Anger can you control it?

[still learning]

Hello, Many times you see sitution turn ugly because of someone getting anger or mad.

Anger is a learn response most of us had come into from our parents,peers, and role models.

How did you learn to control your "Anger" response? or how did you learn to keep a "cool headed". Was it from a special role model?

When I was a 5th grader, many of the kids would tease me because Koreans are hot header, that was a common way to think in those days, and I would get angry/mad at them. I am part Korean, part Japanese.

I made a decison NOT to get angry or mad when ever something went wrong. It took many years to control this anger ...sometimes learning from mistakes and situtions that got worst instead of better.

As an adult the anger management got under better control (not always).

When my kids were born...this is when it really got under control...I did not want them to learn to be angry or mad when something happens or broke or situtions cause by someone else.

Today I notice when things happen and people see me NOT anger but similing and saying how can we solve this or that is OK it can be replace...and so on. It was easier to settle the problems.

How about you?

 

[newGuy12]

Good topic! I have subscribed to it.

One thing that seemed to be useful to me was when I was doing yoga poses in the morning. Just the asanas. They are no good for fighting, though they do give range of motion.

I do not know why that I would seem to have a calmer day when I did the yoga poses in the morning, but I did. I do not care why it works, I only care that it does work.

I should resume that practice. I must not be too lazy to get up earlier to spend that time.

Again, good thread, Sir!




Robert

 

[MA-Caver]

One thing to remember is that Anger is an emotion. Just like love, hate, peaceful, fear, joy, sadness and so on. We're born with it. It's part of our makeup and who we are as individual human beings. How we control it marks our level of intelligence and self-will.
We always, always choose how we feel over something. The choice can be made instantaneously or after much thought or, somewhere in between. Likewise we can choose to stop being angry over something/someone though sometimes it takes a while longer to revert from one emotion to the next.
We can practice learning to postpone choosing how we feel or choosing to control the amount of the (chosen) feeling.
Some people talk about getting angry over a bunch of little things. Mad about someone cutting them off in traffic, mad about some rude waiter at the resturant, mad about a snide remark from a co-worker, mad about the extra work given just before going home, mad about being stuck in rush-hour, mad about the line at the store, and so on. Those are little things and we can choose to hold on to the mad abouts or let them all go as soon as they're done or more dangerously choose to lump them all together to one great big MAD and taking it out on the poor sap that (unknowingly) tosses another piece of straw on your (mad) camel's back.
It still boils down to choice. You can choose to get all mad, fired up and raging which is a lot of energy produced by the body or take that built up energy and rechannel it to something else, or choose to NOT feel it (very possible... not easy but possible) and do something positive.

What-ever and how-ever you choose to deal with anger is up to you. Life is full of choices, it's up to you. It always has been, it always will be.

oh, never, NEVER let anyone say "you made me feel this way..." you can't force anyone to feel anything... they, like you, choose to. Likewise don't use that excuse to anyone else.

 

[Big Don]

The best I can do is supress anger.

 

[Touch Of Death]

The best I can do is supress anger.

Aren't there times when you want the opposite?
Sean

 

[Kennedy_Shogen_Ryu]

My Aikido instructor told me a story that has always stuck by me.

He was bouncing in a bar and one night he was in the bathroom when some guy walked up to him and said "if you don't give me your wallet I'm going to beat the *insert expletive here* out of you. His initial thought, I'd really like to show this guy who he's messing with. What did he do? He said to the guy, "I can appreciate the fact that you are a little short on money right now, tell you what tell me how much you want to borrow and I'll collect from you next time I see you here". Guy got so confused as to who was in charge of the situation that he just turned around and left.

Now he could have gone with his first instinct which was to get angry with the guy and put him in his place, but really, where would that have gotten him? Instead he used the calm and control that he had learned through martial arts and instead defused and took control of the situation.

If you ask me, anger is one of the hardest emotions to keep control of and once you've lost it, it's hard to get it back, and hard to control a situation.

I agree with what Bruce Lee said, just be like water and keep on flowin'!

 

[Big Don]

Aren't there times when you want the opposite?
Sean

Not at all. No one thinks clearly when they are enraged. The quickest way to out smart someone, in any situation, is to piss them off.

 

[Gordon Nore]

The one thing I try not to do when I'm angry is to make a decision. Anger's a fact of life IMO. Choices made in anger can backfire.

