Jesus was a vampire?

[Phil Elmore]

Tonight I received one of the most interesting pieces of feedback I've ever received on an article. It was feedback on the October 2003 spoof piece we ran on fighting vampires, of all things:

Hello,

I would like to comment on one of your articles, http://www.themartialist.com/1003/vampire.htm.

I would first like to say that I find the article to be very interesting, as far as to where you have gotten your information on Real Vampires, as well as these beliefs. Real Vampires are not physically immortal beings, and are humans just as any other human is, and we do not shape shift. However, our souls are immortal and have often many times been reincarnated. Some of us are blood drinkers, but some are not. We only can drink small portions of blood to obtain the life force energy contained in it from a willing donor. Other fluids in the body also contain this life force we thirst for.

All the information in this article is based on false Vampire Folklore, much like false ideas about real actual witches, as well.

As with anything, there are both good and bad people. Thus, there can be good, or potentially bad vampires. There are not many potentially bad vampires, but if you have such experience as to have known some who go around sacrificing people to drink blood or eat flesh or anything like that, that is not what we are all about. In fact, a lot of vampires are even vegetarians.

Vampires do NOT normally have capabilities to turn other humans into vampires. We are born vampires. Most of us use our powers to do good wills, such as healing for the mind, etc. We certainly have NO abilities to fly, or turn into a bad or wolve.

We do not perish in sunlight, although our eyes are somewhat very sensitive to the sun over regular human beings. We do not have any allergies to garlic. Vampires do not get burned or become vulnerable to holy water or the cross. Although, if such a thing were to happen, it would probably be due to the fact that Christian religions and all religions as they stand are built on cults which are grounded from satanic beliefs and values.

We are not any more dangerous than any regular human being. Destroying anyone or any form of life for any reason is of bad nature, and should never be done. There are also humans who may drink blood, or be someone with evil intent to do so, that are not vampires. Vampires are not strictly determined on that factor. It has a lot of other contributing factors than that. While we do have a slight amount of traits and desires as far as biting and animalistic behavior, most of us do not engage in it for harmful reasons, but usually more for a connection with an individual.
We do not have weakened powers during daylight, and we can expand long exposure to direct sunlight as any other human would. Our eyes, and sometimes skin may be more sensitive to it.

We aren't all about fangs or dressing capes either. A lot of that is associated more with folklore, although some vampires, especially in more medieval times did have somewhat natural fangs, and dressed their part.

We are also not super humans, by any means. Differences in vampires are not only the spirit, but are on biological and psychological levels. Thus, we may have specific methods we may need to feed to feel our physical, mental and spiritual well-being. We are often known to be very intense, unique individuals. We are very sensitive, and we are also very strong. We are often highly romantic, misunderstood people.

Lastly, you may be shocked to know that Jesus Christ himself was a vampire. Which offered his literal blood to be drank by others to help cure. If you have any questions or wish to be further enlightened on this, I will gladly answer any questions to do so.

- THEUNSILENTGRAVE

I wrote back the following response:

Dear Unsilent Grave,

There are no such things as vampires. The article that appears at The Martialist is a spoof article intended to provide entertainment during the Halloween season. Specifically, the article was published in our October 2003 issue. The Martialist is a publication devoted to self-defense in the real world -- a venue in which there are no vampires, immortal or otherwise.

I am aware that there exists a fetish community or subculture based on the mistaken notion of vampirism. I am further aware that these people, like yourself, believe themselves to be vampires according to a contemporary and far less sensational definition of the term and that these people affect mannerisms and costumes accordingly. These people are all sad, self-deluded freaks. Anyone walking around today who actually refers to him- or herself as a vampire is a fool. Such people are in grave need of what we mundanes refer to as a "reality check."

I strongly urge you to seek professional psychiatric counseling to deal with your mistaken notion of being a vampire. I do not write this to sound flippant; rather, I am expressing my deep and abiding disdain for anyone who actually labors under the ridiculous Gothic fantasy of being a vampire. Please get help.

Sincerely,

Phil Elmore
Publisher, The Martialist

 

[Cryozombie]

Once I had an Employee.

On the first day of work, he was six hours late.

When I enquired WHY he was six hours late he told me:

"I am a vampire. I could not come out while the sun was up."

That was his last day of work.

 

[Cruentus]

Phil...that is ****ing hilarious!

 

[dubljay]

Oh man!!!! Sides hurt from laughing.

 

[bignick]

yeah...we're all laughing now....

but will you be laughing when he comes creeping out of the shadows.....

 

[Phil Elmore]

The sound of rolling ten-sided dice will give him away.

 

[Seigi]

"10 sided Dice" Brilliant!

Thats Hillarious, Good reply sir.

Peace :whip:

 

[qizmoduis]

The sound of rolling ten-sided dice will give him away.

