Instructor being hard on me

Bill Mattocks

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"Toxic masculinity" refers to when someone tells others what is/isn't masculine, pushing bad behavior (intolerance, selfishness, lack of respect for others, etc.) as the "masculinity" men should aspire to, or they aren't "real men".
Agreed. I would be a toxic male if I encouraged the OP to put up with abusive behavior in order to be more manly. I said nothing of the sort. What I said was that he should either speak with his instructor about the behavior or leave if the behavior doesn't change and he doesn't want to put up with it.

What I *did* say is that he's acting like a whiny little brat and he should grow a set, by which I mean he seems to have a mealy-mouth whiny explanation why this is bad and that is bad, and all proposed solutions are bad, and oh woe is him. I'm tried to help him immediately when he first posted, but then I saw what kind of person he seems to be, and when he said he was 40 years old, I was disgusted. He should grow up, for God's sake. If the abuse is intolerable, leave. If it's not, suck it up and get on with the training. That's not toxic masculinity; that's being an adult.

But I'm probably not saying it correctly in this day and age.
 

Bujingodai

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Agreed. I would be a toxic male if I encouraged the OP to put up with abusive behavior in order to be more manly. I said nothing of the sort. What I said was that he should either speak with his instructor about the behavior or leave if the behavior doesn't change and he doesn't want to put up with it.

What I *did* say is that he's acting like a whiny little brat and he should grow a set, by which I mean he seems to have a mealy-mouth whiny explanation why this is bad and that is bad, and all proposed solutions are bad, and oh woe is him. I'm tried to help him immediately when he first posted, but then I saw what kind of person he seems to be, and when he said he was 40 years old, I was disgusted. He should grow up, for God's sake. If the abuse is intolerable, leave. If it's not, suck it up and get on with the training. That's not toxic masculinity; that's being an adult.

But I'm probably not saying it correctly in this day and age.
That should be a campaign speech
 

Mider

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We are all adults, no idea why anyone here cares why another man goes or doesnt go to the gym
 

JowGaWolf

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Agreed. I would be a toxic male if I encouraged the OP to put up with abusive behavior in order to be more manly. I said nothing of the sort. What I said was that he should either speak with his instructor about the behavior or leave if the behavior doesn't change and he doesn't want to put up with it.

What I *did* say is that he's acting like a whiny little brat and he should grow a set, by which I mean he seems to have a mealy-mouth whiny explanation why this is bad and that is bad, and all proposed solutions are bad, and oh woe is him. I'm tried to help him immediately when he first posted, but then I saw what kind of person he seems to be, and when he said he was 40 years old, I was disgusted. He should grow up, for God's sake. If the abuse is intolerable, leave. If it's not, suck it up and get on with the training. That's not toxic masculinity; that's being an adult.

But I'm probably not saying it correctly in this day and age.
I couldn't determine if there was abuse other than what the OP Stated. The only thing I would question would be the flicking. Everything else can be addressed by talking directly to the people involved. If I took a muay thai class and had burised arms from kicking. I would tell my partner to ease up on that and don't be trying to kick my injured arms that. If he doesn't ease up immediately, then I would stop. He just lost a partner.
 

JowGaWolf

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I do it for fun and self defense
No way Im competing. I cant afford to get hurt badly
If you are training in a fight gym then go to another gym. There are other schools that focus on learning but not competing professionally. Those gyms aren't going to toughen you up. If they see you are hurting then they will make adjustments. In a fight gym if you are hurt then you get thrown back in, because in the ring you'll get hurt and you'll be thrown back in.
 
OP
J

Ji679

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Also at this gym the instructor would call you out on a fault in technique infront of class. Its like shaming tactic.
I can tell even by they tone of voice too
Is that even neccessary


I been to gym and they dont call out the certain individual . They address it as collective as group
 

Gerry Seymour

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May I ask how much they cost? I'm probably ADHD, but not diagnosed, and not as dysfunctional as some people I've seen online.
Neither was expensive- there are standard tests. I received my diagnoses from an online therapist, and from my primary care physician. If you have a good PCP, start there.
 

