Rumors Abound of the tragic loss of Santa this year.

Bob Hubbard

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I've been finding multiple rumors online that Santa tragically didn't make it this year. Official sources are denying everything, but stories from over seas and other sources are painting a sad, tragically differnt story. I post here a few of the news blurbs. Purhaps a few of the adults can check with their kids this morning and see just how far the brave fat elf got before tragedy struck.

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Santa's Sleigh Shot Down By Nervous Homeland Defender

Earl Davenport, a lieutenant in the Montana's Homeland Defense chapter, has admitted responsibility for bringing down Santa and his reindeer.

At approximately 9:45 MST, a radar tracking station reported a low-flying craft headed towards downtown Shelby. Davenport jumped into a helicopter and flew out for observation, "I saw a beard and what looked like a turban," says Davenport, "and I thought 'He's gonna crash that thing into a building or something', so I just opened fire." At that point, up to eight tiny stinger missiles flew up to meet the sleigh, knocking out several reindeer and causing the craft to smash into the ground a few minutes later.

The survivors include Comet, Dancer, Prancer, and Blitzen, as well as Santa himself, but tragically, Cupid, Donner, Dasher, Vixen and Rudolf, whose nose functioned as a locator beacon, allowing the others to be found, did not.

Responding to the news, President Bush has announced plans to start a War On Shooting Down the Wrong Thing When You Think It's Something Else.

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A Christmas Tragedy
- Santa Shot Down
- Christmas Delayed

Bjorn Jorgensen
Black Hills Gazette
Commanchee Pass, SD


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Photo of Bubba (a.k.a. Amal) and Santa supplied by BATF
Santa Claus, internationally beloved icon of the Christmas season, is in intensive care at a local hospital in critical condition after reportedly being blown out of the sky, with his sled and eight tiny reindeer, by an angry member of an ultra-radical Islamic terrorist "sleeper" cell, who used a shoulder fired missile in the attack.


According to BATF agents, they believe that the shooter, is actually an Islamic "sleeper" terrorist named Amal Skrudup, who has spent the last 40 years masquerading as a Lutheran, Black Hills farmer named "Bubba". However, Bubba's grandmother came forward to assure us that Bubba was born and raised in Commanchee Pass and didn't even own a towel, let alone wear one. Even so, BATF agents cling to their assertion that Bubba is actually Skrudup and challenged us to produce evidence that Bubba has any relatives living in south Dakota. Interestingly, since that time, we have been unable to locate any of Bubba's relatives.

BATF agents went on to tell us that to facilitate his access to unlicensed weapons and acting under his cover as Bubba, he joined several organizations that the BATF has identified as subversive, including the National Rifle Association, the Gun Owners of America and a local militia group. They declined, however, to tell us how that facilitated his access to unlicensed weapons, saying only that they have developed evidence that they are unable to disclose, that shows that the NRA and GOA are actually fronts for terrorist organizations and that Wayne LaPierre and Charlton Heston are actually sleeper terrorists themselves.

At this time, they tell us, Bubba is holed up in a cabin in the mountains, threatening to shoot the remaining two reindeer if his manifesto is not published in the New York Times. There were initially four surviving reindeer, but agents say that Bubba discovered that Prancer and Comet were queer for each other and shot them both "for good measure."

At this time the BATF, along with SWAT teams from the FBI, DEA, FDA, IRS, EPA, EEOC, HUD, and the Surgeon General's office, has the cabin surrounded and reports that Bubba is accompanied by two other dangerous terrorists, his 4 year old son Elmer (Islamic name unknown) and his 6 year old daughter Francine (Islamic name unknown). However, BATF agents are reportedly taking their toll on Bubba's forces. Just shortly after noon today, before arrival of the other agencies, BATF agents shot and killed two of Bubba's accomplices.

Bubba's common law wife and second cousin, 41 year old Doreen (no last name given) was shot 47 times as she charged authorities with an automatic weapon, although the weapon has yet to been found. Also, the local coroner initially reported that it was rather unusual that all of the exit wounds were in the front of Doreen's body, since BATF agents claimed that she was charging them when she was shot. However, attempts to contact the coroner for further comment seems to indicate that the coroner is now missing, along with Doreen's body. BATF officials seem strangely unconcerned about this development.

Also killed was Bubba's 5 year old son, Bubba, Jr., who BATF agents say was heavily armed and perched in a sniper's blind in a nearby tree. BATF agents deny charges that Bubba, Jr. was actually only playing a hand-held video game in a tree-house.

