Evil Tai Chi



Highest Supreme No Can Defend Boxing
This has appeared in rec.martial-arts:

Greeting, fellow martial artist. Please allow me introducing myself.


Allow me relate you this story young man who visit my kwoon.
He come my kwoon wear Brazil jiujitsu t-shirt and he say his
name Gichoke. He asking me I teaching grappling technique. I
say no, young Blowchunk, I teaching taichi chuan. He getting
mad and say my name Gichoke not Blowchunk, then he
disrespectful taichi chuan. He say taichi for old
man like me, then say his Brazil jiujitsu technique beat my technique.

I say young Fudgepoke, you make me laughing, MWAHAHAHA!!!!
So he again getting mad and say my name Gichoke not
Fudgepoke and challenge me to fighting. I say you silly little high
school boy, go back rolling around on floor with other boy.
MWAHAHAHA!!!! My evil-style taichi chuan is most best combat
system, if proper technique no can defend! Only practicing chi
powers making TRUE MARTIAL ARTIST and you young Sheeppoke
are weak in ways of chi! But silly little boy insist so we go into
my training room. He ask where mat for floor because my kwoon
floor hard wood. I say no mat for evil-style taichi young Gijoke!
MWAHAHAHA!!!! Now he getting afraid but he too stupid to
leave. So I say you attacking me now, young Gispunk! And he
try to shoot under my arms and taking me to floor, but I using
internal strength technique from evil-style taichi and
bitchslapping Gichunk into wall! MWAHAHAHA!!!! Many time he
attacking and many time I bitchslapping silly boy. But silly boy
still attacking so I change to deadly dimmak technique. Only
using one finger striking and only touching Gichoad now, but
every time he attacking and every time he falling to floor
scream in pain and silly boy crying about hard wooden floor!
MWAHAHAHA!!!! So now I using deadly pressure-point chinna
grappling technique and flipping silly boy into air and landing on
hard floor. I say now I demonstrating more weakness Brazil
jiujitsu system. I say now I demonstrating Chinese animal style
kung fu, and my style is dog-style kung fu. So I blow whistle and
my attack dog Fang coming into kwoon! Fang attacking young
Gichimp and Fang biting silly boys arms and face. I say Brazil
jiujitsu not complete martial art, can no defend against dog!
MWAHAHAHA!!!! But stupid boy saying **** you, so I kicking silly
boy in head while he wrestling Fang. So I say see young Gipoke
Brazil jiujitsu technique no can defend multiple attackers!
MWAHAHAHA!!!! After silly boy bleeding long time I tell Fang go
away. So I asking young Gipuke you believing in chi powers
now? He say no, so I say I now using ancient Chinese secret art
of feng-shui against him. Stupid boy asking what is feng-shui?
So I say feng-shui most ancient art of manipulate chi power by
rearrange furniture. Very powerful system, can no defend! So
silly boy laughing and say you will defeat me using interior

Then he disrespectful feng-shui so I demonstrating. I kicking
coffee table into silly boys knee, then I move chair behind silly
boy, then kicking Gijoke against chair. Silly boys head is flying
into desk corner and cracking head open. So I say see silly boy
this furniture position much worse for your chi! MWAHAHAHA!!!!
But STILL stupid boy no give up, so now I using most deadly
technique of no touching chi power KONG JING!!!! So I saying
you call your name Gichoke so now I showing you CHI CHOKE!
MWAHAHAHA!!!! So I standing across kwoon from silly boy but I
using kong jing power and choking stupid young Gispunk.

After silly boy waking up I asking now you believing chi powers?
Gichunk get down on hands and knees and begging forgiveness,
asking please me teaching him secrets of evil-style taichi. He
finally learning that Brazil jiujitsu technique no can defend
against chi powers!!! So I saying young Gipunk, you are weak in
ways of chi but you have demonstrating much willpower in our
combat. So I teaching you evil-style taichi!!! EMBRACE DARK
AND SON!!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!! So Gispunk becoming Dr Yang Sze
first American student and giving up silly Brazil jiujitsu!

But I no am teaching Gichoad true secret of evil-style taichi!
When silly boy knocked out from hitting desk, I using ancient
Chinese secret. No Dr. Yang not using Calgon! MWAHAHAHA!!!!
I using hypnosis on silly boy so when I doing phoney kong jing
technique silly boy thinking he choking! Now I renaming Gichoke
as new name Chijoke, and he serving Dr. Yang as personal
slave! MWAHAHAHA!!!! I teaching Chijoke fen shou technique,
making silly boy to cleaning my toilet with bare hands!
MWAHAHAHA!!!! And in return I teaching Chijoke phoney taichi
techniques I learn from David Carradine video tapes and exercise
I saying is chi kung really from Richard Simmons "Sweating To
The Oldies" videos! MWAHAHAHA!!!! And Chijoke paying $200
dollar every month for phoney taichi, and if silly boy asking about
technique not effective I say take twenty year to master. And if
young Chijoke doubt power then he remembering back to him
choking with kong jing power!!! Silly boy mind very weak easy to
manipulate! MWAHAHAHA!!!!

So you maybe asking why I doing terrible mean things to young Chijoke?

Because I am Dr. Yang Sze, EVIL MASTER OF CHI!!!
What ever he had make mine a double in a small glass no ice.
Well we know this can't be true since BJJ is undefeatable:p
Is Evil Tai Chi good against a person armed with a bowl of raspberries?

What about a pointed stick?

Looks like Dr. Yang Sze forgot to take his lithium again.....


that is quite possibly the most bizarre thing i have EVER read please do it again sometime...........
feng shui is highest style of kung fu

most unbeatable

thanks- i laughed my butt off
Yeah, Feng Shui is pretty deadly. Someday, I hope to master that style. Then, I shall slowly begin my quest for world domination.....or the perfect fruit smoothie, whichever comes first.....:D

The other art that my wife and I thought we would confuse people with is Shodo (Japanese calligraphy). You can gain rank in Shodo, based on your skill, etc, just like any other martial art (yes, I know calligraphy isn't martial per se, but it has it's applications in concentration, etc.) (and yes, you *can* get a Black Belt in Shodo!!).

I always thought that would be cool. "Yes, I'm a Black Belt in the deadly art of Shodo. Ever heard of it?" (said with a barely hidden smile as the poor listener then tries to make up an answer)......

This guy needs to write for the movies

Feng - Shui, lol!

That had to be one of the most bizarre writings I have read to date. Thanks for sharing.

Geeze, this is great! Can you send that kid over to my house to clean the toilets and rearrange my furniture. Can he use a vacuum cleaner? How is he with hardwood floors? (I mean, in terms of sanding and waxing them, not in terms of falling on them.) Evil Tai Chi has a tremedous potential to develop home cleaners - a growing industry. If you work with enough pupils, Dr. Evil Tai Chi, you can get a Merry Maids franchise in no time and make some serious money.


Mrs. Hubris Nimby
That was awesome.
Now I know what my instructor has done to me.
Thank you, Dr. Yang!
Every time I read kirk's post I burst out laughing.
I especially like the "not effective against dog/multiple attackers."