Get with the times. Modern vampires use stealthed d20s.

artyon:

 

[theletch1]

Sadly, the guy that responded to the article is not alone. We have a rather large population of "vampires" here in Roanoke, Va. Generally teens who've gone beyond "goth" and spend their nights running around town making fools of themselves in the downtown market area. There is a large population of the folk across the country that get together and have "parties" for the purpose of drinking each others blood. One of the documetary type channels did a show on them not long ago. I've always wondered what made these folks tick. I'll stick to the "folklore" version myself. Way cooler to turn into a bat, seduce women, and live forever. I guess the guy also thinks there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny or werewolves either ('course in the middle ages people who were werewolves really were a lot hairier than everyone else and wore dog collars to fit the part). Thanks Phil, I need a good chuckle this morning.

 

[Flatlander]

That is some crazy ****. See, this is why I don't like big cities. I'm a small town guy, and intend to stay that way.

 

[Brother John]

What a freaking IDIOT......

:bow:
There are however SKELATONS amonst us!!!
Here's a picture of the "Steriotypical" skelaton. THis is a myth, but based on fact. There are in fact REAL, TRUE skelatons walking amonst us!!!! They hide below layers of flesh, muscle, sinue and hair...
I am one of them!!!
We've walked amonst you for AGES!!!
We aren't immortal, but we do require small, but regularly ingested, portions of calcium, magnesium, phosphorous in order to be strong and healthy. Resistance training is good too.

Beware




Your Brother
John

 

[Phil Elmore]

I got another e-mail today:

There are no such thing as the Folklore Vampires.
But where your confusion exists is as to what a "Real Vampire" is. We
do exist, although we are far from any of what your ideas are as far as
the folklore vampire goes. Many of us are also not fetishists of any
sort, and we did not make the choice to become what we are. It is a
reality that we live with which can be rewarding, but also very frustrating.

There are individuals referred as "Vampire Lifestylers" which are what
you are referring to as those fetishists. Those individuals think that
going around sucking the blood of others, dressing up in capes and
fangs is cool. They exploit the nature and truth of a real vampire.

Real Vampires do not think or mistaken themselves as vampires. We know
we are, once we have our awakening. Our existence and vitality depends
upon humanity around us, whether it be psychically, emotionally, or by
fluid drinking of any sort.

I can clearly understand your notions and your deep feelings towards
your idea that I, or anyone who believes they are a vampire needs
psychiatric help. When we are content with ways that we feed, we are usually
just grand. But most of us do not drain others of their energy, unless
it is for physical or psychic protection. You probably would be
surprised to know that you've probably walked by many vampires in your life
without even knowing. Your next door neighbor may even be one and you'd
never know it.

But we are not any more evil than any regular person would be. And we
are 100% human. Our biological and psychological structures, and souls,
are different however.

I don't consider myself as a "lifestyler" whereas I do not thrive on
drinking other bloods, I do not wear a cape or come out of the grave at
night and stalk people. The people who do that are the fantasy-livers,
and you could rightfully refer to them as fools if they do it for
attention or rebellious reasons.

- THEUNSILENTGRAVE

I wrote back this:

Dear Unsilent Grave,

I am not confused. As an adult firmly grounded in reality, I understand that A) there is no such thing as a folklore vampire; and B) there is no such thing as a "real vampire." Drinking the blood of other human beings does not grant you their "life force;" it grants you a certain amount of nutrients found in blood and it grants you exposure to any and all bloodborne pathogens that person may possess. It is a remarkably stupid thing to do regardless of whatever demeanor or outlook you believe it may help you affect.

You are not a vampire. Regardless of whatever event, act of God, working of destiny, or other manifestation of fate or chance you believe may have occurred, you are not now nor have you ever been anything other than a human being. You are capable of deriving any and all sustenance you require as a human being from food and beverages that need not (nor are likely to, depending on the restaurant -- I'm not too sure about Arthur Treachers or McDonalds) contain human or animal blood in any significant quantity.

The only thing you find frustrating is that there exist people in the world who are not willing to take your affectation of "vampirism" seriously. I understand how difficult it can be to have your sense of self -- in this case, an elaborate and carefully constructed delusion -- challenged. This is why I urge you to seek psychiatric help. You are very likely to constitute a danger to yourself and to others while operating under this fantasy that you are a vampire. At the very least, drinking the blood of other human beings is a very dangerous lifestyle in which to engage -- regardless of whatever precautions you may think you are taking. There is a reason that human blood is controlled under strict procedures in medical environments, and that is because all human bodily fluids represent a potential biohazard.

The "Vampire Lifestylers" to which you refer are indeed sad, deluded freaks. You are one of them. You are not a "real" vampire no matter how much you wish to be one. You and they are of like kind -- even if you believe yourself to be somehow better than are they.