This is a point that I'm constantly harping on with elementary and middle schoolers. I tell them that it is perfectly normal to be angry at someone else. It is normal to want to kick someone in the ****; however, all actions have consequences. If possible I prefer to deal with a situation when I'm not angry anymore rather than trying to trick myself into thinking that my anger is under control.

 

[theletch1]

I'll let my sig line speak for me.

One of the things that we do in aikido is redirect energy. That doesn't have to stop with physical energy, it can extend to the emotional as well. I've had a few situations (during my divorce) where I was able to "redirect" my ex-wifes emotions away from a topic or thought pattern that would have made things more difficult. You can't think clearly when you're angry, as Big Don so aptly pointed out, so being able to stop a fight before it gets physical is rarely possible if you don't control your anger.

To be honest with you I have always felt that anger and ego went hand in hand. I was taught humility from childhood on and never really had a problem controlling anger. I never allowed myself to be walked on, mind you, but never allowed ego to take control of my thought process.

 

[Gordon Nore]

To be honest with you I have always felt that anger and ego went hand in hand.

I've never heard it put so well. I'm going to adopt that observation.

 

[tellner]

Anger is a physiological state, a biochemical phenomenon. You can induce it directly by messing with hormone levels. In fact, I made a few bucks years ago being a research subject for just that.

With some discipline and awareness you can often head off anger before it gets rolling. And you can function when you are angry. But getting rid of it? I wouldn't. There are times when it is perfectly appropriate. When it is it gives you an edge which shouldn't lightly be thrown away. There are fights I should have lost, but I was ticked off and damned if I was going to lose to that so-and-so. The key is to make sure the higher faculties are in the driver's seat, not the pure emotion.

 

[still learning]

Hello, Have you notice when people are smiling instead of being anger in situtions....it is easier to solve.

A positive behavior or an anger behavior are choices everyone can choose!

Our emotions are learn from our parents and role models, and we can change the bad ones! by following those with good behavior!

True story : Two older couple standing in line for a show, someone bumb someone, and the two older gentleman got angry at each other,few word were exchange and one guy push the other guy, who fell hit his head on the brick wall and die!

One was bury and other charge for manslaughter......Angry /as one said "EGO's got in the way of a sitution that could have end as friendships!

Push: a martial art technique, pushing someone down is better than pushng someone up? (noteull is the opposite of push)...pulling sometimes is better than pushing.

Aloha (gotta push my car? ....no start!)...you pull and I push...ok same time!

 

[still learning]

Anger is a physiological state, a biochemical phenomenon. You can induce it directly by messing with hormone levels. In fact, I made a few bucks years ago being a research subject for just that.

With some discipline and awareness you can often head off anger before it gets rolling. And you can function when you are angry. But getting rid of it? I wouldn't. There are times when it is perfectly appropriate. When it is it gives you an edge which shouldn't lightly be thrown away. There are fights I should have lost, but I was ticked off and damned if I was going to lose to that so-and-so. The key is to make sure the higher faculties are in the driver's seat, not the pure emotion.

Hello, Good point...to use it appropriately? and maintain control of it to inspire more aggression! "Don't forget to smile when getting punch!"

Aloha,

 

[Adept]

We always, always choose how we feel over something.

Well, yes and no.

Our brains process the stimuli are passed to them, by our nerves, from our sensory organs, and tabulate a result. That process can accurately be called a 'choice.'

However it is incorrect to assume that the brain could have, free from influence of stimuli, chosen freely how to react. No more than a dice can freely choose which face to show after it rolls.

The best we can do is ignore all the 'freedom to choose' stuff, try really hard not to think about things like how the laws of physics apply to the human brain and the resulting deterministic conclusions, and try our hardest to be in control of ourselves.

Not at all. No one thinks clearly when they are enraged. The quickest way to out smart someone, in any situation, is to piss them off.

Again, yes and no. Someone who is enraged is often out of control. Which can be a good thing if you can then take advantage of that, but in the 'real world' that is often not the case.

As martial artists we often say that speed, commitment to action and pre-emptive aggression are incredibly useful tools. A poorly executed technique to a non-ideal target still stands a good chance of succeeding if it is executed swiftly, with commitment to the action, and before the other guy sees it coming. Someone who is enraged will almost always have those three items in their favour, and in the real world, will possibly have things like size, strength, stamina, skill and numbers in their favour as well.

