Funny Quotes

[Kirk]

I have no respect for gangs today. None. They just drive by and
shoot people. At least in the old days, like West Side Story, the
gangs used to dance with each other first.
| --Robert G. Lee

Republicans have called for a National African American Museum.
The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their
neighborhood.
| --Conan O'Brien


My stockbroker asked me something important today:
paper, or plastic?
| --Jay Leno

 

[Master of Blades]

Originally posted by Kirk
I have no respect for gangs today. None. They just drive by and
shoot people. At least in the old days, like West Side Story, the
gangs used to dance with each other first.
--Robert G. Lee

LOL, very funny :rofl:

 

[Kirk]

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal
thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature.
Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.
---Tina Fey

This is true: In Las Vegas, the first plastic surgery clinic
for pets opened. I took my French poodle there, and let me
tell you--eight fake boobs ain't cheap!
--Craig Kilborn

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought
this was interesting on the box, "Konsult Kardiologist"
---David Letterman

There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who
didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have
grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject
need. ... Please laugh.
--Dennis Miller

 

[chufeng]

When you've had an absolute "I hate my job" day, or a bad day in general try this :
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change into very comfortable clothing, such as a sweatsuit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement :

" Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested "

Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times :

" I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson &
Johnson Company. "


chufeng

 

[Kirk]

Originally posted by chufeng
When you've had an absolute "I hate my job" day, or a bad day in general try this :
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change into very comfortable clothing, such as a sweatsuit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement :

" Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested "

Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times :

" I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson &
Johnson Company. "


chufeng

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Seig]

Reminds me of the scene in Eddie Murphy's Dr. Doolittle where the dog is at the vet.......

 

[Kirk]

Saudi Arabian police arrested seven teenage boys for leering
at women. In accordance with Saudi law, the boys will be
whipped and the women will be stoned to death -- Tina Fey

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on firet --they're exactly
alike. -- Dave Attell

Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful
organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's
organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen
chasing a mailman. --Craig Kilborn

 

[Kirk]

Today is Valentine's Day -- or, as men like to call it,
EXTORTION DAY!

-- Jay Leno

:-D

 

[shadowdragon]

By Groucho Marx

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Sledgehammer (to Dori Doreau):

DD: You know, Sledge, sometimes you just could invite me to your home, just to talk.

SH: Just call me before you come.

DD: Why, you will cook me dinner ?

SH: No, I will disarm the traps.

 

[Kirk]

Credit is like a friendly bartender, wrapping his arm around your
shoulder and telling you it's okay, just put this round on your
credit card and take care of it with your next paycheck. Interest
is the surly bouncer who hustles you head-first out of the warm
tavern and face-first into the urine-stained snow bank, all the
while mercilessly punching you in the ribs as he methodically goes
through your pockets, until he gets back every last penny that
you owe him.

--Dennis Miller

 

[cali_tkdbruin]

Originally posted by Kirk
Credit is like a friendly bartender, wrapping his arm around your
shoulder and telling you it's okay, just put this round on your
credit card and take care of it with your next paycheck. Interest
is the surly bouncer who hustles you head-first out of the warm
tavern and face-first into the urine-stained snow bank, all the
while mercilessly punching you in the ribs as he methodically goes
through your pockets, until he gets back every last penny that
you owe him.

--Dennis Miller

I like it

It's too bad his show is no longer on HBO...

 

[Ty K. Doe]

If you can't understand the following quote by reading it, say it aloud.

"I am we tall did."

 

[KenpoGirl]

Originally posted by Ty K. Doe
If you can't understand the following quote by reading it, say it aloud.

"I am we tall did."

????

I... am ... we ... tall ... did???

I .. am .. we .. tall .. did???

I am we tall did???

I am wetall did??

I am wetalldid?



HEY!!!! That's not very nice. :shrug:

 

[Kirk]

I heard it like this:

I am we Todd did.
I am sofa king we Todd did.

 

[Ty K. Doe]

I am sofa king we Todd did.

:rofl:

I couldn't get it, so I read it out loud...at work.

Hmm. I must be sloooow.

 

[Master of Blades]

"I hate people who think its funny to take drugs.....Like Custom officers for example" - Jack Dee

:rofl:

 

[Kirk]

"I can resist everything except temptation."
-- Oscar Wilde

"And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who
said, 'A truck!' "
-- Emo Phillips

In an interview, Cher claimed that at one point in her life, she was
celibate for six straight years. And then she turned seven.
-- Craig Kilborn

People around the world will drink themselves into oblivion today
in honor of St. Patrick's Day. Or as the Irish refer to it, Monday.
-- Jimmy Fallon