Scots Wa Hae!

[TimoS]

A scottish friend of mine sent this one to me:

A Wee Glesca wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, wi' his rear end aimed at an electric fire.

The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"

Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'."

 

[Drac]

A scottish friend of mine sent this one to me:

A Wee Glesca wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, wi' his rear end aimed at an electric fire.

The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"

Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'."

LOL...I LOVE jokes that I can retell with an accent...

 

[wee_blondie]

Aaah, yes utility kilts LOL!

I sent that link to a pal of mine who wants to wear something "different" when he goes climbing. I suggested the survival model....and him being a true scot, well.......

 

[wee_blondie]

LOL...I LOVE jokes that I can retell with an accent...

Hey Drac!

Hooz aboot:

Wan day a scotsman went tae visit his canadian pal. Upon looking oot the windae he spied a great muckle beast wi a rack o antlers.

"Michtie me!" the scot exclaimed "Fits 'at?"
"A moose" said the cannuck
"Bloody hell, if thats the size of yer moose......


*wait for it*


.......how big are yer cats??!!"


:boing2: :roflmao: :boing2:

 

[Drac]

That was EXCELLENT:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[theletch1]

Ok, stop with the jokes! My wife says if I ruin one more keyboard by spittin' coffee all over it I'm in for it next time I'm her uke.:whip1:

 

[TimoS]

Ok, stop with the jokes! My wife says if I ruin one more keyboard by spittin' coffee all over it I'm in for it next time I'm her uke.:whip1:

Sorry, no can do

Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days.

Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why. He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?"

"Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock."

"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."

"Aye, I know that."

"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."

"Aye I am that"

"Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us."

"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!"


Another version of the same joke and one I personally like better (this one I remembered, but since I can't type the accent, I had to search for it, which how I came about the first version)


On the eve of the Gulf War 2, Angus Greenblatt came doon frae' the hills into Inverness to enlist in the Queen's Own Highlanders (Seaforths & Camerons). He presented himself before the Recruiting N.C.O., and according to orders, receited his credentials. The Warrant Officer nodded approvingly at his answers. Angus thought that he he was in for sure.
Suddenly, the Warrant Officer slammed Angus' file folder closed, and said: "Och lad, no go".
"wha'ts this, Sar't Major?" asked the perplexed Angus.
"We canne ha'e ye in the Yoonit," replied the Warrant.
"But why, Sarn't Major? " asked Angus. "Me family's lived in Scotland since the '45, and me faither sairved in North Africa in the Black Watch under Montgomery durrin Wairl Warr Twa. Why dinnae ye want me in the Yoounit?"
"Ye're circumcised, isnae that kerrect?" asked the Warrant.
"Aye", replied Angus. "And tha's an oondeniable fact."
"Och, lad, then that's the reason".
Angus drew himself up to his full height, looked the Warrant Officer in the eye, and said:
"Och. I can oonderstand that if a mannie wanted to join the Coldstream, or the Welsh or even the Scots Guards that he'd have to have the "proper family connections", but this is the fiurrst I eveer heard that ye had to be a complete prick to get into the Queen's Own Highlanders."

 

[Drac]

LOL..Excellent..

 

[wee_blondie]

Its a groaner....... :lool:


An English doctor, being shown around a Scottish hospital, is taken into a ward with a number of patients who show no visible signs of injury.

He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims" "Fair fa' yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!" The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

The next patient sits up and declaims: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi' bickering brattle. I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi' murdering prattle!"

Well, says the Englishman to his Scottish colleague. "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last."

"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrects him. "this is the Serious Burns Unit!"

 

[Drac]

Owwwwww!!!!!

 

[theletch1]

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.

A Scot is sittin' in a bar talking to another patron.
"Do ye see this bar, lad? I built it wi me own two hands...but do they call me Angus the bar builder? no."

"Do ye see that bridge there? Built that too, wi me own two hands. But do they call me Angus the bridge builder? No!"

"That ale ye do be drinkin' I brewed wi me own two hands. But do they call me Angus the brewer? No! But ya get caught pokin' one sheep!"

 

[wee_blondie]

:boing2:

Love it!

Ooooh - one more quickie:

Scottish cure for seasickness: Haud yer heid o'wer the side, grippin a 10 pence piece a'twixt yer teeth.....

 

[TimoS]

But ya get caught pokin' one sheep!"

Which reminds me: why do the scots wear a kilt?

Because the sheep can a hear the sound of the zipper...

 

[Drac]

Subject: The Irish Girl



An Irish girl had not been to her parents home for over 5 years.
Upon her return her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why
didn't you write us, not even a line did we get to let us know you were OK!
Why didn't you call you little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum
and me through!!??

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad... I became a prostitute ..

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat,
title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for
£5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the
spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a
lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you
all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it you said you had become" the father interrupted?

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! .. Sniff, sniff"

"Oh! Bejaysus girl! You half scared me ta death! I thought you said a
Protestant!! C'mere and give the old man a hug!"

 

[bushidomartialarts]

what is it a scott wears under his kilt?









his wife's lipstick.





what is it an irishman wears under his kilt?






some scotsman's wife's lipstick


faith and begorrah.

 

[Drac]

Irish Humor:

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been
run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
face is cut and bruised and he's walk ing with a limp.

What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
That little ****, O'Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,

he must've had something in his hand."
That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
*************************************************



An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening."
I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
Did you know that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?"
Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there I thought
I'd gone deaf."
******************************************************


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away

last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me Mary,did he have

any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask,
Mary?"
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
**************

 

[shrek]

I'm Irish, so I'm not quite cetain what "Nac Mac Feegle" means...translaton please?

 

[TimoS]

No idea if this is actually true, but it's still funny


Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet...
"Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil bastard!"