ive never been in your shoes so what Im about to say is purely a theory. The first thought that came to mind when I read your post is and the way you are feeling is this: Justice is deserved. No doubt. But if you go to prison because you beat or even killed somebody, you will not be there to support your loved one. It may cause more harm than good.

My prayers go with you.

 

[Damian Mavis]

I got into martial arts because I know many women that have been raped, from girlfriends to my own mother.... it's like a freaking epidemic it seems, or I just have wierd karma where I keep meeting these women. I honestly don't beleive in the law and have little faith in any kind of weak justice the law provides... but I also know that if I do something horrible to get true justice I would be doing something just as bad if not worse and it would effect me for life... it's not worth maybe going to jail and it's not worth the mental torture for the rest of my life either. You have to realise that no matter how righteous you think it would be it would effect you in a negative way and you would be damaging yourself, assuming you are a good person like all martial artists are supposed to be.

Damian Mavis
Honour TKD

 

[Abbax8]

I was never raped, but I was abused as a child. I grew up with a deep rich hatred, and almost killed my father for what he had done to me and my mother. By the grace of God I didn't. The hatred stayed for over 20 years. Then I learned to forgive. It wasn't easy, and the feelings are still strong. But when I forgave I became free. I was able to move on and become a better me. Revenge is not the answer. In the end I believe it will only hurt you. It will also hurt the person you love. If your in jail for taking revenge, how can you be there for your loved one? I don't know you or your beliefs, but if you believe in God or Jesus, read what it says about forgiveness, PRAY HARD!!!, and then someday you will find peace. It took me 20 years and I was not seeking to forgive during most of that time. My life was becoming a mess and I believe it was because of the hatred I carried. If you will permit it, I will remember you in my prayers and your loved one.

Peace
Dennis

 

[Nightingale]

Thought this was important enough to repost here:


http://rvss.org/friends_family.htm




WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP?

Even thought the event is now over, your loved one may be experiencing some strong emotional and physical reactions. It is very common for a survivor of sexual assault to experience emotional "aftershocks." Sometimes the emotional aftershocks appear immediately after the assault. Sometimes they may appear a few hours or a few days later. In some cases, a rape survivor may not experience aftershocks until weeks or months have passed.

The signs and symptoms of these aftershocks may last a few days, a few weeks, or a few months and occasionally longer. Each survivor's journey to healing is different.



HEALING, WHAT TO EXPECT


People who have been sexually assaulted have differing ways of coping, and they heal in different ways. There are three predictable phases of emotional responses to sexual assault and healing. The behaviors and extent of these phases differ for each victim. If these phases do not exactly describe the response of the person you are trying to support, it does not mean they were not a victim of a sexual assault; they may simply have a unique set of responses. Learning all you can about sexual assault increases your ability to help a victim work through these feelings.


Acute Reaction

This phase can last from days to weeks and may include feelings of embarrassment, shock, fear, anger, anxiety or a sense of being out of control. These feelings may be expressed by crying, screaming or appearing to be in total control.


Outward Adjustment

This phase can last from several weeks to years and may be characterized by an appearance of things returning to normal in the victim's life. It may include changes such as moving, taking a new job or making new career/relationship choices. There may also be an attempt to deny or repress the assault or to rationalize what happened. The victim appears to be "doing okay."


Resolution

At some point the victim may begin to experience the feelings she had immediately following the assault. These may be accompanied by flashbacks, nightmares, insomnia and marital or drug/alcohol-related problems. The victim may reach out for assistance an d support from crisis centers and other agencies, friends, relatives or ministers.



COMMON RESPONSES TO SEXUAL ASSAULT

Survivors are not always able or willing to share their reactions with others. Below is a list of some reactions that survivors may experience. Reading this list may help you better understand what your loved one is going through.

GUILT

I feel as if I did something to make this happen
If only I had been more careful.
What did I do to have this happen?


POWERLESSNESS

Who can I trust?
My life has fallen apart.
I can't seem to get a grip on things anymore.


EMOTIONAL SHOCK

I feel so numb
Why am I so calm?
Why can't I cry?


DISORIENTATION

Everything seems so weird.
The world is turned upside-down.
I can't pay attention to what I'm doing.


DISBELIEF

What has happened to me?
How could he have done this to me?
Did this really happen? Was I raped?


