It seems to me you have two way markers that need addressing: your imminent nidan grading (donāt concern yourself with other graders issues) and then your long term progression. Perhaps you can break down the problem that way?
Yeah true, and it feels it's all interrelated in a way... as for grading, if I look retrospectively, I have improved/progressed in a few ways the past 2 years since grading to Shodan. Not hugely, but I have. So doing my nidan grading would mean something. I just really don't know what. I'm trying to see it on a personal level, but it's hard not to look at the others' issues. That sort of thing doesn't make sense to me, and speaks to a wider issue of what a grading means. He has said in the past when I questioned someone else's grading that it isn't solely about nailing the bunkai etc, but looking at the whole person and their character development too. I can appreciate that for sure.. but technical ability to me matters quite a bit..
So I could go for it and it would mean something. I have trained incredibly hard through the past 2 years. I have progressed in ways. But it's just so hard to know what standard is being applied, or if it's just some box that's being ticked off for sort of doing it half-right.
Part of me honestly just cannot be bothered with going ahead with it, and that really saddens me, as karate means so much to me. That excitement or joy to go for it isn't there.
Long-term I honestly can't see much changing, and it feels like it won't be much more to work on, and the feedback I'm after not being there to guide me...
Do you think he has the motivation to continue with that after your grading? It doesnāt need to be as intensive as for grading preparation, but it has to be tangible in each lesson.
I think on some level for sure. Not as intensive. It just feels like the last little while I've been more in a teaching role. He has spent time with me for sure. But this last bit leading up to grading there were major things that I hadn't touched on much at all which were required for my grading.
I donāt wish to force you into being immodest, but are you a bit of a āstar studentā in his dojo? If so, that might be why he doesnāt want to lose you to another dojo.
If I'm being completely honest, and I hate to say so, but yeah, 100%. He has said in previous communication when I was questioning standard a bit, that he did say I was more than welcome to train elsewhere and he would never hold me back. That first bit sounded aggressive the way I wrote it haha, I mean that he would be totally okay if I wished to move on. He is absolutely not the controlling type and is really grateful for my presence in the dojo, says I uplift everyone's there which is incredibly nice to say.
That's pretty much the main thing keeping me there at this stage, the people. Really love those guys, but I feel like I'm being held back now in my own progress and learning.
Ugh...