Resolving personality conflicts

[Carol]

A friend of mine has been training in MA for a lot longer than I have...from time to time I pick her brains for advice and ideas

We were chatting the other day and she brought up the subject of personality conflicts. So...something I'd like to throw out for discussion...

A clash in personality may be between student and instructor, student and student, even instructor and instructor.

Have you been in a situation where you've felt like you really weren't clicking well with someone you wanted to get along with...but couldn't?

Did you find a way to help the situation?

 

[zDom]

A friend of mine has been training in MA for a lot longer than I have...from time to time I pick her brains for advice and ideas

We were chatting the other day and she brought up the subject of personality conflicts. So...something I'd like to throw out for discussion...

A clash in personality may be between student and instructor, student and student, even instructor and instructor.

Have you been in a situation where you've felt like you really weren't clicking well with someone you wanted to get along with...but couldn't?

Did you find a way to help the situation?

My first TKD instructor didn't like me from the minute I walked in. Granted, I looked pretty rough at the time ...

Over the years, he would on occassion say some very hurtful, insulting things to me (not only me; to others, too...). I just grinned and bore it.

In the end, I think he learned to respect me as a martial artist for my hard work and dedication, even if he never did learn to like me. I ended up being the first adult student of his to start as a white belt under him and achieve black belt.

And I learned to smile and not get angry when someone says something hurtful or insulting and let in run like water off a duck's back — which is an important thing to have learned.

 

[Kacey]

I've never had this problem with my sahbum, although it has come up occasionally with other students. Mostly, I try to concentrate on what's going on in the class, and respond to that, rather than the commentary - although it hasn't been that much of a problem, because my sahbum encourages a great environment in his class, and clamps down on anything that might disrupt class pretty quickly, both of which I try to copy in my own class.

The time I encountered this most clearly was when I had just started TKD - there was a female blue belt who thought that juniors were there for her to use as a punching bag and to practice her skills at delivering insults (she was quite skilled in that area ). Several of us went to the senior student to ask for advice; he watched a few rounds, listened to her comments, and then offered to spar her - and treated her exactly as she treated us. She never came back after that.

 

[Budo_NJ]

Carol-
You come up with some great topics!

Kacey-
Great story!

I had a personality conflict with another student when I was a beginner in aikido. It seemed that he had a superiority/inferiority complex which displayed itself by kicking the crap out of beginner students. He left training for about a year and when he came back I was able to train just as hard as he was. After two months he left and didn't come back.

 

[Ceicei]

I do have a personality conflict with one of my current instructors. I could still walk away and go elsewhere. However, I want what I'm learning from him, so I am willing to stay just to train. We both know how we feel about each other; this conflict doesn't stop us from working out together.

- Ceicei

 

[Xue Sheng]

Personality conflicts!?!?!?

ME!!!!

Never

:wink2:

 

[wade]

Yeah, I had a guy come into class one night. It was strange, just looking at him pissed me off. He did join and he trained hard. He was polite, sincere and dedicated. This was about 10 years ago, he is still with me and to be honest, he still pisses me off.

 

[MA-Caver]

Nobody is going to get along with EVERYBODY and that's a hard thing to understand and to accept for some people. Another hard thing to do is to peel away the outer-layer(s) and see the person inside. That of course takes time... if we allow ourselves the time to see through them all. If time allows then we come to understand and eventually appreciate the person and we wonder why we didn't like them or they didn't like us in the first place.
A very close friend of mine (now deceased) got along great but his wife just wouldn't have anything to do with me. He pressed her for a reason why but she never told him why. When he passed away, suddenly (and literally suddenly) she was the "warm, terrific, sweet person" everyone else raved about, to me.
Now we're good friends and love each other as good friends do. Funny thing is she can't remember why she didn't like me at first.

I try my best to get along with everyone and when I can't then I'll accept it best as I may and go on. What really bothers me is when I get along famously with someone and then it goes sour for some odd reason or another. My fault, their fault, nobody's fault the thing goes sour and there's not a lot to do about it except move on. There are thousands and millions of people I haven't met yet. I shouldn't waste my life on trying to make friends (again or new ones) with those who won't take the time and patience and understanding.
Life is far too short.

 

[bluemtn]

I don't try to please everyone, but I try to find an "even ground" with those that are just really difficult. I find it easier to do this in martial arts classes than every day living, to be honest, even though I don't run into too many people that I wouldn't get a long with at least as an acquaintance.

I've never had an instructor- either of my own, or a local class (live in small town- you can figure it out) that I didn't get along with, at least marginally well. However, there have been students that have irked me to no end! One said that I sucked when it came to sparring. It might've been that I progressed a good bit faster than her, partially because I had some training before hand, and she wouldn't show up regularly. It started to tick me off, but then I just started ignoring her, and giving her some helpful tips.

 

[CuongNhuka]

Here's my view, take it for what you will. If you are trying to resolve a personnality conflict, you probably already got along. You just found somthing which you both feel strongly about, but have conflicting views on. Look at Egypt and Iran during the 80's. Hated each other, but Jimmy Carter sat 'em down, and wouldn't let them leave the room until they had hashed every thing out. Then, he made them talk it out, and they ended up on farely good terms. They both went there becuase they wanted the same thing, peace for their countries. However, they both viewed peace as the destruction of the other. But, they found common ties and eventaully got along fairly well.
See what I'm saying? Got a conflict with someone, sit down and hash it out. You both (obviously) have somthing incommon, other wise you wouldn't care enough to bother. Why not try to talk it out?

