Bruce Lee Vs Jackie Chan

Discussion in 'The Rec Room (Sports and Entertainment)' started by Drunken Master, Mar 18, 2002.

  1. The Scenario

    Somewhere in Hong Kong -- In the basement of a supposedly abandoned warehouse, an illicit tournament reaches its climax. Hundreds of spectators jam the seats, all shouting at once, as bookmakers roam the aisles carrying fistfuls of a dozen currencies, calling out their odds on the championship fight mere moments away.

    Into the dirt-floored ring steps Bruce Lee, stripped to the waist, and the crowd goes mad. Girding his forehead is a strip of black fabric torn from the outfit of Steven Seagal, whom he demolished in the semifinals. He gives a quick smile to his girlfriend -- the only blond American woman in the crowd, naturally -- and bows to the referee.

    The din grows louder still with the arrival of his opponent. Jackie Chan won the fastest victory in the tournament to reach this match, catching Jean-Claude van Damme in the middle of a split with a move called "Enter the Scrotum". He winks at his girlfriend -- the only blond American woman in the crowd, naturally -- before bowing to his opponent.

    The referee steps into the middle of the ring, chops his hand down hard, and gets out of the way. The ultimate martial arts battle has begun!

    Bruce Lee vs. Jackie Chan


    The Commentary

    So Shane, which fu fighter's flying feet and furious fists flatten his foe?

    Shane: This match is over before it begins. Literally. In Enter the Dragon, during one of Bruce Lee's self-guided tours of Han's island fortress, the alarm is sounded and an ungodly number of henchmen converge on him. One of them gets Lee in a bear hug, but Lee breaks his grip, then his neck. The hugger in question is Jackie Chan.

    Bruce Lee wins, because he's already killed his opponent. That's it.

    Really. I'm done. Don't waste your time responding. I'm going to go read a book.

    Paul: Well, I hope you pick up something by James Michener. That should give me enough time (barely) to belittle your argument. Plus the book can double as a primitive anesthesia device in case you wish to put yourself out of your misery.

    Since you wish to point out past history, let's get a more complete view. In Fist of Fury, Bruce Lee kicked Jackie Chan off a twenty foot ledge onto an unforgiving cement floor. Yet Jackie Chan survived. Then in Enter the Dragon, he not only suffered the indignity you so much relish, but also was conked on the head with an errant nunchucka swing from Mr. Lee. Yet Jackie Chan survived. Then in their third encounter... well, there wasn't any third encounter. And there is a good reason for that - Bruce Lee was DEAD before there was a third encounter. Jackie Chan went on to become the next big Asian action movie star. Coincidence? I don't think so.

    But let us assume for the sake of the match that Bruce Lee isn't still taking a dirt nap and is still in his prime. So what has Bruce been doing for the past twenty five years? Most likely, he has been busy destroying every last copy of the dreadful movie Rapid Fire starring his son Brandon while simultaneously trying to stop his daughter Shannon from embarrassing herself as the announcer for cheesy fake Saturday morning martial arts shows. In that time, Jackie Chan has been making movies in which he kicks the *** of a disproportionate number of Australians. Yes, he has been engaging in combat with the craziest white people in the entire world - a race that has produced wackos like Crocodile Dundee, Outback Jack (to be that lousy of a wrestler take guts), half the cast of Sci-Fi Channel hit Farscape and the utterly insane Steve Irwin AKA The Crocodile Hunter. Yes, Australia produced a man who wrestles gators with his bare hands and plays with the tails of deadly snakes and Jackie uses them for warm-ups. I'm sorry, but no man named "Bruce" has a hope in hell.

    But what did you expect from a man who doesn't do his own stunts? Sure, Bruce performed choreographed fight scenes against stuntmen. But when it was time to do the dangerous stuff, Bruce Lee used a stunt double. Meanwhile, Jackie is arguably the greatest stuntman alive. Expect to see Jackie Chan propelled through the roof by a Bruce Lee kick only to perform a death defying gymnastics display on live power lines, then narrowly catch hold of an out of control helicopter and finally crash land into the arena without getting a scratch. Afterwards, Jackie hams it up for the camera. Bruce Lee is just hamburger.

    What did you expect from someone who's biggest starring role was to play a sidekick named "Kato"?

    Shane: Nice try, but that limp O.J. reference plays right into my hands. Bruce plays a supporting character on an unsuccessful TV series, and decades later, valley dudes are nicknaming themselves after him. That is the mark of an Icon™, of the same caliber as John Wayne and Humphrey Bogart. His early death merely reinforces this, as he is Gone Before His Time, like James Dean and recent Grudge victor John Belushi. He is the stuff of legend, and it’s pretty darn tough to beat a legend.

    Jackie Chan’s record against Australians doesn’t put him in that league. We saw their prowess in Enter the Dragon, where a loutish (i.e., average) Aussie named Parsons got stranded in a dinghy by Bruce without his lifting a finger. (Another character says he’s from New Zealand, but you don’t get that accent and arrogance in Christchurch. He’s obviously hiding his true heritage.) His next trick was to get waxed like a Ferrari in the tournament by the Token Black Guy, which is to self-respect what salt is to slugs. This from the country that got overrun by a bunch of rabbits! Jackie Chan’s on a par with large fuzzy rodents. I am not impressed.

