Let the hilarity begin!

[achilles95]

Two antennas fell in love on a roof and got married. The ceremony was a bore, but I hear the reception was excellent.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says: "Damn."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of ashphalt under his arm. He says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Oh god, these make me wince.

 

[Ping898]

Along the same vein....

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned.
I couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack
it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too
exhausting.
5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my
life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I
couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any
patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live
on my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center but they said I wasn't fit for
the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as
a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because e it
was always the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

 

[MA-Caver]

A priest with a duck under his arm, a horse and a homeless woman walk into a bar... bartender looks at them and says what is this? A joke?

A horse walks into a bar, bartender asks why the long face?

A piece of string walks into a bar, bartender says we don't serve string and tosses it out into the street where it's promptly run down by a garbage truck and gets caught up in a street sweeper's brooms, the string manages to escape and wiggles it's way back into the bar... bartender looks up and angrily asks, "didn't I just throw you outta here?" the string says back, "no, I'm a frayed not!"

 

[DavidCC]

A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and asks the bartender "Do you serve food?" "NO!" that bartender says, "Get the Heck outta here!"

 

[crushing]

Two guys walk into a bar, which is really stupid, because after the first guy walked into it you would have thought the second guy would have seen it coming.

 

[Bob Hubbard]

Yesterday, I had a yard sale.
Now where's my dog supposed to go?

The other day I had a garage sale.
Now my car gets wet when it rains.

How do you rate a fair?
It's already been done.

Is it still a hiway when it's in a valley?

Why do we drive on a parkway, but park on a drive way?

I tried coke once, but then I switched to pepsi.

 

[Jade Tigress]

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

 

[Kreth]

A baby seal walks into a club...

 

[Randy Strausbaugh]

A guy goes to a shrink, and says "Doc, ya gotta help me. Some days, I wake up and think I'm a teepee. The next day, I think I'm a wigwam. Then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. Teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam, TEEPEE, WIGWAM, TEEPEE, WIGWAM!!!"

The doctor says "Whoa, pal. I can see your problem. You're too tense."

 

[Lynne]

A homeless man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a fork. The bartender is a little puzzled but gives the man a fork. The homeless guy says, "thank you" and leaves.

A second homeless man walks into the same bar and asks for a fork. The bartender is even more puzzled, shakes his head, but gives the man a fork.

A third homeless man walks into the bar and before he can ask for anything the bartender says, "I know. You want a fork!" The homeless man says, "No! I want a straw. Someone threw up outside and all the good stuff is gone."

:barf:

 

[JBrainard]

A homeless man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a fork. The bartender is a little puzzled but gives the man a fork. The homeless guy says, "thank you" and leaves.

A second homeless man walks into the same bar and asks for a fork. The bartender is even more puzzled, shakes his head, but gives the man a fork.

A third homeless man walks into the bar and before he can ask for anything the bartender says, "I know. You want a fork!" The homeless man says, "No! I want a straw. Someone threw up outside and all the good stuff is gone."

:barf:

That was nasty. Funny, but nasty.

 

[achilles95]

A guy goes to a shrink, and says "Doc, ya gotta help me. Some days, I wake up and think I'm a teepee. The next day, I think I'm a wigwam. Then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. Teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam, TEEPEE, WIGWAM, TEEPEE, WIGWAM!!!"

The doctor says "Whoa, pal. I can see your problem. You're too tense."

Haha, I told that today.

 

[stone_dragone]

A baby seal walks into a club...

this one and the bra...TOO FUNNY!

 

[Touch Of Death]

A homeless man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a fork. The bartender is a little puzzled but gives the man a fork. The homeless guy says, "thank you" and leaves.

A second homeless man walks into the same bar and asks for a fork. The bartender is even more puzzled, shakes his head, but gives the man a fork.

A third homeless man walks into the bar and before he can ask for anything the bartender says, "I know. You want a fork!" The homeless man says, "No! I want a straw. Someone threw up outside and all the good stuff is gone."

:barf:

This one would be best changed to a specific Restaurant, I think. Possibly a good one to tell to Denny's waitresses. They have to laugh if they want a tip.:drinkbeer
Sean

 

[Kreth]

This leper walks into a bar. The bartender comes over, takes one look at the leper and pukes on the floor. The leper says, "You know, it's bad enough I have this horrible disease, but can't you show me some common courtesy?" The bartender wipes his mouth and replies, "Relax, buddy, it's not you, it's the guy next to you dipping his chips in your neck."

 

[Shaderon]

Lynne and Kreth they're disgusting!!! :lfao:

 

[FearlessFreep]

The other day I was...wait that wasn't me