When asked if they could show reporters any of the evidence they had collected, Chief BATF agent Joseph Mengela, III stated "That's not the way we work. After we bring this terrorist down, we'll make sure that there's plenty of evidence for you to see."

According to BATF agents, Bubba claims that the reason that he shot Santa Clause is because Santa is a symbol of a decadent western religious holiday and besides, he didn't leave the fully automatic AK-47 that Bubba, Jr. had requested for Christmas last year. However, before reporters were pushed back from hearing distance of the cabin, Bubba was reportedly yelling that he didn't shoot Santa and that Santa was actually taking surveillance photos for the NSA.

Santa's Public Relations elf, Claude, denied the allegation that Santa was working for the NSA, stating that, "The two boxes attached to the underside of the sleigh are not high-resolution cameras, as Bubba claimed, but are actually battery compartments for Santa's new electric seat warmer. Claude went on to say that if the Homeland Security Act, allowing guns in the cockpit, had been in effect sooner, Santa would have been able to defend himself.

When asked if reporters could see the sleigh, a man in a dark suit, sunglasses and an earphone in his ear, stepped forward and cut the interview short saying, "The sleigh will not be released until the NTSB has had a chance to finish examining the sleigh and its flight data recorder, in their crash investigation facility. That is all." However, we have been unable to find anyone at the NTSB who knows the whereabouts of the sleigh. Furthermore, an NTSB logistics clerk, whose job it is to log in all aircraft under investigation, assured us that not only did the NTSB not have the sleigh, but it was not on their list of expected aircraft.. Unfortunately, the line went dead about that time and further attempts to contact her have failed. It seems that she never returned from lunch.

Reports that neighbors saw a bright light rising from a nearby military base at about the time of the downing of Santa's sleigh, could not be confirmed, as those neighbors now appear to be missing, as well. Interestingly, those missing witnesses also seem to be of little interest to government officials at the scene.

The only comment from the Whitehouse came in the form of an official statement from President Bush's press secretary, Ari Fleischer. "The President is deeply saddened by this unprovoked attack on his dear friend, Santa Clause," said Fleischer, "and vows that Bubba and all other terrorists will soon be brought to justice. If it were not for the extreme limitations of the 4th Amendment, we might have known about Bubba a long time ago. But, thanks to the Homeland Security Act, granting us virtually unlimited access to every American's personal information, the 4th Amendment will soon cause us no more problems, as we will be able to profile and eliminate such citize... uh, terrorists before they become a problem."

When asked if Bubba would be tried in state or federal court, Fleischer stated that, "Since Bubba has been classified as a terrorist, as soon as authorities have him in custody, he will be transported to the terrorist detention facility at Guantanamo, Cuba, where he will be interrogated and eventually face a military tribunal."

In a press release issued early this afternoon, the North Pole announced that Christmas will be postponed indefinitely. In Santa's only statement to the press, before being wheeled into surgery, he responded to a question about the battery compartments on the sleigh saying, "What seat warmer?"

Watch for further news on this developing story.


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Editor's note: By strange coincidence, we have been unable to locate Bjorn Jorgensen, the journalist who submitted this story, since shortly after he submitted it. When asked if they had seen Jorgensen, BATF officials not only stated that they had never seen him, but denied that any such person ever existed. Despite the fact that Bjorn is my brother, a quick check of public records confirmed the BATF assertion. A further check of the home where we thought he lived revealed that the house had, in fact, been occupied for the last 40 years by a little old lady. BATF officials attribute the belief in Bjorn's existence, by the many of us who thought he actually existed, to mass hypnosis experiments by a local Islamic terrorist cell, of which Bubba was suspected of being the leader and the BATF has graciously offered to bring in a team of counselors to deprogram those of us who were affected. Niles Jorgensen

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Santa Shot Down Over Chinese Airspace

Leading Western diplomats were yesterday locked in heated debate with the Chinese authorities after it was revealed that Santa Claus has been captive in a Beijing prison since December last year.

"We are well within our rights as laid out in international law", said the Chinese ambassador to the U.N. yesterday. "We identified an object violating our airspace on the night of the 24th of December last year. Despite repeated radio warnings, the intruder refused to leave or land, and we were forced to take defensive action".

Santa's vehicle, a painted wooden sleigh, was struck by a barrage of 40mm anti-aircraft flak shells. With the immediate death of seven reindeer (and with Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer severely injured, later to be hunted down and bludgeoned with poles), the vessel was crippled and forced to crash-land, whereupon the pilot was apprehended by Chinese security forces.

