preventing child molestation

[Kacey]

One of the biggest disservices the government did to people was the "stranger danger" program. It gave a whole generation of kids the impression that the only person who would hurt them was the person they didn't know, that mom and dad didn't introduce them too...which we all know is not the case.

I agree. As a teacher, I see much more in the way of abuse than molestation - but the kids often don't talk about it because they think it's normal (and for many of the kids here it is - especially on the neglect end of the abuse scale). And even for some of the kids who are molested, they don't see it that way - the molester is often someone who does special activities (beyond the molestation, I mean) with them, spends money on them, etc. - things they don't get from anyone else. That's why it's so easy for molesters to get the kids to keep the secret.

Abuse is often situational... I have a student who has missed 1/3 of the school year so far, and his mother keeps calling him in sick - but it took threatening her with a report to Social Services for neglect to get her to take him to the doctor, even with a referral to a clinic that charges on a sliding scale.

I don't know entirely what the solution to the problem is, but I think it will have to be a multi-pronged solution that will begin and end with education and teaching children about good touch/bad touch and if the experience bad touch to teach them to keep telling someone in authority until they get someone to help.
I also think the counseling of the abused kids needs to really be pushed whether the kids want it or not, whether the parents want it for the kids or not, it needs to happen to make sure the kids do no grow up thinking this is normal, and continue the cycle....

Breaking the cycle is definitely the key - abuse cycles either from generation to generation (the "my parent hit me, and if it was good enough for me, it's good enough for you" mentality) OR it cycles on alternate generations (the "my parent hit me, and that was so horrible that I won't discipline you at all" mentality, followed by the next generation that cycles back to physical response to unwanted behavior because the permissiveness they grew up with didn't work either). The question is, who is going to provide this education, and how - the schools are overloaded, and honestly, without societal support (which isn't really out there in many places) the schools can talk until they're blue in the face, and it won't make a damn bit of difference - not until at least 2 or 3 entire generations - including those who are not parents - truly believes that molestation and abuse (including neglect) is simply not acceptable to society, and enforces that belief on others.

 

[MA-Caver]

I think the biggest problems is we look for a cure all solution to this. The problem is the attacker is not always one type of person, so it will take multiple solutions to eradicate the problem (or at least get it to the lowest is will be).
One of the biggest disservices the government did to people was the "stranger danger" program. It gave a whole generation of kids the impression that the only person who would hurt them was the person they didn't know, that mom and dad didn't introduce them too...which we all know is not the case. Unfortunately, we all know that kids many times are molested by those they know who are able to form a trust or fear bond with the child. But all you see in the news are the high profile stories of repeat offender X who kidnapped child Y and molested and killed him/her and so our laws are created in reaction to those stories. Keep offenders 2000 yards from the schools and playgrounds, great, that only works if you know where the offender is and if the offender has been caught before. How often does it happen that the child attacked is only 5 or 6 and is attacked by an uncle and in order to spare the child the family doesn't press charges, just shuts the uncle out of their life. How many times does a kid tell a teacher who happened and the teacher report it and try to help only to loose his/her job people the person doing the molestation was a person in power. I've read enough about it happening in non-sexual child abuse cases to believe is happens in the sexual abuse ones

Since the advent of the Sex Offender registry this has been helpful in many cases in identifying potential offenders in one's area. Here in Chattanooga registered offenders were prohibited from being home during Halloween so to not answer their doors should a costumed child be on their street trick or treating. But as you say, it's after the crimes that these measures are taken and not before. And yes, I agree that a majority of abuse does not get reported because of the "family secret" Uncle Joe was caught in the basement game room with little Tommy or Sarah so Uncle Joe is no longer invited to the house or left alone with the kids at family gatherings but the police doesn't find out about it because of the shame and trauma that it may impose upon the child/family. And most often it's to protect the family (name) than it is for the child's benefit. "We'll take care of Tommy and Sarah so that this doesn't happen again". How do they likely take care of it? Don't ever ever mention it. And even worse imply in some way (big or small) that they had something to do with making Uncle Joe do what he did. And of course there's no mention of what happened with Uncle Joe when he was a kid and Grandpa or Uncle Jim had done something to Joe... because that's a family secret too. So the cycle goes on. And on.
Again I agree that it's worse for teachers and even clergy who hear about things like this but because of the threat/danger of losing their jobs which is sadly sometimes to them, more important than the child's welfare and peace of mind, because they got their own kids to feed, or because of strictures in place to clergy members because of the rules they must abide by of confidentiality of confessions. It's ugly and it definitely needs to be fixed.