The only "awakening" you are likely to have had today is when your mother woke you for school. If you are not still a high school student, I am even more sad for you -- for adolescent fantasies such as the one in which you are now engaged can at least be forgiven in teenagers, who struggle with their identities and their senses of self as a matter of natural emotional and psychological development.

You have not now, nor have you ever, "fed" off anyone's psychic or emotional energy. You may have pretended to do so and you may actually have believed you were doing so, but you weren't. You were playing a game no different than those of the Live Action Role Play (LARP) folks who dress up and wander around the local malls playing Vampire: The Masquerade. The only difference between them and you is that they actually know they're playing at being vampires.

I have walked past, with, ahead, and behind any number of freaks in my life. I've been involved in heavily armed cults, explored the boundaries of the largely bogus paranormal community with multiple occult organizations, sat around the fires of neopagan circles, and had lunch, dinner, and coffee with any number of unusual characters ranging from witches to shamans to ninja to Republicans. All of these people had one thing in common: none of them were vampires -- even those that might have thought they were.

I don't believe you're evil. I believe you are deluded. The depth to which you actually believe what you are writing determines whether your delusion extends to being mentally deranged. If I was a relative of yours and knew what you were going on about, I'd have you committed to a mental institution for your own well-being.

I urge you, out of respect for your own life and for those of your friends and family, to seek psychological counseling immediately. Your school's guidance counselor should be able to point you in the right direction.

Sincerely,

Phil Elmore
Publisher, The Martialist

 

[Cryozombie]

Thats just mean Phil.

Funny as hell, but mean.

 

[Flatlander]

The "Vampire Lifestylers" to which you refer are indeed sad, deluded freaks. You are one of them.

:rofl:

Looking forward to the response, Phil. This is, by far, the most entertaining discourse that I have enjoyed this year.

 

[kid]

deep down this kid has to know that he is tricking himself. There has to be doubts in his whacked mind. I honestly don't think this is funny. With his delusions of himself he is putting many people at risk. Its really sad. I hope he eventually finds himself.


kid

 

[psi_radar]

Phil,

You're doing the kid a big favor. Plus it's funny as hell. Can't wait to hear the next installment.

 

[Jaymeister]

Other fluids in the body also contain this life force we thirst for

Now THAT is disturbing!

 

[Phil Elmore]

I received yet another mail today:

In many ways you still do have a confusion because you seem to be stuck on the idea of Vampire Folklore and Blood-drinkers only. From what I can tell, it doesn't seem you believe in fate, or anything outside of vital existence.
You probably also believe in the system of control, in terms of your own life and the world around you.

But there is certainly a strong source of "life force" in the blood, along with its other nutrients. But there are some actual vampires who need blood, or they will genuinely feel weak.

The "thirst" that we have, is a thirst that no amount of food or drink can satisfy. Some seek thirst in form of fluid, others knowledge, some in a mixture of the two. It is not to fulfill thirst of dehydradation. For example, drinking the fluid of another person may directly connect a vampire to their donor's emotions and soul, along with giving a strong feeling of physical, mental, and spiritual euphoria.

Think in terms also of witches. There are real witches, and they do not practice animal sacrifice, or dress up in witch hats and ride broomsticks... All the fantasy and folklore associated with vampires and witches is silly.

I'm not frustrated on whether people think I'm a vampire or not. Personally, I keep that very private and do not feel the need to go around telling others what I am, for obvious reasons. What I am frustrated about is the misunderstanding about vampirism. Movies, Books, and Satanists have given us a bad name, portraying us as leeches of the earth who are sick, demented and need serious help.

But I am not a vampire lifestyler. I don't go around advertising in public the fact that I'm a vampire, nor is it a "cool" thing to be. It is the way a person is born. In fact, I don't even have any fascination with those folklore vampires of any sort. I also do not play RPG's or any of that, although that's a common thing lifestylers do. I am not surprised the fact that you have been involved with cults before.

What also is interesting is that you seem to be under the assumption that I'm some sort of youngster going through some delusional phase. I'm actually a grown adult. And, actually at first when I was awakened, I was in constant denial of the fact that I was a vampire, and I kept rejecting myself. Once I've began to accept it, I've opened myself to a further understanding of why I am the way I am, and I wouldn't choose to be any different.

But, the problem in this world is that lies are disguised as truth. There is lots of information on the web about real vampires, although there is occassionally still wrong information. Being a vampire is nothing to be proud of. We are not super-human, and we are not better than other people. But we live a life that is more complex with struggles, that many do not understand, and are afraid of.

These are two very good websites:

http://www.sanguinarius.org
http://sphynxcatvp.nocturna.org/articles/icey-whatisvamp.html

Also, as you etiquettely stated, you are firmly grounded in "reality". Ironically, I've been trying to show you it.

