Am I Dealing With a Reduced Dating Pool?

[LoneRider]

Sorry to flood this board with now three posts on affairs of the heart but since coming home from Iraq they've been pushed to the forefront of my mind.

Perhaps also the fact that I'm entering a new career in the US Army after four years in the US Navy is also causing a bit of consternation for me emotionally (even though it was a desired career change I still have my apprehensions).

The three main traits I look for in a woman are thus and not in any particular order (all three of them are equally important and must be met):

• Attractiveness: I don't want to be a jerk but this is an important trait. If I can't look at her it's impossible to date her. Now she doesn't have to be super-hot. Goodness no. I tend to prefer cute; girl next door type of brunettes in the looks department.
• Personality:Kindness and compassion are huge turn-ons for me. And being a dog person is yet another turn on (as I have a dog myself).
• Intelligence: I like someone I can have an intelligent conversation on almost anything with.

I'm Filipino by descent (born and raised in the US) and the sort of women I prefer tend to be Caucasians. It doesn't seem that too many of them like Asian men though.

Some ask why don't I date Filipino women. I hate to be blunt but they remind me too much of my relatives to elicit desire out of me.

I believe the root of that issue is the one serious fight me and my father have had in an otherwise great father/son relationship. When I was a teenager and in my early 20s (I'm 26 now) Dad tried to insist I date a Filipino woman and I violently refused. It lead to more than a few fierce arguments and thus my longstanding refusal to date 'my own kind' as someone once put it.

I just wonder if my preference for Caucasian women means I'm contending with an inherently smaller dating pool?

 

[Bill Mattocks]

Attractiveness: I don't want to be a jerk but this is an important trait. If I can't look at her it's impossible to date her.

That's your only problem. But fortunately, it cures itself. You get to spend your life alone, or find someone as shallow as yourself and both end up hating each other in a few short years.

 

[Sukerkin]

Well, from what you say, it would seem that you are somewhat limiting yourself in terms of the breadth of the general population you are willing to consider.

Of course, all of us do that to some extent or other. For a long time, I only ever seemed to date tall, well endowed, brunette's with at least one degree to their name. That's a pretty select group (I would estimate about half a percent of the population (at the time when I was your age )).

However, after twenty odd years of this, I surprisingly settled down with a short blond (admittedly she has a degree but it's in photography so that doesn't really count ).

My point being that things change with time. The 'filters' we apply gradually drop away and in the end partnerships are built on what people are like rather than what they look like. Of course, there is the overwhelming evidence that we marry our mothers to consider as well - my missus is alarmingly similar to my mother in far too many ways .

 

[LoneRider]

That's your only problem. But fortunately, it cures itself. You get to spend your life alone, or find someone as shallow as yourself and both end up hating each other in a few short years.

I'm sorry but it's the truth. If she's hideously overweight with bad hygene I can't find that attractive. Are you implying I shouldn't worry about looks at all?

 

[Bill Mattocks]

I'm sorry but it's the truth.

Don't be sorry. If that's your criteria, that's your criteria. My statement is that your criteria makes you shallow and dooms you to bad relationships, but you'll find that out on your own, much later.

If she's hideously overweight with bad hygene I can't find that attractive.

Overweight is not 'hideous', nor is it synonymous with 'bad hygiene', but again, that's part of your internal issues. You'll have to sort that out for yourself.

Are you implying I shouldn't worry about looks at all?

I'm not implying, I'm stating it outright, I'm very clear about it. You'll find I seldom mince words.

 

[LoneRider]

Notice that I also value personality and intellect too. Not just looks. But all three components are important to me.

Is it a crime that I don't like overweight or plump women? I'm sorry but I find being overweight or obese not attractive.

 

[Bill Mattocks]

Is it a crime that I don't like overweight or plump women? I'm sorry but I find being overweight or obese not attractive.

It's not a crime, and you're entitled to your opinion. I have no problem with that.

I am merely making a couple statements.

The first is that your criteria makes you a shallow person.

The second is that although you are perfectly entitled to order your life as you see fit, in my experience, you're doomed to unhappiness because of your criteria. My opinion only.

I hope that if you do find someone who meets your standards appearance-wise, you meet hers as well. And if you should grow a paunch or start to lose your hair, I hope she doesn't dump you for being ugly. I mean, she does have that right, yes?

 

[David43515]

IT`s no crime to not be attracted to one type or another. But you do limit yourself by saying that you`ll only date caucasians because as you yourslf said, the number of them that date asian men is only a small part of the whole.

