Blackbelt Envy

[silatman]

I was first introduced to my current style of by my then brother in law.
We trained together for nearly 4 years before he had a major mid-life crisis, the end result being that he cheated on his partner of 10 years, 3 kids, two houses 2 cars etc, he had it all and threw it away.
This is not my problem, people do this sort of thing ALL the time.
My problems began when he became violent with my wife's sister ( his ex) to the point of police and court intervention.
Without going into gory details he had her and the kids terrified to the point that she signed away basically everything to him. She had to start again with nothing but 3 kids and their clothes and some basic furniture.
Now at the time this happened we had just graded for our last coloured belt and were training for our first black. Due to the court order he was made to quit all training in any art where I on the other hand trained and graded to black and am now nearly two years into my second dan.
The other night we had his son sleep over at our house and he proudly told me that Dad had resumed training by doing private lessons with my instructor and had already graded to black.
My first reaction was pure anger, at him, the brother in law, and especially with my instructor. My reasons were simple I felt betrayed by my instructor, that he would train this weak gutted excuse for a human as I had been fairly open to him privately about what he had been doing to his ex and kids and at my ex bro it was because he had always been the best in the class and from the story i had recieved from his son he had been graded in about 10 weeks, whilst I was made to attend at least 80 sessions and a minimum of 1 year studying.
Training happened to be on the same night so I was all reved up to confront my instructor and demand to know why he had devalued MY belt by grading a known
wife-beater and why he had felt the need to conceal the truth.
Luckily good sense came to me in time and I didn't go into the dojo all guns blazing and questioning my instructor infront of other lower ranks.
When I finally had a chance for a private word it turned out that my ex bro is so full of it his eyes have turned brown. My instructor was as angry about his reputation as I was about my perceived betrayal.

My question is this Was my reaction acceptable or at least logical given the circumstances or am I a fool to want everyone to be graded with an even and equal set of requirements given that everyone is different, in fact our art promotes it?
Thoughts, questions?

 

[KungLE]

Wow, you show'd much more restraint then most people would have. Cheers to you, and I hope everything works out with your family.

 

[Jade Tigress]

You were absolutely justified in your feelings and expectations. Kudos on the way you handled it. Anger can often make us jump to conclusions before having all the facts, you handled it perfectly IMO. :asian:

 

[terryl965]

You were absolutely justified in your feelings and expectations. Kudos on the way you handled it. Anger can often make us jump to conclusions before having all the facts, you handled it perfectly IMO. :asian:

Jade hit it right on the head

 

[MarkBarlow]

I'd be amazed if you weren't hurt and angry but, as others have said, you're to be commended for calming down and speaking to your instructor rationally and with respect. Until all the facts are know, it's easy to fly off the handle and do or say things you'll regret later.

A temptation (for me at least) would be to let your nephew know what a lying sack of excrement his dad is but please don't. Good or bad, that's his father and like finding out that Santa isn't real, it's important to let him learn in his own time that dad isn't a shining example to follow.

Again, I applaud the way you've handled this.

 

[IcemanSK]

I'd be amazed if you weren't hurt and angry but, as others have said, you're to be commended for calming down and speaking to your instructor rationally and with respect. Until all the facts are know, it's easy to fly off the handle and do or say things you'll regret later.

A temptation (for me at least) would be to let your nephew know what a lying sack of excrement his dad is but please don't. Good or bad, that's his father and like finding out that Santa isn't real, it's important to let him learn in his own time that dad isn't a shining example to follow.

Again, I applaud the way you've handled this.

I agree with Mark & also commend you for your restraint. It could have been disasteroushad you gone in "guns ablazin'" into your instructor. I also agree with Mark to resist tell your nephew about his dad. He'll find out in due time....& it won't be easy. Just be the "stand up" guy he needs before & after he discovers that news.

