I have a dilemma..

[adictd2tkdgirl]

I am not sure what to do about this. I was hoping I can get some insight from fellow MAists. It does seem so trivial, but has been affecting my training. The problem is I am falling for my TKD instructor. For all you romantics out there who would say to just go for it..let me begin by saying that there is no way we can be together. This is the only school in my area and I truly love what I am doing. Is there any suggestions anyone can offer so that I can overcome this hurdle...I really wish I didn't feel this way, but we just 'clicked' from the very beginning

 

[Kacey]

That's a rough one. As an instructor, I would never date my students... and having had this same discussion with my own instructor, neither would he. Now, I know of people who have done it, and it's worked - and I also know of people who have done it and it's been horrible. Like dating at work, it's something that is problematic, at best. No one wants to think about the potential ending of a relationship - especially before it even starts - but it's something to consider in this case. In addition, you say that you and your instructor "clicked" - how sure are you that this "click" is mutual? I have felt that I "clicked" with people in the past, only to find out that the other person was uninterested, only interested in friendship, involved in another relationship, and, in one case, gay (which has quite a cooling effect on one's emotions when finding out unexpectedly that the guy you think you're attracted to is attracted to the same guys you've been looking at). I would move slowly, if at all - if this is meant to be, it will happen.

Whatever does happen, I wish you luck and happiness.

 

[evenflow1121]

Well in this world you are going to find that you are going to "click" with a lot of people, doesnt mean they are dating material. This is just my opinion, you should take your training as serious as you hopefully would take your job, you wouldnt eat where you ****, and you shouldnt do it in the dojo either. Stuff like this happens to everyone so dont feel bad, its ok for you to have feelings for someone, but you should not allow yourself to think with your heart, take control and start rationalizing the situation.

Whenever you think about this guy in a dreamy way, just keep reminding yourself that this is the only TKD school in your area, that if you guys do end up in a Hollywood in ending then everythinng will be crimson clover, but probability usually points the other way, and if you do end up breaking up its going to be hard for you to go back to class, watch him date other people, you wont have the same relationship anymore. Perhaps one day if you move to a different school or one of you stops training there then by all means, but given the situation, I sure wouldnt.

 

[matt.m]

You know, just keep it professional. Teacher and student kind of stuff, if something happens then it will. My best advice to you is not to force it either way.

 

[Cryozombie]

Yea this is easy.

Realize that love is for suckers and keep training.
​

 

[shesulsa]

I have never given in to any urges I ever had toward other students or teachers with the exception that my first teacher was already my boyfriend at the time.

Funny thing about feelings ... they change. Sometimes it takes longer and sometimes it's more painful than others ... but this will pass.

If you want to save yourself a lot of heartache, self-doubt, anger, jealousy ... just say no and train. And if you can't ... find another dojang.

 

[Last Fearner]

For all you romantics out there who would say to just go for it..let me begin by saying that there is no way we can be together.

I am sensing from the above statement that you have given this much thought, and it is not a question of, "is a relationship with my instructor inappropriate," or "I don't want to mess up training at the only school available." I sense that there is a specific "reason" why you "can't" be together. Whether you want to disclose this reason or not, I am presuming that it is a good, solid reason, and you have come to accept this fact.

Thus, you have determined that there is no rational way you can act upon your feelings, yet you must deal with those feelings each class because you have no other school you can attend to avoid the heartache of seeing this person without being able to pursue them romantically. Am I correct?

If so, there is but three options, the way I see it.

1. Take a closer look at the "reason" you feel you can't be with this person. Is it an absolute barrier, or a difficult conflict. As others have stated, these kinds of relationships have great risks, and are usually best to be avoided (although, I did marry one of my students and we just celebrated our 9th anniversary together, but I required her to reach Black Belt before I would even date her).

2. If the barrier is something that is not likely to change, then respect the instructor/student relationship, and learn to appreciate, and even love this person (as well as others) for the beauty they possess inside (or outside, as the case may be). Be honest with them about how much you appreciate them, but be careful not to imply that you "desire" them, or you could fan the flames that would burn down the dojang.

3. If the situation turns worse, or becomes unbearable, you could choose to leave the school, and look harder for another place to train (or not train at all). Probably not your most preferable choice, thus I would strongly recommend you meditate on you feelings, and learn to accept that you can "love" many things and many people with whom you should not lust after, or pursue romantically.

You said that this situation is "affecting your training." I wonder in what way? Perhaps this is a good test for you as a student to focus on not allowing one situation (your feelings about your instructor) to affect another (the reason you attend the dojang). As I am sure you know, it is not a dating club, so keep that in mind every day, and focus on training. Say to yourself, "Yes, I like my instructor, A LOT, but I respect myself, my art, and my instructor more than to do anything but focus on training."

Just my opinion!
CM D.J. Eisenhart

 

[Swordlady]

Well...you can't necessarily control how you feel towards others, but you can control how you will respond to those feelings. I know it is easier said than done. Personally, I think that students and instructors dating can lead to a conflict of interest while training - especially if the relationship doesn't work out. What may help you is figuring out for yourself if having a relationship with your instructor is "realistic", and the possible effects it may have in your - and his - training. Good luck to you; it's not going to be easy.

 

[Jade Tigress]

You know, just keep it professional. Teacher and student kind of stuff, if something happens then it will. My best advice to you is not to force it either way.

