The Darwin Awards


Senior Master
MTS Alumni
Apr 24, 2002
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For those of you not familiar with the "Darwins", they are awards given (posthumously) to those individuals who ensure the long term survival of our species by removing themselves from the gene pool in a sublimely idiotic fashion. I've got a book with all the Darwins for the past twenty years. If there's a good response to this, I'll post more.

Darwin Awards for the Day:

Darwin Award: Bonn, Germany, April 18, 1999

Source: CBS News Radio

A sword swallower died in Bonn, Germany, after he put an umbrella down his throat...

and accidentally pushed the button that opened it.


Darwin Award: Newton, North Carolina, December 21, 1992

Source: Hickory Daily Record

A 47 year old man accidentally shot himself to death in Newton, when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone by his bed, he reached for the phone, but instead grabbed his loaded Smith and Wesson .38 Special, which had been sitting on his nightstand. The gun discharged as he put it to his ear.


Also, The Darwin Committee gives honorable mentions to those individuals who, although made a spectacular attempt at full candidacy for a Darwin, somehow survived the attempt.

Darwin Honorable Mention: Ceres, California, April 3, 1995

Source: Sacramento Bee

Anyone who has watched the movie "Caddyshack" will have a good idea of the resiliance of gophers. In the spring of 1995, three employees of Carroll Fowler Elementary School received one gopher in good condition. their subsequent actions show that they were unfamiliar with the movie in particular, and with the vengeful nature of gophers in general.

One janitor and two maintenance men hauled the gopher into a small janitorial closet and apparently decided to kill it. There is no other plausible reason for spraying cleaning solvent on the gopher.

The solvent was designed to remove gum by freezing it. Elementary schools have an ongoing need for such solvents, but the gopher was stronger than gum. Three cans later, it was still alive and kicking.

They paused for a moment of silent reflection, and the janitor lit a cigarette in the fume filled room. The subsequent explosion injured all three men, and sixteen children were treated for minor injuries.

In the aftermath of the explosion, the gopher was discovered clinging, unharmed, to a wall.
Holy crap, that's hilarious! Please post more, or, failing that, tell me where to read more!:rofl:
Did you ever hear about the guy that was rebuilding his Motocycle engine in his living room? Apparently after washing his parts in a tub of gas, he poured the gas and grime in the toilet. But neglected to flush. Well as you guessed it he later went to go potty and while he was taking a load off he threw his cigarette into the pot'o'gas..........and KABOOM!!!!!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

He didn't die but he had severe burns from the incident.

Darwin Award: London, England, January 28, 1999

A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife. The woman, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep after she brought them a bale of feed on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, pushing the woman and her bike over the edge of a vacant hundred foot quarry. "I saw the sheep surround the bike, and next thing I knew, she was tumbling down the incline." Said a neighbor. Her husband is being comforted by friends.

Darwin Honorable Mention: St. Petersburg, Russia

A Vermont native found himself in a difficult position while touring an african safari zoo. The gentleman, Ronald, went to extremes to demonstrate the power of crazy glue. To prove the effectiveness of the glue, he rubbed several ounces of the adhesive on his hands and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino.

The rhinocerous, a resident of the zoo for nearly 13 years, was not initially startled, as it had been a part of the petting zoo exhibit since it was a baby. However, once she became aware that she was involuntarily stuck to Ronald, she panicked and charged wildly about the petting zoo area, with Ronald along as an unwitting passenger.

"Sally the Rhino hadn't been feeling well." Confided caretaker James Douglass. "She was constipated and had just been given a laxative when the American played his juvenile prank."

During Sally's tirade, a shed wall was gored and two fences destroyed. Three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death, During the stampede and subsequent capture, Sally began to feel the effects of the laxative, and Ronald was reportedly covered with several gallons of rhino diarrhea.

A team of medics and zoo caretakers were needed to remove his hands from Sally's buttocks.

Meanwhile, the amused Russians were suitably impressed with the power of the crazy glue. "I'm going to buy some for my children" commented Vladimir Zolnikov, "But of course, they can't take it to the zoo."
Perhaps I'm angling for a Darwin of my own, but I have a genius idea that could make us all a ton of money...
Elephant rodeo! Imagine pissing off an elephant enough to make it buck. We could have different divisions, ie hippo rodeo, rhino rodeo, elephant rodeo... everyone would watch it, except maybe those people who didn't know it was on.
Anyone with a zoological background, or anyone who can tell me how to get this off the ground?:asian:

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