 

[bluekey88]

It's funny, you responded in a way that most of us would. I'd certainly be angry and hurt under the circumstances you described. That's normal...the fact that you feel at all bad about having those feelings speaks a lot about your level of integrity as a fellow human being. Here's the thing, feelings are neither good nor bad. They simply ARE. If something happens and it makes me feel angry...then I'm supposed to feel angry. If it makes me happy, then that's what is supposed to happen.

What is important is how we act on our feelings. You were ready to do one thing, but you got yourself under control and handled the situation in a mature and responsible way.

In short, don't get on yourself for having negativbe emotions. That's normal and does not make you a lesser person. Applaud yourself for your maturity and restraint.

Peace,
Erik

 

[Shotochem]

Glad to hear you kept you cool and did not lower yourself.

The old saying that you can choose your friends but you are stuck with family is sadly true. I'm still looking for a my sister to trade up on her current model of husband.

A cocker spaniel would be agreat improvement..........:wink:

-Marc-

 

[kaizasosei]

i was told something interesting recently.

- no matter who you are even if you are a president of a company, if you come home to a family who doesnt love you, then you aren't really successful.

i thought about this. it's weird but it sortof applies in different situations.


j

 

[Kacey]

What they said - after what this person did, he deserves more than righteous anger; that you were able to calm yourself down and approach the situation rationally speaks well of you as a person. :asian:

 

[Rich Parsons]

You were absolutely justified in your feelings and expectations. Kudos on the way you handled it. Anger can often make us jump to conclusions before having all the facts, you handled it perfectly IMO. :asian:

You felt angry.

You felt betrayed.

You felt upset.

You felt ... , .

In the end you walked into class and did not just quit.

You asked about the situation privately. Not in an emotional situation.


So, while being a human being who is capable of making a mistake in the moment of a situation, but was able to address it in an adult like manner.

Hmmmm? I personally see little wrong here.

If you think it was wrong, and it is not for me to decide, the try to look at why you were angry. Look at the issue at hand. Talk to someone about it if you need too. A trained professional such as a psychologist who looks to discuss the issue or a religious person with the training.

Just my comments.

 

[theletch1]

like finding out that Santa isn't real,

What?!:jaw-dropping:

Your reaction was completely understandable. You have to remember that this wasn't just "Blackbelt envy" as you titled the thread. There are serious emotions tied up in domestic abuse, especially if you're close to the abused. Your respect for a dear friend was momentarily (for right or wrong) shattered and your sense of right and wrong was sent into high gear. The fact that you had the good sense and self discipline to calm yourself and discuss it with your instructor as an adult speaks volumes for your character.

 

[silatman]

Thank you everyone for the posts, I have worked very hard on changing my personallity and I think just maybe that it is finally starting to work.
It is nice to know that other people believe that my response was justified but I just felt so guilty for being angry with my instructor. I kept telling myself that it is his system and he can grade and train anybody he wants to anytime he wants to.
The thing that finally made me calm enough to enter class was the knolledge that my black belt was earned and no matter what else happens I know that my skill level matches my belt level, and no body can take that away from me.
Thanks again guys.

 

[jks9199]

Thank you everyone for the posts, I have worked very hard on changing my personallity and I think just maybe that it is finally starting to work.
It is nice to know that other people believe that my response was justified but I just felt so guilty for being angry with my instructor. I kept telling myself that it is his system and he can grade and train anybody he wants to anytime he wants to.
The thing that finally made me calm enough to enter class was the knolledge that my black belt was earned and no matter what else happens I know that my skill level matches my belt level, and no body can take that away from me.
Thanks again guys.

In any organization, you'll find that some people are given rank or positions or status for talent or hard work, earning their rank for their skill. You'll find others are given rank or status because of who they are, or because they've done something for the people who give out rank, or just because...

It's frustrating, if you've earned your position, to see someone else get the same position without working as hard. But you have to rely on the confidence and trust that you've earned the position.

And... it's quite possible that one person will be in more than one category; they worked hard, and earned their position, but are also the "favored son" (in part because they work hard...) and even did something special for the promotional group...