RETRIGGERING

I have terrible nightmares.
I feel that same terror again!
I keep flashing back to the scene.


EMBARRASSMENT

People think that I'm a slut.
I can't talk to the police about this.
I don't want anyone to find out what happened.


DENIAL

It was just a rape. I wasn't hurt.
Why am I such a mess?
This shouldn't bother me...


SHAME

I feel so dirty
I'm ashamed to have anyone touch me.
I look so stupid


FEAR

I can't stand to be alone.
I hate the dark now. I am terrified.
I feel ridiculously paranoid.


DEPRESSION

I don't feel like getting out of bed.
I just don't want to see anyone.
Sometimes I want to die.


ANXIETY

I can't eat. I can't sleep.
My heart just starts pounding.
I am restless. I can't sit still.

ANGER

I hate that bastard. I could kill him.
I could smash something to pieces.
Why me? I hate this world.

DESPAIR

I'll never feel normal again.
This event has traumatized me forever.
This pain is overwhelming.



SECONDARY VICTIMIZATION

Many times well-intending people do not have a good understanding of sexual assault and the trauma associated with it. In order to avoid re-victimizing the victim, we have provided you with two common examples of how easily a misunderstanding can occur:

Blaming the Victim
May times we focus on the behavior of the victim. We forget that the victim's dress, location, time of day of the assault or alcohol consumed... did NOT cause the rape.

Disbelief/Denial
Often people, even professionals, will minimize the significance of the assault. Some may not even believe the victim's story. But the percentage of false reports of sexual assault are the same as those of any other crime (less than three percent.)



HOW TO HELP

- Listen Carefully. Spend time with the survivor. Offer your assistance and a listening ear. Listen but do not pry.

- Reassure the survivor that s/he is safe.

- Help the survivor with everyday tasks like cooking and cleaning.

- Give the survivor some private time.

- Don't take anger or other feelings personally.

- Don't tell the survivor that s/he is "lucky it wasn't worse." Most survivors are not consoled by such statements. Instead, say that you are sorry such an event has occurred and you want to understand.

- Say "It's not your fault." Say it again.

- Do not press the survivor to report the crime. This decision should be made by the survivor alone.

- Avoid trying to "fix" anything. If you can simply hear and let the survivor know that you care, you will have been profoundly helpful.



TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF


The healing process can be very intense, with emotions running from one extreme to another. Keeping your perspective will require that you take care of yourself. The following suggestions will allow you to stay as healthy as possible in your support role.

- You also need time to work through the feelings of anger, grief, and helplessness.

- Recognize that you cannot be responsible for the victim's healing process.

- Humor can be an important aspect of healing for both you and the victim. Laughter reduces tension and pain.

- Check to see if the crisis center in your area has a support group for family, friends and significant others. They will be able to help you better understand what you are going through and suggest ways for you to help the victim.

- Set boundaries - for yourself and in your interaction with the victim. Saying "no" is okay. Setting limits is a loving thing to do.

- Just as the assault was not the victim's fault, neither is it yours. The offender is the person to blame

 

[Nightingale]

She might benefit from reading this...

"To a Wounded Angel"
by Tammie Fowles, LISW, PhD

You're so brave, so strong, so beautiful, and you can fly so high... I'm so often in awe of you, did you know that? And believe me when I say to you now that I value you every bit as much when you're stooping as when you soar... Right now, settled on the ground, with your wings folded down around you, I think I love you even more...

"Everything happens for a reason," good people have told you, and you've done your very best to believe them. This philosophy offers such comfort and peace. And in retrospect, when looking back upon my own life, for the most part, it rings true. So much that was painful or disappointing later proved to serve me. And I know with all of my heart that your own hurt will serve you. But I can't offer up that "everything happens for a reason" to you. My throat closes around those words the moment they occur to me, and bitterness rises up to meet them.

How can there possibly be a reason for women to be tortured physically, sexually, emotionally or spiritually? There is no reason. And I've long since given up my quest to acquire one. I refuse to tell you that the devastation that you suffered happened for a reason. What acceptable reason could there possibly be?

As an advocate, I've looked into too many pain filled eyes. Eyes that reflect a tortured experience, eyes that ask why? WHY? And you know what? There never was a why that I found acceptable. Not a single explanation that was ever good enough for me.

