What Men Really Mean
- "I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
- "Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
- "Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
- "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means...."As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
- "It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
- "Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
- "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
- "Good idea." Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
- "Have you lost weight?" Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
- "My wife doesn't understand me." Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
- "It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."
- "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
- "I got a lot done." Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
- "We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
- "Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
- "You cook just like my mother used to." Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
- "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
- "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
- "That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?"
- "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."
- "You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."
- "It's a really good movie." Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
- "That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
- "Will you marry me?" Really means...."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
- "Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."
- "You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
- "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
- "Football is a man's game." Really means...."Women are generally too smart to play it."
- "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
- "I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
- "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
- "I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
- "What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
- "What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means...."You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
- "She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means...."She refused to make my coffee."
- "But I hate to go shopping." Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
- "No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means...."You may actually get it to start."
- "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
- "I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
- "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
- "You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
- "I brought you a present." Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
- "I missed you." Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
- "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
- "We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
- "This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."
- "I recycle." Really means...."We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
