Hagakure
Blue Belt
Hey people.
Not sure where I'm going with this, it's a "make it up as you go" kinda thread. I'm in a place emotionally at the moment, that, I'm so unbelieveably angry most of the time. I can feel it sitting there underneath the surface of my normal behaviour. I feel like a coiled spring.
I'll give you an example. I get home from work, and I'm non-communicative. Last night, my little girl, absolute angel to me, my world, had a heavy cold, temperature, runny nose etc, and is crying for me at 0200 in the morning. So after a while, she wouldn't let me do anything to help her, I tried giving her medicine, and she fought against me tooth and nail, and, I bawled at her to take her medicine. I felt terrible for having scared her, and having lost my temper. It's not the first time either. Not with her, but over the last few months in particular, I've just snapped on a few occassions, no warning, it just happens.
Even with training in the MA, meditation, and doing weights and going running, it's not enough to channel it.
I've tried to analyse it rationally, and look at the reasons in my life as to why this emotion may be manifesting itself so intensely but I don't know if it's just a cop out. The last 2.5 years have seen me become a dad, get married, get made redundant, go back to uni, move house, finish my degree, have my little girl go through some pretty serious surgery, started an uber high powered job that I don't enjoy but pays well and will get us into NZ. Just feels like I can't catch a breath sometimes. My emotions are in an unpredictable loop that's seemingly beyond my control.
Can't seem to shake this anger thing. Wondered if any of you'd experienced similar circumstances/emotions/experiences and how and if you were able to come through the other side ok. Or, if you have any ideas or suggestions for coping mechanisms? Dunno why I'm posting it to you lot, don't wanna keep hassling my wife I guess. She's put up with a lot from me, and I don't want to jeapardise us. I guess it's also easier in some ways sharing with those you don't know particularly well at all...
Not sure where I'm going with this, it's a "make it up as you go" kinda thread. I'm in a place emotionally at the moment, that, I'm so unbelieveably angry most of the time. I can feel it sitting there underneath the surface of my normal behaviour. I feel like a coiled spring.
I'll give you an example. I get home from work, and I'm non-communicative. Last night, my little girl, absolute angel to me, my world, had a heavy cold, temperature, runny nose etc, and is crying for me at 0200 in the morning. So after a while, she wouldn't let me do anything to help her, I tried giving her medicine, and she fought against me tooth and nail, and, I bawled at her to take her medicine. I felt terrible for having scared her, and having lost my temper. It's not the first time either. Not with her, but over the last few months in particular, I've just snapped on a few occassions, no warning, it just happens.
Even with training in the MA, meditation, and doing weights and going running, it's not enough to channel it.
I've tried to analyse it rationally, and look at the reasons in my life as to why this emotion may be manifesting itself so intensely but I don't know if it's just a cop out. The last 2.5 years have seen me become a dad, get married, get made redundant, go back to uni, move house, finish my degree, have my little girl go through some pretty serious surgery, started an uber high powered job that I don't enjoy but pays well and will get us into NZ. Just feels like I can't catch a breath sometimes. My emotions are in an unpredictable loop that's seemingly beyond my control.
Can't seem to shake this anger thing. Wondered if any of you'd experienced similar circumstances/emotions/experiences and how and if you were able to come through the other side ok. Or, if you have any ideas or suggestions for coping mechanisms? Dunno why I'm posting it to you lot, don't wanna keep hassling my wife I guess. She's put up with a lot from me, and I don't want to jeapardise us. I guess it's also easier in some ways sharing with those you don't know particularly well at all...