And so my tired angel, I come to you emptied of answers. I can't take away your WHY and replace it with an explanation. I wish I could. I want so very much to take your pain away.

Because I cannot take away, I come to you with a modest offering. One so small, that I'm humbled as I hold it out to you. It's a small stone with one word engraved upon its surface. The word is AND.

You were hurt very badly AND yet in spite of the hurt, you've grown. You were deeply wounded AND still you survived. You were exposed to the worst in human behavior AND yet you've always tried to give your best. Your voice was silenced AND still you've heard and responded to the pain of others. You were touched by evil AND you've chosen to embrace goodness. You were betrayed AND still you seek to trust. You've been vulnerable and exposed AND still you've sheltered lost souls with your wings. Your agony can't be denied, but neither my precious friend can all of the AND's that are contained within you. They too have shaped you, and even as your pain has left you grounded, they surely make up the magic that will lead you once again to fly. Take them with you...

Love,
A Fellow Traveler

 

[Wmarden]

She is doing ok. Not perfect, but ok considering. My mom went over yesterday and the investigators were there doing interviews. One said that just from reading the report my loved one filed that she believes her. As for what will happen, the scumbag is expected to be interviewed possibly this weekend. And given what I have learned he will likely be in jail early this week.

Any idea of what the typical federal senencing guidelines are for rape? It happened in national park property.

 

[OULobo]

Originally posted by Wmarden
She is doing ok. Not perfect, but ok considering. My mom went over yesterday and the investigators were there doing interviews. One said that just from reading the report my loved one filed that she believes her. As for what will happen, the scumbag is expected to be interviewed possibly this weekend. And given what I have learned he will likely be in jail early this week.

Any idea of what the typical federal senencing guidelines are for rape? It happened in national park property.

Just look at it this way. Rapists in prison are seen as weak and in need of "special attention". If he is fresh meat to the system and he gets put in general pop. at a max facility, he'll learn quick what its like to be a victim. Gladiator school is not kind to rapists or child molesters.

On a side note make sure you have the right guy. Please don't take this as a comment about your or your loved one's situation, but some people use the accusation of rape as a weapon (ie. divorces, ex girlfriends). I'm sure this is not the case with your loved one. I've seen gut reactions that register as violence do irrepairable (lethal) damage to the wrong people.

You have my deepest sympathies in a journey that I'm sure will be a test of dicipline, strength and heart.

 

[Patty]

I was attacked when I was younger, beaten and raped. The current term is not rape "victim", but instead rape "survivor". That's a very important difference. Make sure you use that type of mentality when you you speak with your loved one. I just did a lengthy report on this subject, but I'm having problems retrieving it right now. If you'd like, I'll look for the disk and send you a copy. Otherwise, Nightingale was on the money with her advice. She's a wise woman. One of the biggest problems following an attack are the feelings of self-blame, self-disgust and the destruction of trust - it's a 160 mph head-on collision with reality. I hated myself and everyone for a very long time and I wasn't the easiest person to live with. Now I love life and it's all the more precious to me for what I've experienced and lived through. I say these things not to vent for myself, but to offer you a survivor's perspective. If I can help in any way, let me know. When she's ready, getting your friend into MA's can make a huge difference in (regaining) self-respect, self-control, overcoming fear, and self-empowerment. When I started hapkido, it truly changed my life and took away a lot of the bad things I had been living with. For now, though, it'll take a lot of time, understanding, caring and love.

 

[ob2c]

Originally posted by Wmarden
This is very painful for me. I am conflicted to my core. Duty and honor are just words until you have to live them.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger said it this way, "Principles aren't principles until they've cost you something." I've found that to be very true. Your strength and sense of honor and right are what seperate you from this human waste. They are also the things your loved one needs to help see her through this. You need to be there for her, not in jail yourself. I once seriousely dated a girl that had been raped as a child, and it left some very deep and permanent emotional scars. This initial time of healing is critical to her long term recovery and happiness. Your being there may make all the difference.

One other thing that you might consider is that you and her friends and family are also victims of this crime. You might all think about counseling to help yourselves cope. You should have resources within your department to call on. Don't try to carry it alone.

I wish her and you all the best.