Bujingodai

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Also at this gym the instructor would call you out on a fault in technique infront of class. Its like shaming tactic.
I can tell even by they tone of voice too
Is that even neccessary


I been to gym and they dont call out the certain individual . They address it as collective as group
I might say he was correcting your technique so possibly others would see it and maybe correct theirs too? I do this. But I didn't hear his tone of voice or attitude. But the action itself isn't too uncommon.
 

Xue Sheng

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Also at this gym the instructor would call you out on a fault in technique infront of class. Its like shaming tactic.
I can tell even by they tone of voice too
Is that even neccessary


I been to gym and they dont call out the certain individual . They address it as collective as group
I don't know his tone, but being corrected in front of everyone, in an MA class, is common. No place, or time, in most MA schools to take you aside and talk to you. If you have been to other gyms that don't do that, then go there snd stop going to the one yuo are currently complaining about.
 

nipper219

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Just want personal opinion

I signed up for Muay Thai for a month but been going there off and on 1 month here 3
Months there
Recently a coach /owner there would roast me when I told him I didnt want be paired up with a partner who was a lot bigger than me. We were holding pads. I held pads for big partner and back of my forearms were all bruised up a day after

He kicked hard as he was a big guy plus he was senior student.

Other times he would show a combo and I didnt catch all of it and he would use his fingers to flick at my head and say this isnt your first time. Kind demeaning . You know combos have small little nuances sometimes we forgot or miss

Ofc I didnt purposely forgot its just I didnt catch all small details of the combo

He would at times call me out infront of class. Kind like roast

Whats your thoughts on this ? I think I should be treated with some respect if Im paying good money and ontop Im a paying clients
I don't think the fact that you are paying good money and the fact that you're a paying client really matters in this, you have a choice to be there or not. However, I do believe that they should go a bit easier on you and pair you with someone a little closer to your level or even a high belt who is more your size and would be a better fit for you. I do think that they should practice more respect in their place of practice. It's not ok to treat someone like that especially a beginner. If I were you, I would tell your instructor about this in private, but honestly I think I would just quit and find a different place more suitable for your wants.
 

Bujingodai

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I respected my Sensei no matter what. Beating me or taking the piss out of me. There was a reason for it. If he told me to dig a channel across the yard. I would do it, because there would be a reason for it. If he had me work with someone bigger and better it was to challenge me and make me better.

My Sensei did not have to earn my respect I was their to earn his. If I didn't want to be there then I would go. I would never shame myself speaking about the boogeyman that made me feel small and weak. I am an adult and know the difference between brazen abuse and tough love.

Maybe I come from it at a different angle. When I was punished and beaten in class it gave me great stories years later. I was thankful for the physical test.

I'm still laughing about eating a 1/4 lb of sashimi before class only to have Nagato Shihan pick me as uke and kick me in the stomach 3 good times. Running to the bloody little bathroom at the honbu and making a concert for the masses. See that is a funny memory.
I look at what I have endured with adoration.
 

Wing Woo Gar

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When I was a kid I asked my great uncle what makes you a man. He said, a man is not a complete man until he can arrange flowers, speak at least two languages, and play a musical instrument. That advice continues to pay dividends. He was a golden gloves boxer in the navy and a consummate tough guy.
 

JowGaWolf

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I don't think the fact that you are paying good money and the fact that you're a paying client really matters in this, you have a choice to be there or not. However, I do believe that they should go a bit easier on you and pair you with someone a little closer to your level or even a high belt who is more your size and would be a better fit for you. I do think that they should practice more respect in their place of practice. It's not ok to treat someone like that especially a beginner. If I were you, I would tell your instructor about this in private, but honestly I think I would just quit and find a different place more suitable for your wants.
I wouldn't join a gym that produces fighters unless I wanted to be ruff in. At that point I know they are training to give damage and are conditioning to take damage.

People who are on the competition path train differently. I wouldnt expect them to drop to my level nor would I want to. If anything I want to rise to their level or above it. Gyms like this have a different focus than just to have fu. Even the emotional rough stuff is to help mentally what will be in the ring.

Always make sure your goals matches the gym or school. If they don't match, then join a different gym.
 

