Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

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fist of fury

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I'm not a father myself so this is for you da's out there with daughters:

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
 

Kempojujutsu

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I like this Idea one of my friends gave me. Require a deposit for your daughter to go out on a date. Minimum of $100 dollars, and for every minute she is late we deducted $20 dollars. This does two things if the kid has any money. He won't have any if he wants to go out, which means he may have to spend the eveing with you at home. Heck this could turn in to money making event you may have to quit Martial Arts.
Bob:drinkbeer
 
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sparky

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The best thing to do when your daughter starts dating is - kill the first boyfriend, and the rest learn from there.
 

Seig

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Originally posted by fist of fury

I'm not a father myself so this is for you da's out there with daughters:

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Except my garbage, put it by the curb.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Edit to: Remove them from your wrists...
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
And then I will seal any openings with duct tape, and my electric nail gun.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Slowly and painfully
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
By 8 pm, is an even better answer and will get you 1 brownie point.
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
I will make you wail like a newborn for weeks on end.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
And while you are at it, it needs a wash and wax. No, I will not pay you, but I may refrain from making your brother/sister an only child for the amount of time it takes you to finish.
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Did I mention I am coming with you?
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
I also have bags of quick-crete and am not afraid to use them.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
And the Rottweiler coming at you is attack trained
 
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Kirk

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I saw comedian Bill Engval doing his routine tonight. He said
that anyone coming over to date his daughter is gonna get pulled
in close to him, real tight so only he can hear what he says.
And "I'm gonna tell him .. that girl over there is my baby girl.
She's my life. If you even THINK about huggin' ... kissin' .... or
touchin' her ... I have NO problems with going back to jail" :rofl:
 

tshadowchaser

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Guys, I just loved these. I just glad I never dated any of your daughters. However if I had ever had a daughter I would most likeky never trust the guy she went out with,to many memories of my youth.
Shadow:D
 

Rich Parsons

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An Interesting approach by the Dad of one young lady I dated. He was an avid hunter. He also
had the living room full of animals mounted on the
walls of the Family, with the exception of one
location.

This dad did not say much much at all, but when
he did speak he said I am looking for something
to fill that space on the wall.

The young lady and her family and I are still
friends today years later. :)

Just sharing

Rich
 
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Kirk

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Originally posted by Rich Parsons

An Interesting approach by the Dad of one young lady I dated. He was an avid hunter. He also
had the living room full of animals mounted on the
walls of the Family, with the exception of one
location.

This dad did not say much much at all, but when
he did speak he said I am looking for something
to fill that space on the wall.

The young lady and her family and I are still
friends today years later. :)

Just sharing

Rich

Hmm... I have about 16 years before I put a bunch of heads
on my walls. But NOTED! :D That's a good one!

I dated one gal who's father would sharpen a HUGE knife in
front of me ALL THE FREAKING TIME! I didn't date her long.


:rofl:
 
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tonbo

Guest
I love the initial list, and all the "add-ons".....:rofl:

My wife and I have two boys, so we don't have all the same problems.....however, we often joke that it would be kinda fun to have a little girl....we would make life HELL on any boy that didn't toe the line when dating our daughter. We would just "casually" remind him of the fact that we were both martial artists, and would offer to show him a technique or two to bring home the point.....

Of course, we DO torture our boys when it comes to dating, also. We remind them that if they EVER do anything stupid or disrespectful in dating a girl (i.e., if they are not TOTALLY respectful to the girl's family and to her herself), then we will just have to have an impromptu "training" session.....you know.....full contact, no gear.....

So far, it's kept them pretty straight.....:rofl:

Peace--
 
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bscastro

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As a friend told me: "When you have a son, you only worry about one guy in town. When you have a daughter, you worry about all the guys in town."

Actually, when I have daughters of marrying age, I'll be very polite and friendly to her male friends. I'll also be sharpening my knives.