Some times I am not sure there is anything that can be done to completely stop it. I have read several stories of children who were molest by a grandparent and further investigation into the situation revealed the grandparent was suffering from dementia which caused previously unnoticed personality changes in the grandparent. How do you prevent something like that. Even if you are always vigilant and always watching out for your kids, there have to be some people you can trust. I know from experience it is easy to miss the little changes in someone, especially someone you love and have no reason to doubt, until something drastic occurs.

This is yet another facet of the abuse syndrome that occurs and adds to a family's denial. Grandpa/Grandma didn't know what they was doing and they'll tell the child that and expect the child to understand and live with that. And therapy for the child is out of the question because it'll break the family secret.

I don't know entirely what the solution to the problem is, but I think it will have to be a multi-pronged solution that will begin and end with education and teaching children about good touch/bad touch and if the experience bad touch to teach them to keep telling someone in authority until they get someone to help.
I also think the counseling of the abused kids needs to really be pushed whether the kids want it or not, whether the parents want it for the kids or not, it needs to happen to make sure the kids do no grow up thinking this is normal, and continue the cycle....

One of the difficulties in counseling abused children is again, the trust factor. Here you got probably months or years of "don't tell" from the family until it gets out and the court orders therapy and counseling for the child... the child is now expected to break "family secrets" to a person who is relatively a stranger. Likewise it's sometimes not always just ONE family member doing the molesting. So if older brother/sister Tommy/Sally gets caught and is in a whole heap of trouble... what does the child do about the fact that Daddy/Mommy was also doing it? It happens, ugly but it does happen. What about Daddy's boss? Or the neighbor down the street? How can a child be convinced (gently) that it's okay to tell for their own good? So that they can heal or at least begin the process of healing?

Remember a number of years ago there was a thing called "false memory syndrome"?? That is still in place and still in a lot of people's minds. It also fuels the denial that a lot of adults feel when hearing about their child being a victim. No, Jane was saying that because she was mad at Dad for not letting her go to her best friend's birthday party. Was it true? How do we know for sure? Only time will tell. And if it turns out to be a lie, what an opportunity for a potential molestation to take place. The Cry Wolf might work in the offender's favor.

Seems that kids just can't get a break these days.

 

[MJS]

I think this is an important area that should be discussed with every child. Parents should teach their children the difference between good and bad touching. Nothing wrong with a family member giving a child a hug, but if that person does something the child doesn't feel comfortable with, the child should tell their parents.

Problem is, is that many times, the offending person, could make a threat to the child, scaring them into not telling anyone. Of course, this not only applies to family members, but anyone.

Checking the sex offender registry, and teaching your children are 2 good ways to start the prevention process.

Mike

 

[Guardian]

I think this is an important area that should be discussed with every child. Parents should teach their children the difference between good and bad touching. Nothing wrong with a family member giving a child a hug, but if that person does something the child doesn't feel comfortable with, the child should tell their parents.

Problem is, is that many times, the offending person, could make a threat to the child, scaring them into not telling anyone. Of course, this not only applies to family members, but anyone.

Checking the sex offender registry, and teaching your children are 2 good ways to start the prevention process.

Mike

Amen to this one, remember when you are talking to kids, their attention spans are very thin, think easy and quick reminders, they can remember that, going into detail at young ages isn't always the best way to go, sometimes to much information is a bad thing for a young mind.

 

[BrandiJo]

It any child care class, or staff training i have ever had to take i have always been told that the best way to protect your child is to help them relise that they are their own person, and their body is their own space. That means that they dont have to give scary aunt Amy a hug the 5 times a year that they see her. It means that when a stranger approaches them you accept that they scream/cry/hide behind you. It means you watch their body cues and don't make them always give you a hug/kiss bye each day cus their body is their body and they can make the choice who touches them and who doesnt. Obviously grab a child running into the street, but unless hte child is about to be harmed you should watch their cues for the contact they want from you. This (so i have been told i dont have children of my own) allows them to know who should and shouldnt touch them (even in friendly ways) but will allow them the power to move away, run away, and tell an adult right away because they know Mom or Dad never makes them do anything with their body they dont want to do.

From what i understand most sexual molestations are people who work their way into a family befriend them and then go after the child after mom trusts you with the kid, it could be the friendly guy at the park who always talks and smiles and keeps an extra eye on your child to help out, or the neighbor down the street who really wants to talk about little jonhy staying out after the street lights come on. But because your child knows that any touch they do not want unless nessacary (and then you should always explain why your doing something the child does not want) is bad and they need to talk to you about it right away, is supposed to really help. (again off of classes i have taken... no children of my own so take it with a grain of salt.