It can work well in the ring, making a fighter forget his tactics, over-extend, exhaust himself, commit to a predictable action, or so on, but in real life it is a much riskier tactic that is less likely to pay off.

 

[Adept]

Personally, I've had a bit of an anger management problem in the past, and it's been quite expensive. I've put numerous holes in walls, broken wind-shields, smashed many a household item, and most of my front teeth are chipped and worn from unconsciously gritting my teeth far, far too hard.

I've learned to (mostly) control it by becoming aware of my warning signs. When my fists clench, my head cocks and my jaw sets, I know that my buttons are being pushed and I can make a conscious attempt to calm myself down. Or not, as the situation warrants!

 

[still learning]

Hello, Anger is a learn response!

As children growing up....when kids do something parents do not like? They get anger at us....(parents are out role models)

If parents use a more positive approach, with smiling and saying OK How can we make this better? or at least in a happy way. We would learn NOT to get angry. Everytime something goes wrong.

Anger? is learn and can be control. It took years to learn this from our parents and role models....like all habits it can be change.

Hanging out with people who gets "angry" real fast is NOT FUN TO BE WITH. Because there is more than one way to handle situtions.

Some people think it is OK to be angry? They must have alot of it in there stomachs? Wonder where they got them?

Aloha .......(left mines on the bench at the beach....I think someone took some of my "angrys" with them.)

 

[qwksilver61]

Just a couple of things I've learned along life's road;
1)don't argue with a woman,you will never win (even if you think you have won,it will probably come back and bite you in another way)
2)if you are going to say something you will regret(hurtful) STOP, re-evaluate;will this cause emotional trauma to the other person and cause them to resent you?
3)walk away if you can,sometimes we let our ego get the best of us
4)forgiveness is truly divine (depends on your core moral beliefs)be the better man,no matter what,and people will respect that.
all of this is a lot easier said than done,discipline not withheld
I tell my training partner the same thing that was told to me;get rid of the tension (he HAD anger issues) it will only defeat you and you will fail at Wing Tsun,flow, be cool,precise and deliberate.
5) my favorite;COOL HEADS PREVAIL!
hope this helps.........Qwk61

 

[jks9199]

Personally, I've had a bit of an anger management problem in the past, and it's been quite expensive. I've put numerous holes in walls, broken wind-shields, smashed many a household item, and most of my front teeth are chipped and worn from unconsciously gritting my teeth far, far too hard.

I've learned to (mostly) control it by becoming aware of my warning signs. When my fists clench, my head cocks and my jaw sets, I know that my buttons are being pushed and I can make a conscious attempt to calm myself down. Or not, as the situation warrants!

I know where you're coming from.

In fact, I acquired the useful skill of drywall repair as a practical need in high school.

But I also have learned to (generally) keep my temper in reign, or at least control where and when I express it. Doing so is a bit of a professional necessity...

I have learned that I do need to express it somewhere, or it just winds up and builds a "background tension" that ends up coming out in seriously overreacting somewhere that I can do so. Which means that I've sometimes slipped a few minutes on a heavy bag, or pulled over somewhere that I can rant for several minutes in safety rather than react directly to the provocation. I talso helps to be able to analyze the source... I don't let ********s punch my buttons.

 

[Kacey]

Hello, Anger is a learn response!

I disagree. How you respond to anger is a learned response - but the anger itself, like any other emotion, comes from physiological, biochemical responses to events.

Do I get angry at events? Certainly. But as an adult, and a martial artist, I have learned to control my response to situations that anger me.

Can that type of response be learned through parental modeling? Yes, it can, just as lack of control of anger (or any other emotion) can be learned through parental modeling - and so can the control of any emotion. Such control, or lack thereof, can also be learned from others in society - thus the stories about youngsters from "troubled" backgrounds who succeed because of an adult who mentors them, and provides an alternative example.

From Remo Williams:

Chiun: "Fear is nothing more than a feeling. You feel hot, you feel hungry, you feel angry, you feel afraid. Fear can never kill you."

Feelings are visceral, physical responses - it is how you react to those responses that is important; we are not Vulcans, to suppress our feelings - rather, we channel them and control how we express them.

 

[Big Don]

From Remo Williams:

I watched that movie in the theater with two friends, 3 hours later, we couldn't remember any of it... not the sign of a good flick.