Solutions to Women's Toughest Questions
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. Listed below are lifesaving answers to life-threatening questions:
1. "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course,
is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what
a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you
are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this
statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really
thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question
came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of
thinking."
(you gotta LOVE Al Bundy!
)
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong
answers:
2. "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3. "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
f - no baby you're as skinny as a rail... any more haggan daas left or did you eat it all?
4. "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In
any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong
answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
f- I was thinking about a threesome just now...
5. "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the
event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me
and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first
Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest
question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
my answer - dig up your corpse and set it up in the living room where we'll always be together...
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do
you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long
pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my
old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the
pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. Listed below are lifesaving answers to life-threatening questions:
1. "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course,
is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what
a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you
are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this
statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really
thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question
came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of
thinking."
(you gotta LOVE Al Bundy!
) The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong
answers:
2. "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3. "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
f - no baby you're as skinny as a rail... any more haggan daas left or did you eat it all?
4. "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In
any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong
answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
f- I was thinking about a threesome just now...
5. "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the
event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me
and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first
Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest
question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
my answer - dig up your corpse and set it up in the living room where we'll always be together...
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do
you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long
pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my
old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the
pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."