Western officials have been assured that St. Nicholas is being treated fairly, but will be held until his trial, scheduled to begin in January 2001. Sources say that "things are not looking good" for the bearded philanthropist.

"Once we learned that this man had been violating our sovereignty at least once a year, we set up a task force to work out how he had repeatedly breached our security", Chinese internal security Chief Shi Sum Ho told a press conference. "We found that the children of several Western families have been in yearly contact with him, and believe that the documents they sent him contained sensitive military data which allowed him to bypass our defences."

These children, currently charged with espionage, have been moved to a secure facility where they face interrogation.

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Santa Claus Shot Down By USAF
Topic: International News

by Pak Cham Kai

The US Air Force announced yesterday that they had accidentally shot down Santa Claus, claiming that he had fit the description of terrorist Osama bin Laden.

Said Department of Defence spokesman Major Sam Shutemall, "At 0300 hours yesterday morning, an unregistered airborne conveyance bearing a bearded gentleman with headgear was sighted flying over our air force outpost in the North Pole. Our radar detectors established that the aircraft had a large payload of unidentified objects on board. Two F-16 fighters were scrambled to intercept the aircraft, which was of unidentified make, with a glowing red nose-cone in the shape of a reindeer. After a brief radio exchange, the F-16s fired missiles at the craft, bringing it down."

As it turns out, the unidentified aircraft was carrying the personification of Christmas, Santa Claus, together with his reindeer.

Debris consisting of various toys and charred reindeer flesh was strewn over a three-mile radius of the point of contact.

Major Shutemall said the event was unfortunate, and blamed the poor audio quality of the radio exchange between the aircraft, leading to the fatal misunderstanding.

Major Shutemall then read the transcript from the cockpit voice recorder recovered from Santa's sleigh.

USAF: Identify your point of origin, over.

Unidentified Aircraft: Santa Claus, son.

USAF:Afghanistan? Identify your purpose. Over.

Unidentified Aircraft:My sleigh's been laden with Christmas presents.

USAF:Slaying with Bin Laden's terrorist agents? Shoot down the bastard!

End of exchange.

In the wake of the mistake, the USAF has dispatched a battalion of grief and trauma counselors armed with Toys 'R' Us vouchers to tend to distraught children all over the country.

Meanwhile, a group calling itself the Elf Avenging Army has declared war on the United States, pledging that all American children will receive only socks and underwear in their stockings this December.

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U.S. Missile Defense Shield destroys Santa Claus

1:30 Eastern Standard Time
By Joe Schmoe
BANGOR, MAINE (MacGuffin News Service) - Santa Claus has been shot down over Maine by the new U.S. Missile Defense Shield. While the wreckage of his sleigh has not been found, officials have little hope for Santa's survival.

At 12:00 noon EST, the new U.S. missile defense system detected an unidentified radar signal entering into U.S. airspace from the North over the skies of Maine. After several unanswered requests for identification, it was determined that the bogey could represent a threat. A Patriot PAC-3 missile, the piece of the missile shield designed for short-range threats, was launched in response at 12:20. Two minutes and twenty seconds later, contact was made. Citizens of Bangor, Maine reported hearing an explosion above the clouds, but due to overcast skies, nothing was seen.

An anonymous source at the Department of Defense was quoted as saying, "we didn't realize who is was until it was too late. The clouds obscured the view from the mounted camera until the last second. Those terrified reindeer eye's behind the that glowing red nose will haunt me forever...but on a positive note, we hit something for a change."

Hundreds of millions of children to go without toys!
It is currently believed that jolly red holiday icon was making an early pass over the country in order to determine the quickest route for tonight's mass toy delivery. Sources at the White House said that a commission headed by Henry Kissinger was immediately going to be formed to investigate the incident. However, the administration has no official comment at this time.

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And, most importantly: The night Santa was Shot:

Santa Shot#15613
by Ben Ross

With christmas coming on I though that another christmas shooter would be needed on this site. A good drink complements a good meal and this will go well as a christmas warm up before a great meal.

15 ml grenadine
15 ml green creme de menthe
15 ml peppermint schnapps
1. Layer these in a shot glass in order red, green and white for that real christmas look.
2. Best drunk in a group.
3. 1,2,3 down th hatch.

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HoHoHo. Merry Christmas Y'all. :)
 

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theletch1

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My house is covered in scraps of wrapping paper. The santa shot down had to have been a decoy sent in by the NPSA (north pole security agency) to draw fire and cover for the real thing.;)
 

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