Bill Mattocks

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We are all adults, no idea why anyone here cares why another man goes or doesnt go to the gym
I actually do not care. He asked for opinions/help, and I offered what I could, which he rejected for reasons. Then he got whiny.
 

Bill Mattocks

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You know, this is a very natural feeling.

It's important to remember though, that there are people who go through all of life, live, die, whatever, never really standing up for themselves.

And god it must suck to be 40 and have that problem. I wouldn't know, I habitually stand up for myself too often.
I learned a long time ago that the world doesn't care about anyone's wellbeing and people will take advantage until they're told not to and consequences ensue.
 

Gerry Seymour

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I respected my Sensei no matter what. Beating me or taking the piss out of me. There was a reason for it. If he told me to dig a channel across the yard. I would do it, because there would be a reason for it. If he had me work with someone bigger and better it was to challenge me and make me better.

My Sensei did not have to earn my respect I was their to earn his. If I didn't want to be there then I would go. I would never shame myself speaking about the boogeyman that made me feel small and weak. I am an adult and know the difference between brazen abuse and tough love.

Maybe I come from it at a different angle. When I was punished and beaten in class it gave me great stories years later. I was thankful for the physical test.

I'm still laughing about eating a 1/4 lb of sashimi before class only to have Nagato Shihan pick me as uke and kick me in the stomach 3 good times. Running to the bloody little bathroom at the honbu and making a concert for the masses. See that is a funny memory.
I look at what I have endured with adoration.
I'm not really a fan of "whatever my instructor asks of me, there's gotta be a good reason". Unconditional respect is a bad idea. Respect should be earned, and has to be continually earned. Assuming nothing but positive about someone and giving them unconditional respect leads to bad teacher-student relationships, where the student fails to ask questions they should. This hampers the growth of both student and teacher.

And there is usually no good reason for just beating someone. Some of us needed the lesson in fighting (we get too cocky, and need to be taken down a peg), but for most of us that doesn't require a beating - just domination in sparring. And some of us needed the toughening, but that can also be had without a beating (though some toughening exercises might be described as a beating). The only really good reason I can think of is to get the experience of fighting through a beating. And that's not an exercise you'll need often.
 

Gerry Seymour

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When I was a kid I asked my great uncle what makes you a man. He said, a man is not a complete man until he can arrange flowers, speak at least two languages, and play a musical instrument. That advice continues to pay dividends. He was a golden gloves boxer in the navy and a consummate tough guy.
I love that reply. It's not really true, but the attitude behind it is.
 

Fungus

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Just want personal opinion

I signed up for Muay Thai for a month but been going there off and on 1 month here 3
Months there
Recently a coach /owner there would roast me when I told him I didnt want be paired up with a partner who was a lot bigger than me. We were holding pads. I held pads for big partner and back of my forearms were all bruised up a day after

He kicked hard as he was a big guy plus he was senior student.

Other times he would show a combo and I didnt catch all of it and he would use his fingers to flick at my head and say this isnt your first time. Kind demeaning . You know combos have small little nuances sometimes we forgot or miss

Ofc I didnt purposely forgot its just I didnt catch all small details of the combo

He would at times call me out infront of class. Kind like roast

Whats your thoughts on this ? I think I should be treated with some respect if Im paying good money and ontop Im a paying clients
I don't do muay thai, but kyokushin, and "getting bruises" is something I consider normal. Getting "damaged" (joints, bones) is a different thing than just getting bruised or pain that you get over in a few days. I agree that if you absolutely don't want to get a bruise, look for a low contact style.

That said, I'd expect even a tough school to "match" the sparring, or to tell the more experienced one to take it easy. In our club we even kan kids in there. But it's obvious that a big grown up will not go full power even on a kid even if they have superior grade. In our clube there are grown ups that vary a factor x2 in wegiht. Some blocks are simply don't work if you have something superior in strength. If find the higher gradeded kids, simple move away as we sparr, even if i go easy, they know they can't start to block heavy kicks. Insulting students makes no sense to me though. If that would happen, there might be another club to join. The more close you are in size and grade, the tougher does the fights tend to me in my experience as both feel it's a "fair game".

Insulting students is a bad sign I think, you might find another club. The owners or instructors tend to set the tone at the club.
 

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