I dated latin girls, caucasians, asians, arabs, blacks (my mother nearly died, so did hers, which was interesting to hear about.) and everyone else if I liked the girl`s looks and personality. However I was up front about the fact I wouldn`t marry outside my religion. I always liked tall girls with long legs and nice wracks.....and wound up falling very deeply in love with a amazing girl who is short and flat chested even by Japanese standards. We`ve been married for 4 1/2years now.

All I think any of us are saying is that it wouldn`t hurt to keep your options open. You never know when you`ll meet the girl who`s the exception to the rule, the one who`s not your type but you can`t stop thinking about her. Whether she`s Fillapina, Japanese, a Swedish blonde, or a whoever....you`ll find your tastes change the more girls you date. If you just try to relax and get to know the women around you you`ll be suprised at how cool they can be. And when you least expect it, one of them may realise what a great guy you are and snap you up. (Little know fact: you chase women until they catch you.)

 

[LoneRider]

David. Thanks. But for me Filipino women remind me too much of my relatives to be desireable mates. Sorry. It'd be like asking an aunt out for date which I couldn't do.

I don't know; I have my preferences and type. I know what attracts me and what doesn't attract me. Why do some see me as wrong for having preferences?

 

[Tames D]

My prediction is, that when all is said and done, you will fall in love and marry a slightly overweight Filipino woman, who really doesn't like dogs too much. Just the way things seem to work out.

 

[LoneRider]

I refuse to even consider it. First off Filipino women are not my type at all. I've said it time and again they remind me too much of my relatives to elicit desireability in me. Second off I am repulsed by obesity.

 

[David43515]

David. Thanks. But for me Filipino women remind me too much of my relatives to be desireable mates. Sorry. It'd be like asking an aunt out for date which I couldn't do.

I don't know; I have my preferences and type. I know what attracts me and what doesn't attract me. Why do some see me as wrong for having preferences?

I think you`re reading too much into it. EVERYBODY has preferences. You`re attracted to who you`re attracted to. I think what people are saying is don`t let just one of your three criteria override the other two, at least not to extremes. We`re afraid that you`re missing out on somebody wonderful because you`re not giving them a chance.

But I can see your point, one of the things I love about my wife is that she`s physically nothing like my mom. (But now that I read what Sukerkin wrote, I recognize so many similar personality traits it`s scary. They get along great without even sharing a common language besides estrogenese.)

Besides, like I said before. The right girl has a way of showing up when you`re NOT looking for her. relax and let things take thier course. Get out, be social, but be relaxed, and someone you meet as a friend will end up being the love of your life. never fails

 

[jks9199]

Here's the thing.

I'm almost willing to defend you on the "she must be attractive" thing... with a qualifier that you don't seem to be adding. The women you date must be attractive TO YOU.

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

-William Shakespeare, Sonnet 130.

Where you lose it is when you say all but say "they must be Caucasian." And, on top of that, they must fit a relatively narrow "girl next door" vibe.

I'm beginning to feel like a freakin' broken record. Look for a person you can be friends with... Stop worrying about types, or "finding someone." Just be yourself, do things you enjoy in situations that involve other people... and be open to what might come.

 

[Sukerkin]

One factor that hasn't been touched on yet is age. I'm inferring you're in your early-to-mid-twenties from what you've said in your posts? Forgive me if I'm way off on that.

Trust us old coots when we say that what you think and feel on these matters will change as you get older. I swear this to be true; nearly all of us having very much been a slave to our hormones in our younger days and only being interested in 'beautiful' girls.

The 'physical attractiveness' side of things will reduce in importance and the 'personality' trait will become parmount. That is because when you're going to try to spend your life with someone, as oppossed to shorter term relationships, how they look is a very small part of the equation. What they are like as a person is the deal maker.

'Intelligence' is a harder one to call. I can say that a relationship can survive a big disparity in IQ and education because that is the case in mine. It doesn't matter to me a jot that my missus cannot cogently argue on matters of history, economics, art, matematics et al. But for some other people there is a need for intellectual parity for the sake of stimulating conversation in the home.

 

[zDom]

Why is that those of us (I'm in the same boat, Lone) that don't find obesity attractive are branded as shallow?


A preference for a well-toned body in a mate and a depth of character are not mutually exclusive and I resent those who claim they are.

But to answer your original post, Lone: the most specific you are about what you will accept as a potential mate, the smaller the dating pool.

And you are being fairly specific ...