 

[qi-tah]

I find MA schools seem to be a fairly fertile ground for personality disputes... maybe because the students are generally quite combative ppl to start with, maybe b'cause of the never-ending politics that any sort of orginisation engenders, etc. If it's just a clash of personalities, somebody irritating you just by their manner of being, then it's easy... i just concentrate on training and keep any contact strictly within those boundaries. If they won't work with me on that level, then i'd find someone else who will.
Bullying and destructive behaviour is a little harder, particualy if it's tolerated (or even modelled!) by the instructor. If i found that a chat to the instructor about the situation didn't resolve matters, i'd consider looking for another school.

 

[stickarts]

I try to get to know them by finding out what their interests are, and seeing if we have any commonality. That is a good starting point to have discussion.
Sometimes you can not feel comfortable with someone and not even know why.
There was one person I didn't really like and as I thought about it I realized it was because he looked a lot like and old boss that I had that I didn't get along with! not very fair or rational but still it happens with people.
I got to know him and found he is not at all like my old boss!
If it becomes apparant that a student and I will just not click, we have many instructors on the staff and I never have hard feelings if a student prefers another instructor over me.

 

[Leopard claw]

Carol-
You come up with some great topics!

Kacey-
Great story!

I had a personality conflict with another student when I was a beginner in aikido. It seemed that he had a superiority/inferiority complex which displayed itself by kicking the crap out of beginner students. He left training for about a year and when he came back I was able to train just as hard as he was. After two months he left and didn't come back.

Had a problem pretty much like this when I started Karate with a Sempi (brown belt) that had a ego, complex problem. The guy loved to use cheap shots on newbies when the Sensei wasn't looking. I had already studied in Judo and Kung Fu for years before, so I just let it go for a couple of weeks, thinking he would chill out, he didn't so I put him on his back and left him there during sparring. Guess it did the job he stoped his bully actions from there on. Ego is best left hanging at the door when you walk in to train and learn!

 

[Jade Tigress]

A friend of mine has been training in MA for a lot longer than I have...from time to time I pick her brains for advice and ideas

We were chatting the other day and she brought up the subject of personality conflicts. So...something I'd like to throw out for discussion...

A clash in personality may be between student and instructor, student and student, even instructor and instructor.

Have you been in a situation where you've felt like you really weren't clicking well with someone you wanted to get along with...but couldn't?

Did you find a way to help the situation?

Oh most definitely. Dealing with it now with my training partner. It is a personality conflict, and I don't know how to deal with it other than not train with him. I just try to bite my lip and learn.

 

[Kacey]

Ego is best left hanging at the door when you walk in to train and learn!

Very, very true - and a lesson far too few people (martial artists or otherwise) ever learn.

 

[jdinca]

Depends on the level of the conflict. For the most part, focusing on the training and not on the individual helps quite a bit. The next step is to gravitate away from that person towards people I do get along with. If it becomes a true nuisance, then talking and trying to resolve it may be the proper course.

 

[meth18au]

I always try just focus on my own journey while I'm at training. If I focus on myself and put in 110% per cent effort every class, then I find very little distracts me from my training!!! However there was this one guy- back in my Kung Fu days. He was the sort of guy- come to class for a week, wouldn't see him for a month. And the cockiness of him!!!

For example in Toi-Sau (Southern Mantis's push-arms)- where we would do 30-45 minute sessions in a group- basically like an arm wrestle. The aim is to go hard, but still to endure for the time. He'd use his complete strength and use tricks like locking his elbow against newbies, to the point where the exercise cannot be continued by them due to muscular failure. Stroking your own ego if u ask me. As he wasn't there regularly- I only managed to get him in Toi-Sau one time!!! And boy did I make sure he hurt....I'm not one to stroke my own ego- but the guy had it coming.

He irritated me so much- so cocky, didn't put in the effort, and was full of ego. Just wasn't in the spirit of the training- everyone is there to learn in a comfortable environment.

 

[zDom]

Another two cents,

I don't think it is as important to figure out how to like everybody (which for some people may not even be possible) as it is to learn how to get along with people you don't like.

THAT is a "skill" that should prove useful in any person's life.

 

[Jade Tigress]

Here's something interesting, you all know that I have had issues with my training partner in the past, well, I have to say, the last couple times we trained together I have not been nearly as annoyed as I have in the past. I don't know if we're just figuring each other out, or if it's learning the new material we're on now that seems to have leveled, things out a bit. Whatever it is, it's better, I can only hope it stays that way.

 

[jdinca]

Here's something interesting, you all know that I have had issues with my training partner in the past, well, I have to say, the last couple times we trained together I have not been nearly as annoyed as I have in the past. I don't know if we're just figuring each other out, or if it's learning the new material we're on now that seems to have leveled, things out a bit. Whatever it is, it's better, I can only hope it stays that way.

Glad to hear it's getting better.