Bryan
 
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Rob_Broad

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Originally posted by tonbo

I love the initial list, and all the "add-ons".....:rofl:

My wife and I have two boys, so we don't have all the same problems.....however, we often joke that it would be kinda fun to have a little girl....we would make life HELL on any boy that didn't toe the line when dating our daughter. We would just "casually" remind him of the fact that we were both martial artists, and would offer to show him a technique or two to bring home the point.....

Of course, we DO torture our boys when it comes to dating, also. We remind them that if they EVER do anything stupid or disrespectful in dating a girl (i.e., if they are not TOTALLY respectful to the girl's family and to her herself), then we will just have to have an impromptu "training" session.....you know.....full contact, no gear.....

So far, it's kept them pretty straight.....:rofl:

Peace--

You should let the boys know you have always been interested in having a daughter, and if they ever mistreat a young lady the will wake up as a young girl. Trust me the thought of your own parents giving you a sudden sex change operation is terrifying enough, but the though of how over protective you would be of your "little girl" is just spine chiling.
 
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tonbo

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Yeah, I think that would pretty much wake them up, no?

Truth is, I have always joked with my oldest boy about "taking him out" if he did something incredibly stupid. It's usually during my "Five Reasons" speech, where I tell him I have "five reasons" for not doing something disrespectful, stupid, etc. I hold up my open hand, then, starting with the pinky finger, count off each finger and curl it in to the palm. By number five, obviously, I have a fist. Five reasons. :)

Thankfully, that is all just joking around. My wife and I hold our boys to pretty high standards when it comes to dealing with others. I was brought up to respect women, and am doing all I can to raise my boys the same way. (Sheesh....since being in the MA, I respect 'em a bunch more...hehe!!)

In all honesty, the major "wake up" that we dumped on my oldest (now 13) recently was the fact that, if he ever got a girl pregnant, that we would make *sure* that he stayed in his baby's life......no matter HOW things changed over time. By the way his eyes bugged out at all the responsibilities and so on that we pointed out, I think he got the picture......:D

Yeah, that and I'll tell him that I always wanted a girl.....:rofl:

The younger one is almost eight, so he has a few years to go before the fear gets instilled for real....plenty of time to refine technique....

Peace--
 

Cthulhu

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Keep 'em comin', folks! My daughter isn't even three yet, but I've been taking notes.

:D

Cthulhu
 
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tonbo

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Billy Crystal had one a few years back about guys dating his daughter. He said that, when talking with his daughter's "suitors" on the phone, he would just say things like: "Jamie? No, sorry....she's not home. She's on the space shuttle. Try back in about three years."

I bet that might work....'specially on those guys whose pants need to be nailgunned into place......:D

Peace--
 

Seig

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Originally posted by bscastro

As a friend told me: "When you have a son, you only worry about one guy in town. When you have a daughter, you worry about all the guys in town."

Actually, when I have daughters of marrying age, I'll be very polite and friendly to her male friends. I'll also be sharpening my knives.

Bryan
My biggest fear was having to pay for a wedding!
 
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Quinn-child

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My mom read this and made me read it and she said, "I'm going to print this out and give it to your boyfriend when he comes and picks you up!" :disgust: :waah: :wah:
Anyway. She loved it. It's her new Bible. I think it's pretty funny too, actually. :D

Oos - :asian:
Quinn
 
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Quinn-child

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My mum also said that she'll be sittin' there, polishing her gun when he comes and picks me up, saying, "You will have her back by eight." Ah...

Oos - :asian:
Quinn
 

Nightingale

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hehe...

my mother's prom night lecture to me was about an hour long and full of "don't"s and reminders from junior high health classes...

my father's prom night lecture to my brother was "Son, don't do anything stupid...but if you do do something stupid, be smart about it."


The first time I brought a guy over to meet my parents...

my dad was sitting on the sofa cleaning his shotgun. No words were necessary. I was home before dark. LOL.
 
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