Shaking my head in disgust, I wrote this:

Look, whatever your real name is, I am not the one who is confused. Only on whatever alien world you inhabit is the person who doesn't believe in vampires considered the one who is "confused." I'm telling you that no matter what definition you use, no matter what set of parameters in which you operate as a "vampire," no matter what exceptions you allow or what habits you do or do not claim to have compared to the legions of cosplayers, LARPers, black-clad Goths wearing Clown White, and morose Bauhaus fans moping through life with their hair dyed artificially black, YOU ARE NOT A VAMPIRE. You are a confused, mentally unsound individual who has adopted a fantasy that allows him to think of himself as somehow different, somehow special, somehow a romantically tragic or exotic or mysterious figure. The desire to be any of these things is perfectly understandable -- but unless and until you recognize that this is a FANTASY of your own making, you will represent a danger to yourself and others.

Please do not waste our time by making vague allusions to the System, exterior locii of control, The Man, The Matrix, Fnords, Illuminati, Daleks, Hellmouths, Ley Lines, Objects of Power, anything ever quoted by or from Anne Rice, or the collected works of Carlos Casteneda. You will not be telling me anything I have not heard and you will not be impressing me with how worldly, how sensitive, how different, how tragic, how enlightened, or how Cosmically Awake you may be.

Blood is not a sorce of "life force." I don't care how much you think you can channel your Ki, focus your chi, concentrate your aura, or project your Astral self. I'm not interested in your collection of Kirlian photographs. Anyone living in this world who actually believes he or she "feels weak" when he or she does not drink another person's blood needs to see a doctor to find out of he or she has a very real, very diagnosable blood disorder like hemophilia or sickle cell anemia.

You do not suffer from "the thirst." I don't care how many times you've seen the movie Blade or its sequels. If you actually suffer a mental compulsion to drink blood, you need psychological counseling. There are, for example, people who suffer from a very real mental disorder that makes them want to amputate their own body parts. This does not make them zombies, characters from Hellboy, Extradimensional Travelers struggling to evolve to a higher plane, or mad surgeons. It makes them people IN NEED OF HELP FROM TRAINED PROFESSIONALS.

The thing to which drinking another person's bodily fluid will directly connect you is their sexual history. Stop drinking blood before you contract AIDS or something equally unpleasant and possibly fatal.

While we're at it, don't smear the members of the neopagan community by attempting to associate them with nutjobs who believe themselves to be vampires. A witch is a human being who follows a given religious tradition. You are a human being too -- even though you don't wish to admit it. You do neopagans a disservice by dragging them into your delusional architecture.

Clearly you very much wish to be believed, or you would not be arguing with me about being a vampire -- or taking seriously an article clearly intended as a spoof. There is no misunderstanding about vampirism any more than there is misunderstanding about faeries, unicorns, or werewolves. All are FICTIONAL, MYTHOLOGICAL entitites. You're not sick and demented because you drink the blood of unwary mortals -- you're sick and demented because you believe you're a vampire who drinks the blood of willing mortals. One is a myth and the other is a mental disorder.

You were not born a vampire any more than you were born a superhero, a transforming robot, or a tentacled sea-dwelling demigod. You were born a human being and you will always be a human being. Your only choice now is whether you live in reality or continue to dwell in a world of fantasy.

I had hoped you were a teenager because youth and adolescent fantasies would go a long way towards excusing your delusional behavior. Most people grow out of this kind of thing and go on to lead productive lives. The fact that you might actually be an adult persisting in this fantasy worries me very much and lessens greatly the chance that you'll manage to pull yourself out of this burgeoning psychosis without third-party intervention.

The problem in this world is not that lies are disguised as truth -- it's that so many people are so willing to lie to themselves, substituting what they wish for what is. This is the case with any and all people claiming to be "vampires," yourself among them. You do not live a life that is "more complex" or in any other way special (save for the fact that living in a world of fantasy does tend to make some simple matters more complex). Your comments point to precisely what I said before -- you persist in this delusion because it makes you feel special and somehow different than others.

You are not showing me "reality" -- you are attempting to make me party to your fantasy, something I cannot and will not do.

You are not a vampire.

Sincerely,

Phil Elmore
Publisher, The Martialist

 

[OUMoose]

And why did you feel the need to post this here? More to the point, why did everyone else feel the need to ridicule?

So this person thinks they're a vampire. So? If nothing else, you give them a pat on the head and send them on their way. If they persist, ignore them. Most of the people on this board preach tolerance and a sort of empathy toward their fellow man, and all this thread does is shatter that fraglie illusion. I don't care if he paints himself blue from head to toe and thinks he's a smurf, that's no reason for this behavior.

Curse you and everyone who posted on this thread for making me sound like a dang moderator.

 

[Cryozombie]

and morose Bauhaus fans moping through life with their hair dyed artificially black

Hey... I resemble that remark!