    Neither am I impressed by his stunts, because that’s all they are. This match isn’t pre-choreographed and rehearsed, and there will be no convenient props. His dependence on them puts him in the same pitiable category as Carrot Top and Gallagher. If Jackie thinks Bruce is going to cooperate with his “Hold this watermelon on your head while I fetch the Sledge-o-matic” trick, he is in for serious disappointment/disassembly. Maybe Jackie’s a match for Sammo Hung--but Bruce already dispatched him effortlessly in the first scene of Enter, something it took CBS Programming two years to manage. This being a pure match of body and will, Jackie’s body will be broken by the greatness that is Bruce Lee.

    Paul: Are you saying that Carrot Top is not dangerous? There is no man is more deadly to a Hollywood career. Carrot Top himself could easily turn Bruce Lee into a whimpering mess.

    But even Carrot Top is no match for Jackie Chan. Jackie jumps off buildings onto airborne helicopters. Jackie water skis with a broken ankle in a cast. He once fell off a 30 foot ledge and fell on his head and survived. Most impressive, this was a man that made a movie with sonic boom voice Chris Tucker and LIVED with his SANITY INTACT. There is absolutely nothing that Bruce Lee can do to him that he hasn't seen worse.

    But I am glad you brought up Sammo. According to Jackie Chan's bio, Sammo Hung once went one-on-one for real against Bruce Lee in a test of martial arts. It was a draw. Since Sammo happens to be Jackie Chan's BEST FRIEND, his experience gives Jackie the vital edge. Throw in the support of his brothers Lo Hung and Well Hung and it simply isn't a contest.

    With death you get egg roll.

    The Results

    Jackie Chan (1021 - 51.0%)
    chop sueys
    Bruce Lee (980 - 49.0%)
     
  2. Ronin

    Ronin Guest

    bruce lee whould have my bet jackie is great but wasnt the innovator like bruce was.
     
  3. Ronin

    Ronin Guest

    remember bruce was the pioneer jackie just followed. besides films can make any one look great.
     
  4. Cthulhu

    Cthulhu Senior Master

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    Remember...

    Bruce Lee was first and foremost a martial artist who made it big in film.

    Jackie Chan is an actor who happens to have training in martial arts (primarily theatrical, though he's had more 'serious' training).

    Cthulhu
     
  5. Andi

    Andi Guest


    Hehehehe :rofl:


    Andi
     
  6. DJDragon

    DJDragon Guest

    lol, thats just too funny. :rofl: My props to you.

    You could of said, Bruce came back from a spinal injury and Jackie from a fractured skull.

    :erg:

    Martial arts stars get all the injuries dont they?
     
  7. tunetigress

    tunetigress Guest

    Man, oh man, the 'wordsmanship' of the first post in this thread, by Drunken Master is a thing of beauty. A wonderfully entertaining, yet immaculately written piece of work. Ought to be published! Crap, I couldn't even find a single grammatical error or typo in it to correct! ( Not that I would presume to correct other people's posts, LOL!) Drunken Master, I salute you sir! :asian: :asian: :asian: :asian: :asian:
     
  8. Judo_Kid

    Judo_Kid Orange Belt

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    Cool. I bet Bruce lee won.. JKD VS Marital arts. im too Sure JKD Will win!

    :EG:
     
  9. Judo_Kid

    Judo_Kid Orange Belt

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    But i bet if Jackie chan gets Drunk, well'maybe Jackie will win.

    :EG:
     
  10. Rich Parsons

    Rich Parsons A Student of Martial Arts

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    Hmmmm,

    Looks like I have something to settle for the
    family honor :D

    Rich
    :cool:
     
  11. wingchun100

    wingchun100 Senior Master

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    Hehe...it IS fun to joke about, but sometimes I wonder. Bruce had the no-nonsense approach, Jackie had the acrobatics.
     
  12. Xue Sheng

    Xue Sheng All weight is underside

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    Bruce had real martial arts training to hit stuff, Jackie had Chinese opera training to miss stuff
     
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  13. Hong Kong Pooey

    Hong Kong Pooey Blue Belt

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    Bruce would do most of the attacking, Jackie would take some and miss some of the blows in various acrobatic ways with comical results. Bruce wouldn't be able to help but laugh and they'd shake hands then walk off into the sunset as two great mates ready to get in new adventures together...
     
  14. donald1

    donald1 Senior Master

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    If it was real life Bruce Lee would win for sure, but if they were like their movie characters it would probably be a tough fight against

    I bet Bruce Lee would swing nunchaku like in enter the Dragon) or is this an open handed fight?... I wanna say Bruce Lee but maybe Jackie chan would pull off some really cool move and surprise everyone with a win. Or maybe they would be friends and fight crime :)

    But if they had to fight no other way around it then Bruce Lee would win but he would probably have a difficult time beating him

    1 more question is this fight to see who is tougher or to the death...
     
  15. Kong Soo Do

    Kong Soo Do IKSDA Director

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    Chuck Norris would beat them both at the same time as a warm up before breakfast :boing2:
     
  16. drop bear

    drop bear Sr. Grandmaster

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    Sorry their fight records?

    I think it is 1 and 0 vs 0 and 0. Which is an even match up.
     
  17. Buka

    Buka Sr. Grandmaster

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    Bruce, Jackie, Chuck....it would all be awesome! And there's probably two things we could count on.

    1. Somehow, Dana White would make money off it.

    2. Steven Seagal would say he taught them that nifty front kick.
     
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  18. Hong Kong Pooey

    Hong Kong Pooey Blue Belt

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    Erm, I think you'll find Bruce killed Chuck in Way of the Dragon (Return of the Dragon to you Americans)123
     

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