I don't talk to Aggressives

Discussion in 'General Self Defense' started by snake_monkey, Sep 16, 2019.

  1. snake_monkey

    snake_monkey Orange Belt

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    I had my head bashed into the cement ground repeatedly when I was still in high school I can’t remember three days of my life. Other incidents on top of that. I’m sorry I lashed out a bit here
     
  2. pdg

    pdg Senior Master

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    I'm not exactly huge (5'10" and sub 155) and plenty of people much bigger than me come near me all the time. And I'm never armed.

    I'm not paranoid either, so I don't instantly jump on guard...


    Oh, and an intranet is a private network that may or may not be connected to the internet - so you're defensive in private?
     
  3. snake_monkey

    snake_monkey Orange Belt

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    Thanks for clarifying that even though I was just trying to make things a bit lighter in here with some jokes but I get it. However if you are trying to make some kind of point that makes you appear ‘better’ than me it is not appreciated.
     
  4. Martial D

    Martial D Senior Master

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    Yes but in your scenario you escalate at every step, which seems to be the opposite of your stated intent.
     
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  5. kempodisciple

    kempodisciple MT Moderator Staff Member

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    Not a keyboard warrior. Dont feel like going theough my situation again, but simply put im smaller than you and have spent time in bad areas. Still do but in a different role. I used to get people who would be aggressive towards me, but when i changed my habits that doesn't really happen anymore.

    And its not about worrying about the other guys feelings. It's about not pissing someone off, which could lead to a confrontation, when theres a simple way to not piss them off, that takes little to no extra effort.
     
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  6. snake_monkey

    snake_monkey Orange Belt

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    Am I escalating or matching the energy? Honest question. The thing was eventually de-escalated so I would argue that I didn’t escalate, but that I matched. Its my first time posting about this stuff and it’s not easy fyi. Thanks

     
  7. pdg

    pdg Senior Master

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    From the description given it appears that you escalated.

    But even if you 'matched', that's rarely a good plan either, because then it becomes a natural escalation through contest.
     
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  8. Martial D

    Martial D Senior Master

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    Guy asks for something.

    What do you need.

    Choose to help him or not.

    Remaining polite the whole time.

    That's how it goes for most people.
     
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  9. snake_monkey

    snake_monkey Orange Belt

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    Good points thanks for clarifying that. I’m not one to bring ‘energy’ into discussion but yeah I didn’t clarify that his approach seemed aggressive to me. People do this thing where it’s like they make it unavoidable to talk or just go on your way even if you are polite about it. I’m sure someone here has experienced this sometime.
     
  10. Headhunter

    Headhunter Senior Master

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    You were extremely lucky it didn't. Obviously the guy didn't really want to fight. If you acted like that towards someone who's drunk or drugged up and looking for trouble they'd probably have punched you at about the 3rd or 4th stage. There's no need to match anything just avoid getting into a ego match
     
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  11. Encho

    Encho Green Belt

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    Person I do not know - 'Can I ask you a favor?'
    Me - Sure, whats up
    Person I do not know - I need/ can I have/ Could you ____.
    Me - I am sorry I would really like to help but I have to/need to go to/I don't have____.
    Person I do not know-Ok, thanks anyway

    Eventually the person ask someone else/walks away.

    9 out of 10 conversations work out like this when ever someone asks me for a favor.
     
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  12. kempodisciple

    kempodisciple MT Moderator Staff Member

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    If someone's looking for a fight, then matching their energy is escalating. If you start at a 3 and they start at a 5 in aggression, you match it and raise yours to a 5. They feel it moving up and they up their own to a 7. Now you have to decide if you want to match it again or not. If you do, now you're at a 7 which is high enough for him to decide a fights in order. What's cool is, if you start at a 3 and he's at a 5, if you see his 5 and change your own aggressio. To a 2 (or even 2.5) a lot of times the other guy doesnt know how to react and it just dissipates his energy/aggression. It blew my mind the first time I saw that in action, I honestly didn't believe it would work.

    Do you mean it's not easy deescalating, or not easy posting about it? Either way, i agree until you get used to it.
     
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  13. snake_monkey

    snake_monkey Orange Belt

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    I meant it’s not easy for me to post about it, but I also agree that it can be difficult to de-escalate certain situations. Thanks for your input.
     
  14. snake_monkey

    snake_monkey Orange Belt

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    I really appreciate the Self-defense advice, as I work almost adjacent to one of the most dangerous places on Earth..The current 'State of Affairs' is not always on the bright side in the Heart o' the Midwest...I will try to glean the positive in all scenarios and I pray to increase my ability to learn. Thank you for the constructive comments and support.
     
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  15. gpseymour

    gpseymour MT Moderator Staff Member

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    Part of Emotional Intelligence is understanding how your own actions contribute to situations. If you don't want a situation to become adversarial, then, yes, you have to consider the feelings of others. There are actions that can predictably make a situation more adversarial. Avoiding those actions is one way to reduce aggression by others.

    As for bullying, I'm not sure I see the bullying in someone asking if you can do a favor.
     
  16. gpseymour

    gpseymour MT Moderator Staff Member

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    Crap. I've agreed with @Hanzou and @Martial D in the same day. This cannot be a good omen.
     
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  17. gpseymour

    gpseymour MT Moderator Staff Member

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    Could it be that you perceive aggression where it doesn't exist?
     
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  18. snake_monkey

    snake_monkey Orange Belt

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    After reading over a bit, I would like to share another experience of mine:

    One person approached me and was leaning in close and coughing. He apologized if he made me uncomfortable. He asked for money, and we discussed his situation. I divulged some information for him. I said that I am a street performer looking for percussionists. I said that I can't offer him money but I can offer him a position for work. He didn't seem interested and left.
     
  19. gpseymour

    gpseymour MT Moderator Staff Member

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    You're right, we don't know what issues you deal with. But remember that neither does the person addressing you on the street. If you respond aggressively or dismissively, you may inadvertently escalate a situation. Try to see what it looks like (and feels like) from the other person's perspective - including the things they cannot know about you at the time. There's nothing inherently "wrong" about having a chip on your shoulder, but it serves you well to acknowledge the effect that has on your actions, and how others are likely to respond to those actions.
     
  20. gpseymour

    gpseymour MT Moderator Staff Member

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    Let me try to draw some conclusions from what you posted. Let's say this guy came up looking shifty, like maybe he's trying to scam for some money. (That's not usually aggressive, but we might have some differences of usage here, creating confusion.) Yeah, you might rightly feel you don't want to deal with what he's doing. But the response you used is likely to lead many people (probably most) to feel offended, which is opposite to your aims (offended people rarely just leave you alone).

    See what I'm saying about how your reaction affects the next step in the chain? Without that initial dismissive "no", you might have avoided the rest of the confrontation.
     

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