I agree with this line of thought. Keep it professional and if something happens then it will.

Life is short. If you two would be happy together I don't see any reason why you shouldn't let things play out. Who knows, you could have a long and happy life together. You have to weigh the risks. Is it worth risking for? If it works out, what will you gain, what will you lose? If it doesn't work out, what will you gain, what will you lose?

As Kacey pointed out, it's a lot like dating at work, and it could be become problematic. On the other hand, a high percentage of people have met their spouses at work. Myself included. On the other hand, work relationships that don't work out do cause big problems.

I'm not recommending either way. That's something you have to decide for yourself. Only you know what's worth the risk in your life. It's a difficult decision to make, and I don't envy your situation.

 

[adictd2tkdgirl]

Thank you all for your posts! I appreciate you taking the time to try and give me advice and input on my situation. It really has helped. At this point I am going to take Last Fearner's No. 2 advice as well as remember what some of the others wrote about what is meant to happen will happen. Thanks again!

 

[Flying Crane]

Romance in the dojo can work, but certainly has dangers. I met my wife in the capoeira school, but it wasn't a teacher/student relationship. Be careful, take it slow, if it is meant to be that will become clear over time. If not, that will also become clear. Don't force it.

 

[Ceicei]

Also remember that sometimes leaders can be put "on a pedestal" and people can fall in love with what these leaders represent.

I have trained at five different studios and two dojos throughout my martial arts studies and watched other students (as well as myself) be impressed with the deameanor of some instructors, their skills and ability to teach, their interaction with others, especially when the nature of the training (such as martial arts) does require close attention/contact. There is a level of trust that develops during the training. What's not to like?

However, I have learned over the years and gained more experience with martial arts, that the "falling in love" is typically superficial. Sometimes there is a lust factor. Other times it may be a confusion of "trust" for a sense of love. I see this more with the beginner levels than with the advanced levels, although that may certainly exist among the advanced levels.

As some have mentioned, time may have a way of tempering the feelings as the training dynamics change and the leaders/instructors show more of their foibles (they no longer seem perfect as you see them more and more as persons for who they are).

Since I, too, have experienced this before, how did I handle this?

I force myself to step back and take a hard long look at why I am feeling this way. What and how exactly am I attracted and why (characteristics, behavior, looks, or whatever)? What am I seeking that may lead me to feel this way? How will this affect me and my training? How will this effect the studio/dojo? What are the risks? What is the relationship status of the instructor and me?

Thankfully, I got married, so I do not encounter this dilemma any more. I will admit that even as a married woman, I do find some instructors to be "attractive" because of the trust factor and the training dynamics. I do not allow myself to fall in love. I recognize that the "attraction" is simply because we work together well and nothing more. This enables me to continue training; I understand and put my thoughts/feelings in proper perspective.

I'm at peace with myself and with my marriage. My husband knows of my love for martial arts and is very, very supportive of my training. He is assured of my love for him and does not mind that I go into male dominated activities (such as martial arts, caving, firearms, automotives, etc.)

The first few years for me as a single person with martial arts was pretty rough... I don't think I even understood back then what I wanted or where I was going on my journey or what lessons I needed to learn from life.

- Ceicei

 

[adictd2tkdgirl]

Also remember that sometimes leaders can be put "on a pedestal" and people can fall in love with what these leaders represent.

I have trained at five different studios and two dojos throughout my martial arts studies and watched other students (as well as myself) be impressed with the deameanor of some instructors, their skills and ability to teach, their interaction with others, especially when the nature of the training (such as martial arts) does require close attention/contact. There is a level of trust that develops during the training. What's not to like?

However, I have learned over the years and gained more experience with martial arts, that the "falling in love" is typically superficial. Sometimes there is a lust factor. Other times it may be a confusion of "trust" for a sense of love. I see this more with the beginner levels than with the advanced levels, although that may certainly exist among the advanced levels.

As some have mentioned, time may have a way of tempering the feelings as the training dynamics change and the leaders/instructors show more of their foibles (they no longer seem perfect as you see them more and more as persons for who they are).

Since I, too, have experienced this before, how did I handle this?

I force myself to step back and take a hard long look at why I am feeling this way. What and how exactly am I attracted and why (characteristics, behavior, looks, or whatever)? What am I seeking that may lead me to feel this way? How will this affect me and my training? How will this effect the studio/dojo? What are the risks? What is the relationship status of the instructor and me?

Thankfully, I got married, so I do not encounter this dilemma any more. I will admit that even as a married woman, I do find some instructors to be "attractive" because of the trust factor and the training dynamics. I do not allow myself to fall in love. I recognize that the "attraction" is simply because we work together well and nothing more. This enables me to continue training; I understand and put my thoughts/feelings in proper perspective.

I'm at peace with myself and with my marriage. My husband knows of my love for martial arts and is very, very supportive of my training. He is assured of my love for him and does not mind that I go into male dominated activities (such as martial arts, caving, firearms, automotives, etc.)

The first few years for me as a single person with martial arts was pretty rough... I don't think I even understood back then what I wanted or where I was going on my journey or what lessons I needed to learn from life.

- Ceicei

This is an excellent post Ceicei!! It is so true and I understand all of your points. Thank you so much for taking the time to write it, you really helped me put things into perspective.