 

[Blindside]

I just wonder if my preference for Caucasian women means I'm contending with an inherently smaller dating pool?

I suspect the non-PC answer is Yes, you are dealing with a smaller dating pool. Unless things have dramatically changed from 15 years ago, the huge majority of mixed asian/caucasian couples are a white male and an asian female, with the percentage being something like 10:1 or so compared to the reverse. (Thats based off of about 8 years of schooling at the University of Washington that runs about a 25 % asian population on campus.) That said, there are plenty of caucasian women out there who get the yellow fever.

 

[Ken Morgan]

One factor that hasn't been touched on yet is age. I'm inferring you're in your early-to-mid-twenties from what you've said in your posts? Forgive me if I'm way off on that.

Trust us old coots when we say that what you think and feel on these matters will change as you get older. I swear this to be true; nearly all of us having very much been a slave to our hormones in our younger days and only being interested in 'beautiful' girls.

The 'physical attractiveness' side of things will reduce in importance and the 'personality' trait will become parmount. That is because when you're going to try to spend your life with someone, as oppossed to shorter term relationships, how they look is a very small part of the equation. What they are like as a person is the deal maker.

'Intelligence' is a harder one to call. I can say that a relationship can survive a big disparity in IQ and education because that is the case in mine. It doesn't matter to me a jot that my missus cannot cogently argue on matters of history, economics, art, matematics et al. But for some other people there is a need for intellectual parity for the sake of stimulating conversation in the home.

Oh and don’t forget poor eye sight, when we or they can’t really see what the other one looks like, the size of the acceptable ones goes way up!!

 

[Phoenix44]

I think you should focus less on what you're "attracted to," and more on putting yourself in situations where you're likely to meet someone in whom you may be interested.

For example: If you join a gym, pool, or running club, you're likely to meet women with an athletic build. If you take a course in low fat cooking, you'll probably run into women who are conscious of nutrition. If you move to Utah, you'll probably meet a lot of Caucasian women...OK, just kidding there, but you get my point.

 

[Omar B]

You know what you like, that's great. After all, achieving a goal starts with identifying it, I don't think what you said is shallow or any of that crap, you like your women a certain way. Now it's to figure out how to go about it. Phoenix suggested some good places, start there.

 

[Bill Mattocks]

Why is that those of us (I'm in the same boat, Lone) that don't find obesity attractive are branded as shallow?

Why is the shallow end of the pool labeled 'shallow'? Because it's not the deep end. So let's say that the term 'shallow' is a descriptor, it does not have to have a rude or insulting meaning. It just is what it is.

Now, as to why a person is shallow if they place physical attractiveness higher on the list of 'must haves' in a mate than personality, intelligence, or other properties such as a similar sense of humor, political or religious values, etc; it is because of all of these, physical appearance is absolutely going to change in time. It is transitory, even for those who 'age well' and are 'well-preserved'. Eventually, it is gone.

If I am buying a tomato, I am very interested in what it tastes like today, but not so much in what it tastes like a year from now. Appearance makes a big difference, and it makes sense to use it to make a judgment. If I am buying a car, a shiny paint job might be nice, but it has nothing to do with how well the car runs. It's a poor indicator of how good the car is. Relationships are (supposedly) for the long-term. Appearance is a poor indicator of how well people are suited for each other.

Does that make sense?

A preference for a well-toned body in a mate and a depth of character are not mutually exclusive and I resent those who claim they are.

I have never claimed that they were mutually exclusive. There are many people with deep and wonderful character who are also quite attractive, no doubt about it.

What I said was that placing physical attractiveness as the first criteria on a list of attributes one seeks in a mate is shallow. If that offends you, then it offends you; I won't retract it.

I've never heard of two people who dislike each other staying together because they each think the other is hot. Have you?

And let's revisit a point I made earlier. If you marry because you find a person attractive, is it OK to divorce if they stop being attractive? What if they find you no longer attractive, should they kick you to the curb? Let's say you grow a paunch in your middle age, or start to lose your hair, or get in an accident (God forbid) and are not as 'attractive' as you once were? OK for your mate to toss your stuff out in the street because you're ugly now?

Imagine someday being asked by your kids "Daddy, why did you and mommy get divorced?" And you reply, "Well, you see, son, mommy was no longer a MILF, so I had to toss her out. Sorry you grew up without a mommy in your life, but if she ain't hot, I'm not going to have her in my house."

I reiterate - physical beauty is a poor basis for forming a relationship, and people who do so are not only shallow, they're doomed to have very poor relationships, IMHO.